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Philip wishes he could stop time.
Helen's jeep purrs beneath them steady, flowing along roads winding through woods of the Hudson Valley and despite the occasional glimmer of the Hudson River on their right Philip cannot bring himself to appreciate the journey. Even after they leave the country behind and the suburbs of New York City takes over the view, he only wants to turn his head into the crook of Lukas’ neck and will the time into stillness.
Lukas has an arm around him and his head resting atop Philip’s. Through the entire ride his hands never leave him, brushing across Philip’s arms, tracing along the contours of his face, twining their fingers together. He speaks to him too. Tells him about their plans for the summer, how they will go on a two week journey with nothing but each other and the car Gabe and Helen gave to Philip. He tells him about NYU, the apartment they’ll be living in together come September, all the sorority parties they’ll make fun of. He whispers quiet promises hot in his ear, reserved only for him, his fingers moving across his skin in subtle demonstration. Three times he tilts his chin up to kiss him on the lips, paying no mind to Gabe and Helen or his dad following close with his own pickup truck, probably getting a full view of the whole exchange through the back window.
Philip hasn’t been separated from Lukas for a week since the day they had met. He hasn’t been apart from him for more than two days since he kissed him under a tree and now Lukas will be gone for a week and he can’t go with him.
“I’ll text you sixty times a minute.”
“That’s literally impossible.”
“I’ll send you pictures of hipster tire tracks and gross filter coffee.”
“Thanks. I can’t wait.”
“I won’t touch a single slice of pizza without you.”
“You better not.”
Gabe and Helen’s low chatter from the front seats lingers in the quiet. Lukas’ hold tightens.
“I’m gonna miss you every fricking second.”
Philip’s voice dies in the ache in his throat. He turns to Lukas and finds him looking at him with the same immense feeling flickering in the blue of his eyes that’s been twisting his own gut in knots for days. He feels stupid for pouting, for forgetting that whatever Lukas’ being away for one week means to him, being away from Philip for one week means the same to Lukas. Junior motocross champion and the ‘one to look out for’ in the pro circuit, it is easy to forget just how vulnerable Lukas actually is behind all his ‘savage’ talk. Philip knows him like he knew every creaking floorboard and every light switch and threshold in his mother’s house. He could navigate him in the dark. He could close his eyes and find every mark on his skin without guide. He knows the walls of his bones hurt just like his. He knows the shine in his eyes is only half fire. He knows him. He lives him. Lukas is home.
Philip reaches up to cup the side of his face, bringing their foreheads together.
“It’s only this one time, baby.”
“Yeah but...”
“And only cause they won’t let me skip finals.”
“School is stupid.”
Helen coughs pointedly. They grin at each other.
“It’s only stupid for another month. Then we graduate.”
“Yeah.”
“Then I’ll never be away from you again.”
“Yeah?”
“I’ll follow you across the country to every race, to every sponsorship meeting. You’ll never have to miss me.”
With their foreheads still resting against one another, Lukas searches his eyes.
“Promise?”
“I swear.”
Philip kisses him softly to seal the vow. Lukas sighs with his eyes closed.
“Motocross is stupid too.”
Philip laughs. “You don’t even mean that.”
“Right now I do.”
“It’ll be over before you know it. You’ll woo everyone in California and win gold and come back before I can even stop complaining about the finals.”
“I only want to woo you.”
Smiling, Philip kisses the tip of Lukas’ nose.
“You have wooed me long time ago. It was at this trashy convenience store. You were looking at me all wide-eyed and excited like I was the best thing since s’mores.”
“You are the best thing even before s’mores.”
“Aww, you are so romantic.”
“I know, right?
Philip’s eyes meet Gabe’s at the rearview mirror and his smile makes him flush even after all this time he has spent with them wrapped in acceptance and unconditional support. Behind the rearview mirror, he notices the large overhead traffic sign for the JFK exit. His heart squeezes tight.
It takes them 10 more minutes to reach the airport, pass security and find a parking spot. Bo pats Lukas on his shoulder and says he’ll go ahead and get his bike loaded up. They watch as he rounds the corner in his pickup truck with Lukas’ electric green dirt bike safely secured. Helen hugs Lukas and tells him to be careful and to not forget to eat. Lukas looks adorably flustered and it only gets better when Gabe hugs him as well and tells him that they are proud of him.
“I.. thanks guys. Really. I appreciate it.”
“We’ll make sure Philip sleeps and eats and takes the occasional photograph”, Helen says.
“We’ll even take him out for Chinese so he gets some air,” Gabe adds.
“Thanks guys,” Philip rolls his eyes.
“Yes please take care of my boyfriend,” Lukas nods, then looks at Philip with a grin. “He just can’t function without me.”
That lands him a smack on the arm. “Yeah right,” Philip snorts.
“Okay, you two should go in,” Helen says while Lukas rubs his arm with more whining than necessary. “Philip, we’ll be at the parking lot. Give us a ring when you are coming out, we’ll get to the exit.”
Philip has never been to the JFK and for one disorienting moment the vastness of it astounds them both. They find Lukas and his dad’s flight on the departures screen and head towards the terminal. Lukas gets overly excited about the moving walkways and insists they take each one. Bo finds them fifteen minutes later and hands Lukas his ticket and takes his suitcase.
“I’ll hand in your luggage. Don’t be late,” Bo tells his son and Philip is grateful to him for leaving them alone before Lukas has to go through departure terminal security.
They stand there fifty feet away from the queues and next to a Hudson’s store and stare at each other.
Philip holds Lukas’ hand as the blue from Hudson’s sign tints his cheeks.
Lukas looks around them like he is trapped, looks down at their hands, squeezes tight and mutters through tight lips, “I hate this.”
“It’s okay. It’ll be alright.”
“I never wanna say goodbye to you. This is so stupid.”
“We are not saying ‘goodbye’, just ‘see you soon’. You wanted this race for so long, Lukas. It’s everything you’ve dreamed of.”
“Not anymore.”
At Lukas’ steady gaze, Philip feels the air in his lungs get trapped somewhere in his lungs, the following ache throbs through every lining of his heart and rocks a shiver down his spine. Hundreds of people move around them in the hum of suitcases pulled, constant static of talking, flight announcements coming in too quick a succession for anyone to keep track of. Philip takes a step forward and wraps both his arms around Lukas’ neck as if the searing tear on his heart can only be patched with the warmth of him.
“Idiot,” he tells him, trying to keep his voice from breaking. “I’m not a dream. I’m already yours. Everything you want, I want as well. We’ll make it together.” He pulls away just enough to find the blue of his eyes. They are misted, eyebrows furrowed. Philip’s composure barely hangs on by a thread. “This is still a part of your dream,” he tells him. “You can have them both. I’ll be here.”
Only a breath’s space between their faces and Lukas’ heavy hold around his waist pulls him in. They kiss in a way they couldn’t in the car, less a quick peck on the lips and more a surge of heat and longing yet experienced; something that echoes the traces of last night still tingling on their skin. For one listless moment Philip is back in Lukas’ bed with Lukas’ hands splayed across his spine, and Lukas’ lips burning onto his throat, drowning in the feel of each other pressed so close with Lukas sitting on his bed and Philip straddling him. A quiet little sound rises in his throat and Lukas cups his cheeks, pressing forehead against forehead.
“If you get scared, have a bad dream or even just a stomach ache, you call me.”
“I always have a stomach ache when I think about you,” Philip smiles despite the lump in his throat.
Lukas nuzzles the tip of his nose against his.
“Me too. But you know what I mean,” he looks into his eyes. “Philip, promise me.”
Philip runs his fingers down the nape of his neck, holds a handful of his hair lightly. He closes his eyes, breathes him in.
“If it gets bad, I’ll call you.”
“You promised I’d be the water.”
“Yeah. You are.”
“Doesn’t matter when, okay?”
“Okay.”
They kiss again. Softer. Tender like the kisses Lukas leaves on the curve of his shoulder when Philip swims in the balmy haze of Lukas’ aftermath.
“Tell me you’ll do the same. Call me if you have a bad dream,” Philip mutters against his lips.
“I won’t have any. You know I can’t sleep without you.”
“Try? For me?”
Lukas sighs. Runs his thumb along Philip’s bottom lip. “I’ll do anything for you.”
Philip buries his face in his neck. “I’ll sleep with your hoodie every night,” he mutters against his throat.
“It’s 80 degrees,” Lukas returns, Philp can feel him smiling into his hair.
“I don’t care.”
Attention please, American Airlines flight AA133 bound for Los Angeles has now begun boarding at Terminal 8, Gate 7-
“Ugh no,” Lukas holds him tighter.
“Your dad told you not to be late,” Philip says while filling his lungs with the smell of him, as if the depth he draws him in will keep Lukas beside him longer.
“I am not very good at doing what my dad says,” Lukas grumbles and Philip laughs despite the situation.
“I’ll be right here when you come back in a week.”
“I’ll bring you gold.”
“Good. But even if you don’t, I’ll still be here to remind you that you have to take the finals anyway.”
“Wow thanks, Philip. That really cheers me up.”
“Anytime, baby.”
Lukas touches his face, fingers gentle, he traces down his cheek and moves them feather-light across his jawline. His hands come to stop on either side of his neck as he stares into his eyes.
“I love you,” Lukas says and his voice is bare, naked down to the bottom of his soul.
“I love you too, Lukas,” he tells him and the ceaseless white noise of the airport tucks them in its tide. Philip’s heartbeat throbs loud in his ear as they kiss again. It’s quiet in a loaded way, the need for him thrumming along the pulse in Philip’s bloodstream. It’s also desperate in a way that tries to carve itself in the moment, making them both shake against the other. Lukas kisses him over and over again before tucking him against his chest so close, parting from him feels like skinning himself raw. Where his skin touched his catches on the air that blows into him like he is nothing but the ache of cavities pounding hollow inside him. When Lukas drops his hand and slips into the queue and goes through security, Philip watches him from behind the blue cordon. He watches him be asked to go through the metal detector twice and then collect his things from the baggage scanner before circling around the conveyors and standing on the other side of the glass separating them. Lukas reaches with a hand and draws a heart on the glass with a smile on his lips and Philip can’t help the sound that escapes him, half a chuckle, half a sob, threatening to shatter what’s left of his composure. His throat throbs with each breath.
A second announcement for Lukas’ flight resounds above their heads and Lukas pulls out his phone to text him from the other side of the glass.
- Don’t cry till I’m back.
- No promises.
- I can’t leave if you cry. I’ll jump over security and get arrested.
- Oh my God Lukas, you’re not getting arrested. Your dad’s gonna be pissed though. Go!
- Don’t cry.
- Okay. I won’t. Not until you are back.
- And then you can only cry cus you are happy and I won the race and you have an awesome boyfriend.
- Deal.
- I’ll see you every time I close my eyes.
- Me too.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
Go.
Lukas disappears around the corner and Philip stands there for another two minutes before he can trust himself to move and manage not to cry at the same time. He texts Gabe and heads for the exit and he doesn’t even realize how he finds it when it had taken them so long to get to terminal 8 in the first place. Helen’s jeep waits for him by the curb and Gabe is leaning against the passenger door, hands in his pocket. Philip walks over to him and can’t quite bring himself to meet his eyes and barely mutters a ‘let’s go’. Gabe places a hand on his shoulder and then pulls him into a hug and Philip feels his final defenses falling one by one within three beats of his heart.
Gabe rubs his back as he cries and never makes him feel like an idiot for being so upset over one week without Lukas. He and Helen, of all people, know exactly what Philip and Lukas have been for each other for more than a year, beyond the romance of it, beyond the humor and jokes and the whims that got them grounded. How they have held each other up, wrapped themselves around the other through the darkest of nights and became anchors for one another when the weight of last year threatened to swallow them whole. Philip had no idea how deeply he had etched Lukas into the foundations of his being and how missing him had transformed from what it was when he used to watch him across the hallway, feeling the pang of his distance and had become something as vast as the sky he stood under.
- I know you are crying cus I’m crying too but I just want you to know this. There were puppy postcards on a counter at one of the duty free shops and this girl waiting at the gate was listening to Troye Sivan and the pattern on the seats are the same they use at the movie theater in Kingston where you fell asleep on my shoulder and when I look out the window the clouds move towards where you are and there isn’t anything in my life that isn’t about you anymore and you are in my hands and behind my eyes and in my every thought, you are in my fricking soul. I take you with me wherever I go. You are a part of me and you live inside me. Don’t be sad Philip because I don’t know a lot of things but I know this because you taught me. What I feel when you hold my hand, what I feel when you put your head on my back when we ride on my bike and when there is a lot of people around us laughing at stupid shit and I see you looking at me and smile… you are home Philip. You are my home and I will always come back to you.