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“I met you in the dark,
You lit me up,
You made me feel as though,
I was enough,”
Spencer pushed the needle under his skin, his normal dose doesn’t do anything anymore, so he bumped it up slightly, testing the waters as some would say.
He easily pushed the plunger down, not having a care in the world as soon as it wouldn’t go any further. But that’s when the knock at his door came. He let his head lull back for a moment before trying to get to his feet, in the process stabbing his palm with the used syringe laying on the floor. He pulled it out carefully, and put it on his nightstand. Apparently, his bump in dosage hadn’t done much beyond a nicer high. He left his room, only to stumble and fall on something- the coffee table- and make a pained noise, even though he couldn’t feel the pain. More knocking.
Finally, someone was turning the doorknob, Spencer still easily twenty feet away from the door. Someone must have used their spare key. Meaning it was someone on his team. He was high. He couldn’t let them see him like this. He started to crawl his way back to the room but half way there someone wrapped their arms around his torso and pulled him up. His back was pressed against a large, strong, and nice smelling chest.
“Spencer, I’ve heard you rustling around for a good ten minutes, what are you doing?” The strong voice behind him asked. A coworker, which one? He wasn’t sure. Wait, did he say ten minutes? Spencer was sure he’d only been down for a half a minute.
“Spencer, answer me.” Hotch maybe. “Spencer, are you high?” All Spencer could do was nod to that question.
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Uhhh, lay down on your couch. Do not fall asleep. You understand me?” Spencer nodded again. But as soon as he was guided to his couch his eyes promptly closed, he was still very unaware of who was with him.
What felt like seconds later, someone was shaking him, begging him to wake up.
“Spence, please don’t make me call an ambulance,” Morgan. With that he opened his eyes. He was coming down slowly. “Thank god.” He felt a hand on his cheek, and a kiss to his temple. “I’m not going to let you do this to yourself Pretty Boy. Not anymore. Got it?” Again, all he could do was look at the hazy Morgan and nod. “Pretty Boy, I need you to get up and moving around. I need you less high than you are right now. Actually, let me get you a glass of water and some food. Stay where you are but here, let me sit you up.” Spencer felt himself being pushed up gently, then having pillows propped on either side of him so he couldn’t fall back into a laying position. Spencer whined a little. “I know Pretty Boy, but I need you awake to eat.”
While Morgan was in the kitchen Spencer started to nod off. Before he knew it, eggs, toast and a large slice of cooked honey ham was in front of his face. He didn’t realize how hungry he was. When Morgan took his plate and brought it to the kitchen, Spencer thought he was done, he could go to bed.
“Spencer, we need to talk about this.” Before Spencer could even think about running, Morgan had sat across from him on the coffee table, and locked him in place with his legs.
“’m tired”, Spencer mumbled. “wanna go ta bed.”
“No Spencer, you’re going to stay awake a little longer before I let you sleep.” Spencer nodded. “How long have you been using Dilaudid?” Spencer didn’t even know the answer to that question. Months? Weeks? He wasn’t sure.
“A few months.” Spencer said quietly, suddenly feeling less high. Not knowing an answer to a question often scared him, so of course it would still scare him while he was in this state of mind.
“Oh Pretty Boy, why didn’t you tell me you wanted to use again?” Morgan sounded genuine in his concern, Spencer broke down.
“I- I- I wanted to handle this myself.” He managed to say between sobs.
“It’s okay baby, well, I’m here now, I promise we’ll get you through this.” Spencer continued crying but this time only asking, “Why? Why do you care?”
“Because, you don’t deserve this. You deserve to live a happy life, and happy being without drugs.” Spencer just cried. “You deserve to not feel so lost Pretty Boy.”
“We danced the night away,
We drank too much,
I held your hair back when,
You were throwing up,”
Third day into withdraw Spencer was throwing up into the trash bin while huddled over on the couch. Morgan was drawing patterns on his back and helping keep the hair out of his face for hours.
“I think it’s starting to subside….” Spencer mumbled.
“Alright, baby, let me get you a glass of water and something to settle your stomach.” He felt the firm hand on his back move to his shoulder as Morgan got up. As quick as he was gone he was back. Spencer chugged the water and then took the small pill. Morgan moved the trash bin away and sat closer to Spencer.
“Then you smiled over your shoulder,
For a minute I was stone cold sober,
I pulled you closer to my chest,
And you asked me to stay over,
I said I already told ya,
I think that you should get some rest,”
“You keep calling me baby.” Spencer said flatly.
“Does it bother you?” Morgan asked.
“Not really. Just an observation.” Spencer looked down and smiled slightly. Morgan didn’t miss it though.
“Come here Pretty Boy, you need some rest while you can.” Morgan held out his arm and Spencer leaned into Morgan, he fell asleep and Morgan held him while the next wave of his withdraw hit him.
“I knew I loved you then,
But you’d never know,
Cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go,”
“Good morning baby, I made breakfast, nothing too heavy though, I know you must still be feeling sick. You were sweating all night, thought for a minute I was going to have to stick you with an IV just to get some fluids into you.” Morgan joked. Spencer lazily sat up and allowed Morgan to bring the food to him. He placed the plate in Spencer’s lap and watched as Spencer took the first few bites.
Though Spencer’s stomach was still rejecting most food, he was hungry. And at the moment he felt like he could eat, so that’s what he did. Morgan watched carefully and when Spencer finished the plate Morgan couldn’t help but smile.
Morgan started to pull away then, when Spencer started feeling better. He felt unneeded and like they’d go back to their regular “Morgan and Reid” when everything was said and done. But Morgan didn’t want that. But now wasn’t the time to bring up a relationship, he was helping the kid through a withdraw.
“I know I needed you,
But I never showed,
But I wanna stay with you until we’re grey and old,
Just say you won’t let go,
Just say you won’t let go,”
Spencer was in the shower when the craving hit. The case has been hard. He knew where the last bottle of Dilaudid was in his apartment was. He kept it for a time like this. Getting out of his shower, and beginning to towel himself off, he heard his phone ring. He really didn’t want to answer it, but he knew it was probably another damn case. He hurried to his phone only to see it was Morgan calling. He thought about not answering. If he answered Morgan would know what he was thinking and he wouldn’t be able to get some relief.
The phone stopped ringing, only for it to ring again a moment later. Maybe there was a case. But when the phone stopped ringing and was followed by silence, he sighed. He went to his room, and quickly pushed his mattress to the side a few inches. The little vial caught the light and Spencer carefully removed it.
His sobriety honestly didn’t matter to him, it mattered to everyone else, but not him.
A knock came at his door.
“Reid I know you’re in there, open up I have beer and pizza.” Reid sighed. Derek wouldn’t go away. Reid put the small bottle back and headed to his door. As soon as he pulled the door open, Derek’s smiled turned south.
“Pretty Boy what are you up to?” Morgan asked slowly, pushing past Reid with everything in his hands, while keeping his eyes on Reid.
“Nothing-,” Morgan interrupted him.
“Bullshit. What’s going on in that brilliant head of yours?” When Spencer didn’t respond Morgan assumed the worst. “It was a tough case, you’re having cravings for a fix aren’t you?” Spencer nodded. “Did you get any?” Technically he didn’t lie when he shook his head ‘no’, but he took a millisecond too long to respond and Derek gently put everything down. “You haven’t yet? Right?” Spencer was quick to shake his head and Derek sighed with relief.
“Okay, can you show me where it is?” Spencer didn’t want to respond. “Pretty Boy, you know I can search every inch of this apartment on grounds of probable cause of drug possession. Do you really want that?” Spencer moved toward the bedroom and Derek followed. Immediately he noticed the bed slightly askew on the frame. He put his hand on Spencer’s shoulder to stop him from moving anymore forward. He knew where it was now, he didn’t need Spencer to get any closer to his vice.
“Okay Pretty Boy, where are the needles?”
“Bathroom, bottom right cabinet in the box of q-tips.” Derek was slightly surprised by the extent Spencer went to hide the needles, but didn’t comment. Derek grabbed the two needles and the vial, he led Spencer back out to the main living room and put the drugs and tools on the end table.
“Spence, I need you to roll up your sleeves.” Spencer almost argued, but he knew it was just Derek worrying. Before Spencer could roll up his sleeves, he began to cry. “C’mere baby, it’s okay, I’m not going to be mad if you used.” Spencer curled into a ball in Derek’s lap and he felt Derek gently roll up his left sleeve. He felt Derek pull him even closer when he didn’t see any fresh marks.
“Pretty Boy I’m so proud of you. I am so proud.” Derek held Spencer tightly.
“I was going to. I didn’t answer your calls.”
“But I came here, so you didn’t.”
“You couldn’t have known.”
“No- but it didn’t happen, regardless of the circumstances, it didn’t happen.” Spencer stayed quiet. “Spence, when’s the last time?”
“I haven’t since you found me…” Derek continued to rock Spencer gently.
“You promise?” Spencer just nodded and closed his eyes. Soon he fell asleep. Derek held him until he woke up the next morning.
“I’ll wake you up with some breakfast in bed,
I’ll bring you coffee with a kiss on your head,
And I’ll take the kids to school,
Wave them goodbye,
And I’ll thank my lucky stars for that night,”
“Good Morning sunshine, I made scrambled eggs, bacon and toast with some jam.” Derek said as he roused the sleeping agent. He was greeted instead with a groan. “C’mon Pretty Boy, you gotta get up, we have a case, wheels up in an hour.” That woke Spencer up.
“Seriously? Where?”
“Middle of Idaho. Get up, shower quickly and come eat some food.” Derek pulled the blankets off the figure in the bed and was half surprised when he realized Spencer wasn’t wearing pants, only boxers, but he didn’t react, just continued to try to annoy the other agent.
Spencer got up, and within ten minutes he was sat next to Derek at his table eating food quickly. He forgot the last time he actually ate breakfast.
The second morning of the case had been rough. They found another body that morning, and though the signature was the same, the MO had completely changed, and it was outside of their geographical profile. Spencer had stayed up all night trying to work out a profile, only for his attempts to be ruined by the news.
Derek came in and put a coffee down in front of the younger agent and quickly ruffled his hands through Spencer’s hair. “Pretty Boy were you up all night?” Spencer just nodded as he sipped the coffee. Hotch had overheard this and saw the young agent’s response.
“Reid, I need you to go get rest if we’re going to actually catch this man. Morgan, take him to the hotel for a few hours. We’re interviewing the victim’s family, we don’t need you both just yet.” Morgan nodded at his boss’s orders and Reid grumbled until he finally got up, pulling his bag with him and taking the coffee.
“Kid, what are you doing to yourself?” Derek asked when they were settled in the car. He could tell Spencer was confused by his question. “It’s like since we had that night a few weeks ago, you’ve been putting yourself through hell. I know you’re not using, but something else is going on in that pretty head.” Spencer didn’t even realize it until Derek had said it. He was getting only a few hours of sleep, only having one meal a day surrounded by seven or eight cups of coffee. This was definitely not healthy.
“I didn’t- I guess I didn’t realize…”
“It’s alright, let’s get you into a bed and have you sleep for a few hours. Okay? We can figure out what to do next when the case is over.” Spencer nodded and let Derek guide him to the hotel room that he hadn’t actually slept in, only put his go-bag down and brushed his teeth in. He settled on the single bed further away from the door and Derek took to reading a book while Spencer slept. Derek didn’t feel like he had to babysit Spencer to make sure he was keeping himself alive, but he was damn sure the kid wasn’t doing a good job of it by himself.
“When you looked over your shoulder,
For a minute, I forget that I’m older,
I want to dance with you right now,
Oh, and you look as beautiful as ever,
And I swear that everyday you’ll get better,
You make me feel this way somehow,”
Derek didn’t know when he finally accepted that he was in love with Spencer. All he knew was that he wanted nothing more than the younger agent to be in his arms with a ring on his finger, claiming him for the world to see. Derek didn’t know if watching Spencer punch an unsub in the face was what did it, or watching him defuse a situation without touching his gun. But it might have been when he watched Spencer interview a victim of an unsub who was clearly addicted to heroin, and he watched Spencer bring it up gently at the end of the interview, and whatever he said to her while he handed her his business card made her smile and nod. All he knew was two months later Spencer had gotten a call from someone and helped make arrangements over the phone for a rehab center.
That was probably it Derek thought. Spencer was in so much pain, but he cared so much about other people. He was beautiful.
“I’m so in love with you,
And I hope you know,
Darling your love is more than worth its weight in gold,”
“Spence, how long have you felt like this?” JJ asked gently.
“Since before Hankle…”
“You should tell him.” JJ prompted slowly. Spencer shook his head.
“No, what if he doesn’t like me like that? What if it’s just him being a friend?” Spencer was sat in her office with his knees to his chest in the seat, and honestly, at that moment JJ couldn’t tell the difference between her own son and Reid.
“Friends don’t hold each other all night to comfort the other, Spence, I promise there is something there with him. Tell him.” Reid sighed and nodded. He told her more of their ‘friendship’ and as he did the smile on JJ’s face grew bigger.
“We’ve come so far my dear,
Look how we’ve grown,
And I wanna stay with you until we’re grey and old,
Just say you won’t let go,
Just say you won’t let go,”
“Spence, how many years clean are you?” Derek asked in front of the girl who Spencer had helped years ago. She had shown up out of the blue one day at the FBI offices and after explaining what Spencer had done for her, security had let her up to see him.
“I am 4 years, 2 months, 16 days and approximately 18 hours clean.” The girl, Cassidy, had looked at him in disbelief.
“Well if it’s going down to the hour, I don’t think I can match you, but I’m one year last week.” Spencer’s huge grin broke out.
“I’m proud of you, I know how hard it is. One year is a huge stepping stone.” Spencer hugged her and she hugged him back. “Also, who’s the lucky guy?” Spencer asked, pointing to the ring on her finger.
“His name is Joel, I actually met him in a support group, he’s part of the reason I finally hit a year.” She was beaming when she was talking about him. “He’s a cop, and he has family up here, so he took a job here and I’m going back to school, and everything is looking so good finally.” Spencer smiled.
“I’m so glad, so does that mean I’ll be seeing you in the groups around town? I can recommend the really good ones.” She nodded.
“That would be great. And I’d really love it if you met Joel. He’s outstanding.”
Derek watched the rest of the exchange with a blissful smile on his face. Spencer had a silver band around his left ring finger, and only he and Spencer knew the words engraved on the inside. The team had been there to witness the exchange and vows, but not the details of the rings. His matched Spencer’s.
Spencer walked Cassidy out after an hour of talking, with the promise to catch coffee the next day.
“Spence, you’re amazing, you know that?”
“I love you.” He replied.
“I love you too.”
“I wanna live with you,
Even when we’re ghosts,
Cause you were always there for me when I needed you the most,
I’m ganna love you till, my lungs give out,
I promise till death we part like in our vows,”
“Spencer Reid, what in the hell was that?” Derek yelled at him. Spencer had jumped in the way of him and a bullet and taken it in the shoulder while Derek had managed to shoot the unsub after Spencer had hit the ground.
“You didn’t have a vest on, he was going to shoot, I miscalculated though, if I had waited just a tad bit longer it would have hit my vest.”
“He could have been aiming for my head.” Spencer shook his head.
“Angle was too low. Are you really mad at me because I just got shot and I think I deserve a bit more patience right now.” Derek sighed and removed Spencer’s hand from the wound to replace it with his own. He was happy when he saw that the bullet had grazed the vest first, and the shrapnel from it was what was actually causing the blood to flow from his chest. The wound wasn’t life threatening, just painful.
“Thank you for saving my life.” Derek said to him quietly.
“I love you.”
“So I wrote this song for you, now everybody knows,
Cause now it’s just you and me till we’re grey and old,
Just say you won’t let go,
Just say you won’t let go,
Oh, just say you won’t let go”
Derek was quietly playing his guitar as to not disturb Spencer or their daughter. But clearly that had failed when he heard a quiet ‘shhh’ from the hallway. Derek smiled, his back was toward the door, but he knew they were both listening in. So he slowly transitioned into their favorite song he knew, and sang it just loud enough for them to hear, but quiet enough to make it believable that he hadn’t heard them.
“I love you guys, and for an FBI agent, you’re really not that stealthy.” Derek said when the song was over.
“Awww how’d you know we were here??” Cassidy asked with a look of disbelief on her small five-year-old face. They had adopted her when she was a newborn, and Spencer had instantly attached the name to her. Derek loved it.
“Because your daddy is very loud, you however could totally be an international super spy! You were so stealthy! I didn’t even know you were there until I looked!!” She ran towards her father and tackled him with a hug. Derek looked at Spencer and smiled as he returned the hug.