Chapter Text
“Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror, and hated what you saw?”
“Not really, why?”
“No reason..just a random thought.”
The conversation played in Tanaka’s mind, on loop. Teasing, mocking, his mind racing a few miles a minute. How stupid was he to try to confide in his best friends. He was sure if they had any problems with their appearance it was superficial, wishing their noses were a smaller size or they had bigger muscles. It was very different for Tanaka, it wasn’t something that as simple.
Tanaka wanted to change. He was trapped, like a butterfly stuck in a cocoon. Suffocating, under the pressure of the rough outer shell struggling to break free and spread the beautiful wings hidden underneath. Tanaka was stuck not knowing what to say or do. So he spent his first year of highschool, floating. Never in life has he ever felt wrong, in his own body. No one knew about his dirty little secret, not one living soul.
That was until his older sister Saeko walked in on him, applying baby pink nail polish on his toes. At first, she was convinced it was a dare but when her younger brother started to cry, she knew something was up. It took about 15 minutes to calm him down, but when he was calm enough, he said one simple phrase,
“I-I feel like I’m in the wrong body....Saeko, I want to be a woman”
Over the next couple months, Tanaka came out of his shell little by little to his older sister. Since their parents were never really around Tanaka felt safe, being himself. Him and Saeko would stay up at night watching makeup tutorials and talking about Tanaka’s future.
No matter how much Saeko supported him at home, he never felt right at school and around the volleyball club. Hypermasculinity was his mask, putting it on everyday was a struggle. When lifted towards his face, it stabbed in leaving his face numbed. A dumb smile on his face, and a twisted sense of mind. It was good for the first couple months. Everyday putting on the same face and acting the same, no one suspected a thing. Tanaka wondered when it was going to be too much to bear, when he would finally be forced to destroy the mask.
The false persona lasted throughout Tanaka’s entire first year, by the spring he was in shreds, barely recognizing himself in the mirror. Holding his mask together with glue and duct tape. He never knew what this would do to him, thinking he was strong enough to handle this. Staying inside most days, and only responding to emails about the club. Isolating himself was the only way he would get relief. Putting the mask on, was getting harder and harder each day.
It was one of those rare days, where Noya showed up out of the blue and forced Tanaka out of the house. Begging for a few minutes to properly get ready, he left his best friend sitting as he slunk upstairs to get ready. He had avoided looking at the mirror, for weeks now. Daring a glance, he frowned. Touching his head, were long hair should be flowing. His face was suddenly too boxy, and not soft enough. The urge to turn to his left and plaster makeup on his face, was suddenly too real. Tears pricked at his eyes, which were squeezed tight. He hated himself, he didn’t want to be what he saw in the mirror. He didn’t think he would ever have the courage to move on.
He calmed himself down quickly, and got dressed. Noya was tapping his foot impatiently at the foot of the stairs.
“Could’ve taken you longer bro, were you fixing your hair like a vain lady,” Noya smiled at him with a sheepish grin, before a chuckle broke out through his teeth. Tanaka gritted his teeth, forcing himself to laugh along with Noya.
“Shut up man, let’s just get going..Where are we going anyways?” Tanaka, stepped outside into the fresh air. He hadn’t been outside in a while it felt good to finally be out in the fresh air. Shoving the comment his friend made earlier into the back of his mind, he followed the bouncing man down the street.
“Well Chikara wanted to meet for a movie, I think Narita and Kinoshita are gonna be there,” Noya smiled at him, as he turned around to walk backwards.
“Not gonna invite Asahi?”, Tanaka jabbed into his best friend's side, the smaller male yelped and gave him a death glare as they reached the movie theater. The other three, second years were standing there chattering. They said their hello’s and entered the movies.
No matter how many times Tanaka tried to get the comment out of his head...He couldn’t. It swirled around all day, tearing at his mask, poking holes in the false persona he had built for himself. His stomach felt like a washing machine when Chikara suggested going through some clothing stores. He stole glances at the dresses in the windows, never stopping long enough to catch their attention. Tanaka could probably come up with an excuse on why he stopped to look at one, maybe he was imagining a pretty girl in it? Yeah...himself...
By the end of the night, he felt worn. Barely listening to the conversation between the other four, he chugged along behind them. The group suddenly stopped forcing him to crash into Kinoshita. He looked up slowly at the 4 sets of eyes peering at him.
“You okay man? You’ve been quiet all day?”
Tanaka looked around, his fingers twitching. He forced a smile, and rubbed his head.
“Yeah man just tired.”
“God you're such a lady,” Noya smiled and patted his back. Tanaka felt the pieces of fabric holding his mind slip, and he turned around waving goodbye to his friends. He ran home, bursting through the door, and up the stairs to crash hands onto his bathroom mirror. Looking up the tears broke through, the hand slipped from the mirror as he fell into a lump on the floor.
Ryuunosuke Tanaka never thought he’d be here. Laying on the floor of his bathroom, sobbing and scratching at the skin of his arms. He tries to get up but his arms are shaking, he has calmed down but his head is still turning. After the 15th try, he finally got up looking up at a ashy face and he gritted his teeth. With a sudden urge he ran downstairs, grabbing anything that was paper and a roll of tape. It was like a trance, wildly tapeing sheet after sheet over the mirror. Heavy tears rolled down his face, hands trembling held scraps of newspaper and homework.
Stepping back, after the last scrap was placed over any reflection of the mirror underneath. Tired lifeless eyes scanned over the clippings, breaking out in a smile. A laugh broke out through him, he was safe from the mirror and what was shown when eyes met it.
Saeko never mentioned the covered up mirror, Tanaka was glad for this. Having felt better about everything; he finally started watching videos with his sister again. She had promised a shopping day, if his grades were good enough. Ryuu was the happiest he had been in a couple weeks. Even if the nagging, and twisting darkness still lurked in the corner of his mind.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his phone light flash and with a loud pair of drums played, “Make A Man Out Of You.” He sighed, answering the phone. He heard a cough then a tired voice on the other end.
“Hey, Tanaka. I hope I’m not bothering you. I just wanted to remind you that Golden Week starts on Monday. Everything is going alright, yea?” Daichi sounded weary, and Tanaka could tell a hand was running through his short black hair.
“Oh hey, Dai-san. No it’s really no trouble at all. I’ll be there on Monday.” He paused, biting at his lower lip at the last question. He didn’t want to be a bother, and stress Daichi out more than he already was. Stuttering to start, he tried to be confident with his reply, “Yea! I’m getting pumped up for the new first years! Bye Dai-san I’ll see you Monday!” Giving Tanaka an unconvinced goodbye, they hung up. That was a close one, he was about to blow his cover.
The weekend was enough time for him to recover right?
Wrong. Tanaka felt wrong as he slunk out of bed. Grabbing his track pants and jacket from the top drawer of his dresser. Lifting an arm up, he almost gagged on the smell. Sighing, he walked to bathroom. He blinked, Saeko still hadn’t taken it down? Tanaka pushed it aside, and quickly showered. Quickly drying himself off, he noticed that the tape around the edges of the mirror were wearing off and beginning to peel. He woke up late, and didn’t have time to fix it.
He shouted to his sister goodbye, and his heart skipped a beat when he heard, “Have a good day lil sis!” It was going to be a good day, he could feel it in his bones.
Golden week went well, the volleyball club gaining 4 new members. The other second years, kept staring at him all day. They were all suspicious. Tanaka tried to be as “normal” as possible. They had a match on saturday and it got Tanaka’s blood pumping, he didn’t even wonder what was going to happen to him when he finally came out. Wanting to take advantage of the time he had right now, to be on the team. It made him more pumped up than ever.
He got home to Saeko standing at the door, the look on her face was serious but also soft. “Can I talk to you?”
“Sure thing, sis.” Tanaka was confused, and had a feeling deep in his gut that maybe he was in trouble? After they took a seat on the couch, Saeko smiled softly at him.
“I wanted to talk to you about, pronouns…” She twiddled her thumbs looking up at her sibling, “How much longer did you want to continue using He/Him? I-I mean you don’t have to answer now...but...I just wanted to make sure.”
He paused for a moment, Ryuu had never thought about this before. He guessed it never crossed his mind, swallowing thickly. Why hadn’t he thought of this? Wasn’t this a normal thing to think about? Saeko stared at him wide eyed, waiting in nervous silence for a response. 3 minutes passed before Tanaka looked up at Saeko..
“I think, I want to try it here at home first..I’m not really out to anyone besides you. So, I think it would be nice to get used to at home.” Tanaka smiled a bit, and saw the relieved looked on Saeko’s face. It made her happy, and it made Tanaka happy too.