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"Bellamy? Are you there?"
The sudden crackling of the radio has him jumping a foot in the air.
It has been over a month since they got to the Ring, and communications have been down ever since. Under Monty and Raven's instructions, the group has been working non-stop on the farm, electricity, and other stuff necessary to sustain them. The radio was the last of their worries. Over the past month, Bellamy has tried to come to terms with the fact that, for the time being, the only voices he'll hear are of the other six people he's sharing the spaceship with. "It's me" continues the disembodied voice, a little clearer now. "Just checking in."
With his heart in his throat, the leader of the ragtag spacekru nearly falls over his boots in his haste to scramble from under the control table and reach the mike.
"The air doesn't burn anymore. But finding food is still difficult and,… Well…" There's an awkward pause. Bellamy's hands shake as she picks up the black plastic mike. He can't believe this is possible. Her voice comes forcefully chipper, and he would recognize it anywhere. "I managed to repair the water-filtration system. I told you it wasn't working right, didn't I?"
He chokes on his spit. "No, you did not!" Bellamy snaps indignantly into the mouthpiece, completely forgetting to greet her. Regardless, she continues as if she hasn't heard. "Anyway, the rotating thingy in one of the main motors had come loose. It took me a while to fix it, but I have non-toxic water again. So yay, me!" A short pause. He wants to say something, wants, but his words are stuck in his throat.
She's alive. Somehow she's alive. Clarke is alive.
"This would be a lot easier if you answered every once in a while, you know?"
The bitterness jolts him back into reality. "Clarke! Clarke, can you hear me? Clarke!"
"Talk to you later."
"Clarke!" The radio goes silent again.
It doesn't matter. That was Clarke. She's alive! She's fucking alive! Bellamy can't keep the grin off his face as he sprints across the Ring to find Raven and the others.
Clarke is alive!
***
"Bellamy? Can you hear me? I rigged a functioning portable radio. How do I know it' works? I tested it." Bellamy smiles, like he does every day, when he hears her husky voice.
They are nearly two months into their five-year-long exile and three weeks since he first heard Clarke's radio calls. Every day she checks in: sometimes she spends a few hours talking, others just a handful of minutes. No matter for how long, Bellamy's always there, listening and dismantling the scrap to find enough components for Raven to build them a functioning transmitter so that they can answer Clarke's messages. "I think Raven would be proud. I used Manfred," he snorts at the stupid name she's given the computer in Becca's lab, "he talked to me, and I heard him from across the island!"
Bellamy grabs the useless mike off the counter, settling next to the desk, looking out the large bay window. He can't see Earth from here: only darkness sprinkled with stars.
"The air's toxicity levels have gone down enough that it is safe to go outside for long for a few hours." He swallows back the taste of ash.
He wishes he could go outside, too. The metallic walls and the constant hum of the Ark's life support system bring too many bad memories. "As soon as I find a functioning boat, I'll be off this stupid island. I don't know what I'll find. What do you think?"
Whenever she has a question, he wants to answer, but he can't, and it might drive him crazy. "Any pointers? What do you see? Is there anything out there?" Pause "Fine. Good talk."
Bellamy stares out of the window into dark space, his hand white-knuckled around the useless black mouthpiece.
***
"Bellamy? It's been five hundred and twenty-three days." He knows. Oh!, how well he knows! "I… I saw the dropship."
His heart breaks a little, hearing her tearful voice. "Shh… Don't cry. I'm here," he whispers against the plastic mouthpiece.
"Spent the night in what's left of the hull. Do you…? Do you remember the trees and the fence? It was so beautiful I… The first time I saw the ground, I thought I had died and landed in heaven." She snorts, and he does, too. Because that might be a corny way to put it, but it's true. The ground was so different from everything they had seen before: the air, the sky, the light, and so much space! It was overwhelming.
Her next words, thick with tears, echo his thoughts: "The air was so fresh. Everything was so bright I spent two weeks squinting when the sun was at its peak. Many delinquents slept from noon to five and lived during the night. Do you remember?"
Of course, he does. He was one of them: sleeping through the day because the light was too fucking bright. Right until they found out that the grounders lived in the trees. That the grounders had hidden traps and that walking through the forest at night was way too dangerous.
"It was so beautiful and now… Now it's all gone, Bell. The trees and the butterflies and… I wish the sun would pierce through the clouds every once in a while." Bellamy looks through the windows down at Earth. He can see the clouds rolling around, blanketing everything in fluffy gray. Hiding her from view.
"Hold on a little longer, princess," he whispers and hates that she can't hear him. That she's down there alone. That she needs him, and he can't be there.
***
"Bellamy?" he perks up. She's late. Usually, she checks in first thing in the morning. It's nearly two in the afternoon. "Bellamy, please answer me." Her voice is deep and hoarse with tears again. "Just once. I need to… Please!"
"Clarke? I can hear you." Bellamy feels bile rise to the back of his throat.
Raven has given up on trying to rig a functional radio. She has tried everything for over a year, but even she has had to admit that they don't have enough tools or materials to do it.
Murphy thinks they should be grateful they get to hear news from Earth. Bellamy feels only slightly guilty for punching him.
Clarke's sobs echo in the empty room, clawing his chest open. "I can't take the silence anymore. I thought I could, but... Please!" She sniffles, and he can nearly see her: blond hair around sticking to her wet cheeks; puffy, bloodshot eyes and shaking shoulders. "I am not strong enough and... and... I am lonely. It never got this bad in solitary before. It..." her voice turns into some incomprehensible gibberish when a solar flare scrambles the signal. The radio goes silent. Bellamy's heart stops. When it comes back online, Clarke's voice is dark, hard, and angrier than he's ever heard. "You know what? You can go float yourself! If you don't want to talk to me, I am through! I won't keep doing this!"
***
"Bellamy?" It's been a week. A week without news, a week in which he's considered every worse-case-scenario. Bellamy has spent that time either sitting by the radio or sparring with Echo, trying to get nervous energy and sickening guilt out of his system. It hasn't helped. "I'm sorry I snapped at you the other day."
"You shouldn't apologize," he whispers into the mike. He knows it is useless, but can't help himself, a tiny, stubborn part of him hopes she'll hear him. Monty says he needs to stop flagellating himself. The rest don't say anything.
"I've found a patch of green land ?" Clarke sounds tentative like she's making a peace offering; her voice so small and unsure it breaks his heart. " And there was a deer. I tried to hunt it, but I missed so bad ." He chuckles, low and sad. " Like, I mean, the arrow didn't land anywhere near it. I'm better with a rifle, you know ."
Bellamy rubs the spot near his sternum that always hurts when he hears her talk. Yes, she has always been a good shot, ever since he put a rifle in her tiny white hands. "Or… Maybe... I didn't want to kill it because it reminded me of Finn."
Bellamy bites down on his fist.
He didn't know Finn well, but his death still weighs heavy on him; he can't imagine how it must weight on her.
Clarke clears her throat. "How is everybody? I don't ask about them as often as I should, I know."
"They're doing fine," he says quickly, before she continues, and the illusion shatters.
"I… I guess Murphy's driving everyone up the walls."
"He sure is. Thank god for Emori for keeping him centered. More or..."
"...and Monty's teaching Harper everything about farming algae. I sure you think you have it bad, but food down here still tastes like ash."
He stops trying to answer the questions after a while. There's so much to say, and it only breaks the illusion that they're talking if Clarke continues without listening to what he's saying.
"How is Raven doing? If she's pushing herself too hard,… Who am I kidding?" They both chuckle again, still sad but somewhat lighter. "Don't let her push herself so hard. You still have time to find a solution. One thousand one hundred thirty days. It's plenty of time to figure out how you're gonna come back. Well. Talk to you later."
"I'm taking care of everyone" he whispers into the static silence. "I'm trying, Clarke. For your sake."
***
"Bellamy? Happy space-versary! You have been up there for two whole years. Just three more to go."
Sitting with his back against the wall Bellamy stares down at the Earth. She's starting to look beautiful again. The clouds no longer hide everything from view, and he can see the blue oceans and dusty dark gray patches of the continents. Somewhere, down there, Clarke's all alone. And it's just not fair.
"Happy space-versary, Clarke" he mutters into the darkness.
***
"Bellamy! You won't believe it! I found another natblida!"
"No fucking way!"
"Her name is Madi; she's ten years old. I found her scavenging on the borders of... I think it was Yujleda or Delfikru territory. It is tough to remember the borders when everything looks so desolate. Anyway, she is, or was, I guess, Ingranronakru. Her whole family died, as did their horses and, well all of their livestock. Madi's very shy, but I think she's taken a liking to me. I can't wait for you to meet her."
Down there Clarke has found a child, and he has to wipe away the tears because she's not alone anymore.
"I can't wait to meet her either."
***
"Bellamy? Yes, I am still doing this. It's my way of staying sane, stop judging."
"I'm not judging. I'd probably go insane myself if you stopped."
"We got to Polis." His hands get clammy with sweat. O's bunker is in Polis. "I… I must admit I've been avoiding it. After staying by the dropship, I just couldn't…"
There is no need for her to remind him about the week she spent at the Dropship. How she started radioing at odd hours for only a few minutes. How her words barely made sense. How she cried and told him she just wanted to rest. How she was sure, she wouldn't be able to wait for them. Every day of that week is neatly slotted with the worst of his life. Right next to the day his mother was floated, and the day Echo told him his sister was dead.
Clarke is still talking, and he has to mentally shake himself to pay attention.
"But we've gotten to Polis. There's so much rubble. I've tried making contact with the bunker, but they're silent, too. Are you and your sister conspiring against me?" That leaves him speechless, and sort of hurt. "Sorry, that was a bad one." Clarke chuckles at her terrible joke. "If I make contact with them I'll let you know right away. Don't worry, ok? Your sister is fine down there."
"Thank you, Clarke."
***
"Bell!!" It doesn't take a genius to notice how hammered she is. "Guess who found a bottle of moonshine that has somehow survived two apocalypses!" Bellamy blinks at the window. It's the middle of the night, Clarke should be sleeping." You're damn right! I have! And don't look so judgy, I waited for Madi to go to sleep before I started drinking." He shakes his head at that. "Let me tell you: Worst. Moonshine. Ever. Monty better bring me better booze because this shit isn't good enough to set a fire."
"I will."
He listens to Clarke blabbing drunkenly and imagines her lying on an open field. She asks him about the stars, naming random constellations she claims she can see, even though some of those are obviously made up.
Bellamy tells her the stories and pretends she can hear him.
***
"Bellamy? Are you still alive? I keep having this nightmare that I was too late, and you choked to death before Raven was able to open the Ring doors. And I know it's been nearly four years and that you're all cozy up there. But…"
He turns off the radio and hides in a corner like the coward he is.
***
"Bellamy? You there? I found a present for you. A welcome back present. You'll love it. Just two hundred and ninety-one days. I won't tell you what it is. You'll have to come back down to see for yourself. Don't keep me waiting."
***
"Bellamy? Can you hear me? You would be so proud of Madi; she hunted a panther on her own, which means we'll be fed for at least a week. I've got to admit; I was so scared for her." Clarke laughs, and it's the first real laugh Bellamy has heard from her since... God, it seems like forever. "But she took the shot. BAM! Right through the eyes! I'll make her a cloak for the winter with its fur. She's growing so much lately. She was so small two years ago. Now she's nearly as tall as I am. Shut up, Bellamy, I am not short. I am petite."
He hates it when she makes up his side of the conversation because it only reminds him that he's been talking to the air for four years. She still can't hear him.
***
"Bellamy? Not sure if you have been counting the days. Or if you have noticed. But it's nearly time. I can't wait."
Bellamy stares down at the schematics Raven left on the desk, the truth is written clear black on white in front of his eyes.
He still can't bring himself to accept it. No matter how often Monty and Harper and Raven and even fucking Emori, who has become an expert in tech over the past few years, tell him.
"Me neither, princess."
***
"Bellamy? We've set up camp on the most beautiful part of the planet. And we will be staying here, just waiting for you. Two more days. I can't believe it. Madi is so excited to finally meet you all!"
"You can't keep doing this to yourself," sighs Raven, looking grimly at him.
He licks his lips but doesn't dare to look the mechanic in the eye. She slams her hand on the tabletop. "Goddammit, Bellamy! Wake up! There's no way to get down!"
"I KNOW!"
"Then why don't you just stop!"
"Because!"
But there is no reason, is there? They're stranded up here, with no way to communicate with the ground, no rocket, no way to get down. They're trapped up here, prisoners in their childhood homes. And they'll die up here, inside the metal casket that once had represented the future of the human race. They'll die up here, in the darkness and the cold, away from everyone they've known.
"I know you feel guilty for leaving her behind. But this... This is torture, Bell." Raven puts a hand on his shoulder. "Clarke wouldn't want you to do this."
Bellamy looks at her, finding her deep chocolate eyes.
"Then why is she still calling?"
***
"Bellamy? We've made stew and have packed enough supplies for all seven of you on our rover. It's fully charged so we'll be able to ride to Polis as soon as you're back." she's positively giddy with excitement. Bellamy has never heard her like this before. "Tomorrow's the big day. I'll be waiting."
"Please, don't."
***
"Bellamy? What happened?"
Bellamy turns the radio off, closes the door and walks away from her voice. And it's the hardest thing he's ever had to do. But it's either that or go insane. And so, for the second time, he abandons Clarke.
In the distance, it's like he can still hear her husky, sad voice calling him.
"Where are you?"