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Jin, Kim Seokjin. That had been his name, back before he became an underling of Death, the reaper of souls. Back before he had left his friends behind for the afterlife. Now, where his heart should have been, a hole remained, glaring and obvious. And yet, this hurt, where his heart should have been, pain filled in, pain at having to take his friends, but also something more. Was it… was it happiness? Happiness that he would be able to see his friends again? But what did it matter? He was heartless now, He’d never be able to truly feel again.
The first white lily petal he had to burn, the first he had to take, was Tae. Poor sweet Tae, who had only wanted to save his sister from their abusive Father, had only wanted to escape that awful house and the awful thing he had done. Jin whispered to him, appeared as he was wont to do when he was ready to take the person’s soul and accompanied him and their friends to all their old haunts, before finally finding the place. The one he had been told would be Tae’s last stop. Quietly he watched as all but Tae sat on the edge of the dock, legs dangling there, laughing and joking, and he watched as his friend completed the climb up the tower, from both above and below. He watched as Tae stepped to the edge, looking out at the endless ocean and he leaned forward, whispering in Tae’s ear “Jump. It will be over oh so quickly. Just jump. They’ll understand.” And that was it. The one moment of hesitation was resolved by Jin as both his words and a gentle shove supplemented the steps the boy was already taking, and then Tae was flying, soaring above the water, before he suddenly plunged, hitting the deep green depths. Jin dove down after, making sure he remained there long enough, and then he had his hand, and Tae was smiling and they were gone, back it to Heaven or Hell, Jin couldn’t tell anymore and he went to burn the next petal, leaving four in his wake.
It should have been simple enough. Jin had orchestrated enough fights now, it shouldn’t have been this hard, but something about Jungkook kept him from completing his task, the allotted time was slowly drawing to a close. Maybe it was the fact that Yoongi and Jungkook had had an unresolved fight and Jin hoped they’d talk it out before it was time. But that was impossible, he had no heart, he couldn’t hope. He had watched as Jungkook had slammed the door on Yoongi, had watched as he wandered, alone, almost begging for death to take him, had watched as the two men who were supposed to finish him had beaten him, and still Jin had been unable to do it. He hadn’t even appeared to Jungkook. Maybe it was shame keeping him from doing so, maybe it was guilt, but those should be just as impossible as hope. And so, he waited. And finally, as Jungkook staggered up, and away from what should have been his final resting place, Jin knew. It wasn’t the beating, no, he was going to have to hit him with the car. The same car they had used before, when they were all happy together those nights at the warehouse, when Jin would drive the over to their hideout, their home. And he did. He stepped on the gas and watched as Jungkook stared, realization slowly dawning in his eyes at the sight of his dead friend, and then Jin had his hand too and they were joining Tae. Yoongi would be following them soon.
Jin had joined Yoongi right after taking Jungkook, watched him play with the old lighter, the one that he always had on him, and sighed. Yoongi had always depended on the others, especially after Jiyong and his family had died, needing the support and reminder that his life was still valued, no matter the fact that his family was gone and he was alone. But Jin knew that with Jungkook, Tae and he himself dead, it was only a matter of time until Yoongi acted on his impulse, the one Jungkook and he had been so quick to snuff out so many times before, the Anxiety and doubts and fear overwhelming everything, all thoughts, until all that was left was "It's over, you're alone, no one needs you, no one wants you, finish it". There was no one there to calm him, no crooked fingers to brush through his hair and remind him that he still had friends, no soothing voice to remind him he still had a makeshift family in those around him, no one there at all. Eventually he would realize he was alone for real, and he would do it. So Jin waited, and watched as Yoongi himself waited. Waited for the youngest member of their small group of friends to come back and tell him he was sorry so that he himself could say he was sorry, waited for him to come back so that the anxiety could be driven back again, maybe not as completely as it had once been by Jin, though still stopped and shored up, held at bay. But he never came, and Jin knew he never would. He watched as Yoongi got up and threw on a jacket, and he followed him out, waiting for Yoongi to see the body still lying in the road as paramedics tried to bring him back and knew it was almost time. Jin watched as the last bit of life and light died in Yoongi's eyes, realization striking him raw, watched as the last of his old friend crumbled, helped him lug the gas back to the room, and then they spilled it all, dumped it on the bed and the clothes and Jin handed him the lighter, watched as Yoongi flicked the flint and lit the spark and then he waited. And then there were three petals left and Yoongi, Tae and Jungkook were waiting, anxious to see the others again.
Hoseok had rarely needed the pills while Jin was still alive, had dumped them in the fire so so many times, but now, now he craved them, needed them, like a fish needs water, or lungs air. He had been trying to stop, Jimin was so worried, and Hoseok didn’t want him to be, but it was so hard. And then Jin was there, standing behind him, reaching above him into the open cabinet above the sink, which Hoseok had been just about to close and handed the orange container to him. Somehow it seemed like there were more pills now, not just the four he was sure had been there last night, but he didn’t care. Jin was telling him it was okay to take them, and if Jin said it was okay, Hoseok would do it. His Hyung had never been wrong, and never could be. Jin grimaced. This was one of the deaths he hadn’t wanted to deal with. The sunshine. After he died, there’d only be Namjoon and Jimin and they would be sure to follow their Best friend quickly. After wandering onto the bridge, Jin cradled Hoseok, making the pain from the impact on the concrete almost nonexistent. Hoseok sighed, and then he was with them, his friends, brothers, family. And Jin knelt in his room, the pain where his heart should have been becoming almost unbearable as he prepared to burn the last two petals.
The water was lukewarm, almost to the point where Jimin could no longer feel it. He tried to swipe at the tears he’d been unable to stop after finding out about Hoseok. The picture showed them all so happy, so sure they would stay a family, and then Jin had gotten sick and then, and then they were broken, so very very broken. Picking up the lighter, Yoongi’s lighter, the only thing they’d been able to pull from the rubble, he lit the picture on fire. Frowning as he watched the memory burn, he looked up and jumped a little, Jin sat on the edge of the tub, watching the paper curl and be eaten by the flames, a sad light in his eyes. “I’m sorry Jin, so Sorry. I tried. I did!” Jimin sobbed into Jin’s sleeve, and as he had so often when the older boy was alive, Jin comforted him, whispering “It’s alright, I know. I know. It’ll all be over soon, okay?” And then Jimin let go of Jin, and he was sliding down into the water, and Jin was watching him. And then he felt a weight on his chest as if someone were pushing down, but Jimin didn’t mind. He was scared as anyone might be, but he didn’t mind, and then that was it, Jin held his hand, and the others were surrounding them and then Jin was gone again, but this time Jimin wasn’t nearly as broken. After all, he was just going to retrieve their leader, the one who had had to remain until the end, and then they could be a family again.
He was tired. So, tired. The cigarette between his lips tasted acrid and shitty, but he couldn’t throw it away, not right now, not just yet. As Namjoon blew another puff of the smoke, a car drove up. Silently he went over, taking the gas cap off, starting the gas pumping into the car and waiting for the thing to finish filling, he puffed at the cigarette, thinking. Two months had passed since Tae had jumped, Jungkook and Yoongi had followed each other almost a week after, Hoseok had overdosed four days ago, and then Jimin drowned himself yesterday. Namjoon was ready for it to just end. He was the only one left and he felt so tired, so alone and simply ready to lay down. The clunk of the gas finishing jolted him out of his thoughts and he put the handle away, sliding the cap back onto its proper place. The people in the car dumped the money on the ground and then sped away and Namjoon sighed, looking down at it. A face appeared in a nearby puddle and he jerked his head up double checking to be certain. Of course, it would be Jin that came for him. His closest friend, his comforter, his parent almost… hell who was he kidding? He was parent to all of them, their small, broken group of friends and then he had died and everything had gone to shit. “Is it really you Jin?” A soft affirmation and Namjoon dropped his cigarette on the money, igniting it. Jin picked it up with careful fingers and set it inside the gas terminal. “Are you ready?” A roar filled his ears and then silence before a piercing cry met his ears and multiple arms encircled his waist as all his friends hugged him.
First they smiled and cried, and then they frowned, Jin was gone again, but that wasn’t supposed to be how it went. Jin was supposed to be with them now. Silently they began to look for him, and then they began calling his name, the words echoing “Jin, Kim Seokjin!”.
Jin knelt in his room, watching as the last of the petals burnt out, and then he opened the curtains, looking outside at the sky, that sky he had so badly wanted to reach for, once. He gasped, the pain where his heart should have been was gone, he felt…. Whole. Looking down, the hollow was gone, and after trying the doors which had locked him in his own mind for so long, he tentatively walked, and then almost ran down the hall, toward the sounds of his friends’ voices as they called his name over and over. “Jin, Kim Seokjin”. Yes, that was his name, wasn’t it?