Work Text:
He should've known better than to get involved with her, all things considered. He'd heard the warnings, even had an uncle that was still dealing with the fallout. But when she introduced herself, it wasn't even as a friend - just an acquaintance, a passing fancy. They saw each other at parties, admired each other a little, and then went their separate ways. Usually.
Sometimes she started showing up when he was alone, just to hang out for a little while, and then she was gone. Jocelyn didn't think much about it, it wasn't like they weren't acquainted. Hell, she'd been at their wedding; his best man had spent the whole night making out with her. And it wasn't like Leonard was doing anything that stupid. Jocelyn knew that. Just as long as it was a casual thing, nothing serious, she didn't mind.
Afterwards, he was never really sure when that changed, when she started looking really good to him.
Med school wasn't easy, and it didn't hurt that she was there for him all the way, holding his hand, waiting for him after a hard day. Funny how that was okay with him, even while he did some work at a rehab clinic; every day he was faced with the broken hearts and broken homes she'd left in her wake, and sometimes he found himself repulsed by what she could do to a man. Sometimes he thought he'd put a stop to it.
When Jocelyn got pregnant, that was it. He wasn't fooling around any more, he was going to focus. He had a wife, he had a career, he was going to have a kid. This was the big time, and he was going to be responsible from here on out. His thoughts wandered sometimes, especially since Jocelyn was so tired all the time, and he was picking up a lot of the slack at home - but the first time he looked into little Jo's eyes, all the noise left his head. All right, so maybe he and Jocelyn had some issues, maybe they weren't as well-suited to each other as they'd thought at first, but he didn't have to look to something he could never have. Any time he needed some motivation, some strength to keep going, all he had to do was think of Joanna.
But then he'd see her again, all smooth and gorgeous, and who was he that he could say no to that?
It kind of surprised him when he realized she'd started showing up at work. It wasn't too professional of him, to be carrying on that way at the office. But when he refused to see her, he found that he just kept thinking about her. Better to just get it out of the way and go on. It did leave him a little concerned that maybe this was getting more serious than he thought, but she wasn't really doing him any harm, was she?
It all hit the fan when everything went down with his father. Not like he was alone in his grief and frustration, but he was alone in his guilt, and he wasn't going to talk about that. He couldn't. Even thinking about it was too much.
And there she was, asking for no explanations. Just offering herself, like she always did, and she'd never looked so inviting.
He gave in; he let himself sink into her, immerse himself in her, until he couldn't think. He spent an entire weekend making love to her, letting her shrink his world to just the two of them, and when he finally went home, disheveled and stinking and exhausted, he could tell by the look in Jocelyn's eyes he didn't have to explain. She knew.
The crazy thing was, Jocelyn understood. Instead of screaming at him, she just held him close, rocking him gently, and whispered for him to never do it again. And he just held on, because she hadn't held him like this since practically their honeymoon, and what had happened to the two of them anyway? He nodded, wordlessly, because he didn't trust himself to speak, and then he got into the shower to clean himself up before he went to give Joanna a big hug too.
But the next time he and Jocelyn got into it, she was right there waiting for him, and he hated himself just enough to go to her, even knowing what it meant. And this time, Jocelyn wasn't so forgiving. Ironically, the less forgiving Jocelyn was, the more time he spent with her instead.
It wasn't long before Jocelyn put her foot down. If Leonard didn't stop seeing her, she was going to leave, and take Joanna with her.
He tried. He really tried. He knew it was wrong, but that didn't seem to matter anymore. All he could see was her. She made him feel good. She made the world stop spinning, she made everything that was wrong go away. He was starting to think he'd do anything for her.
Well, almost anything. The only thing that still seemed right without her was Joanna. That little girl was the one good and perfect creature in the universe - heaven knows how, since half her DNA came from him - and despite all his indiscretions, there was one rule Jocelyn had laid down that he'd never violated. He'd never bring her home with him, not around Joanna.
And although he didn't, one day he realized he hadn't been home for the night in a week.
He was starting to get the feeling he really needed to give her up anyway; she was starting to get nasty to him, just like everyone had warned him she would. She was disrupting his work as well as his marriage, and there were days he spent all morning hiding in the dark, so no one would see what she'd done to him the night before. She knew he was trying to get away - unlike Jocelyn, she wasn't going to let him go. And if she couldn't have him, no one could.
He wasn't too surprised when he woke up in the hospital once, throat sore from the intubation. They said she'd tried to kill him in his sleep. Funny, he didn't resent her one bit for it - couldn't wait to see her again.
Jocelyn wasn't sympathetic anymore, not after that. At least she waited until he was discharged, until they were back in their own house, in their own kitchen, with Jo asleep upstairs, to get into it.
"Which is it going to be, Len? Are you going to stop, or am I going to take Jo and leave?"
Their marriage was already messed up, probably beyond repairing at this point. Maybe she could see it in his eyes, the way his thoughts turned to the sweetness he'd found elsewhere. After waiting for a response that never came, she just turned away and went up to their room, locking the door behind her.
If he was going to have to sleep on the couch anyway, he felt pretty justified in spending the night out with her instead. Sure it was a bad idea, but it couldn't mess things up any worse now, could it?
He was still surprised when a couple days later, he found the papers waiting for him at the breakfast table. But at least he knew who he could turn to, who he could trust.
He brought her with him to the hearing. That was probably the worst thing he could have done, in retrospect, but he needed her support. Wasn't like Jocelyn was going to be giving him any. Somehow it had slipped his mind that showing up with her, in public, in court, was a good way to make damn sure Jocelyn got full custody. Jocelyn got the house, too, and pretty much everything else. What was left for him, he found out on the lawn when he remembered how to get home.
He saw Jocelyn in the window as he was picking up what he could carry, and Jo too. After a little while, Jocelyn came out, her eyes almost as red as his, and asked if he had somewhere to go. He claimed he did, but in all honesty, he didn't have a clue, and then she hugged him tight, told him to get help. Please get help, for his own sake, if he wouldn't do it for her and Jo.
But really, after the way he'd been carrying on with her, he didn't think enough of himself to cross the street, let alone give up the one thing he could lean on when everything else went to hell. He just gave Jocelyn a hug, and held onto Jo for a good long time once her mama had given her the okay to come out and say goodbye.
The next few days had been one big blur. He didn't have any reason to hide the affair anymore, so why not indulge it? She was a terrible mistress, as likely to leave him to wake up on the bathroom floor or in the gutter as in a bed the last couple weeks, but he had nowhere else to turn. Even if she was putting crazy thoughts in his head - well, maybe. They were so close these days, he wasn't sure which were her and which were him. Maybe it was him that let himself wander a little too close to the edge of the footbridge when he was so unsteady, maybe it was her little whisper that told him no. Maybe she was the only thing saving him from himself, and maybe she was the only thing that could.
He didn't remember much else after leaving, until one night he was holding on to a lamppost to steady himself - hanging on for dear life, really - and trying to concentrate on anything other than the feel of her inside of him, which was how he happened to catch sight of a flier someone had stuck up there.
He paused, and thought about it for a minute. ...Wasn't like he hadn't had crazier ideas. Even within the last few days.
It took him a while to figure out where he even was once it got light out, but it turned out the shuttle wasn't leaving until evening anyway. Just a little hop over to Iowa, where there was a shipyard, and then on to the Bay. Just as well, because it was going to take some time, and a considerable amount of help from her, before he could talk himself into setting foot in one of those deathtraps.
She gave him courage, though, and he grinned at her uneasily as he strapped himself in. It was fitting. Since he knew what would happen once he touched down, it better be one hell of a last fling.
"You and me, darlin'," he mumbled. "We're joining the mile high club tonight."