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It should have been a normal day. The sun was shining hot over your head, and you’d gone out to Malasadas with Hau more times than you could count. You had not been expecting what you saw when you walked into the Hau’oli Malasada shop, though. You scanned the shop to find a table when you saw… sweet merciful Lunala! The man had ditched his usual getup, but you’d recognise that mop of white hair anywhere.
What was Guzma, former leader of Team Skull, doing here?
You spy him ordering and it takes all your willpower to not take out your pokemon. There’s no way that this guy was gonna ruin some prime malasadas, okay? Hau, with his ever present smile, seems oblivious to it.
“What kind are you getting this time?” he asked you, and you shook your head.
“If I tell you, you’re not gonna try and pay for me again, are you?”
“I would never!”
“Alright. I’ll have one spicy malasada. And make it quick, so I can get outta here before you-know-who notices me.”
This perks Hau up. He leans towards you while the line moves and whispers against your ear. “Your girlfriend’s here?”
“He’s not my girlfriend!” you shout, flustered, and suddenly all eyes are on you. Including his, and he looks just as uncomfortable to see you there as you are to see him. He averts his eyes but not before Hau can spot him.
Guzma lets out a laugh in that deep, annoyingly sexy voice of his, before speaking.
“Well, if it isn’t Hau and Reyna! Haven’t seen you two in a while.”
There’s a lot you can do. You’re the champion, you can cook a mean instant ramen, but what you can’t do is reel in your temper.
“That’s not my name.” Hau crosses his arms in front of his chest in a huff. “It’s Hau the Third, King of Melemele, lord of all things Malasada. You will show me respect in my realm.”
“What way is that to talk to your boy, Hau? I am challenging you to an eating contest for title of Malordsada, and you have got to accept! I’m consumption in human form!”
“Fine, then.” Hau responds after a period of silence. “We’ll have an eat-off. Whoever eats 1 trillion malasadas first wins.”
It takes all of your restraint not to yell eat me! Because, if you’re being honest with yourself, Hau and Guzma are both very attractive men. You really need to stop yourself and focus on the whole eating contest thing that’s going on. Your biggest hope is that none of it comes out of your pocket.
You start by paying attention to the terms but by the thirty eighth rule (raichus can’t help at all...really), your stomach grumbles.The line is looking pretty empty right now.
Hau walks straight up to the counter with that hot swagger he always gets when Malasadas are involved and leans against it with a smirk. “I’ll take one trillion… and one Malasadas,” he says, winking at the man across the counter, who honestly just looks really put off by such a ridiculous order.
“Uh, yeah, one trillion and one Malasadas, coming right up,” he said, rolling his eyes.
Suddenly, there was a crash. A loud, violent crash, the sound of a door flung wide open by someone uncaring of the poor hinges, ignorant to their plight, and that someone tossed her hair dismissively at the sight inside, pink and yellow pigtails dancing in the doorway.
“Nicholas James Guzma,” said Plumeria in a shrill voice, “what have I told you about eating a trillion and one malasadas with your dietary requirements?”
“Shit,” Guzma mumbled under his breath. “Well, y’know what? I don’t care, I already got tha’ challenge out there, and Hau’s takin’ it, and you can’t stop me!”
Plumeria sighed and said, “God, you’re an idiot.”
“Aw, c’mon, have a little faith in your boy Guzma,” said Guzma as he turned to the man behind the counter. “Hurry up with those malasadas!”
The man just stared around at them all, flabbergasted, before finally replying “we don’t have that many malasadas.”
Hau and Guzma slam the counter in unison. The man doesn’t flinch, just gives them the retail dead-eyed stare.
“You don’t understand! I must have the Malasadas so I can prove my long-lost brother is no true master of Malasada!”
A stunned silence fell across the room, broken only by the sound of Plumeria softly whispering to herself; “I fucking knew it”.
More silence.
“What the fuck is even happening?” you ask. The man working at the counter shrugged. “I mean, the most we have left is 20 malasadas, so if you can work with that…”
“That’s pathetic!” shouted Guzma, while Hau nodded fervently beside him. Guzma snatched a pokeball from his pocket and threw it into the air, releasing a very tall and very hungry Golisopod. Guzma pointed at the man behind the counter and threatened, “You will hand over all your malasadas and malasada ingredients now unless you want to be my Golisopod’s dinner.”
The man at the counter sighs and says, “I work in fast food, do you really think I wouldn’t be okay with that?” This comment sends a sharp silence throughout the restaurant, as if this comment was more outrageous than asking for one trillion and one malasadas. Guzma, not expecting a response like this, recalled his Golisopod, mumbling something about it being a vegetarian.
Hau’s face practically wilts in disappointment. Even the flowers decorating his shorts seem to have faded, their petals drooping as Hau’s posture slumps. You wonder if this would be a good time to tell your friend that you just got a text from Gladion asking if malasadas were easy to make and in no way is this related to anyone he knows, especially not tanned boys with ponytails and perpetual smiles.
You silently send an SOS text to Gladion, praying that somehow that’s gonna help. This was turning out a bigger hassle than Po town and you just want to eat. With a shake of your head you stride forward to the counter.
Before you can get there, Plumeria sighs and says, “I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but the malasada shop in Malie is having a sale today.”
“Why didn’t you say so before? C’mon gang, we’re leaving!” As Guzma stomps out of the shop, Hau grabs your arm and, ignoring your protests that you’d really rather just eat malasada here, drags you after them.
At the Mailesada shop, you and Hau are horrified to find it in a state of ruin, the workers in a frenzy at Guzma’s ridiculous order. “I’m sorry, sir, but your order of one trillion and one malasada will take about…” the clerk checks his watch, and states “ninety-four years to fill.” Upon entering, Hau pridefully declares his order of one trillion and two malasada, determined to one-up Guzma.
The two are attempting to outbid each other auction-style when the thunderbolt hits. That is, if a huge dog-like chimera’s bounding, sudden tackle-hug can be considered a thunderbolt. If so, Hau is most certainly a Ground-type, managing to stay upright as he (attempts to) hug conflict momentarily forgotten as he actually attempts to lick the Normal-type back, much to its confusion. Silvally.
“Hey, boy, what are you doing here?” he asked, dodging the Silvally’s beak and running a hand through its thick fur. It roared like a lion into his ear, and he laughed as if it didn’t hurt at all, but his wince said otherwise. “Wait, if you’re here, that must mean… Gladion?”
And not a second later, you could feel a change in the atmosphere, a certain pressure bearing on all of you. No, you are strong. You can defeat the upcoming edginess. It turns out that the coming edge was not truly a premonition of what was to come. Upon entering the mailesada shop, Gladion pulled out two spatulas and charged into the kitchen yelling “MALASADAAAAAA!” At this point, you feel like the only sane person in the whole region.
“Gladion, you feeling alright, bud?” you ask as you walk back to the kitchen, hesitant, because you’re not sure if this new version is better or worse than the edgelord one was.
As soon as you make eye contact, he glares at you, seething with that special brand of Gladion Teen Angst™. “I’m trying to stay in-character, so shut up.”
YOu grab him by the shoulders. “Please stop those two dumbasses from eating the shop.” YOu gesture with a jab of you chin at the duo, now playing with Silvally. Wait, them playing with Silvally gives you a plan. You take out a squeaky skitty toy, Silvally’s favorite, and slowly lead it out of the shop. Hau and Guzma, completely engrossed in the chimera, follow it out of the shop. You just keep walking backwards and backwards and backwards, doing your best not to bump into people but not being entirely successful.
The Silvally looks about two seconds from ripping your throat out for that fucking skitty, so you decide to play it safe and chuck it into the nearby grass. It dives in, frolicking to the skitty, when all of a sudden a shiny trubbish appears!!!!!!
You excited shout brings minimal attention as she clap your cheeks. This is your chance! Why bother with shiny hunting when the greatest treasure was right in front of you, smelling the place up with the scent of victory. The blue bag looks at you with blank eyes, oblivious to the dog… fish… thing ripping the toy skitty behind it to shreds. You quickly catch it in a premier ball, and want to brag about it to Hau and Guzma because god damnit it is a shiny. Strangely, they are nowhere at all to be found.
You shrug it off. Probably out doing something shippy or something, as usual. Maybe Lillie would be interested???? You sigh when you think of Lillie, but the thought of shipping Hau and Guzma together kills whatever fancy thought you had. Uggh. You never knew so you might as well search for them if they haven’t eaten the island or something. It has been twenty minutes since Lillie left for Kanto, and everything’s already gone to shit. Maybe she was the one thing holding everything together.
You hear someone scream back at the Mailesada shop, so you should probably head back and make sure Hau and Guzma don’t accidentally rob the place. As it turned out, it was Gladion, who had just spotted Hau and Guzma on top of one another, having “accidentally” tripped on their way back in the shop.
Guzma blushed, looking up at Hau. “C-can you get off already?”
“I'm trying, I'm trying; geez, you don't have to be so clumsy…” Hau, oblivious to Guzma’s ulterior motives, finally pulls himself to his feet and swivels to face the cacophony. “Gladion, is this another one of those weird things I seem to do that makes your face turn pink?”
“That’s called a sunburn, idiot,” Gladion mutters and you notice that the sun’s pretty strong today. That’s why you’re wearing a jacket. You pinch the bridge of your nose.
You, who had gotten sick of watching this disgustingly sappy display from afar, had had enough. “Oh my GOD, just kiss already!” you exclaim, burying your face in your hands. Guzma shrugs and leans in for the kiss with Hau.
Gladion visibly shakes; once, twice, you watch his eye twitch and wonder if he will break his tsundere façade and admit his feelings…but unfortunately for you, Gladion, and Guzma, Silvally decides to take matters into its own hands.
The great chimera lifts Hau by the scruff of his Skitty-print (goddamnit, really?!) tee and bounds away, leaving a slack-jawed Gladion and a pursed-lip Guzma frozen in place; as Hau’s surprised screams echo through the air, the former Team Skull whirls around to face his ex-subordinate.
“Goddamnit, I really thought this act would get you to crack and admit your fucking feelings for him!” Guzma exclaims in utmost frustration, suspiciously emphasizing the fucking.
Puffing your cheeks, you step forward, not wanting to be upstaged by the lovefest going on while silently cheering for it because took ‘em long enough; you’ll have to hide the guzma/hau doujin when you get home.
“Hey, I caught a shiny trash!” You brandish the pokeball at the display.