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' I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!! YOU. DON'T. CHANGE. YOUR. EXHIBITION. PROGRAMS. WITHOUT. INFORMING. ME!!!'
The end of the 2017 World Figure Skating Championships exhibition gala was marred with angry screams and shouts from Yakov, and he wasn't done yet, even when they were supposed to get ready for the evening banquet.
Because apparently, the entire Russian Skate Family (save for good, obedient Yuuri) had changed their exhibition routines into something more extra and outrageous without informing him or asking for permission.
Victor, who was supposed to be skating to a calm, modest program choreographed by Lilia, switched out the music in the last possible minute. He donned a straw hat, heart-shaped sunglasses and a ukelele over his shoulder, and serenaded Yuuri to 'Love Story' by Taylor Swift. Needless to say, Yuuri spent most of the time hiding under the officials' table because reporters were gleefully recording his reaction to 'such a heartfelt, honest declaration of love', as quoted by Buzzfeed.
Yurio was supposed to be skating to something else, because Yakov angrily deemed his Welcome to Madness routine as too 'rowdy' and 'inappropriate' after the GPF at Barcelona. But again, being the rebellious teenager he was, he completely ignored Yakov's orders and skated to this routine.
Mila got dressed in long black robe, wrapped her hair in a headscarf in a Baba Yaga fashion, and danced around to The Hut on Hen's Legs, while waving a broomstick over her head menacingly like a spear.
Georgi... Skated to ' I will always love you'. The music was great and all... But he was singing. More like screaming.
Their fans had a whale of a time watching these fun programs especially the Victuuri fan club, but Yakov wasn't that pleased, especially when he was done wrenching a red-faced Yuuri from under the table.
' CAN YOU ALL STOP BEING SO EXTRA FOR ONE SECOND?!' He boomed, glaring at his four students and breathing heavily like an angry rhinoceros.
The cleaners at the spectator stands were just staring down at the ice in confusion.
However, none of his students looked remotely repentant. Their expressions ranged from feigned innocence to shameless glee (in Victor's case). Yuuri just stood behind him, his face still lightly pink.
Yakov rubbed his temples, ' I swear to God!!! GEORGI!!! I TOLD YOU YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO SING IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR PROGRAM!!! IT'S A SKATING GALA, NOT A SINGING CONTEST!!! MILA!!! YOU DON'T WAVE YOUR BROOMSTICK IN MID-JUMP!!! YURA!!! I TOLD YOU MANY TIMES THAT YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SKATE THAT ROUTINE!!! HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN LISTENING?! AND YOU, VICTOR! CAN YOU STOP BEING SO EXTRA AND ROMANTIC FOR ONE SECOND?!!!!'
' I don't recall being romantic is illegal on the ISU rulebook,' Victor whined. ' I didn't break any rules! Yuuri, you liked the routine, да?'
Yuuri coughed.
' There, he likes it,' Victor beamed.
' I don't think singing is illegal, either,' Georgi said tearfully, smearing his makeup.
' I do whatever I want,' Yurio snarked.
' Yeah, the ISU allows props,' Mila quipped, adjusting her headscarf. ' Also the routine is a play on my last name.'
' Well said!' Victor added.
Yakov was ready to blast the four skaters into oblivion, when Lilia, who was listening to them from a short distance, smirked, ' Oho, Yakov. You finally understand how Coach Igor used to feel when he's shouting at you and your friends. How he managed to put up with you and your extra-ness. Tut, tut.'
The Russian Skate Family watched in astonishment as the redness on Yakov's face changed to a very interesting, blotchy shade of purple.
Yakov's voice became strained, ' I... I wasn't that extra! I-I'm not like him!'
' Oh, the pot calling the kettle black!' Lilia scoffed. ' You don't have the right to tell them off in the first place, because you were as extra as they are!'
Yakov actually flinched.
Georgi raised a hand nervously, ' Erm... What's going on?'
Yurio demanded loudly, ' Who's Coach Igor?'
Lilia raised an eyebrow, ' Oh? Yakov didn't tell you? Igor Boykov, his former coach.'
Victor said, ' Ohhhhh yeah! Yakov used to be a figure skater!!! Right, I forgot! I keep assuming he has always been a coach, because certainly a figure skater cannot be as grumpy as he is.'
' WHAT HOW DARE YOU-' Yakov thundered.
' I'll have to give him credit. Yakov was a good figure skater before he retired. Let's see... The 1968 Olympic silver medalist and 1972 Olympic gold medalist,' Lilia snapped her fingers.
' WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!' Yurio and Victor yelled.
' Lilia!!!' Yakov complained, absolutely mortified.
' That's not the entire point. You have never seen or heard about Yakov Feltsman's figure skating history?' Lilia questioned.
The Skate Family shook their heads confusingly.
' So I guessed,' Lilia sighed. ' Of course people will only remember Yakov Feltsman, the most decorated figure skating coach and not Yakov Feltsman, the most extra figure skater in human history!'
The entire situation was so bizarre, because Yakov looked like he was ready to throw himself out of a window.
' I used to wonder why Coach Igor was bald,' Lilia continued. ' Now I think I know why.'
' No way. No freaking way!' Victor placed a hand over his chest. ' Yakov can't be the most extra figure skater in human history! I am the most extra figure skater in human history!!! Look!' As if to prove his point, he strummed his ukelele.
' Oh, this is nothing,' Lilia waved him off impatiently. ' He did the exact same thing at World 1970, I think. Serenading me while skating.'
The self-proclaimed Master of Extra blanched in horror and was ready to faint. Yuuri caught him.
Yakov wilted into the wall.
' OH MY GOD AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!' Yurio roared with laughter, pointing shakily at Yakov. ' HIM. SERENADING LILIA. AHAHAHAHA THIS IS GOLD!!!!!!!'
' I think the 1972 World exhibition was the best one yet,' Lilia said.
' WHAT HAPPENED?' Mila grinned.
' YOU MUST TELL US WHAT HAPPENED!!!' Yurio yelled excitedly, very much enjoying Yakov's humiliation.
' NOOOOOO, LILIA!!!' Yakov jumped (all the skaters jumped as well). ' YOU CANNOT TELL THEM THAT!!! T-THEY CANNOT KNOW!!!'
They had never seen their usually in-control and angry coach so flustered and horrified.
' Oh, nonsense. It was the funniest thing to ever happen,' Lilia gave them a rare smile. ' You know what, all of you remind me of Yakov's former rinkamates... Let's see...'
***
1972 World Figure Skating Championships: Calgary, Canada
70 year old coach Igor Boykov was considering retirement after this season. He really needed a good, long vacation at somewhere quiet, because his skaters were currently driving him crazy by acting inappropriately at the start of the World Championships.
His best student and reigning men's world champion, Yakov Feltsman, was currently trying to look for his sweetheart (ahem) in the crowds. He knew the boy would become insufferable after he began dating. Not that he didn't like Lilia Baranovskaya, probably the youngest ever prima ballerina at the Bolshoi Ballet and a lady of elegance and sophistication. Igor was very fond of her and it remained a mystery how an airhead like Yakov managed to woo such a lady. And how she managed to put up with Yakov's sappy declarations for so many years was purely anyone's guess.
But a Yakov that was in love was so intolerable.
Igor didn't believe in romance. There was a reason why he had sworn off romantic relationships, because his ex-coach had a rocky relationship with her ex-husband, as well as the ex-coach of his ex-coach and he could really go on forever. It seemed like his lineage of coaches always had failed relationships and that usually ended up with divorce.
Depressing? Yes. Coaches could never have relationships. The hard times on the ice rink had moulded him into a cold, unromantic person.
Igor had told Yakov many times, but he doubted he would listen.
And frankly, he thought Yakov would end up the same way as his ex-coach and the ex-coach of his ex-coach, but he would never ever say that in front of him because he wouldn't want Yakov to hit him.
His other student and reigning ladies' world champion, Alina Tarasovna, was even more worrying. She was currently walking around and lifting a young boy over her head with well practiced ease.
The said boy was his new student, Yulian Polyakov, fresh out of his Juniors and hungry for success. The boy was extremely talented, but he swore like a sailor. While he was lifted into the air, he furiously threw curses at Alina, and the Ladies' champion was seemingly unfazed by his rude behaviour.
His other student, Alexei Nikolaev, just couldn't stop crying. Right! His girlfriend might have dumped him for a muscular guy, but that didn't mean he had to sob throughout the competition!
' STOP IT, ALL OF YOU!!!' He yelled. ' THIS IS THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS, PEOPLE, SO ACT APPROPRIATELY. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE LAUGHING STOCK OF THE WORLD, DO YOU?! AND THE SKATING FEDERATION WILL BE HAVING MY HEAD!'
Yakov sighed dreamily, ' I can see Lilia over there. Isn't she beautiful? I can't believe she actually ditched the Bolshoi Ballet to watch the Championships. Now this is true love, people. Look! People! That's my Lilechka, isn't she beautiful?'
A bunch of Canadian athletes nearby stared at Yakov as if he had lost his mind.
' YAKOV!!! YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL PEOPLE ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!!' Igor fumed.
Yulian bellowed, ' PUT ME DOWN!!! CAN YOU HEAR ME?' Plus a stream of curses.
Alina grinned, ' Nope!'
Alexei let out a pitiful wail, and the nearby Japanese team jumped in surprise.
Igor clasped his hands together, praying that his students could behave in the rest of the event.
***
The World Championships went by, and Igor was showered in achievements.
Yakov and Alina won gold in the singles events, while Alexei barely scraped a bronze. Yulian wasn't that pleased with his fifth place, but seeing that it was his first World Championships, it was pretty good already.
All of his students politely accepted their medals and behaved in front of important officials and reporters.
Yakov stopped waxing poetry about how much he loved Lilia.
Alina didn't lift Yulian above her head.
And Yulian only swore once or twice.
Alexei seemed to have forgotten about his ex-girlfriend.
Igor almost forgot about how angry and desperate he was supposed to be, because everything was so normal.
Right until the gala exhibition.
All four of them were invited to the exhibition, so he picked out classical pieces for them and choreographed them.
Yakov might have asked Lilia for some ideas, because she was pretty good at choreographing, even though she couldn't skate.
He stood next to Lilia at the side of the rink while the other skaters were performing on the ice. She was dressed elegantly, as usual, and her eyes were sparkling.
Alina, Yulian and Alexei skated their programs obediently, and the audience clapped for them.
At last, it was the gold medalist's time to skate and the entire rink was buzzing with excitement.
The lights switched off. And turned on again.
To Igor's horror, Yakov had ditched his skate costume. He was actually shirtless. Oh god.
The audience screamed.
Lilia was also staring at her boyfriend with disbelief, her mouth forming an 'O'.
The next few minutes were just a blur in Igor's eyes, because he felt like he was going to faint any moment. Yakov had somehow switched out the music without telling him into some kind of a love song. Everyone was getting pretty fired up and he could tell that they liked his performance.
At the end of the routine, he turned towards them (he might have fainted on top of Lilia), and beamed, ' HEY, LILIA!!!'
Instantaneously, everyone looked at them.
' Oh, my god,' Lilia's face was tomato red. ' Coach Igor, please cover me so I can hide.'
Igor was unable to respond.
Yakov skated towards her, and held out a ring (no idea where he hid that), ' LILECHKA, I'VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH YOU EVER SINCE I SAW YOU DANCE IN MOSCOW. YOU ARE THE RIGHT ONE FOR ME!!! I LOVE YOU!!! MARRY ME, LILIA!'
Igor collapsed.
Lilia looked like she was going to punch Yakov in the face any second now.
' EWWWWW!!!' Yulian, who had changed back into his usual tracksuit, screamed.
' AWWWW!!!!!!!' Alina squealed.
' WAHHHHHH!!!' Alexei wailed.
Long story short, it was a mess.
***
' OHHHHH!!! THAT WAS YOU?!!!!' Victor screamed. ' THEY'VE BEEN TELLING ME THAT A SKATER PROPOSED TO HIS SWEETHEART AT ONE OF THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS, BUT THEY NEVER TOLD ME WHO THAT WAS!!! THIS IS PURE GOLD!!!!! WHERE ARE THE VIDEOS? GIMME THE VIDEOS!' Yurio, Mila and Georgi were just rolling around on the ice laughing their heads off. Yuuri covered his mouth with a hand, his shoulders were shaking with inward laugh.
Yakov's facial expression was a wonderful mixture of horror, shame, disgust, anger and embarrassment, and his entire body was trembling as his humiliating life story was brought to the light and in front of his troublesome students.
Lilia seemed to be grinning from ear to ear.
Yurio wheezed, ' THIS IS EXCELLENT BLACKMAIL MATERIAL.'
Yakov regained his composure to yell at him, ' DON'T YOU DARE!!! I AM WARNING YOU.' His ears were red.
Mila's eyes were brimming with tears of laughter, but she held up a hand, ' Wait a sec. So the ex-coach of Yakov, the ex-coach of the ex-coach of Yakov and the ex-coach of the ex-coach of the ex-coach of Yakov got divorced?'
' Erm, half correct, actually,' Lilia blinked. ' Coach Igor never got married. I think his coach told him to stay away from relationships from day one and he listened to her. As for Coach Elizaveta, who used to be Igor's coach... Hm... They were so in love at the time. But I think she argued with her husband everyday afterwards and eventually got a divorce. Same thing happened to us.' Yuuri found it a little peculiar that she could be discussing her failed love life that easily.
' Waittttttt... So everyone gets divorced!!!' Mila shouted, pointing at Victor. ' What is going to happen to them???'
' What?' Victor raised an eyebrow.
' You are going to take up coaching after Yakov, right? So Yakov will become your ex-coach, and if we are looking at the entire lineage...' Mila said.
' OH!!! OH!!!' Victor screamed in realisation and seized Yuuri. ' NOOOOOO!!! YUURI!!! WE CAN'T GET DIVORCED!!!! THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!!!!'
' Erm...' Yuuri said awkwardly. ' Technically, we aren't married yet... so we can't get divorced- hey, stop it!'
Lilia smiled, ' Nothing is going to happen, Nikiforov. You are lucky Yuuri tolerates your crazy antics. I, however, didn't like theatrics that much. Didn't work out for me. And I don't think you will ever get tired of being extra. Coaching won't take that out of you.'
Victor beamed at her.
Yakov deflated.
Yurio gagged, ' I can't picture it. A shirtless Yakov? What the hell?!!!'
' STOPPP DON'T EVEN BRING THIS UP!!!!!!!!!!'
Lilia snapped her fingers, ' Ah!!! Does anyone want to see the videos? I think I have them. You simply cannot miss the Winter Olympics one.'
' NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LILIA, STOP!!!'