Chapter Text
It's a Friday night, a few weeks after returning from my return trip to Hazakura Temple. Nick didn't want me to do that training course, going so far as to say that he would do it too, if I did. Still recovering from his cold and injuries, I didn't want him hurting himself, but he insisted. I couldn’t tell him ‘no’; it was literally impossible. When Nick gets an idea in his head, you’ve got to present hard evidence that it’s a mistake.
Unfortunately, I haven’t figured out how to use my spiritual power to look into the future, so I could present him with the image of him I left Hazakurain with: slumped over his desk, mind too dull with feeling like poop and utterly exhausted to focus on his work. The fever’s gone- again- and he isn’t nearly as stuffed up as he was a few days after the Special Course, but he’s still miserable, and still on antibiotics.
He doesn’t need me around, so I leave. I don’t even know where I am going, but after a round of burgers- it’s no fun without Nick- I find myself here, and think to myself, “Hey! I’m over eighteen! Why not?”
So now, I'm looking for something. Based on the kind of store this is, it isn't too hard to figure out what I'm looking for, but it's definitely something I don't want Nick, Mr. Edgeworth, Detective Gumshoe, or frankly any of my friends to find out that I'm looking for.
So when I see him browsing the dirty magazines, I duck into the little room that all the kinky outfits are in and hope he didn't see me. It's a little strange, but I don't think twice about him being here. After all, he is a man and Nick has rather shamelessly admitted that yes, he uses pornographic material. Said in just that manner. "Pornographic material." He makes it sound so... so clinical and I have to wonder how on earth he manages to convince me that I don’t want a relationship with him, every time we talk about sex. He talks to me like he’s a teacher in a sex ed class.
But, since Nick and he are about the only two examples I have to go on- two shining examples of neurotic men incurably addicted to their work- I tend to assume that if something is generally true for one, it’s true for them both because, hey- they’re men.
In any case, Nick doesn't know I wouldn't mind having sex with him. Well, that I wouldn't mind it as long as we didn't talk about it. That big sister schtick is just to throw him off. He's more experienced than I am- he's told me that he's not a virgin, although he says it was with one person, years ago, and he's not willing to talk about them, even to confirm gender. I suspect it's a woman, but since he's not talking about it, I accepted long ago that I'll never know.
It's with Nick on my mind that I actually start looking at the outfits. These are not what I'm looking for. However, since I can't leave the dingy little room until Mr. Edgeworth leaves the store, there's no harm in occupying myself. One of the outfits looks like the waitress outfits from Tres Bien, with a few... cosmetic updates. I bet I could get my point across to Nick in a damn hurry in that, in a manner that he can't possibly be intentionally stupid about and in a way that doesn't require us to actually talk about it, at all. I glance at the price tag in sheer curiosity and put that idea right out of my head. Nooooo way. I don't want him nearly that badly.
"Huh. Of all the people to see in a place like this, you're the last I thought I would, Ms. Fey."
I cringe and turn to face him. He's empty-handed, and his face is quite red. I'm sure mine is at this point, too. "Yeah, well. I was hoping you didn't see me."
"It didn't help that you exclaimed, 'Oh no, Mr. Edgeworth!' rather loudly," he comments, a smug but uncomfortable grin on his face.
I stick my tongue out at him. "Well... uhm... yeah. So... what are you doing here?"
"It is a Saturday night. This is an adult novelty store. What do you think I'm doing here?"
"Lamenting that you couldn't get a date?"
"That is, unfortunately, much closer to reality than I'd care to admit," Mr. Edgeworth replies, the blush on his face deepening. "Although I can't fathom why you're in a place like this. Don't you and Wright go on dates every Saturday?"
"I wish," I said, turning around. "I hardly call a trip to McDonald's a 'date'."
"... huh. I guess I had your relationship all wrong. Just about everyone at the prosecutor's office believes you're an item."
There's something odd in his voice at that statement. Something I don't particularly care to delve into. I don’t know what it is but I get the feeling that I really don’t want to know. "Well, no. We're not. Remember all those times Nick got flustered whenever someone implied I was his girlfriend? Yeah, he's not acting. I'm not."
"... I see."
We stare at each other for a few moments as I try to figure out what, exactly, Mr. Edgeworth was so concerned about. Something about finding out that Nick and I aren’t lovers is bothering him, but damned if I can figure out what. He finally smirks again, coming to stand next to me and examining the modified waitress outfit I was only moments before. “But I assume you do have a boyfriend, if you’re looking at stuff like this,” he observes in a flat tone of voice.
He’s on a fishing expedition! I ponder briefly what kind of information I want to give him, and then I answered, “No, not really. This isn’t what I came in here for. I was just occupying myself until you left the store.”
“Ah. So what were you looking for?”
“It’s a Saturday night. This is an adult novelty store. What do you think I’m looking for?”
Much to my surprise, Mr. Edgeworth laughs at the way I turn his previous statement around on him. “Did Wright stand you up for burgers?” he asks in a teasing voice.
I scowl at him. “He’s working on a very complicated case,” I inform him. “He’s been working on it since early this morning.”
Mr. Edgeworth glances at his watch, and gives a low whistle. “His brain is going to leak out of his ears if he doesn’t let up on that case a little,” he mutters. “Maybe I should call him and let him know that Payne doesn’t actually have anything.”
I raise an eyebrow at him. “You know about this case?”
“Indeed. Payne cornered me Friday afternoon, demanding my assistance. He tried one of Wright’s style of bluffs on him and it actually worked. He’s going to feel like a fool when he goes into court on Monday. Wright is working entirely too hard on this case.”
“I think Nick will feel like a fool when he goes in and discovers that he didn’t need to do all that, too,” I remark with a giggle.
Mr. Edgeworth regards me blankly for a few minutes, and then shrugs. “But if Wright wants to fall for one of his own tricks, I suppose I should let him,” he says finally, a mischievously wicked edge in his voice.
“What’s to stop me from telling him myself?” I ask, my own voice mischievous.
“What, and tell Wright you met me in a seedy porn shop in the bad side of town?” he asked incredulously.
“I can lie!” I protest.
“And I can tell him the truth,” Mr. Edgeworth counters.
I feel like we were in a courtroom with the way we are going back and forth. It is an interesting feeling. “You really want to tell Nick where you were when you met me?” I challenge.
“Mutually assured destruction, Ms. Fey,” Mr. Edgeworth replies, shaking his finger at me with a grin. “Spoil my fun, and I’ll have to have a little fun with you instead. You trying to explain why you were here would be an interesting conversation to listen in on.”
“Oooh, you’re cruel,” I laugh. “I’ll have you know I’m an adult, Mr. Edgeworth.”
“You are not!”
I’m not really sure what to make of that statement. Did he just insult my maturity? Well… that is likely, but… “I am too! I’m almost twenty!”
He seems surprised by this statement. “Really? You don’t look that old. You look about seventeen to me, although I suppose your presence here does indicate that you’re past the age of majority.”
I giggle again. “That’s only about three year’s difference. I’d be surprised if you could accurately tell the difference between a nineteen and seventeen-year-old.”
“My job is noticing almost unperceivable details,” Mr. Edgeworth sniffs at me.
We are off topic. “Regardless,” I say with a smirk, “I don’t have to explain anything I do to Nick. He’s my boss, not my keeper.”
“Touché. Now answer the question this whole thing has spawned: are you truly going to call him and tell him what I said about his case?”
I shake my head, laughing to myself. “I was just messing with you, Mr. Edgeworth. Perhaps if he’s still tearing his hair out tomorrow over it, but not tonight.”
“Fair enough,” Mr. Edgeworth nods.
The awkward silence descends again. “So, uh…” I grope for a conversation starter, and cringe seconds after I asked my next question. “Find anything interesting?”
“Actually, yes, I did. You might be interested in it, too.”
“Wh-What?!”
He smirks at me. “Let me show you.”
I follow him out of the outfit room hesitantly. “You have no idea how much like a dirty old man that made you sound,” I inform him flatly. He just laughs as he guides me to a particular section of the porn DVDs, one dedicated to parodies of movies and TV shows.
Mr. Edgeworth goes directly to a particular title, snaps it off the shelf, and hands it to me wordlessly. My jaw drops in a mix of horror, awe, and fan-like excitement as I read the title. "Is this what this looks like?" I demand, probably sounding more like an obsessed fangirl than is healthy.
"If that looks like Steel Samurai porn to you, then it is what it looks like," Mr. Edgeworth confirms for me. I let out an immature squeal of delight and Mr. Edgeworth cringes. "Ms. Fey! You're going to get us thrown out of here!"
"I'm sorry!" I exclaim. "But- but- but-! Steel Samurai porn! Are they serious?! Oh my god, I wonder if it's any good!" I flip the box over in my hands, scanning for the price. My mood instantly falls as I read the tag; it's about five bucks more than I have. “Damnit..."
"What?"
"I don't have enough," I mutter, handing it back to him. It strikes me as strange that porn is more expensive than what I actually came here for, and I'm so wrapped up in pondering this piece of information that I almost miss what Mr. Edgeworth says: "This was actually what I was going to purchase. If you like, I'll let you borrow it."
"Really? That'd be awesome!"
Despite my enthusiasm, I am sure I'm beet red by now, and Mr. Edgeworth's face couldn’t get any redder. I walk with him to the register; the cashier eyes me, demanding to see my ID. I flash it in irritation, and the clerk nods and rings up the sale. "Enjoy it while it lasts," Mr. Edgeworth tells me as the clerk slips the DVD into a black plastic bag that totally doesn't scream, "Failed attempt at being discreet". "You'll appreciate being carded when you get to be my age."
"You're not even thirty yet."
Mr. Edgeworth pays for the DVD, smirking at me. "And yet, somehow, I still miss being carded sometimes," he replies. "Let's go, Ms. Fey."
As we exit the store, Mr. Edgeworth asks me, "Where am I taking you?"
It takes me a moment to realize he's offering me a ride. "No, that's okay. I can walk," I tell him, wondering if it's "proper" to ask to borrow that porn right now.
He makes a face at me. "Have you forgotten where we are, Maya?" he asks. I'm a little taken aback by his use of my first name; not that I mind, but it's a little unusual for him. He's a little incredulous as he says, "Frankly, if you walked here, I'm shocked you arrived safely."
I smirk at him from under the lights of the parking lot light posts. "That's because I'm tough. No one wants to mess with me!"
He rolls his eyes. "I'm not letting any young woman walk anywhere in this neighborhood in the dark, let alone a friend," he says firmly, striding towards a rather nice-looking car. "Get in and tell me where to take you, Ms. Fey."
I shrug absently as he unlocks the car, and I slide into the passenger seat. He gets in the driver's side and immediately locks the doors. "If it's so dangerous here, how on earth do you still have hubcaps on this thing?"
"How on earth do I still have this thing, period?" he retorts, a hint of playfulness in his voice. "Where to, Ms. Fey?"
I ponder his question. He's usually a lot more precise than that; I decide to test him a bit. "I dunno," I comment, sighing. "I don't particularly feel like sulking about on my own. Nick's going to be busy most of the night... Wanna hang out?"
My proposition makes him raise his eyebrows. "Hang out?"
"Yeah. You do know what that phrase means, right?"
He sighs heavily. "Yes, Ms. Fey, I know what the phrase means. I'm simply surprised that you'd wish to do such a thing with me. I doubt our concepts of fun agree with each other."
"Yeah, well. Like I said, Nick's busy with that case and I've got no one else to hang out with. I doubt you do, either."
"That is true."
"Plus, we've got goofy-looking porn now!"
"Huh?!"
I burst out laughing. I managed to completely bewilder him! "I wasn't serious," I reassure him. "We can watch a few episodes of Steel Samurai. The real one, I mean. Wouldn't you classify that as even a little bit fun?"
"I suppose," he concedes, avoiding eye contact with me. He puts the key in the ignition and starts the car. "So, my place or yours?"
"You just sounded like you were picking me up, again."
"Or I could just drop you off at Wright's office and go about the rest of my night," Mr. Edgeworth adds in a mildly threatening tone. "That's no problem, either."
I can't suppress a giggle. "My apartment is a mess," I inform him.
I don't need to give anymore information. "My place, then," he says absently as he pulls out of the parking lot.
Much to my surprise, Mr. Edgeworth’s home is quite small. Quite nice, but still small. I suppose my surprise is apparent because he smirks at me as we get out of the car and walk to the front door. “Were you expecting a mansion or something?”
“Something like that,” I admit.
Mr. Edgeworth chuckles. “I don’t make that much,” he informs me, amused. He unlocks the door and steps in to flick on the foyer light, and then moves away, bowing slightly. “Ladies first,” he says in a mildly mocking tone.
The fact that he’s making fun of me isn’t lost on me, but I let it go with just a glare as I accept his invitation and step inside. He follows, closing and locking the door behind him and stripping off his heavy pink jacket. “Can I take your coat?” he asks, his voice slightly louder now that we’re inside. I pull it off and hand it to him, pondering briefly about the change of volume, but it is almost ten by now. He was probably speaking so quietly as to not disturb his neighbors.
Divested of my jacket, I pull my cell phone from my pocket and hit the speed dial number for Nick. Mr. Edgeworth casts an inquisitive look at me as he moves past me to turn on the lights in the living room, tossing that not-quite-discreet black bag onto the coffee table. I mouth Nick, to him as the phone rings once, and then immediately goes to his voicemail: “Hello, you’ve reached the voicemail of Phoenix Wright. I am unable to take your call right now, but if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, I will return your call as soon as possible. Thanks!”
I hang up without leaving a message. “Sorry,” I say, noticing Edgeworth is still waiting for a real answer. “I thought I’d give Nick a call and let him know where I am. I told him I’d be back at the office in a bit.”
“You didn’t say anything, though.”
“I got his voicemail. He’s probably got his phone off while he tries to figure out what Mr. Payne was talking about in court.”
Mr. Edgeworth snorts, looking amused. “So I suppose we couldn’t tell him to relax about it if we wanted to,” he observes.
“No, there’s the office phone, but if he’s got his cell off, he doesn’t want to be disturbed.”
Mr. Edgeworth makes an agreeing-kind of noise as he kneels in front of a bookcase. The bottom two shelves are filled with DVDs. “We agreed on Steel Samurai, correct?”
“Yeah, but if you have any Pink Princess or Jammin’ Ninja, that’s fine, too.”
He looks up at me. “But I thought you hated Jammin’ Ninja,” he says.
“I changed my mind.”
My voice is probably a little flatter, a little dryer than I want it to be, and he gazes at me, looking mildly concerned, for a few more seconds. Then he turns back to the DVDs. “I’ve got the Pink Princess and Steel Samurai crossover OVA,” he informs me. “Want to watch that?”
“Sure. I don’t think I’ve seen that.”
He pulls the DVD from the shelf and stands, handing it to me. “Here. Set it up while I get us some snacks. The remotes are on the couch.” Without waiting for an answer, he pushes the DVD into my hands and disappears into the kitchen.
Snacks? What kind of snacks does he have? He’s never struck me as a “snack” type, but far be it for me to refuse food when it’s freely offered. I find the remotes and turn on the entertainment system, finally managing to differentiate between his DVD player remote, the TV remote, and a remote for some other piece of electronic equipment I don’t recognize. I put the DVD in and sit on the couch, slightly uncomfortable. This is weird. It’s almost like Miles Edgeworth is a real person, not just a super-hero prosecutor.
I set up the DVD with the settings I’m familiar with: Stereo, English language, no subtitles. Mr. Edgeworth comes back with a bowl of popcorn and a couple of cans. He hands me one of the cans, a cola, as I notice that his can is different. I wonder what drink he has when he puts the popcorn between us and takes the remote from me. “Ready to see the absolute worst episodes of all these shows combined?” he asks with a wicked grin.
"Oh boy… too late to change my mind, huh?”
“Quite.”
The DVD starts, the opening credits roll. I sneak a glance at my companion, who looks quite pleased with himself as he munches on a few pieces of popcorn. I also manage to get a good look at his drink can; light beer? I thought he’d be more of a wine person… whatever. I crack my own can and focus on the DVD.
After only three minutes, I’ve already determined that Mr. Edgeworth’s claim that these are the worst episodes of that universe is an understatement. I note after a few more minutes that he’s more interested in my reactions to the dreadful mess that is this Pink Princess and Steel Samurai OVA. Every time I make a face, or issue an exclamation of disbelief or “Oh my god, this is terrible,” he laughs.
When it comes to the commercial break, I snatch the remote from him and stop the DVD. “I cannot take anymore of that!” I exclaim. “That is nothing short of blasphemy!”
“I knew you’d love it,” Mr. Edgeworth smirks at me.
“Why do you hate me, Mr. Edgeworth? Why?”
He pffts at me, takes a swig from his can, and sighs with that arrogant shrug. “I do not hate you, Ms. Fey. If you will recall, I offered and you accepted.”
“Yeah, but you didn’t warn me!”
He’s chuckling, still laughing at me, his eyes reflecting a warmth and general good-will that I’m not used to seeing. Then again, we’re on opposing sides of the courtroom when I usually see him. “Alright, just to prove that I don’t hate you, we’ll stop this one. You can pick anything you want this time without my interference.”
“You mean it?” I say, with a suspicious look.
“Yes, I mean it.”
I want revenge. My vision of my beloved Steel Samurai has been ruined before I wanted it to be. I had no doubt that porn would ruin it, but that was what I wanted to ruin it, not something that was supposedly part of the story’s canon.
Abruptly, how I’m going to get my revenge pops into my head. I’ll have to be careful to not let him see my own discomfort, but I know just the thing to wipe that smug smirk off that man’s face. “Anything?” I confirm.
He rolls his eyes at me for… what, the fourth time tonight? “Yes, Ms. Fey. Anything.”
“Steel Samurai and the Deep Night.”
He looks a little confused at the title. I let my eyes wander to the little black bag on the coffee table, smirking, and he suddenly understands. “You’re not serious,” he says, suddenly sounding like a cornered animal.
“I am very serious.”
“But I was going to loan that to you!” He’s trying to get out of it. “Watch it now, and there’ll be no point later!”
“You said we’d watch anything I wanted,” I challenged. “Besides, what do you mean there’ll be no point later? Porn is porn, right?”
“No, that’s novelty porn,” he corrects me, grasping at straws. “And there’s absolutely no reason to watch one of those twice. It’s for a one-time kick and that’s it. It’s not even good for-”
Now it’s my turn to laugh as he realizes what he’s about to say. His face abruptly flushes crimson, his mouth snaps shut, and he looks away, drinking deep from his can. “If it’s not even good for that then why are you so against watching it with me?” I demand.
He makes a weird, undecipherable noise, and I wish his internal monologue was as easy to read as Nick’s. “You’re dead set on this, aren’t you?”
“You promised,” I say firmly. “I want to watch that.”
He sighs heavily, sets his can down, and grabs the bag. “You’re committing to this, you know,” he says, in a final attempt to dissuade me from watching it. “If you make me get up and put it in the player, you’re watching every last second of it. Understood?”
“You’re willing to put the DVD in, too? Wow, you’re such a gentleman! Nick could learn a thing or two!”
He pauses, eyebrows raised. “You watch porn with Wright?”
“Whaaat?! No, of course not!” Now it’s my turn to blush bright red. “Movies! Regular, plain old movies! Kid’s movies!”
Mr. Edgeworth chuckles; it seems I stepped into another one of his traps. Honestly, all this trying to fool each other is making me feel like I’m in elementary school. I break the cute boy’s pencils and he pulls my ponytail. That’s how it goes in my modern-day samurai cartoons with flashbacks. I pout about being fooled as he takes the DVD out of the bag and breaks the shrink wrap around it. “Last chance, Ms. Fey.”
“You’re on,” I reply seriously, flashing him a grin.