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“Derek, what the fuck?” Stiles frowned, wanting to punch the ex-alpha.
“I’m no good for you. We both know I’m just going to hurt you…”
“Oh, and you think this isn’t going to hurt me?!” He shouted, tears beginning to well in his eyes. “You think it isn’t hurting me right now, you complete and utter asshole!”
“Stiles, please-“
“No.”
“Stiles-“
“No. Fuck you.”
“Damnit, Stiles!”
“What? You have no right to be mad at me, Derek. You’re the one who- who- who- no.”
“I think it’s best if you just go.”
“Don’t do this, Derek.”
“I’m sorry…”
“No you’re not. Fourteen months for absolutely nothing. Wow.”
~
It still hurt. Months later, and Derek still found himself feeling completely hollow, he’d only ever felt like this once before, the day after killing his own family. It had been a lonely year. Derek knew it was his own fault, he was the one who broke up with Stiles after all. But that fact didn’t make it hurt any less. It didn’t stifle the broken sobs that racked him at night as he laid in the bed they’d shared for so long. It didn’t make it any easier when he found one of the teen’s hoodies laying in his closet, filling the loft with Stiles’ coppery scent. It didn’t hurt any less when Derek found the leather jacket he gave to Stiles on their anniversary laying by his front door. And it certainly didn’t make it hurt less when he heard that Stiles had moved on.
~
“You should move in with me,” Derek said, like he was stating his favourite colour (which is blue, by the way). Stiles stiffened against him, eyes flying away from the movie they were watvhing to landon Derek’s face.
“I’m sorry, what?” He laughed when he finally caught his breath back.
Derek frowned and slid his arms away from around his boyfriend’s shoulders and slowly stood. “Forget it, I didn’t say anything.”
“No, wait, Derek, baby,” Stiles smiled, grabbing the werewolf’s arm to stop him from getting to far. “You really want me to move in with you?”
Derek nodded sheepishly and gave a hint of a smile, “You already have a drawer in my cupboard, your toothbrush sits by the sink, there’s Peanut Butter Cups in my fridge, Stiles. Move in with me. Stay here.”
“…Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Okay.”
~
Watching Stiles’ stony expression as he packed away his possessions was probably the hardest part, Derek decided. To not see a single tear fall from his eyes, to just watch the blank expression as he handed back the key they had cut specifically for him. It made him want to fall to his knees and beg for forgiveness, to beg for Stiles back in his arms as he’d wished for nights upon nights. Derek wished he could take it all back, take Stiles back. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t hurt the man he’d loved like that. The man he still loved. Would always love.
~
Derek waited until Stiles’ breathing had evened out before pressing his lips to the boy’s temple and whispering into the night. “You mean so much to me,” He confessed to the sleeping boy. “You have since you saved me from the kanima. That’s when I knew I loved you… And I still love you. ” Derek smiled down at Stiles and kissed his cheek before settling back down behind the boy with his arm wrapped securely around his waist, their fingers interlocked.
“I love you too,” Stiles whispered voice thick with sleep. The revelation caused Derek to lightly blush, thinking his words fell on empty ears. Instead of saying anything more, he simply kissed the back of Stiles’ neck and squeezed his hand tightly before closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep.
~
Finding out that Stiles now loved another man wasn’t easy on Derek. He spent a week away from Beacon Hills to pull himself together and spent a further two days staying back at the old house his family used to live in, just so he didn’t have to be by the city. Isaac and Scott still spoke to him and tried to keep him company, but always smelt like Stiles and the boy’s new partner. It took a long time to adjust, but eventually he did, even though it pained him to see the two of them together, happy like he once was. Derek knew he had to leave again, for a much longer time. He needed to get away from the sadness he felt follow him everywhere he went, hollowness encompassing his mind.
~
To: Stiles
I’ve given up on us.
But it still hurts to know you’re not alone.
-Derek