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Louis has always been someone who would go out of their way to do things to make someone smile, to take away someone’s pain away from them, to make someone happy when his own life was a shattering mess. Louis has always been someone who wanted the best for the ones he loved with everything that he has, even if it meant that he would remain sad and gloomy all the way.
That was exactly what he was doing now, on a March night. It has been almost three months since he last smiled, since he was happy and alive. He never thought that there would come a time when he would have to imagine a life without the love of his life, a life without Harry. But here he is, three months in, living in an empty house, with nothing but the deafening silence as a company. He is currently perched up on the couch, a blanket covering his body while the dry tear tracks settling on his once rosy cheeks. It has been three months and Harry has moved on.
That was the very first thing he saw when he opened his twitter after god knows how long. Some secret shots of Harry and a blonde girl inside the car with a catchy headline in the very first page of The Sun. Harry and Tess. Louis is happy for Harry, he really is. If that’s what makes Harry happy, who is Louis to have any problems with it because at the end of the day Harry’s happiness is the only thing that matters to him.
Louis always knew that if ever something like this happens where he has to leave behind and break up with Harry, it will always affect him the most even though he always acted cool and chirpy about it. He always had this fear in the back of his mind, the fear of losing himself in the process of loving Harry. He still remembers what his mother told him, told him to make someone happy when you are having a shit day and that is exactly what he was doing, helping a LGBTQ+ foundation secretly and hopes that it makes the slightest of the difference in their lives.
*******
“Can we not do this?”, Harry said for the hundredth time that night heavily sighing as if every single word spoken to Louis was a chore to him.
“I-I just wanted to talk to you for a while, Harry. Just talk. God forbid that I want to talk to my boyfriend after a bad day, tell him about the things that went wrong and seek some comfort”, Louis didn’t mean to snap but it’s only a lot that a person can bear.
“Maybe I am just tired and want a quiet night in. Did you ever think about that, Louis? Probably not, right? Too busy shoving your new , no wait, ex-cum-new girlfriend down everyone’s face”,Harry couldn’t even realise how the fuck he went so cold and rigid with his behaviour when they both knew that things would always get hard and never be easy.
“Is it what it’s about then?” Louis paused thinking of what to say next “Is it what you are upset about? Because I had to go out with Eleanor?” Harry simply shook his head and stormed off slamming their bedroom door in the meantime.
“Stop walking away every single time, Harry and fucking talk to me like an adult. Tell me what you are feeling. Tell me what I need to do to make it bett-“ Louis couldn’t even finish his sentence before Harry started shouting profanities into the air.
“DON’T YOU FUCKING SEE? I AM TIRED, LOUIS. TIRED OF SEEING HER FACE. TIRED OF SEEING HER ARMS WRAPPED AROUND YOU. TIRED OF SEEING THE EXACT SAME FACE THAT YOU ALMOS-“, Harry sighed.
“Harry, you can’t bring the same things that happened years ago. Hell, I wasn’t even sure at that time and everything was confusing for me. You have to understand that, baby. It’s you now and it’s always going to be you”, Louis tried reassuring while stepping closer to Harry bringing his hand slowly to caress Harry’s cheek only to be slapped away quickly.
“Don’t. Just, you knew Louis. You knew what it would do to me. You knew but you didn’t deny this. You simply went along with it. What do you expect from me? I am a human at the end of the day, a human with feelings.”, Louis knew what was coming next. He knew exactly what Harry was going to do next.
“I THINK WE SHOULD NOT SEE EACH OTHER FOR A WHILE”, Louis sighed and looked away blinking away the tears that were already cascading down his cheeks.
“Just say it if you want to break up, Harry.” Louis' voice cracked in the end and Harry knew that Louis was crying. As much as Harry wanted to reassure Louis, hold his body closer to him and say that it’s going to be okay, he wanted to look out for himself, just this once because he knew how badly it was already affecting him. Harry’s silence was more than enough for Louis to understand that it was over.
Louis doesn’t remember much of it just remembers waking up on the floor of their bedroom with a deafening silence and empty wardrobes with just his clothes in them. Harry was gone.
*******
Louis still remembers that he felt a pair of lips on his forehead at some point that night but well, maybe he was just imagining things. Sitting surrounded with alcohol bottles all around is not something Louis would have ever thought of doing but that is exactly what kept him going, even though it was killing him a little inside, every single day.
Aimlessly reaching out for his phone, Louis dialled the number in his speed dial even before he understood what he was doing. One ring, two rings, three and finally on the fourth ring, he heard that deep husky voice that made him swoon, still does.
“Hey”, Harry’s voice sounded so clipped off and distant. Louis was in no mood for pleasantries and simply jumped off to the thing he wished to know about.
“So? I-is s-she t-thee one, dear Harold? The one you wann-na s-spend your life with?” Louis could hear that rhythmic breathing of Harry that used to calm him down and make him feel safe whenver times got rough but now, it simply irked the thought maybe that breathing and solace was someone else’s.
“Louis, are you drunk?” Harry always knew how a little bit of alcohol could make Louis tipsy and while he used to make fun of Louis’ threshold about it, he was definitely not comfortable with Louis drunk calling him at almost midnight now.
“Just answer me, Har-Harry” Louis hiccupped.
Harry sighed on the other end of the call knowing exactly what Louis wanted to know, to know if what he saw in the articles were real and not some made up story.
“So what if it is? We are not together, Louis. You can’t put this above my head now to gain a good side for yourself. You just can’t, not anymore. I am not yours to keep now, Louis. I am my own and I can be with whoever I feel like.” Harry wanted to take back every single word that he spat out but his boiling rage inside seemed to disagree. All he wanted was to hurt Louis because how dare he call him after three long months and that too after seeing that article. Was Harry not worth more than that?
“Oh”, was all Louis could muster to say before he hung up.
Suddenly Vodka straight off the bottle sounded so pleasant and just felt right. So he did what he could do lessen the pain within himself, he drank himself into oblivion.
*******
Even though Harry wanted to hurt Louis with everything that he threw at him, something didn’t sit right with him from the moment he ended the call. He kept pacing across the room, clutching his phone tightly in his hand, debating whether or not to call and check up on Louis because he didn’t know how good Louis will handle the alcohol within himself. He lastly bunked all the ideas and decided to go check up on him and get the assurance that Louis is okay.
After driving off for a few minutes, Harry found himself parked right outside their, well, Louis’ house. Turning off the car, Harry simply walked up to the door and knocked on the door twice but didn’t hear any kind of rustling or any other noise from the inside which definitely didn’t make Harry feel any better.
Even after a few minutes when he couldn’t wait anymore, Harry bent down and picked up the spare key from the under the doormat and clicked open the door and he was glad that they always kept a spare there because the scene in front of him made Harry’s ground freeze, making it unable for him to decide what to do next.
There was Louis on the floor beside the couch, bottles of alcohol surrounding him while he laid there motionless and static. Harry thought maybe Louis has passed out because of drinking too much and walked over to the couch only to find Louis’ entire body cold.
“Lou”, Harry kept shaking Louis trying to bring him back to his senses.
“Louis... Wake up, baby. Please please, wake up”, even with Harry’s incessant shaking and murmuring, Louis didn’t move an inch which is why Harry simply called for the ambulance and paramedics who came through within the next 5 minutes.
The next fifteen minutes were simply a blur for Harry.
*******
Harry always disliked hospitals and now that he was stood outside the hospital room while the doctors were inserting needles and tubes into the delicate skin of Louis, he disliked it even more. Nothing could ever surpass the fear that he felt when he picked up the almost lifeless body of Louis off the ground to the ambulance. He almost lost him. Physically, this time.
After what felt like an eternity, the doctor stepped out of the room and came around to address Harry about Louis’ situation.
“H-Hey Doctor, M Harry, I u-uh, How’s he now?” Harry kept stuttering in search of coherent words but failing miserably.
“He’s stable now. We have pumped his stomach and the alcohol has had a very bad effect on his body already but he is stable as of now but he might show signs of withdrawal when he’s off this and that might be a bit worse than it already is. I’ll come and check up on him later, let him rest for a bit now”, Harry slumped down on the seat registering everything that the doctor just said.
*******
It had already been over 6 hours and Harry just knew that Liam was the only one who was closer to Louis and knew about their break. Liam was the only one Louis trusted with his vulnerable self and while he thought he didn’t know, Harry knew that Louis stayed with Liam the entire time after Harry walked out on Louis.
“Louis Tomlinson”, Harry heard Liam’s troubled voice from where he was sitting and called out for Liam to come over.
“You can go” was the first thing that came out of Liam’s mouth after he came face to face with Harry.
“W-what?”, Harry asked bewildered.
“I said you can go. I’ll take it from here now. I’ll take care of him. You can leave now and go back to living your life”, Liam’s words came out harsh and cold but that was exactly what he wanted Harry to feel, the same pain that his best friend was going through.
“I am not going anywhere, Liam”, Harry spoke out loud trying to persuade Liam
“Funny because it didn’t take you much the last time you left. Just, i don’t want to talk about it anymore Harry. Just, leave”, Liam’s voice was calm yet assertive about the situation
“I am not going, Liam. I am not leaving Louis when he is like his, not anymore”, Harry’s voice came off as pleading and he didn’t even realise that he was crying, teardrops rolling down his cheeks.
“JUST GO HARRY. I ALREADY LOST MY BEST MATE ONCE, TWICE IF YOU COUNT YESTERDAY’S EVENT AS ONE. JUST STAY AWAY FROM HIM. LEAVE HIM ALONE FOR GOD’S SAKE” Harry never thought he would get to see this side of Liam ever but what made him freeze was the “I already lost my best mate once”.
“W-what?”, Harry didn’t even care if his eyes were already red and his cheeks wet from all the new information that he got.
“Yes, Harry. We lost him once. The same reason he is admitted for now, we lost him because I couldn’t perform my duties as a best friend properly, because I failed him as a best friend. I couldn’t save him from everything that he was fighting within”, it was so evident how Liam was close to breaking down himself.
“When?”, Harry’s voice came out so soft that even Liam couldn’t register what he was saying.
“When?” Harry repeated himself.
“Your Birthday”, Liam’s answer was definitely the last straw and before he knew, Harry was down on his knees, bawling his eyes out, thrashing every single thing in his close vicinity. Liam couldn’t just sit there and see his other best mate falling apart like that, even when he was on a bad book at the moment. Liam simply sat by him and held Harry close to his chest rocking him back and forth, whispering in his ear.
“I-I fucked up, Li. I fucked up”, Harry’s voice was so weak and vulnerable which made Liam’s hold on him even tighter than ever.
“I wanted to run back to him the moment I walked out, Li. There was nothing else that I wanted to do but I just couldn’t. Every time I thought about going back my mind reeled back to the days when he almost gave up on us because of her, Li. He thought for a split second that Eleanor would be better for him and I know he was not sure about anything and he was scared but I just couldn’t keep my mind off this and I kept pushing him and hurting him so much that I didn’t even realise that I fucked up this bad”, Harry kept trembling, his voice shaky.
“He loves you like nothing else, Harry. The moment he came to me after you both split, I couldn’t get him out of the bed for two weeks, Harry. Two weeks. He kept crying and thrashing things around and in the morning he would just go and pick up the things and rearrange them and keep himself busy. He lost himself in the process of loving you and you made him do that. He wanted you to pick him up, you just let him go.” Liam’s word kept feeling like daggers through his heart.
“How did you f-find h-him?” Harry enquired.
“He stayed with me the entire time but then he said that he needed some clothes and wanted to go back home and pick them up. I insisted him that he can wear mine but he kept declining and I didn’t want to pester him, so I let him go and told him that I would keep dinner ready. I kept calling him even when it was after midnight and I couldn’t sit back and wait anymore which is why I drove over to the house and found him lying on the floor with bottles all around him, Harry. I couldn’t feel his pulse for a second and I almost thought it was over but then he started coughing vigorously and started coughing up blood, I didn’t wait anymore and called the paramedics and admitted him to the hospital”, Liam finished telling everything with a sigh.
“I did it. I was the reason he broke down like that, Liam. I caused him so much pain”, and fresh tears started rolling down his cheeks while Liam held him close.
*******
It was almost around 12 hours later that Louis finally woke up and the doctors checked his vitals and everything seemed under control for the moment.
Louis opened his eyes to find Liam by his bedside holding his hand and running his thumb in comfort. Louis peeked open his eyes and moved his fingers making Liam look up to him and smiled a dopey smile.
“How are you feeling, Lou?” Liam asked softly.
“Peachy, Leemo” Louis tried to joke around only for his smile to falter the moment he looked up to see Harry entering the room.
“Harry” Louis’ voice came out merely as a whisper.
“Hey, Lou”, Harry smiled his beautiful smile, dimples on display.
Liam understood that giving some alone time to the both of them would definitely be the ideal thing to do right that moment that’s what he exactly did. He excused himself by saying that he needed some coffee to keep him up and steady on his feet which was not a complete lie.
Harry walked over by Louis’ bed and sat down reaching out to hold Louis’ hand carefully only for Louis to recoil further into himself. Harry knew he deserved it but it hurt nonetheless.
“Why?” Harry whispered hoping Louis wouldn’t catch on.
“What do you mean by why?”, Louis snapped anger boiling deep within himself because how could Harry ask this shit when he very well knew he was the reason behind it all.
“I mean the first time, Louis. On my birthday, why did you do it?” Harry looked straight into those blue eyes, the eyes which once made him fall in love with the boy who smiled and saved people, and now the one who himself needs saving .
“I –i uh didn’t mean to, that time. But you know the day I woke up after it happened , with all these tubes and channels inserted within me, I wish I didn’t make it, I wished I was dead but well, I wasn’t. Liam found me”, Louis’ voice was broken and shaky.
“Lou” and in that moment Harry didn’t want to do anything but hold his entire world close to him and that was exactly what he did, he held Louis close to his chest, feeling Louis’ tears soak into his shirt.
“I didn’t mean for it to happen that day. It was your birthday and did you know I had so many plans done beforehand? I was all ready to surprise you with a house full of your favorite roses, I was going to show you how much I love you and I had the entire day planned for you, Harry. I had the entire day planned. But then, I came back to this empty house and my phone kept ringing, the florist and the restaurant kept calling to confirm the delivery and the bookings and I just couldn't fathom the thought that I wouldn’t be able to do any of it. I wouldn’t be able to hold you close anymore, to feel your skin, to see or to make you smile. I wouldn’t be able to do any of it and I just lost it. I simply lost it all and I drank because it helped. I didn’t realise it would get out of hand like that but when I gulped down the first drink, it just felt so right. It just numbed the pain and I felt so better”.
“I am sorry. I am so sorry, Louis. I just thought you would realise I am no good and leave me”, and this time it was Harry who kept crying while Louis wiped off the tear from his eyes that rolled down his cheeks.
“We are so broken, aren’t we?” Louis mumbled laughing softly.
Harry simply nodded and kept his head down only for Louis to realise how ashamed he was and all that he now wanted was for Louis to take him back, for them to start afresh.
“I love you”, Harry’s voice came out of nowhere and Harry could feel Louis freeze beside him. He carefully lifted his head only to find Louis’ cheek wet and his eyes rimmed red. He was crying, his Louis was crying and he didn’t even waste a moment and lunged at him to hold him as close as he could without distorting the tubes and channels.
“You don’t realise how long I have waited for you to say that. I-I just wanted you to stay and for you to tell me you wouldn’t be the one leaving because I knew I would never be able to handle living a life that doesn’t include you” Louis paused “ I love you too”.
Harry didn’t realise he wasn’t breathing till he heard Louis say it back to him and he sighed in relief.
“You wouldn’t let me fall, will you?” Louis asked.
“Never”.
“We will try again? Harder this time?”
“We will”
“I love you”.. “I love you too”.
And when Louis felt the soft press of those addictive lips of Harry’s upon his, he didn’t care what happened next. He wanted to live in the present, with Harry by his side, holding him and being all his.