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Keith couldn’t tell the others why he felt like this; like their victory would be his defeat. Of course he wanted this. He wanted it as much as the others- for Zarkon to be defeated and the universe free from his terrible reign. They could end the pain and the bloodshed that had gone on for 10,000 years and of course he wanted that. It’s all that they had set out to do; all that they had been working so hard for; all that they all had come so close to their own deaths on multiple occasions to achieve. It was for completely selfish reasons that he gave the tiniest bit of hesitation in his part of fighting with the others. Zarkon’s fleets were thinning, his ships falling one by one, and Zarkon himself was losing. And when the final blow was delivered and Zarkon fell, Keith felt like he was watching it all happen numbly and from a great distance.
He could hear his fellow Paladins exchanging questioning remarks. Had they done it? Was it all really over? He heard their celebrations and felt sick to his stomach. When they returned to the Castle, Allura and Coran were waiting for them with tearful praise. They had done it! They had freed the universe of Zarkon! And now they could finally return to Earth- return home. The nostalgia and excitement was so contagious that for a moment he felt he could ignore these strange feelings he was having. He celebrated with them with laughter and smiles he almost convinced himself were real.
The mood shifted a bit when Allura and Coran shared their own happy memories of home and how they wished they too could return. But now that they had won and Voltron was victorious, Allura could truly say that Altea’s loss was not in vain. They all gave words of apology and comfort and once the vargas were late enough to be acceptable, Keith excused himself to his room where that odd feeling quickly returned and grew. Home. They were finally going home. Or at least the others were. Of course he felt a connection with Earth that a part of him had missed, but the Castle had been more of a home to him than his foster homes, the Garrison, or his shack in the desert ever had. And the only true family he had ever known was here- about to leave him. They all had something to return to. Families who would have missed them terribly and would give anything to have them back. Lives that were left on hold so that they could protect the universe- so that they could protect Earth from a threat it didn’t even know existed.
But now that threat had passed and Keith felt an overwhelming sense of dread. He wanted his friends to have all that they missed from Earth. He wanted them to be happy, so he would smile and pretend to be happy along with them, but here alone in his room looking out at the quiet of the galaxy, he felt like an imploding star- closing in on himself slowly until suddenly tears blurred the view outside and all his grief came bursting forth. He didn’t want to return to his lonely shack in the desert. He didn’t want to be alone again. It was his greatest fear. The one looming thought that kept him up at night. It made him fight that much harder for those he loved. He knew what it was like to be so alone.
He was alone in all of the foster homes who cared for him about as much as one cares for pest in their home. He felt it at the Garrison where people praised him for his instinct and skill, but never cared enough to see he was struggling after Shiro’s disappearance. Instead, they cast him aside like he was nothing. He felt it too in the desert when all that consumed his mind was finding Shiro along with whatever entity was calling him farther and farther into the dusty canyons. All his life, he had become well acquainted with loneliness. When he found Shiro and the other Palatines, the Lions, the Castle, Allura, and Coran, he felt he had finally found a place for himself where people really cared for him as more than an asset, but as a person. He knew it was selfish to think, but he just didn’t want to be alone again.
But he would if it meant the ones he loved could return to the ones they loved. For them he would retreat to his desert and leave them to their lives. Because he loved them he would let them go.