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They're not really that similar, Keiko and Binoculars.
So I don't know why I keep thinking about it.
She doesn't smile the same way, but there's something--
Three years ago, I wasn't like this. I got along with people, had a group of tight-knit friends, had Keiko. I trusted people. I believed that, even with how bad things were in the world, people were generally good and would try to help each other before serving their own interests. Our futures weren't bright, but we thought, hey. Things could be a lot worse. We've still got each other, and we'll figure out a way through school and finding employment, we'll all get married and have yearly reunions and retire to the seaside and all that nonsense.
And that's when we were selected for the game.
We resisted at first. A few of them offed themselves, but mostly we just holed up together and tried to figure out some way to get out, all together.
Looking back on it now, damn, we were optimistic. Nah, that's not even the right word; we were stupid. Time ticking away, getting crazier and crazier every second, and still I thought, There's no way we'll turn on each other. We're too close.
Pot Lid and Binoculars here probably think I'm some dyed-in-the-wool killer now that I've told them what I wanted them to hear. I guess that's not inaccurate. When it came down to it-- it was me and Keiko.
For them, it's the two of them.
Man, they came to that conclusion a lot faster than I did. Without having to kill any of the people they thought of as friends, even.
It was on the second day that we snapped. Everyone else already had, I guess it was just our turn. Our friend Fumi was dead where she'd fallen asleep when we woke up. No one else owned up to it, and it sure as hell wasn't me or Keiko-- and so all those big plans of escape and eventual retirement to the seaside went up in a cloud of bullets and blood. Can't trust anyone-- not even the people you thought you knew better than anyone.
Kill or be killed. Everyone is selfish in the end-- looking out for themselves. Even me.
So then why do I keep getting this feeling like Keiko would be scolding me for thinking that whenever I talk to these two optimistic idiots? So what if they're kind of like how me and Keiko were then? That's not going to save them. That's sure as hell not going to save me. I'm better off ditching them to inevitably reenact those last moments that Keiko and I had. You think you love someone, you think you'd do anything to protect them, but when it comes down to the last seconds and it's either one of you lives or you both die…
Kill or be killed, right?
"I think she must have loved you a lot, to be able to smile like that," Binoculars is saying now, "If it was me, I think I would have wanted to thank you too."
It's ridiculous, is my first thought. It can't be that simple. That last smile couldn't have been as simple as, hey, thanks for loving me.
We had plans. We were going to scrape together enough attendance and exam points to graduate, I was going to work some shit labor jobs to make enough for us to live on in some tiny apartment while she went into nursing, and give or take a few years we were going to be sitting pretty. And I took all that away from her 'cause I couldn't bear to die. She couldn't either. Our plans weren't worth anything in the face of certain death.
Why would she thank me for that?
But Binoculars is looking at Pot Lid like she's saying, hey…thanks.
Thanks for loving me.
Well, I can't just let these guys die now. Not until I figure all this out.
The truth is, I know a way out of this. Well, I think I do, anyway. It's a long shot, but it's one that'll work.
See, they don't tell you about what happens to the "winners" of these damn games-- probably 'cause there's not a lot to tell. Welcome home, here's a certificate signed by the government bigwigs and a five-year pension that's just barely enough to live on if you don't mind living in a shoebox and only like eating one meal a day. But that was enough for me. I didn't really care, what was the point of trying to live more fancily than that?
But I'd heard about kids that got put back into the game years later. Wildcards, they called them. Not every game had them, but sometimes--
I guess you could say I had a bad feeling about it.
So I spent days in the library, using their computers to try to hack into the government websites, get my hands on some useful information. I managed to get away with schematics of the collars before I got caught-- spent a couple of days sleeping under an overpass to lose any tail I had on me. But that was enough, it was something, a kind of…insurance, I guess, if I ever got pulled into this again.
Man, I really do hate being right sometimes.
And I hate feeling like I want these two idiots to get out of this alive too. It's not like there's going to be much of a life waiting for us. Escape from the hell of your classmates with guns and dive into the hell of the government with guns. Who says that's necessarily better than death? I know I can do it, but I kinda have my doubts about these guys. Pacifism's a luxury.
Keiko, what would you do?
No, I know. I can hear you scolding me. Shogo, you used to be so kind. You used to help people that needed help, just because you could. You always used to say, "No matter how bad things get, I'm not gonna give up." So be kind, and don't give up now.
Being kind's a luxury too, you know.
But all right, all right…you win.
"I know a way out of this game," I tell them, "But I can't tell you until the end." The mics, the radio signals-- hell, they'll come out themselves and shoot you in the face if they think you're cheating, so it's gotta look like we don't actually know what we're doing. Which means that they can't. They don't really seem like the types that can play innocent.
"Until then, take this as my word." A handgun, a box of bullets-- I toss those to Pot Lid. "Use them to protect--"
--ah. Shit. I guess if I'm doing this whole being kind, trusting people thing…I should probably know their names.
I'm probably going to regret this.
"Nakagawa Noriko," Binoculars says in the gap.
"Nanahara Shuya," Pot Lid follows up.
Nakagawa.
Nanahara.
We're gonna ride into hell together, and hopefully come out on the other side in one piece. So I guess…trust me, and I'll trust you guys too.
I'm actually smiling. Can't remember the last time I did that.
Keiko…I think I'm starting to get it. What your smile was all about. But I guess I'll hold off before I start declaring any sudden epiphanies or anything.
For now…it's just nice to know I'm not alone anymore.