Work Text:
The first time it happened was on their first tour, in the middle of the night on the bus. They'd lived in such cramped quarters then. Nathan was still awake, sitting up in his bunk when he heard the whimpering, picking up on it and straining to listen. His first thought had been that one of them had been jacking off, and he reached for his headphones, until he heard a soft sob cut off by a sharp gasp, loud in the silence. He heard someone moving, so he froze, until he saw Toki's face peek out the curtains of his bunk. Their eyes caught, and a look of shock came over the teen, promptly followed by relief.
"Nat'ens." He whispered, looking dismayed.
"What?" He murmured, keeping his voice as low as he could.
"...I can'ts sleeps. Can I stays up wid you?" Nathan wasn't sure what the kid meant, so he shrugged.
"Yeah. Just be quiet." The brunette lit up and hopped down from his bunk, crossing over to Nathan's before he could say a word. Toki crawled in on the other end of his bed, sitting crosslegged and staring at him.
"...What're you doing." Toki blinked at him, looking puzzled.
"I stays up wid you." He shifted, looking as though he was making himself comfortable. "You writings de songs whats ams for de next albums?"
"Yeah."
"Can I sees dem?" He leaned forward, and though Nathan was fairly sure the boy couldn't read english, he tilted his notebook into his chest.
"No." Toki sat back, looking disappointed. Nate felt guilty, if only because the kid was so good at those puppy eyes. "I don't let anyone see."
"You reads dem to me?" The foreign boy didn't seem to understand why this was out of the question.
"...They're not done."
"I don'ts cares."
"It's just like... words n' stuff." The frontman muttered, beginning to feel self conscious under the intent stare Toki was giving him.
"I hopes it ams words." He giggled. "Sometimes I wonders." Nathan huffed, beginning to lose his patience.
"I mean like... it's just ideas and stuff. Right now."
"You doesn'ts has to shows me." The guitarist leaned back against the wall of the bunk, yawning a little. "Til yous ready." Nate glanced down at the page he'd been scribbling on. It was just a jumble of biting words like bellow and tumult and omniscient, waiting to have their dots connected. "I just watches you." Contrary to what he was saying, Toki's eyes were drifting closed, and Nathan sat and watched the kid fall asleep in a matter of seconds. He glanced out the window - the sun was almost up. He probably wouldn't sleep, so it didn't matter if Toki slept sitting up against his wall, he figured. Easier than having him sitting up chirping questions. He scribbled another word on the page - magnanimous.
---
The second time was their first night in Mordhaus. Toki rapped on Nathan's door thunderously in the middle of the night, and when he received no answer, threw it open and ran in. He rushed over to the bed and threw up the blankets at the end, burrowing under and curling up into the fetal position.
"Toki, what's wrong?" Nathan lifted the blankets to look at Toki. The brunette's eyes brimmed with tears, his lower lip trembling, but his mouth was locked shut. "Toki. Are you okay?" No response - not even a blink. It was almost pitch black in his room, and Nathan had been sound asleep for once. He grabbed Toki by one arm and hauled him up, out of the way at least. He didn't have the heart to shove the little guy on the floor like he'd initially wanted to, not after having seen those eyes. Besides, there was more than enough room.
"Fine. I'm goin' back to sleep." And so he did, with his back to Toki. Sometime in the night, the Norwegian unwound, his feet nudging him every now and then. Nathan woke up to it early, glancing back and wondering if the little guy was running in his sleep like dogs do. Probably. He ignored it and went back to sleep, too groggy to care. When he woke back up, the kid was gone. Neither of them made mention of it again, and life resumed as usual.
---
It was a long time before it happened again. But Nathan was beginning to put the pieces together somewhat - after Toki's parents visited, he'd awoken them all by coming out of a dead sleep screaming, jumping to his feet and promptly falling onto his face, still half-drunk from the night before. They'd all passed out around the living room watching some movie, not uncommon, but now all 5 of them were wide awake, Toki sitting in the middle of the room, eyes wide and gasping for breath.
"Tokis, whats you doings, we ams sleepings!!" Skwisgaar scolded, blearily. Nathan was suddenly totally conscious though, and he wished he wasn't, hadn't seen with such clarity the way Toki's face crumpled at the yelling. He curled in on himself, and Nathan got up.
"C'mon, Toki, you should go to bed." He nudged Toki gently with a foot to get him to unbury his head from his knees, offering a hand. The boy stood slowly, on shaking legs, and once he was up, all their eyes landed on the small wet spot that he had left. Nathan glanced down and quickened his pace walking out, seeing that the boy's pants were soaked now. Whatever he'd been running from in his nightmare had literally scared the piss out of him. Toki's head was down so low, his chin was practically to his chest.
"It's okay." He rumbled, trying to sound soothing.
"Is nots ok, it ams gay and stupids." He pouted.
"It happens."
"Nuh-uh, nones of you ever has de horse-nights." Nate chuckled, and Toki lifted his head to glare as they reached his door.
"You're not the only one." He assured, opening the door to try to usher the boy into his room, but Toki stood resolutely, looking at him.
"You has dem?" His eyes were searching Nathan's for truth, but the singer refused to meet the gaze.
"Uh, yeah. I've had nightmares before." That wasn't terribly unbrutal. Nightmares could be really fucking brutal, he told himself. Toki's eyes widened.
"Yous had de nightsmares too?" He gawped at the older man freely until the vocalist gave him a firm shove into his room. "Hey, waits, you tells me abouts de nightshorse-"
"Change your clothes and get to bed, Toki. I'm goin' back to sleep." The look on his face was not to be argued with, and he headed down the hall without any further ado. Toki stared after him almost until he was out of sight, but Nate still heard him slam his door childishly.
---
The fourth time, Toki came quietly, entering his room and standing beside his bed, fumbling his hands. Nathan wasn't asleep yet, but he wasn't sure he wanted to attend to whatever Toki had on his mind. He had enough to worry about - they were in control of their own company, which was rapidly tanking, and their frie manager was dead.
"Nat'ens." He whispered, eliminating the choice from the situation.
"What?" Nate answered, letting his annoyance go undisguised.
"...I has de stayings up horse-nights." He was worrying his lip with his teeth, and his eyes looked red and raw.
"What." He said flatly. Toki sighed sharply, brow creasing.
"You know. I breat'es heavies and I gets de lumps in my t'roats, and de knots in my stomach-" He looked pleading. "When's de managers comings back?"
"Toki. We buried him." Actually, they'd burned him, or in reality, a pile of sticks, a bottle of brandy and some expensive suits that had belonged to the man. But he doubted the kid was gonna argue semantics with him. "He's gone. He's not coming back." Toki's lips quivered.
"Is dat mines fault?"
"What?" Nathan sat up, throwing away his last shred of hope that he might be able to turn over and go back to sleep. The rhythm guitarist looked on the verge of tears.
"I means, I doesn't even cares if he ams dead, dat guy was dildos." He said, with a trembling voice. "But if it ams because of me, I wants to know. Sos dat... I don'ts get anyones else hurts whats doesn't deserves it." He stiffened his lip, resigned to the fact that his existence brought with it death and destruction unending.
"Wh-... No. Toki. He just. Died. Okay?" Nathan was too tired for this - he'd spent all day poring over the endless tedium that Charles had always handled with effortless grace. "There was nothing that any of us could've done."
"But... I kills my dads..." His voice broke, and his shoulders slumped. "I kills... everyt'ing..."
"It's not your fault. It's no one's fault." The frontman said it, but he didn't believe it, and they both could hear it in his voice.
"He loveds us." Toki sniffled wetly, his shoulders shaking a little now. The kid was a mess, Nathan was surprised he was still standing. "And I loveds him, and den he dies."
"That's not - You're not- He just-" Nate groaned. "Sit down already." He ordered, and Toki complied promptly. Nathan patted his back awkwardly, the younger man looking at him with those gigantic, wet doe eyes. "He protected us. That's what he was supposed to do." He said, softly. Toki sniffled some more, scrubbing the back of his hand across his face.
"T'anks you, Nat'ens." Toki leaned into his patting, turning it into an awkward half-hug. Nate kept it brief. "Can I stays here wid you?"
"Why?" He was really beginning to wonder why Toki came to him with these things.
"......you makes me feels safe." He confessed quietly, looking embarrassed, but not nearly enough in Nathan's opinion.
"Uh... fine." Nathan scooted over, tossing a pillow in Toki's direction while putting plenty of distance between them. Once could be explained, but twice was surely borderline gay. It wasn't long before he heard soft snores, so he let his own eyes fall closed again, trying to force his brain to shut back down. It... took a while. But when he woke up in the morning, again, Toki was gone. He definitely felt a sense of disquiet, but he ignored that too - there were more important things to be done. He would deal with it if it became a problem.
---
The next time came when they were deep beneath the sea, a place Nathan felt both strangely comfortable and ominously unwelcome. His sleep had been more disturbed than ever, and aside from working out like a fiend, he spent his time drinking himself into unconsciousness. That night, he was sitting up, heart hammering and broken into a cold sweat from a dream half-remembered. He was startled by an echoing, metallic knock, but sighed and got up to open the door - it could only really be one person. When he opened it, though, Toki looked shattered, tears streaming down his face.
"Dude. What's up?" Was his immediate reaction, stepping aside to let the boy in. He couldn't let anyone see a member of Dethklok like this. He sat Toki down on the bed, standing in front of him, unsure what to do. It was a long moment before the guitarist spoke up.
"...I had dreams dat I dieds, Nat'ens." He was blinking those huge, waterlogged eyes, and his nose was running. Nathan grabbed some tissues, but Toki just held them in his lap, staring unwaveringly at the singer. "Someone puts de swords throughs me and I chokes to deat' on bloods." He wrapped his arms around his middle, hunching in on himself like he was in pain. "I feels it rippings de guts. Dey was all loose insides me..." He trailed off, mouth open and trembling, looking more haunted than he ever had.
"You're here. You're fine. It wasn't real." He recited the very same things he told himself without stopping to think about it. The scene Toki was describing felt terribly real to him, almost as if he'd heard it before.
"It felts real. It feels real." Toki clutched himself all the harder, fresh tears brimming in his eyes. Nathan didn't know what to do, but he couldn't watch this anymore, it made him feel like his own guts were being mutilated. He stepped up, leaned down and pulled the kid up into a full-bodied hug, lifting the smaller man off his feet for a second.
"You're okay." Nathan felt more like he was tackling Toki than hugging him, which was OK by him. "OK?" To his great surprise, Toki relaxed rather quickly into his hug therapy, arms slipping down to his sides, just letting Nate squeeze him. The brunette pressed his soaked face into Nathan's chest, shaking a little even still.
"T'anks you." He said, quietly. "You doesn't has to dos dis."
"Yeah, well..." Nathan didn't know what to say to that. "Whatever. You've... Done some shit for me too." He grinned a little as he recalled, 'Takes dat, ya german whore!!'
"No. Reallies." Toki looked up, and Nate tried to school his expression, but... he wasn't well known for his ability to conceal his emotions. He let go of Toki quickly when their eyes met, suddenly self-conscious. The boy looked a little disappointed, but a hell of a lot more human and alive than he'd been before.
"You ok?" He sized Toki up. The guitarist fumbled with his sleeve, looking anywhere but at Nathan.
"...Coulds I may-"
"No." Nate had told himself that the last time would be the last time.
"...You doesn'ts hears what I says?" Toki actually sounded a little confused, and Nathan felt a bit guilty. He should've broke the kid of this habit long ago.
"You can't stay."
"...Why?" Toki's expression shifted slowly from confusion, to concern, and back to distress. "Dids I dos somet'ing?"
"No, I just... I just don't think it's a good idea."
"Why?" He was insistent. "You sleeps wid me befores."
"Wh-no, don't. Don't call it that." Nathan flinched. "You just slept in my bed."
"Fines, we shares a beds, whatevers, whats does it matters?" He was getting bratty, a sure sign of his mood having improved.
"Don't fuckin' call it that either!" He sighed frustratedly. "Just. You seem fine now, why can't you go back to your bed?" Toki glared at him, and crossed his arms.
"I'ms nots tired." He pouted, his mustache wrinkling comically. "We mights as well stays up togedder."
"How do you know I'm gonna fuckin' stay up?" Nate was at the end of his patience with this - he wanted to sleep, he needed to sleep, but he knew he wouldn't, he was too tense.
"You were alreadies awakes." Toki pointed out, with a triumphant expression, knowing he'd trumped Nathan.
"Fuck! Toki..." He sighed, resigning himself. "Yeah... I got a lot on my mind. It's been fuckin... hard to sleep."
"You makes me feels safe and goods to sleeps. Maybe I helps you sleeps?" He pressed.
"Fuck. Fine." He knew Toki wasn't gonna give in, and he didn't feel like trying to kick the fuckin' kid out. Their quarters, while still lavish, were modest by Dethklok standards. Next to his expansive bed at home, having Toki in bed with him felt almost cramped, even with a solid foot of dead space between them. As he predicted, the brunette was snoring in minutes, but he wasn't so lucky. It took him a long time to fall asleep, and when he did, it was thin and fitful, and felt to him like dry drowning.
---
Toki woke not long after Nathan fell asleep. It was less than an hour before the frontman began to mutter and hum and let out pained groans. He could've slept through it if he needed, but it felt wrong. Nathan watched over him. It wasn't the first time he'd held a vigil over the older man's sleep - it'd gotten worse since the night they'd spent together when they believed Charles was dead. The sub made awful enough noises on its own, hisses and thumps and rumbles and burbles and rattles, but Nathan sounded sincerely troubled tonight. Toki couldn't help himself - he put a hand on the larger man's shoulder, hoping to anchor him to something, something good. Immediately, the vocalist's hand came up to grab his wrist, startling him. Only rarely could Toki make out anything that Nathan said in his restless sleep, but tonight, he heard one single word quite clearly.
"Toki." He froze, sure that Nathan had awoken and was protesting, but upon closer inspection, his eyes were still firmly closed. He held his breath, but his bandmate said no more, just holding onto him. That was fine, he figured, squeezing his shoulder a little. Nathan just held him firmly, looking distressed.
After a long while, or what felt like a long while, Nate slackened his grip, his face easing somewhat. Toki settled in a little, examining him as best he could from his vantage point. It might've been his imagination, but he thought Nathan looked more peaceful. He smiled to himself. That was all he could ask for.