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It's how most days started off for the both of them, hazy mornings with rushed goodbyes and repressed feelings. Waking up to comforting arms was fleeting for as soon as they realized what had happened the night before, guilt overcame them and they left to the safety of their own homes quickly and quietly.
Tom hated the cycle, hated that he couldn't break it, but above all hated how he'd fallen for his friend who'd never love him back. Jordan's love for Tom was only shown in the dark, under the covers, hidden from the daytime where Jordan would slip away and back into 'just friends'. Tom didn't want to hate Jordan for this, he tried rationalizing it, tried telling himself that Jordan would come around, that he needed to come to terms with what they did when they were alone, but his faith in the idea faded each and every time Jordan slipped out in the mornings without any word to Tom. What hurt most was how Jordan treated him when they were around friends, like he was a stranger, someone who didn't know the intricate ways his body moved and the way Jordan would hold Tom as they slept peacefully. Maybe it wasn't Jordan's fault, maybe it was Tom to blame for this mess he had gotten himself into.
Tom was the one to start this months ago, on a rare occasion in which Jordan had been drinking. It was after a party which Tom had practically dragged Jordan to, promising him he'd 'have fun', that it had happened the first time. Tom had known he was bisexual for a long time, but never expected to hook up with one of his best friends, one that was adamantly straight at that. The morning after the first time Jordan was gone from Tom's bed, and he had even wondered if he'd imagined it all. But It wasn't long until they fell into a rhythm of friends by day, lovers by night. And it wasn't long for Tom to catch feelings.
This morning was so similar to so many others they had shared, Tom woke up first but lay still, relishing in the precious moments in which Jordan's body pressed against him as he lay sleeping. Jordan's arm was laid across Tom's chest, his fingers splayed gently against his skin. Tom would give anything to just touch those hands, hold them in the light of day, and tell everyone who he loved.
Today, though, was also unusual. Today, Tom had waken up in Jordan's apartment, in Jordan's bed, in a place where Jordan couldn't sneak away and hide his shame over Tom. Today was different.
Tom slipped out from under Jordan's arm as careful as he could and pulled clothes on silently. More than butterflies raged in his stomach as he thought about what he planned to do. Surely Jordan would still be his friend, he wouldn't disown him at least? But it wouldn't matter, Tom had made his decision, Jordan be damned. Tom couldn't go another night of falling into bed just to crawl back into Jordan's illusion during the day. He settled into the couch, his head falling back as his mind raced, and waited for the man he loved to wake up.
It wasn't too long before he emerged, eyes tired and hair still mussed. Tom could hear Jordan shuffling around in the hallway before making his way toward Tom, jumping as he first noticed him.
"Jesus, Tom, I thought you'd have left by now." Jordan said awkwardly, his eyes adverted from the boy on his couch.
Tom lolled his head toward him. "I know." He said simply.
"We usually..." Jordan trailed off, not willing to breach the subject.
"You usually leave." He uttered pointedly.
Jordan's brow knit in confusion as he crossed his arms over his chest. "You can stay if you want to, you know that. You're my friend."
Tom huffed out a hollow laugh in response and turned his head away. "We're not just friends and you fucking know it."
Stunned silence came from Jordan's side of the room for a few heartbeats. "Feelings were never part of the deal, were just friends."
"What DEAL, Jordan!" Tom finally got up and spun to face Jordan. "There was never any fucking deal, just denial. You never said a word about anything."
"Neither did you!" Jordan's voice rose slightly to match Toms. "You never said anything, Tom, don't blame this all on me!"
"At least I wasn't nothing to you during the day! When's the only time you text me Jordan? At night. When you're trying to hook up with me so you can forget it in the morning."
"Well yeah, maybe that's all I saw this as! Just hooking up. Because you never said anything different, you never told me no." Jordan shouted.
"That's all you see me as Jordan? Some lay?" Tom's eyes watered and he clenched his fist. "Because I sit there almost every morning watching someone I love fucking walk away!"
Silence struck the air between them, dread trickling into Tom's veins like ice. Tears finally began to fall on his cheeks, while Jordan just stood, motionless, with his eyes stuck to the floor.
"I... I think you should go."
Tom gaped, mouth open, at Jordan before collecting what was left of himself. Chest heaving, Tom grabbed his coat and rushing for the door.
"Fuck. You."