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Sportacus walked up to the door of the building. He took in a breath to calm himself. Normally he didn’t associate with other adults, but seeing as how his only friends were children it was probably time to change that. Not that he didn’t like the children, they were great. Just that having a group of 12-year-olds as friends could be a little off-putting when you step back to think about it. It was actually Stephanie’s idea, really.
Why don’t you join a soccer team? You really like sports. Or a book club. You love reading.
Soccer sounded fun, but being on a team with adults had its drawbacks. The competition, the aggression, the injuries, the shirtless, sweaty men…
Which was why Sportacus chose the book club instead. People talking about books and talking to each other. Something more in his comfort zone. He looked at the book in his hand and sighed. He put it in his backpack and started to head back home when he spotted a familiar set of sideburns sitting in a chair through the window. Was that…
He walked through the doors and sat by the curly-haired man with the familiar prominent chin.
Robbie noticed Sportacus and let out a screech, almost jumping out of his chair, causing Sportacus to jerk back in surprise. Robbie clenched his chest, catching his breath. “What do you want?”
“Sorry. I wanted to say hi.”
Truth be told, it just made him more comfortable to be sitting next to someone he actually knew. Robbie waved his hand as if brushing off that comment and shooing it away. “Fine, fine. Hi.”
Of course. Even when he was doing something for himself, he couldn’t get away from Sportaflop. Why was he even sitting next to him? He was in disguise so this very thing would be avoided. And why was he still wearing that ridiculous uniform? At least Robbie knew how to attend clubs in style. His fancy plum-colored coat paired with a black dress shirt and matching square glasses. Dark purple slacks and black shoes. Even his best wig; it was his curliest one yet. He looked like he belonged on a magazine and yet Sporta-fashion disaster couldn’t even be bothered to put on a coat. Typical.
The one day he decided to do something social, Sportacus comes and ruins it by socializing with him and being an eye-sore. It made him want to throw a sewing machine at his face. Hard.
Sportacus cracked a smile. This was either some very elaborate ruse to get him out of town or Robbie’s peculiar way to enjoy a hobby. He’d seen that fancy coat far too many times to not recognize it as Robbie’s own. Robbie didn’t seem too happy to see him, so he definitely wasn’t planning on seeing him. Not a scheme.
Maybe he’d let Robbie think he didn’t recognize him just to let him relax a little more. And maybe he’d actually have a nice conversation with him. Without the sugar apples and killer robots.
He held out his hand. “I’m Sportacus.”
Robbie flinched at the sudden movement and realized it was just a handshake. He slowly shook the hand and cringed at the bone-crushing grip of the man who never seemed to realize how strong he was. He yanked his hand away and tried to shake off the pain. “Yeah, yeah.”
“And you are?”
Robbie paused. He hadn’t really thought of a name for his disguise. “Alf.” He blurted.
“Alf?”
“Your name is Sportacus. Compared to that, my name is the best name in the universe.”
Sportacus laughed and raised his eyebrows in defeat as if to say “you got me there” and looked over the disguise. “It’s nice to meet you. Alf.”
Robbie moved his hands away from him to avoid any future handshakes and eyed him carefully. “What are you even doing here?”
“What?”
“I mean…you look like the type of guy who’d rather spend his time flippity flopping around and playing sports instead of reading.”
Nice save, Robbie. Totally inconspicuous. Sportacus thought, biting the bottom of his lip, hiding a laugh. “Well, normally, yes. But I love reading, too.”
“More than sports?” Robbie sounded almost surprised.
Sportacus gave an inconclusive shrug. “They both have their pros and cons.”
Robbie broke character to scoff in disbelief. As if Sportacus would actually think there was a negative side to sports. Sportacus looked at him, raising an eyebrow.
“You actually think there are cons to sports?”
“Well of course. There are cons to everything. Don’t you think there are cons to sports?”
“Of course I do. Sports are boring. They make you hot and sweaty and the only thing you get out of it is trophies and ribbons.”
“But aren’t trophies and ribbons fun to earn?”
“No. They’re fun to get. When you earn something you put effort into it. And effort means work.”
“Ah.” Sportacus said, nodding. If Robbie was trying to be in disguise, he was doing a very poor job at doing it. Not that Sportacus was complaining. It was nice to have a conversation with him where he wasn’t trying to trick him into a hole or send him out of town forever. And he looked pretty good. Really good. Purple was definitely his color.
Robbie was just happy that he hadn’t been offered any “SportsCandy” as a “healthy snack” while they waited. Was Sportaflop just playing dumb or was he really fooled by this disguise? No way to tell. It almost looked like Sportacus was checking him out. Or he could have just been looking over the disguise to see what clothes he was reusing.
As if he had any room to be judging people on what they were wearing. Wait, backtrack. He’d sworn that Sportacus was checking him out. He eyed Sportacus, who was trying to discreetly look him over. When he realized he’d been spotted, he sat up straight and tried to put on a casual smile.
Maybe he didn’t recognize him, after all.
“Well, what are your cons of sports? You were named after them so there’s no way you hate something about them.” Robbie asked defiantly.
“My cons? Oh, well sports can get too aggressive and people can take them too seriously. They’re supposed to be fun. Then you have thousands of people, even billions getting upset over one team losing a game. Someone could be taken out of the game because of a serious injury and people could be complaining that their team didn’t make the shot.” He realized that Robbie was staring at his hands when his attention started diverting to his hands, which were making dramatic movements as he spoke. “Sorry.” He put them on his knees. “I talk with my hands sometimes. I like to move.”
Robbie blinked and looked back at Sportacus, realizing that he’d been looking at his hands and not him. “Hm? What? Oh. Whatever. Well, that all seems like you care very much about people’s safety and whatever.”
“I do.”
“So why don’t you go around the room and introduce yourself to everyone else and make sure that they’re safe? And leave me alone?”
Sportacus looked around at the room, suddenly realizing that it had filled up with a few more people. Twelve at the most. It was clear that the club meeting was about to start. Listening to other people talk about what they thought of the book and what they think the author meant when using a certain figure of speech. Talking in front of people about what you thought of the book. His heart skipped a beat and he bit his bottom lip in anticipation and picked at the pages of his book. “I…I didn’t mean to bother you. I just…I don’t really spend a lot of time with other people and I’m kind of nervous. Talking in front of people makes me feel a little anxious…I’ll be quiet.” He turned away from Robbie and looked down at the book, still picking at the edges of the pages. Well, at least Robbie wanted to talk to him for a little bit.
Robbie noticed the sudden shift in behavior and darted his eyes around the room uncomfortably. Great. He’d hurt his feelings. Just what he needed. Two whole hours of the blue kangaroo feeling bad about himself and hiding in a corner while he did all the socializing. What was this, opposite day!? Robbie groaned and was about to do more lamenting when he heard rapid tapping. He looked over and saw Sportacus shaking his leg and gently smacking the cover of the book absentmindedly.
Robbie’s nose twitched out of irritation. Whether it was at the irritation of the noise or at how freaking adorable Sportakook looked, he wasn’t sure and didn’t really want to think about it. He grabbed Sportacus’ wrists, getting him to stop. “Oh, sorry. Was I bothering you?”
“No. I just grabbed your wrists to get you to stop because I was enjoying the sounds of a grown man beating a book up.”
“Right…sorry…I just…like to move. It’s hard for me to sit still.”
“So you chose to come to a book club. Where you have to sit still for multiple hours in a single spot. And people say I’m dumb.”
Sportacus shrugged, admitting it did sound stupid. “Well it wasn’t my first choice. But my first choice didn’t really work out that well.”
“What was your first choice? A sports team?” Robbie asked in a mocking voice. To be honest, he did expect Sportacus to say yes. But Sportacus shook his head no.
“No. Too competitive.”
“Oh.”
“My first choice was a gymnasium. Where I could just exercise and have fun with people my own age. Basketball, indoor soccer, indoor Frisbee. All sorts of fun stuff. But it didn’t really work the way I’d hoped.”
“How?”
Sportacus looked at his knees and smiled a little, feeling his face turn red with embarrassment. “Well, there were a lot of distractions. I couldn’t really focus on my exercises.”
“What kind of distractions?” He didn’t think anything could distract Sportacus from sports. That was probably the most unexpected thing he could learn about him.
“It’s not important.” Sportacus quickly looked at his feet, feeling more embarrassed. He cleared his throat and motioned to the book. “So, what did you think of it?”
Robbie looked at him, caught off guard. He hadn’t really prepared his answer yet and didn’t expect to be asked yet. Let alone, asked by him. “Well…I’m not much of a reader. But I enjoyed it. The plot was riveting and the way you can really feel the author’s connection to the character really jumped out to me because there was just…such a way that you could tell that they poured their heart into their work. Every character was so real and you could feel what they were feeling. It’s not often you find a story that really grips you like that.”
Sportacus smiled. He’d never really heard Robbie speak so passionately and enthusiastically about anything. Probably because he’d never really talked to him. Not for lack of trying. He’d never been given the chance to talk to him. The children always wanted to play or someone needed to be saved or Robbie was trying to send him out of town or he just shut himself up in his lair. It was nice hearing Robbie speak. Speak genuinely. Not gagging about SportsCandy or being overly dramatic about something. Just being…Robbie. He sat up straight, listening to him continue to talk.
Talk about the book. Talk about how he could read it all day and night. Talk about how it had inspired him to try writing his own novel. He could have talked all day and Sportacus could have listened all day. It was so nice listening to him. He’d never heard Robbie talk this much or seen him this happy. He was even smiling. Sportacus never noticed how his teeth stuck out when he smiled wide enough. They were so crooked. He loved it. Robbie just being so expressive and not caring about what anyone might think of him.
Robbie didn’t know what came over him, but he actually found that he liked talking to Sportacus. He was so interested in everything he had to say. It was…nice having someone listening to him. Of course Sportadweeb would listen to him about a stupid book. But he seemed genuinely intrigued in all of his critique. Robbie almost rolled his eyes, looking at Sportacus’ smile. It was too perfect. He was too perfect.
Everything about him was. It was annoying. He didn’t even know how he managed to put up with it for the past four years. It’s not like he could actually tell him that he liked him. He had a reputation to uphold. A reputation as the villain. He couldn’t let him know that he actually had feelings for him. He wasn’t supposed to like people. Let alone like the hero.
Then again, he wasn’t technically a villain at this moment in time. He was Alf, amateur book club member. At this point, he could do anything he wanted and there’d be no repercussions. There was no point in wasting this opportunity. When else would he get a chance like this?
He straightened his coat and cleared his throat. “So, is everyone in your town as pretty and charming as you are or are you just the standout?”
Sportacus’ eyebrows rose in shock.
That wasn’t how he expected this conversation to go.
Robbie’s stomach bubbled a little, seeing the speechlessness in Sportacus’ face. He’d managed to get him mouth agape, unable to respond properly. What Sportacus had meant to say was “I’m really only slightly-above-average-looking. Nothing too special to look at.”
What had come out was a series of noises that could only be described as croaks and what might have been a squeak followed by a meek attempt at the word “special.”
Oh God he broke him.
Was he too straightforward?
He was about to apologize to the blushing mess of a man choosing to hide his face in his book when there was a sharp “ahem!” from the front of the room.
Right, the thing that he’d worked up the courage to go to. While he was scanning his brain for any excuse he could come up with, his thought process was interrupted by his wrist being yanked, pulling him out of the chair and out the door.
Besides having his arm nearly yanked off, he was relieved to be out of there. Judging from the look on Sportacus’ face, he was too. He had a stupid grin on his face, smiling so wide that his dimples were getting dimples. Robbie almost audibly scoffed but opted to roll his eyes instead. “Why are you smiling? That was humiliating!”
“Well, it’s not every day an attractive stranger will disrupt a book club meeting just to tell you how attractive you are.” Sportacus finally spoke.
Robbie shrugged. It’s not like it was intentional. He was just flirting. At least Sportadweeb wasn’t mad about it. He actually seemed a little too happy to ditch the book club early and never come back.
“Well, not like I would have been able to concentrate, anyway. There are much more interesting things to be thinking about.”
Sportacus nodded in agreement, finally gathering his senses. “Definitely. Like how much I’d love to take you to lunch now that we have nothing to do.”
Oh. That was mildly unexpected. Robbie didn’t know where he’d planned on this going but a date wasn’t exactly on the list. Maybe just leaving him completely entranced by his charming good looks and let him think about him and how he’d never ever see this mysterious stranger ever again.
Yeah. That seemed more like what he hoped for.
A date was a little not his style but honestly, how was he going to say no to that face? It was too charming not to say yes to. Even if it meant spending all day with Sportacus.
Staring at him. With those big, aquamarine eyes just watching up at him. Like they were doing right now. Waiting patiently for him to answer. Patiently but eagerly. As if he knew he was already going to say yes. Of course he was going to. There was no denying it. Sportacus was still staring at him, waiting on an answer. Waiting for Robbie to say yes.
“Well it would be rude to turn down a date from you. After all you’ve been listening to me talk all day. It’d only be fair that I get to spend the rest of the day listening to you.”
In the weeks that followed, “Alf” and Sportacus saw more and more of each other. As much as he hated to admit it, Robbie actually enjoyed all of their conversations. Sportacus made for an interesting conversation partner when he wasn’t talking about sports. He surprisingly had a lot more interests than sports and exercise. Something Robbie never would have guessed.
They actually had a lot of mutual interests. Reading, puzzles, chess, they even liked the same kind of music. Robbie was particularly fond of their mutual interest in picnics. Being alone, just the two of them and a basket full of food. That was his favorite kind of date. Even though they were outside, their picnic dates were always enjoyable. It seemed to be the only time Sportacus would actually sit still for a long amount of time. Something about it made Robbie feel nice. That Sportacus chose to bottle up his energy just to spend all of his time with him.
But it wasn’t him. It was Alf. Sportacus liked Alf. He probably didn’t even have second thoughts about the weird, chubby dude who lived alone under the town in a bunker. He was too infatuated with the putz he’d met at the book club. It made Robbie’s gut turn a little, the thought of lying to Sportacus and basically playing with his heart and making him like someone who didn’t even exist.
Why did it make him feel so bad? He was the villain; he shouldn’t feel bad about this. So why did he? It’s not like Sportacus would like him back if he knew he was actually Robbie. He’d only tried to kick him out of town for the past four years.
And had poisoned him on more than one occasion.
And trapped him in holes.
And had impersonated him twice.
The list could go on.
Sportacus would never like him. Well, he did like him, but he only liked him because he thought he was someone else. If he found out that Robbie had been lying to him for nearly a month, he’d never talk to him again.
This horrible feeling was eating Robbie alive. He had been basically been pacing a rut into the floor of his lair for the past hour. If he told Sportacus the truth, he’d hate him, if he kept the secret, the guilt would just get worse and worse. What to do, what to do. Oh, what was he thinking? He’s a villain. Villains don’t care about other people. They’re selfish and mean. Besides, Sportacus always provided food so there was no downfall. He kept his secret, Sportacus remained oblivious, and Robbie kept getting free food.
There, problem solved. Robbie triumphantly plopped down into his chair with a victorious smile. Sportakook would never find out. He wouldn’t ever recognize Robbie in the disguise. It hadn’t failed him for three weeks. Which was rather surprising since he was always staring at him. Well, staring at his eyes. And talking about how much he loved spending time with him and how he loved hearing about his stories and always smiled at him.
Oh great, that bad feeling returned again.
Sportacus actually did like him. Why did he have to be so freaking sweet and perfect? It was disgusting, he hated it. Those stupid children made him compassionate. Stupid children. If it weren’t for them, he wouldn’t be having second thoughts about this.
“Nope!” he shouted to himself – since he was the only one there “I’m not telling him! That was my day to spend alone and he ruined it so now he’s stuck in a fake relationship with me forever, FOREVER! If he wanted a real boyfriend, he should have gotten one three weeks ago.” He crossed his arms. His mind was made. The secret remained a secret.
He nearly jumped out of his skin and yelped, hearing an alarm go off. Wherever it was, Robbie threw his phone at it and it turned off. His undeserved guilt couldn’t have come at a better time. One of their regularly-scheduled picnic dates was today. Still grumbling, he climbed up his chute to go meet his over-enthusiastic boy…man person he’d been seeing.
Climbing the hill was extremely exhausting. Robbie fell to the ground, face-first, admittedly enjoying the feel of the cool grass on his face. Grass was nice. He was never moving from this spot. He’d just tell Sportacus lying face-down. Too much effort to roll over.
He heard Sportacus sit next to him with a laugh. “Are you okay?” Robbie only replied with a grunt that Sportacus could only interpret as a “yes.” He set the basket down and offered him a water bottle. “Would you like something to drink?”
Robbie lifted his head. “Is it soda?”
“No.”
“Is it a high-fructose corn syrup drink?”
“No.”
“Does it have sugar in it?”
“No.”
“Is it-”
“It’s water.”
“Then no.”
Sportacus smiled a little and helped him sit up. “Alright. If you insist. I just don’t want you to get dehydrated.”
Robbie returned the smile. Not because he wanted to, but because he realized that Sportacus had worn the sweater that he’d made for him last week. He was tired of seeing him wear the same thing over and over again. Even though he wore it with the hat and made it look completely ridiculous. Maybe he’d make him a hat.
Wait, no he wouldn’t he was breaking up with him. Sort of.
“Alf? Are you listening to me?”
“Hm what? No. Not at all.”
“I said I’ve been enjoying the past few weeks with you.”
“Oh. Yes, I have, too. About that-”
“And we haven’t really put labels on each other yet.”
“…I thought you were called ‘Sportacus’, I don-”
“No, I mean we haven’t really called ourselves ‘boyfriend’ or ‘date-mate’ or if we wanted to be more serious.”
“Oh. Well…”
“I really like you. And I wanted to be more serious. Start seeing you more and, you know, just go on more than picnics together.”
Robbie froze. Sportacus really liked him. He knew he shouldn’t have given him that sweater. Sportacus just liked him so much that he actually wanted to date him. Like date-date. What kind of jerk had Robbie been? Wanting to lie to him and break his heart.
He threw himself at Sportacus’ waist, almost sobbing, throwing off the wig and glasses. “I’m so sorry. I’ve been lying to you this entire time. There never was any Alf. It was me the whole time. I only kept up this ridiculous charade because it was so nice having someone like me for me but you didn’t know it was me and it’s all been a lie I’m a terrible person and you’re so nice and sweet and perfect and I hate you because you’re so nice and sweet and perfect.”
Sportacus patted his back comfortingly, trying to get him to stop crying. When Sportacus didn’t say anything, Robbie looked up at him. “Why aren’t you saying anything? Get angry or sad or be in denial. Something!”
“So is that a yes?”