Archive of Our Own

Please Don’t Go

I’ll catch you darling
I’ll be waiting
I am on your side
- Deadlines and Commitments, The Killers

The two figures loomed in the dark, the room lit up only by the flickering flames of the candles that had been scattered all around, a variety of colors and perfume that should have made the atmosphere more comfortable. Long from being a romantic scene, the tall and dark-haired man was merely standing behind the smaller sand-haired figure that was looking out from the window; that position gave him the opportunity to study the reflection of the other’s man face as if that was the first time that he could really see it without that mask of a smile that have been wore in every other occasion: there were lines frowning the forehead, a serious expression that was so unrealistic and uncharacteristic. At least that was what a stranger would have thought, for they had known that man to be always happy, cheerful and without a care since his life resembled a picture of perfection.

Not anymore.

Not exactly.

The dark-haired man had known that man for all his life, way back when the world wasn’t even aware of their presence: that serious expression, those lines of worry as if the weight of the world had been placed upon his shoulder, was never meant for everyone to see, especially those who had managed to gain his trust and faith. Yet, no matter how many times he had caught glimpse of that face, it still struck him how much the man looked older, much older than his almost forty years.

Wiser.

The last few weeks hadn’t been easy and the future loomed upon them with a gray and dark cloud: what had always been such a so natural task, for they had been in recording studios more hours than in their homes ironically, was now taking and resembling some sort of a medieval and ancient torture.

No one had thought that it could happen.

Not at him, anyway.

Each one of the group had always counted on him, leaned and took support from that solid rock that had managed to carry the group over the ups and downs of a career that was reaching its twentieth year of life and longevity. No one had thought that he could break under that pressure and weight. No one had bothered to notice the first cracks, those first fractures in the perfect image of someone who had everything under control and had taken the role of leader instead than being a simple follower. When they had done, when they had realized that something was utterly wrong, it had been too late and no one, now, knew exactly how to help.

The dark-haired man had his share of blame weighing down on his heart and soul: he had left, almost seven years before, because he had reached his breaking point and had to distance himself before ruining everything and every relationship; he had thought only about himself, believing that the group and its future was safe and sound in hands that have never faltered or trembled for the effort. He never cared, he never wondered how high the price of that task must have been. Now that he knew, now that he had to witness the consequences without being able to do something, he wanted to so bad to turn back the hands of times and change that course, make it easier someway and somehow.

“Are you sure that it is the best solution?”

“It’s the only one.”

The reply came in a rough voice, broken words that stole away all the air and were sucked in worry and concern. The shorter man couldn’t help but wincing at the sound of his own voice, at what his voice had turned out to be. But that wasn’t the only reason as the real one rested within the fact that pronouncing those few words hurt him and shattered away another piece of hope: it wasn’t supposed to be like that, it wasn’t supposed to worsen and worsen at that rapid rate, not when he was already doing all his best with therapy and everything.

But it hurt.

It freaking hurt, sometimes that badly that he had almost wished to lose it completely so, at least, he didn’t have to go through that torture every single second.

It burned. It burned every time he spoke, his vocal chords slammed against those muscles that were supposed to protect them, to take care of them instead than trying to suffocate them

And that was why he had taken that solution.

“It’s not the only one. It can’t be the only one.”

“I’m open to any suggestions you, or the others, might have. Until then I’d stick with mine.” At least, it was a plan although it was like jumping from a planet without even knowing if there was a parachute in his backpack.

Only silence replied, as the shorter man expected. Because there wasn’t any other plan, solution or miracle. He had thought about it over and over again, sleepless nights that hadn’t brought any comfort or wisdom but just an endless exhaustion that had set into his bones; hopeless and helpless he had searched and asked for an answer, even the smallest sign that could and would tell him that not everything was lost. Something that could promise him that he would go back to his old self and sing with no care and worry at all.

It didn’t happen. And that was the whole point of his solution, leaving to search for answers and a new cure. Leaving to search and find him once again.

“But it’s only temporary.” The deep voice underlined, a tone that didn’t and wouldn’t allow an objection.

“Yes, if I find a cure or something that actually works for me. And for the group. Otherwise…”

“No. There’s no buts or otherwise. – The interruption came even before the man could finish his sentence. It wasn’t even up for a discussion, unless they decided that it was time for everyone to hang on their microphone and go separate ways. – If you don’t find anything or if it doesn’t work, then we will come up with something to make it work. But you leaving the group isn’t an option. It’s totally unacceptable.”

“I can’t stay if I can’t sing. And I won’t stay just for pity. I’m not and I won’t be a weight.”

“You won’t be. But we need you.”

He didn’t. He knew he wasn’t that fundamental, not like he had been years before. In a way that thought was terrible, resembling that fear that had always controlled his soul and had drove him to always being perfect, to always been the one with his shit together so that he wouldn’t be left behind or put in a corner because suddenly he wasn’t needed anymore. And that was hard to accept, it was damn hard to realize that it was his time to step back and let the others take what had always been his role.

“We’ve survived without you, you’ll survive without me too. And I want you to. – The sand-haired man shook his head, a sad smile appearing upon his face. – I thought that you, more than anyone else, would understand me.”

“More than him, anyway.” A voice inside his head added in a whisper but he muted it immediately: the mere thought and memory of those eyes, their blue darkened and burning for the blown he had landed as a coward traitor, couldn’t and wouldn’t leave him alone. They kept haunting him, it was the face he saw whenever he closed his eyes or looked at the window, where that pink and red sky disappeared, just like that sun that was slowly lowering its light and leave its spot for the night and the silver moon.

Just knowing that he was hurting him was enough to make him reconsider the whole situation and just grid his teeth and keep going no matter what. But it wasn’t fair. Not to him, not to the other boys or to the fans.

“It’s not the same thing and you know it very well. – The deep and slow voice of the other man in the room stole his attention away from those thoughts. – My reasons for leaving were totally different. I was tired. I was fed up with the musical industry and I was just burn out. I chose to quit.”

Oh he knew, didn’t he? He knew that it was different but that was the lame and weak excuse he had to hold on to and use to accept the truth. And the truth was that the thought of leaving wouldn’t ever brush his mind if it hadn’t been for his problems. For that voice that had imposed a break.

The truth was that he didn’t want to leave. He had to quit. That was the truth. That was the difference between the two of them.

“I can’t stay. Not now.”

Few steps and the two men were standing next to each other, a hand was being placed on a shoulder to convey comfort and support that words couldn’t translate or bring with them. The resemblance between them was subtle and it only could be found if someone would look closely and already knowing that the two men shared a bunch of similar genes: the firm and hard features of the face, softened by a warmth and a kindness that lightened up the eyes and a magnetism that made it impossible to look away from them; lines could be found near the eyes, talking of a wisdom that didn’t quite match their age for they should have been older, much older to carry that knowledge and insight.

“You’re stubborn. Everyone knows this. He knows it. And he knows that one of the things you hate the most is when things don’t go your way.”

“What if... – The voice came out in a soft whisper, the tone that a disillusioned child would use once he realized that his wish couldn’t come true. - … what if this problem is more stubborn than me?”

A smile appeared on the other man’s face, a glance of affection painted and made the emerald green lighter and brighter.

“More stubborn than death?”

Everyone expected him to win. Everyone who knew his history expected him to bounce back as if it had only been a fall, as if he just needed a little bit of rest before returning to be what everyone expected him to be. And he didn’t want to disappoint them, he wanted so bad to live up to their expectations and never letting them down ever again; he didn’t want to disappoint the faith and the love of the two most important people in his life. And, at the end of that list, he mostly didn’t want to disappoint himself and that high level of standard that he had set up for himself long ago. He knew that it wasn’t going to be an easy fight and he had known that as soon as he had learned his diagnosis. But it was turning out to be much harder than he had believed to the point that he had realized that he couldn’t keep going on as if nothing had changed.

Not at the moment, anyway. Not for the next weeks at least.

He just wished that his partner, his lover and other half of a heart that had never been complete to start with, would understand why he had to take that decision. Why he needed to take that journey alone.

“You’re a fighter and, most of all, you’re one of the most competitive people I ever met. You don’t want to lose, not especially when there’s so much at stake. Not when it involves something that it’s part of you. We know that it’s only temporary. We might not like it but we understand why you need to do this. – Both pair of eyes, the emerald green and that blue tainted with pearls of gray, focused on the blonde man that had just slammed the door of his car and drove away as fast as possible. – He knows it too. That’s why it hurts, that’s why it’s easier to get angry at you: because he knows that there is nothing that he can do to fix you. And you should know how much it’s hard when you want to help the one we love but we can’t.”

“He’s not scared that I might quit the group.” Brian commented in a sad voice. His heart was held captive by a tight gripe, as if some kind of monster had found its way to crawl inside and now just wanted to dry him, suck every inch of life and blood and leaving him with only pain and ache for his other half. Oh, it wasn’t like he hadn’t been prepared to Nick’s reaction because he had known that, out of everyone, he was going to be the one least happy with that decision. He knew how he was going to react, he knew that he would take it personally especially because he had expected to be told first.

And maybe that was the reason why Brian hadn’t said anything in the last days, why he had kept it a secret until it had been too late to try to change his mind. And maybe that was the reason why he had told him with everyone else because Nick was the only one, the only thing able to stop him and make him staying. It would have taken just one soft “we can find something else” and all of his plans would have been thrown in the wind.

“Then what is he scared of?”

Brian knew the answer. It had been so plain, so clear as if Nick had pulled out a sign with glitter words painted on it. Brian knew and that had been half of the reasons why he almost didn’t go through with his plan and decision: that answer was an intricate web of doubts and thoughts that had kept him awake, pondering if he should go through with it or if he should just pray a little more, try a little more or not try anymore. It couldn’t be the right decision, Brian had resolved, if it meant the chance to hurt Nick somehow.

That was the last thing he had ever wanted. And so he had stalled, so he had avoided bringing up why he was spending more and more time making phone calls without never revealing who or what they were about. So he waited until the last moment to tell him, thinking that it would hurt him less if only he could just explain the whole situation.

But, at the end, that was what happened. Brian had hurt Nick, doing the same exact thing he had promised to himself he was never going to do ever again.

“Nick is scared that I’d leave him behind again.” Brian didn’t add the other thoughts that were running like mad inside his mind. Brian didn’t add how Nick was scared that Brian didn’t need him, or ever needed him, and that was just the biggest lie in the world universe: it was the whole opposite, Brian had come to need Nick so badly that the thought scared him. Terrified him because it wasn’t like him, he had never been that needy and so dependent person that couldn’t even get his own shit together or needed his hand to be hold while going through exams or doctor’s visits.

Brian wanted to find himself but that didn’t mean that he was going to leave Nick again, abandoning him like he had done years and years before. Did Nick really believe that he was still capable of doing it? Did Nick really believe that he could go back to living in a world where he wasn’t its sun and its moon?

“But you aren’t leaving him right? You aren’t breaking up with him.” Kevin couldn’t help the defensive and protective note within his voice, although his concern wasn’t directed only to the victim of those statements. Last time had been enough, last time had almost destroyed both of them, although almost everyone only cared and notices the hurt inside Nick’s eyes. Almost everyone missed those glimpse of sadness that Brian hadn’t been able to hide behind his mask: leaving Nick had almost destroyed him and Kevin knew for sure that Brian was going to bear that guilty and blame for his whole life.

“No, of course not! – Brian exclaimed, not even caring if that tone hurt and seemed like as thousands pins had been nailed to his vocal chords. – I’m not going to leave him. I love him.”

“Then just give him the time to cool down and realize that he was being his overdramatic self as always. He will understand.”

Brian could only hope it. Brian could only wish to, at least, being able to fix that ragged part of his life.  He might not being able to fix his voice and everything linked to it, but he was determined to fix this.

To fix him and Nick.

*********

The house was drowning in a cold ice silence, a frozen chill that swept inside Nick’s veins the moment he set foot inside it. It was as if Brian’s presence had been already concealed away, made it disappear without leaving behind any traces. Gone were his perfume, gone was his presence around the rooms, too perfect and too clean.

A sob tried to escape his lips and, for a fragment of a second, Nick wanted to let it free: at least he wouldn’t hurt that badly, at least the pain would be able to find a way to disappear from within his soul. But he threw it back where it belonged, that deep and infinite void that was taking up more space as time passed by.

Alone.

But he had to get used to it, didn’t he? Brian was going for six weeks, six bloody weeks. No warning. No discussion. He made the decision and now Nick had to just deal with it, as if they had never been a couple or hadn’t promised each other to stand together and united no matter what.

Bullshit. He should have known better.

Nick walked to the kitchen and opened the fridge just for the sake of doing something. Just to tell himself that it wasn’t happening and that it was just a nightmare_ he would wake up and there Brian would be, scolding him like a little child because he had forgotten to put the groceries in the right order.

But it wasn’t a nightmare.

Tons and tons of food were staring back at him, their colors and freshness a painful reminder of what was going to happen, no matter how hard he wished it would be the opposite. Yet, though, a sad smile managed to appear on his face as his heart swelled up with a beat of butterfly’s wings: that was his Brian, the man who had taken reins of their domestic life and put everything in order; that was his Brian, always ready to take care of him and making sure that he wouldn’t be left at his own devices. Because the truth was that Nick was a total disaster inside the kitchen. And outside too. He would always forget where vegetables and fruits were supposed to go, ending up with rotten food that had to be thrown out.

Then something caught his sight and attention.

It was a simple post-it, Brian’s handwriting filling the empty spaces in a bright pink. That man loved pink way too much that it was almost adorable and cute. Who he was kidding? Nick loved every little trait, every little weirdness contained inside that small man. And that post-it, the thought and meaning behind it, was just another reason to add up to that infinite list of things that Nick loved about Brian.

Those things that were going to make that distance and absence even heavier and impossible to bear.

“I can’t leave without making sure that you will be feed for the next six weeks. This food should be enough but, if you find yourself in a case of emergency, Rochelle and Kristin are more than willing to make sure that you’ll eat. Remember to take your vitamins too and do indulge, from time to time, with a little bit of comfort food. I know, I know what you are about to object but some ice – cream from time to time isn’t going to send you back to your old self. I’m 100% sure of it so you should just believe and trust me, okay?”

Nick took that piece of paper and held it tightly between his fingers, torn and not knowing if he should be angry, because how Brian dared to leave those messages when he was going to leave him, and still touched and loved by that gesture.

Why hadn’t they talked about it?

Still with the post-it in his hand, Nick wondered around the house, trying to see if Brian had left him other instructions or reminders. Of course he did and that left Nick more and more confused, frustrated and guilty.

“As much as I love pink, and wear it too, try to remember to separate your clothes in those rare occasions you’ll decide to do laundry. I wrote down all the various combinations so, please, try not to do it on your own. Although you have so many clothes that you can probably wait until I’m back if you don’t want to do it.

And yes. I’ll be back. I’m not leaving you.”

He wanted to believe it. Oh, Nick wanted to believe it so badly!

But he couldn’t. His old ghosts didn’t want him to believe that this time, with Brian, was going to be different from the last one. His own experience and that hurt that still lingered in the background, whispering and taunting as if it had shifted into a human figure. Invisible, but still there by his side.

Various post – its had been scattered all around the house, small hints of a love that was supposed to be bigger and more powerful than whatever life and fate decided to thrown: reminds about how things were supposed to run or how many times Nick had to water the plants otherwise they would be dead in a matter of days; memories of things that now throbbed around the heart, echoes of scenes that had the taste and felt like coming out from movies or books: Brian’s presence was there, intoxicating and a double sword, both reassuring and painful.

Nick left their bedroom for last. Everything was in perfect order as always, his morning mess had been cleaned and, just for a moment, Nick wanted nothing more than launch a chaos there, disrupt everything just like Brian had done. Instead Nick walked closer to the bed, the last rays of a warm summer day crashing down the bed that had seen so many promised and had been a witness of that blooming love: a note had been left, of course. Nick already knew it and his heart started to beat a little faster and a little bit more painfully.

“I know this bed is going to be too much bigger and too much colder. I’m gonna miss you so bad. I know what you are wondering: why do you have to leave if it’s going to hurt both of us? But you’ll understand, I hope. You’ll understand that, as much as you can take strength and belief from someone else’s, sometimes you need to go and search for your own potion. Sometimes you’ll have to be your own savior, your own superhero but... well, the most important weapon is going to be knowing that you are still here, taking care of everything and rooting for me. Can you do it? Can you root for me?”  

Nick sat down on the bed, his hand held on tight those words as tears started to threaten to come down.

And, after an infinite quantity of time, there was where Brian found Nick when he finally managed to find the courage to go back home and face him. He stood at the doorstep, watching that silent figure and wondering, once again, if he was really doing the right thing. If it hurt that much, if he was hurting his other half so much, maybe it wasn’t the best thing.

Maybe there was some other option that he still hadn’t found and considered.

Yet, staying still felt like choosing torture. He dreaded going to the recording studio, panic attacks had already lined up themselves every time it had been his turn to sing. Or to try to sing, because the results had always been embarrassing and shaming. Once he loved singing. Once he loved stepping into that building and watching magic being unfold and happen. Now he just wanted to hide, he just wanted to stay under the blankets and wait for that nightmare to finally end.

Brian closed his hand into a fist, his nails digging painfully into the skin. He hated himself. He hated who he had become and, most of all, he hated showing Nick that version of himself. So, in a twisted and contorted way, leaving and embark that journey wasn’t just something he was doing for himself but it was also for Nick. It was also to save that relationship before it would crumble down, before Nick would grow tired of his issues and leave him for something better.

For someone better.

For someone healthy and able to take care of him.

“You promised. – Nick’s tone tore the tension, his gaze never raising up and meeting Brian’s. But he knew he was there. - You swore that you wouldn’t do it ever again.”

“I’m not... – Brian shook his head, as if he wanted to shake those words away. Or that persistent ache inside his throat. – I didn’t break it. I’m not leaving you.”

Seconds of silence passed between them, the air thick with a tension that had been waiting to blow up for days. Or weeks.

“But you’re leaving.”

Nick had tried to understand. He had tried to put himself into Brian’s shoes and tried to comprehend why Brian was doing all of that. But he hadn’t been able to find a fair reason to leave everything just like that.

To leave him as if he was just a toy.

It wasn’t really fair, a part of him had tried to reason with him. It wasn’t fair because Nick knew how far Brian’s love for him ran deep and how he would never do the same mistake again. But it didn’t matter, it wasn’t so much of help when half of himself was curled up with the fear, tangible and painful, to be left behind as always. To be considered nothing more than someone to share the bed with but not the overwhelming pressure and weight that Brian was carried around on his shoulders.

Why couldn’t he go with him?

Why couldn’t he be there for him, kissing away the sadness when days would be hard and difficult?

He was hurt. It fucking hurt. Being rejected like that, feeling useless and like he couldn’t fix whatever was wrong with his lover. And so the anger and the rage had started to boil within his veins. And so old demons had started to come out from their hiding places and stand beside him, whispering words that had all the time to plant their seeds and watch them grow.

Brian walked closer to where Nick was sitting, crouching down so he could be at his same level. “I’m not leaving you.” He repeated once again, trying to set his voice on a dead serious tone.

“It does feel like it.”

“But it’s not.”

“Then why don’t you want me with you?”

“Because... because I have to do it on my own.”

“Why? – Nick asked, not caring if he was sounding like a petulant child. – Why are you always so set about not needing my help?”

An old reply was already starting to form on Brian’s lips, an old echo of a past that wasn’t really gone and it still lingered in the back of his mind. Wasn’t he used to it? Wasn’t he used to do everything on his own, using strength and energy that he didn’t even know he had? Hadn’t he been left alone when he had needed them, Nick, the most? But it wasn’t like that anymore, albeit it was still hard for him to come to terms with that part of his soul that wanted to be independent and strong. Tough. Able to withstand everything that life decided to throw him, able to take care of everyone around him without never have them worried about his own well being. It wasn’t like that anymore because he had forgiven Nick, he had understood what happened and had pushed all his resentment somewhere deep inside, deeper and deeper so it would never be able to come up and taint his sanity and life anymore. And yet, some parts of that broken heart still lingered on the surface, forcing this new Brian to fight and prove to everyone that he could make it on his own. Without everyone’s help.

Without Nick’s help.

But it wasn’t like that anymore. Love had shattered that veil of invincibility and stubbornness; love had shaped another soul, eased the broken parts and brought to life a need and a desire to be helped, to be saved and fixed that had always scared Brian.

And, perhaps, that was another reason for that lonely journey he wanted so badly to begin.

“It’s the completely opposite, Nicky. – The nickname fell from Brian’s lips in a warm and rounded southern accent, that kind of voice that had always managed to make Nick’s heart skip a beat and swell with love and proud. Now it made his heart tightened up, wondering if he would be able to hear it again of if it was going to be another last time. – I need you more than I could even start to describe or comprehend. I need you like I’ve never needed anyone else in my life. And it scares me.”

“Why? Am I so irresponsible? Am I so bad that you can’t even consider about asking my help? – Nick’s voice took a high – pitched curve, frustration and resentment latched between notes and question marks. – Am I that useless that you have to leave without even talking and discussing with me? Why, Brian? Why are you doing this if you keep saying that you need me?”

It was hard. It was one of the hardest things Brian had to do and, for a moment, his resolution started to falter as doubts filled his heart and mind. Was it really the best option? Why was he running away? And yet, somewhere deep inside, a small voice kept remanding him that he needed to do it or everything would fall apart, or his own frustrations and shattered confidence would taint and ruin that perfect thing they, he and Nick, had started to build together.

But making Nick understand this... Brian sighed as he placed one hand upon Nick’s thigh while the other cupped his face. That hurt and pained light in Nick’s blue eyes turned into  sharp knives that went directly straight through his heart, making it bleed and clench painfully.

“You know that I’m not good with all of this... with asking someone else for help. Telling you what I was going through, how desperate and weak I feel every day... it made me so ashamed because that isn’t the Brian you fell in love with. It’s not neither the Brian you keep telling I am, that brave soldier that walks always so proudly in your eyes. And that’s why I need to go. I need to find myself again. I need to find if that Brian still exists.”

Nick wanted to take Brian for the shoulders and shake him until he could put some sense into his brain. It was true, he had fallen in love with that pillar of strength, that lighthouse that had always showed him which one was the right road to follow; the Brian he had admired, the Brian he had looked up to, secretly desired to breath his scent in and cover behind his shield would had never trembled and shivered in that way. That Brian would had never looked down as if he had done something terrible, only because he couldn’t live up to the standard everyone expected from him.

But that Brian wasn’t the Brian Nick loved now, someone who had finally came down from that throne and had managed to strip down all those layers and all those defenses that had never let anyone else notice what lie behind that smile. Nick loved the way Brian had finally managed to turn to him when things weren’t going as smoothly as he hoped, when sadness couldn’t be shook away and…

Nick let out s frustrated sigh, more like damning himself because he hadn’t paid more attention: the signs had been there for quite some time, the proof that something wasn’t right had been there in front of him but he had never really questioned it. He had never called Brian out, afraid of what could might happen.

Afraid that he could lose him. Forever.

Funny how it was going to happen, albeit for just six weeks that seemed more like eternity and an endless time to be apart.

“Why can’t I help you? Look into my eyes and you’ll know that you can’t ever be lost. – Nick said, reaching a hand out and caressing some hair away from Brian’s forehead. – Isn’t what you told me?”

“It’s not fair using my words against me.” Brian replied with a hint of a warm smile.

“All is fair in love.”

“Not this time. I know I should have told you earlier. I know we should have discussed it like a couple and I will be forever sorry for this. But...”

“But?”

“I was afraid. I was scared.”

“Scared of what? Of me getting angry? Of me being mad at you?”

“I didn’t want to do it. I don’t want to do it, I don’t want to go through exams and doctors… I thought that period of my life was finally over. And… I know now it was stupid and an illusion but I convinced myself that if I didn’t say anything, if I closed my eyes and wait until the last second to tell you this, maybe I would wake up and find out that it wasn’t really happening.”

A muffled and strangled cry  bubbled up inside Nick’s throat but didn’t have a chance to come out and explain what was going inside his mind and soul. Good Lord, how could he have missed all of this? How could he have been so blind?

“I’m sorry. – Brian’s soft whisper broke the silence and Nick’s recriminations towards himself. – I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for letting everyone else down and...”

Nick didn’t let Brian finish, especially because he couldn’t bear hearing that broken and shattered tone. It didn’t matter anymore how much he hated that situation, those demons and fears didn’t and couldn’t matter anymore because he finally understood that Brian never wanted to hurt him once again. He still left out. He still felt useless but another realization was slowly building a wall inside his mind: as much as he wanted to be there for him, as much as he wanted to take all of that pain away, Nick finally acknowledged that he couldn’t do it.

Nick’s lips captured Brian’s in a kiss that wasn’t and couldn’t be gentle and tender. There was an underlying desperation in those touches, there was the desire to prove something that couldn’t be said with words and out loud, for their meaning was heavier and deeper, it reached a level where only hearts and souls had the key to uncover it. A bitter taste stayed in the background, a salty water that Nick urged to disappear, tears shouldn’t be alive on that skin and on that face that had always managed to make him feel like he wasn’t alone anymore. One of Brian’s hand took the helm of Nick’s shirt, forcing the other boy to adjust and come closer, as much closer as their positions allowed them to be; Nick’s hand circled Brian’s neck, his thumb caressing his skin and drawing circles and words that poured out from him like a waterfall that couldn’t be stopped.

Time stopped when they broke apart, foreheads touching and lips that still didn’t want not to touch or simply lick away those tears that had ruined and made that moment more bittersweet than what it was already. Time waited, anticipation building up with the sound of heartbeats that could be heard in the silence of the room.

“Don’t go.”

“I have to.”

“I know. – Nick replied with a painful tone. His thumb kept caressing the back of Brian’s neck, maybe not so much to comfort him but more to comfort himself. To remember how that skin felt underneath his fingertips, how everything felt more normal and with so much more sense when they were together. – I know. But I don’t like it.”

“I’ll be back.”

“I know. You’ve only left me with food for just six weeks.”

A wet laughter escaped Brian’s lips, shortly captured by Nick’s lips in a brief and shorter kiss.

“I can’t let you starve then.”

“No, you can’t. Think about all those fans that would be devastated and heartbroken.”

“You’re always so selfless.”

“Always.”

“I will call. – Brian said, his tone turning into a serious note. – I’ll call every day.”

“You better. But promise me something more.”

“What?”

“Promise that you won’t hesitate to call for help if something is wrong. Or if you feel like you can’t go on. – Nick asked and pleaded, as an old memory swept away all his thoughts and demanded to be taken in consideration. – Remember when I went in rehab? Remember how I didn’t want everyone else to know where I was?”

“Of course I do.” Brian answered, He couldn’t forget that period, no matter how much he wished it had never happened. Maybe that was one of his countless problems, how he could never forget anything and words kept playing over and over inside his mind, taunting and reminding him each one of his mistakes.

And Nick had always been one of his biggest mistake, all those scars he had carved into his soul just because he had been afraid. Just because he hadn’t want to accept that part of him, that biggest part of him, that loved him more than anyone else in the world.

It hadn’t been easy. That low period. The words screamed, launched at each other as if they were knives. The anger, that mask they used because it was still too raw, too dangerous to show their true feeling and emotions.

Nick caressed Brian’s face with one fingertip, smiling sadly because he still didn’t want to think about that period, that life before Brian happened. “I got through it because I know there was something waiting for me. Someone, even if back then we still weren’t each other’s half. I knew that I had to get better because I wanted that something to happen. And, even if we weren’t talking or speaking, I still knew that you would have come and get me if I had called.”

Brian didn’t answer. He just leaned over and kissed Nick once again, another time and another one, until their lips were swollen and trembled with each other’s taste. “I’ll be back.”

“Do you have to go now?”

“No. I can leave tomorrow morning. There’s no rush.” Brian replied shaking his head and, taking Nick’s hand into his, he slowly got up and got on the bed. Nick followed every step, lying down by Brian’s side and, almost immediately, wrapping his arms around his small waist so that there couldn’t be any space for distance of emptiness.

Time slipped into a silent and quiet peace where minutes and seconds stretched up to infinity and nothing really seemed to get into that bubble, wrapped around the couple on the bed. Fingertips and lips just lost themselves in an ocean of caresses and touches, kisses from a butterfly that just left no trace of its passage.  Blue gazed into blue, blonde hair mixed themselves with a honey shade and limbs intertwined themselves until it was almost to impossible to divide and distinguish one from another.

“I do, you know?” Nick whispered, breaking that comfortable silence that was surrounding the couple.

“You do what?” Brian asked back, smiling faintly as he brushed his nose against Nick’s cheek.

“I’m rooting for you. – Nick replied, looking straight into Brian’s eyes with so much confidence that Brian felt overwhelmed, intoxicated with so much love and faith. – I’m rooting for us.”

Brian’s lips travelled down Nick’s jaw line, pausing for a second at the corner of his mouth, before caressing those red lines of skin. It meant the world hearing those world, it meant the universe knowing that, no matter what, there was always going to be someone ready to pick him up if and when things would go sour.

“Thank you.” Only two words flew out, stepping into the fresh air and then disappearing out of the window. Only two words and, yet, they implied so many other things that Nick had to stop for one second and gather them inside, put them to safety so that he could study them later and let them be part of his soul.

Nick still didn’t like. Brian still didn’t like it but it was what it was and there was no reason to keep fighting, discussing or being afraid. He had to go and Nick had to let him go. That was love, sometimes: letting a part of you go away, setting them free because it was the only option left, and being sure, believing and having faith that they would come back.

And Brian would always come back to Nick, no matter what.