Chapter Text
Michael Jones hated Gavin Free.
The entire school was aware of this fact, even Gavin himself.
If you asked him why, he wouldn’t actually be able to give you a legitimate answer. He just hated the kid, and that’s all there was to it. He hated his stupid British accent, his dumb hair, his ridiculous made up words, and the fact that everybody else seemed to adore him.
Gavin hated him too, but not to the extent that Michael did. In fact, he thought Michael’s hatred was amusing. They happened to have a lot of mutual friends, such as Lindsay, Ray, Barbara, etc. They were actually really good friends with all of the same people, but Michael refused to ever hang out with Gavin. Lindsay would invite him to go to the movies with all of them, and the first question out of his mouth would be, “Is Gavin going to be there?” Needless to say, his arrival depended on her answer.
Sometimes Gavin would try to talk to him, saying foolish things like “Hello, Michael! How has your day been?” in a smug tone just because he knew that his very presence was pissing him off.
If he knew his other friends wouldn’t get pissed at him, he would not hesitate to punch that British prick in the face.
Which is why he hated going to Life Science class.
Life Science was the only class that they had together. Michael went out of his way to make sure he sat on the opposite side of the room from Gavin, even if it meant not being able to sit with Ray and Lindsay (who were also in the class.) It didn’t matter to him, he had other friends to pretend he cared about as much as them. Besides, asking Ray and Lindsay if they would sit with him instead would just cause them to roll their eyes and tell him to just suck it up and sit with them.
On this particular day, when he walks into the classroom, the three are already sitting in the back together so Michael opts to sit near the front, only a few seats away from the teachers desk.
Mr. Burns was the type of teacher that everybody liked. The girls all had crushes on him and would swoon over him all class and the guy’s appreciated his lack of strict teaching methods. Unlike most other teachers, Mr. Burns just didn’t bother yelling at students for misbehaving. Mainly because students liked him enough to not want to misbehave.
Besides, he teaches Life Science. Michael figures it’s a pretty slack class. They spend a lot of their time doing dumb little projects and quizzes that he could A+ with his eyes closed.
"Okay, class!" Mr. Burns announces as he walks into class carrying a huge blue Tupperware container. "It’s that time of year again. Time for the infamous baby project."
A few in the class let out an annoyed groan. The baby project is what the Life Science class is basically known for. It was the sole reason for Michael not wanting to take this class and trying everything he could to get out of it. But, of course, he had schedule conflicts and no other classes could fill the slot.
The large blue container takes up a large portion of his desk when he sets it down on top, and then pulls off the lid.
"This," he states as he pulls a baby doll out of the container, "Is going to be your baby for the next four days."
Some of the girls in class start excitedly chattering with their friends about what the babies will be like and what they’ll name it. Michael wants nothing to do with this project.
"When it cries, it’s your job to figure out what’s wrong with it.”
"How do we stop it’s crying?" a curious student in the back asks.
"There are a few ways. Along with the baby you each get a small car-seat for easier travel, a baby bottle, and two diapers. The bottle is magnetized so that when you hold it to it’s mouth, the doll registers it and begins to drink. When it laughs, that means that it’s done. The diapers are the same way and when you change the diaper to the other one, then it will stop crying as well."
"What happens if we just let it cry and decide not to give a shit about it?" somebody questions.
"Then you fail," Mr. Burns smirks and rolls his eyes, "You all know that this is the main project for this class. It’s a large percentage of your overall grade, so failing it would not be in your favor."
"You can turn the baby on and off by opening up the panel in it’s back and flipping the switch. If you ever need to turn it off because of an emergency, you can use that switch. But only for an emergency. If you don’t have a good reason for doing so, then you automatically fail. It will turn off on it’s own during school hours so that you won’t have to take it to school.”
"We can’t take it to school?"
"Nah," he shrugs, "Some teachers make you, but I don’t see the point. If you had a real baby you wouldn’t take it to high school with you. It’ll turn off an hour before school starts and will turn on an hour after school ends. That should give you plenty of time to get back to it."
"What if we have plans after school?"
"You can kiss your plans goodbye because now you’ve got a baby to take care of."
Mr. Burns uncaring attitude makes some students chuckle. He’s never been a teacher known to bullshit around and care about complaints that don’t make any sense. Of course, Michael just can’t help himself.
"This project is so pointless," he mutters, but he says it loud enough for Mr. Burns to hear him.
"Well I’m sorry you feel that way, Michael, but it is a required project. So you have to do it." he states, not even pretending to feel bad about it.
Michael scoffs and rolls his eyes, “What does it even prove? That babies are obnoxious and cry a lot? News flash, pretty sure we know that already.”
Mr. Burns lets out an irritated sigh, “Are you going to bitch and complain for the entire day?”
Michael raises an eyebrow at his language, but it’s not really anything out of the ordinary for Mr. Burns. Besides, he never bats an eye when a student curses in front of him. He’s actually one of the better teachers in the school when it comes to dealing with students.
"Yes."
Mr. Burns doesn’t respond with annoyance this time, instead he smirks in amusement as an idea forms in his head. Michael already regrets being stubborn because who knows what kind of punishment his Life Science teacher will force on him.
"Well then, I suppose I should give you some more material for that by partnering you up with somebody of my choosing."
Michael’s eyes widen when he realizes what this means. No amount of begging or apologizing for being an asshole is really going to get him out of this now. Every teacher and student knows which person he hates more than anybody else in the world.
"Not Gavin. Not Gavin. Not Gavin. Not Gavin." he continues to chant out loud, already knowing the horrible fate that his teacher will soon bestow upon him regardless.
"Hmmm," Mr. Burns pretends to think while looking around the classroom with his hands to his chin, "Who should I pick as Michael Jones’ partner?”
Honestly, he couldn’t have just taken the stupid baby project without complaints? At least then he’d have a tolerable partner like Lindsay or Ray.
Of course, hearing Michael’s name causes Gavin to immediately loose interest in the conversation he was having with another student and his head snaps up to look at Mr. Burns. “Me! I’ll be his partner! Pick me, Mr. Burns! Pick me! Gavin!”
"Ah!" the teacher pretends the idea has just come upon him, "Gavin! Would you like to be Michael’s partner for this project?"
He doesn’t even hesitate, “Yes!”
"Perfect!" he beams, while pulling him up from his seat. Gavin has the biggest shit eating grin on his face as he’s dragged over by his elbow.
"Here’s your husband," the teacher states, leaving Gavin at Michael’s desk so that he can root through the box on his desk. He pulls out one of the dolls and a sheet of paper before coming over and putting both in front of the two. "And here’s your baby."
"You are the worst teacher ever," Michael glares at him.
"Have fun, boys," he snickers and then turns back to the front of the class, "Everybody else pick your partners and sit with them."
He tunes out the rest of the teachers instructions while Gavin noisily pulls a spare chair over to the desk so that he can sit as close as possible.
"Hello, Mr. Free!” he giggles obnoxiously, knowing how much pain he’s causing the other boy.
"First of all, fuck you," Michael states, "And second off all, you must be pretty goddamn stupid if you think I would ever take your last name. You’d be Mr. Jones for sure.”
"I’ll be whoever you want me to be, love," he pretends to flirt just to irritate him further, and it’s apparent that it’s working.
"Shut the hell up," Michael glares at him before picking up the doll, "I don’t want to get a bad grade on this stupid project, so I’m not gonna fail just because you’re an incompetent moron."
Gavin looks almost offended, “I’m plenty good with babies!”
Michael somehow doubts that, and as if to prove it, he tosses the doll at him. Gavin’s taken off guard but quickly fumbles, trying to catch the thing. It ends up falling to the floor between their chairs.
"Yeah," Michael mutters, "So good with babies.”
Gavin huffs and leans down to pick it up. Thank goodness it isn’t turned on yet or else they would have failed already for sure. “Yeah, well, you bloody threw it at me! I think throwing the baby in the first place makes you a much worse parent than me!”
"I was just testing your reflexes! Babies are bouncy little fuckers. What if he or she fell off the changing table or some shit? You’d be hopeless!"
"I’d be able to do it then!” he argues back, “Not when you’re throwing the thing at me like it’s an American football!”
"It was a gentle toss," Michael scoffs, "Don’t be such a baby."
"Aren’t you excited to be my husband? We’re like partners in crime or something!" Gavin cries, completely disregarding their previous conversation.
"If you act like this for the majority of the project, I might actually strangle you."
"Michael!" he cries, his usual pronunciation of the name along with that whiny tone is like nails on a chalkboard to him.
"Will you shut the hell up?" he glares, trying to keep his voice quiet so that Mr. Burns won’t scold him for arguing with his "partner."
"I’m just trying to be a good partner! Both class wise and marriage wise.”
"We are not marriage partners. We are just two people stuck taking care of a stupid electronic baby for four days." Michael states strictly, already refusing to put up with any of Gavin’s ridiculous shit.
"A whole four days?"
"Yeah, that’s what Mr. Burns just told us.”
"Well, we should stay at my house."
Michael raises an eyebrow, “Why?”
"We have to pass in this doll on Monday, right?"
"Yeah," Michael nods, trying to figure out the days in his head, "It’s Thursday now, then we have to spend today, Friday, and the weekend with this thing. Then I’m home free from both this stupid doll and stupid you.”
Gavin ignores the insult, “Geoff and Griffon are out of town and I’ve got the whole house to myself. They won’t be back until the Wednesday of next week so it wouldn’t be a problem. It’ll be easier to take care of the baby if we’re staying under the same roof and that way your parents don’t get disturbed.”
Michael must admit that it sounds like a pretty good plan. The only downside is the fact that he has to live with Gavin for four days. But it sure as hell beats having Gavin stay at his and annoy the hell out of his parents.
They could easily just do what most of the other students are doing. One person takes the baby one day, then the other takes it the next, then so on and so forth. But Michael actually wants to get a good grade in this, so leaving Gavin alone with the doll is pretty much out of the question.
"Yeah, that’s probably best. You can get a ride with me in my car and we’ll pop in to my house so that I can get some shit, and then we’ll crash at your place. And no, it is not a sleepover.”
Gavin doesn’t even seem to process the last sentence and just grins wide at the thought of a week long slumber party with the guy who hates him. “This is going to be fun!”
He rolls his eyes, knowing that no amount of arguing will convince Gavin otherwise.
"Hey, Michael?"
"What?"
"I know that you hate me and everything, but I think for the sake of the baby, we should be friends for this week." Gavin states, smiling at him contentedly.
"Friends?" Michael quirks an eyebrow.
"Yeah, we can put our differences and hate behind us, and just be two lads raising a fake baby together."
Michael doesn’t want to be anywhere near the line of being friends with Gavin Free. But it’s only been a few minutes into the project and all they’ve succeeded in doing is arguing. If being friends with him for this short amount of time means that this will all end with no murder charges on his behalf, then maybe it’s a good idea.
"Okay, fine," Michael relents after glaring at him suspiciously, "We can befriends until the project is over. But after all of this, I am never speaking to you again.”
"Deal!" Gavin beams, and holds out his hand for a shake. Michael rejects him and instead turns his focus back to the information sheet.
Looking back on the agreement later when this is all over, Michael’s still not sure if he regrets accepting or not.
"Okay, everybody!" Mr. Burns gets the classes attention and holds up one of the spare dolls to demonstrate on, "Now that you’re all paired up and you’ve got your dolls, you can turn it on by opening the panel in it’s back and flipping the switch."
Michael flips the doll around and raises it’s little shirt. The panel is the same color as the rest of the baby and looks like a place where you’d put batteries in a child’s toy. As soon as he changes the switch to “on,” a happy gurgle is heard and it almost makes him drop the thing out of fright.
"It’s alive!" Gavin squeals excitedly.
Michael raises an eyebrow but turns the baby back around so that they can look at it’s face. Just a plastic baby dolls face, unmoving with cold plastic eyes. “This thing is creepy as hell.”
"For the rest of class, you and your partner can look over the information sheet," Mr. Burns states, once again proving how much of a slack class this is.
Of course Michael is still bitter about this entire thing. He hates Gavin Free and wants nothing more than to be as far away from him as possible. If he can survive the oncoming week, he’s fairly certain that he can survive just about anything. All he needs is a good mark on this project, so he’s just going to have to grit his teeth and bear it. Gavin’s an annoying asshole, but he isn’t worth failing a class over.
Mr. Burns is going around handing out the bottles that “feed” the babies and everybody gets one of the car seats so that it’s easier to travel and carry it around. This school really goes all out on stupid Life Science projects. But then again, it is one of the main projects for the course.
He looks over the information sheet, it states simple and obvious rules about how to take care of the doll. Figuring that they can read that later, he skips to the area where they have to fill out questions. Just stupid things like what the parents names are (he quickly scrawls his and Gavin’s names in the blank), what they’ll name it, and how they have taken care of it.
"I don’t think I really trust you with that thing," Michael mutters, watching as Gavin attempts to feed it with the bottle. Nothing happens, and it’s obviously because the kid isn’t hungry.
"Why not? I think I’d make a great dad."
Michael sighs and shakes his head in defeat. No matter how annoyed he is, he’s still going to be spending the next few days with this asshole and “their baby.” He might as well attempt to be nice to Gavin, even though it already sounds like an impossible task.
"What should we name it?" he questions, watching as Gavin eagerly studies every inch of the baby. He’s already taking this project too seriously.
"It’s not an "it", Michael." he argues, turning away from the doll to glare at him playfully.
"You just referred to it as an it, dumbass!"
"Only because you called it an it and now I’ve fallen into the habit!"
"I called it an it once!”
Gavin sighs, resting the doll down on the desk, “This conversation is hurting my brain.”
"Figures." Michael mutters while rolling his eyes.
"Oi!" Gavin cries, his eyebrows furrowed, "What’s that supposed to mean?"
“OI! Wot’s that supposed to mean?!” he mocks in a terrible British accent, and Gavin’s about to say something back but they’re interrupted by the teacher.
"Gavin! Michael! Behave yourselves."
Michael rolls his eyes. Out of all people he could have been paired with for this stupid project, it had to be Gavin. He skims through the project information sheet, looking for their dolls gender.
"According to the paper, it’s a boy."
“He’s a boy.”
"Shut the fuck up, Gavin. So, what should we call him?"
"How about Hamish?" he suggests happily.
"What?!"
"Hamish," he repeats, as he writes it down on the paper.
Michael looks at the name, and raises a brow, “Dude, that says Hamish.” Pronouncing it as though its a pork product instead of their baby’s name.
"It’s Hamish! And I think it’s a cute name.”
"Why can’t we name it something badass? Like Mogar?"
"I don’t think anybody in the history of ever has named their child Mogar."
"Well, they’re missing out."
"It’s dumb."
"No it’s not! It represents power! He’s like a mighty warrior. No kid on the playground would fuck with him if he had a name like Mogar."
"Fine, Mogar can be his middle name." He scrawls Mogar after the word Hamish.
"His last name is Jones."
"What?! Why does he get your last name?!"
"Because I said so! Hamish Mogar Jones sounds a lot better than Hamish Mogar Free!"
"What if it was like a combination of the two! Like… Joree or Frones!"
Michael gives him a blank look, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
"Fine, fine." He mutters and scrawls Free-Jones on the paper.
"Why does your name get to be first?!"
Gavin groans, “Fine!” while erasing the name and re-writing it to Jones-Free. “Happy now?”
"Immensely." It’s only been five minutes and they’re already fighting. Michael already wants to stab his eyes out with forks. "Good thing this is just a doll and not a real kid."
Gavin hums as he thinks about it, “Could you imagine the two of us as gay parents?”
"I don’t want to."
"I think it’d be top! I think the kid would be awesome."
"I think the kid would be severely fucked up in the head."
Gavin ignores him and instead picks up the baby and starts cooing to it, “Hello there, Hamish Mogar Jones-Free!”
The baby gurgles happily.
"Look!" he grins at Michael, "He likes his name!"
It was going to be a long four days.