Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I enjoy my mornings. I lie in bed awake until it’s light enough to get up, and then I make my bed and practice t’ai chi ch’uan.

When I lived at the brothel, there was only one other person who awoke so early. He was an elderly man who worked in the gardens. In the mornings, when I was still young enough for him to see me as a granddaughter, he taught me the solo forms.

I do this every morning, gathering chi from the six directions, but paying special attention to the East.

I love these movements. I am good at them. For the longest time, they were the only things in my life that I could control. There are one hundred and eight steps, but they are repeats of each other, so it’s not that complicated. They flow into each other, so that I haven’t had to think about the order for years. I just think about how they feel, visualizing the flow of the chi within my body. It’s the only time during the day that I’m honestly not thinking about… the things that I don’t want to think about.

I love that their names are so beautiful. They describe exactly what they are. I like Hand Strums the Lute, Grasp Bird’s Tail, and Carry Tiger to the Mountain. And then Bend Bow Shoot Tiger! I also like Wave Hands like Clouds and Jade Lady Works Shuttles and Needle at Sea Bottom.

But my favorites are White Crane Spreads Wings and Step Back Seven Stars.

Step Back Seven Stars is meaningful to me because it reminds me of how thankful I am to be Soi instead of Kaen.

White Crane Spreads Wings is meaningful because it makes me think that at least one creature in the world understands what has happened to me. I raise my arm gracefully, spreading my wings, and then, just like the crane… I fold them and never fly away.

This particular morning went very well. As always, I had plenty of time to dress. I like to fix my hair and makeup by myself, and I’ve found that I have to get up early if I want to avoid my maid’s help. When He sent for me, I was already set for my day.

Of course, He didn’t want sex or anything. He just wanted to talk about battle strategies.

I feel so honored that he trusts me with His plans. And that He respects my judgment enough to ask my opinion. Tomo, Miboshi, and I are the only people that He consults. Well, except for His Majesty. But that’s only nominal.

All this was before breakfast.

After I ate, I went outside to one of the gardens, where I was supposed to meet Suboshi. I was teaching him to control his telekinetic powers. It’s my job, not because I’m particularly experienced with telekinesis, but because He and Tomo didn’t want to deal with “the brats”. I had been Amiboshi's teacher, too, but he had left some time ago.

I feel responsible for those boys. I’ve known for a long time that I will never be able to marry and have sons and daughters like other women do, but I still want that. I like taking care of people. I sometimes imagine that I’m the mother of this brutal family, that Nakago is the father, and that the twins are my children. Goodness knows nobody else is looking out for them. I only wish they would be more careful of themselves. I’ve defended them to Nakago and Tomo so many times that if they get into any more trouble, it will be on my head.

Suboshi was not in the garden, so I went to his room. He is addicted to sleeping in, so I figured that I would have to drag him from his bed and force him outside. I was surprised that he wasn’t there.

After ten minutes, I decided he wasn’t worth looking for, and that I would enjoy my free morning. Since Suboshi is supposed to have lessons with Tomo after he’s finished with me, I decided I’d better tell Tomo that he was missing. I had to debate with myself. I despise Tomo, and he’s made it quite clear that I disgust him, but there’s no sense in causing any more dissonance than necessary. After a moment of reflection, I decided to send the message with one of the servants. I chose a girl. I would never willingly send a boy near Tomo.

I decided to spend my free morning running errands. Of course, I know that anything I want—within reason—will be supplied by the palace staff. But there are things that I prefer to buy for myself. For example, I don’t trust anyone else with my cosmetics. Shopping is a chore—I hate the way people stare at me—but I get through it like I get through everything else: by sheer force of will.

I went to my room to get money. There wasn’t very much of it.

I’m not given a very big allowance. Nakago says that if I need anything, I can ask Him for it. But I really hate to do that. He’s so often in a bad mood, and I’m afraid to ask for something that might make Him upset. He’s extremely stressed. I hate to make it worse for Him.

Really, the allowance I’m given isn’t enough, so I make do without a lot of things that would make my life easier. For example, I never entertain. It’s hard, because I feel as though I can’t have friends, because I can’t afford to return kindnesses. I was invited to tea with one of the harem ladies last week, but I said I was busy because I knew I wouldn’t be able to reciprocate. Well, it’s not likely that we would have become friends anyway.

At first, I thought maybe I could work for more money, but Nakago said it was beneath me. I thought I could learn to do something decent and honorable—like weaving or something—but He needs me to be available for His needs and to baby-sit the twins, so I wouldn’t have time for any sort of lessons.

So, when I need more money, I have to ask Him for it. But don’t misunderstand, it’s not because He’s controlling or anything—anyway, I don’t mind. It makes sense that He would be in charge of things like that. I should be more careful with my money. It would be wrong to spend the Emperor’s money on things like bon-bons and soaps.

I took what little I had and went into the city. I’m not allowed to leave without three guards—Nakago is concerned for my safety, unnecessarily I think, but I don’t want to turn down such a sweet gesture.

It was a long morning, and I had to resist several beautiful things I would have liked to have. We didn’t return until mid-afternoon. I wasn’t hungry at midday, but I forced myself to eat something that I bought from a vendor in the city.

I was returning to my room when I first saw Seiryuu no miko. She was walking down a hallway, accompanied by three serving girls, and I only saw her for a moment. She didn’t look at me at all. But I knew exactly who she was—a seishi always knows her miko, in the same way she can sense another seishi nearby.

Seiryuu no miko was very beautiful and very young. She radiated bitterness and defeat, but that is not unusual for us here in the Kutou palace.

Nakago had informed Miboshi, Tomo, and me of our miko’s presence—in strictest confidence, of course—but none of us had been allowed to meet her yet. He said He didn’t think it was necessary, that it would likely overwhelm her, and that He would introduce us when it became important for her to know us. For now, our job was to serve her by following the orders that she and He had decided together to give.

I had known—and I think Tomo and Miboshi knew, too—who was the real force behind the charade. I still don’t know what His ultimate purpose is, but just being allowed to help him reach it...

I wish He felt enough confidence in me to trust me with his plans. It's an irrefutable fact that I’m completely loyal and dependable, but I suppose I have not been adequately communicating this to Him.

I wondered when I saw our miko if she were at all as I had imagined her. I don’t mean the way she looked or where she came from, of course—I had never bothered envisioning the details. It’s just that I was a little lonely, since I was surrounded all the time by men and boys. I had hoped that we could be friends. It would have been nice to have someone again with whom I could gossip and in whom I could confide. For example, there are certain topics of interest to me that would disgust Tomo, titillate Suboshi, and give Miboshi blackmail fodder.

After bathing, I returned to my room and dressed. Then I sat in front of my mirror and waited to see if He would send for me. I lead a very straightforward life.

He did send for me.

I am very good at what I do. In this, I take some pride. Well, at least, I think that I’m good at it. Other people have said so. Nakago has never complimented my technique or my attitude or my looks, so sometimes I wonder if I am pleasing him at all. He continues to send for me, though, so I must not be displeasing him.

I hate myself for being a whore. I hate myself for being worthless at everything except sex. I hate myself for what I’ve done and what I will continue to do.

But at least I serve some purpose here. And... I'm ashamed to say... I love what I do.

I don’t know you. You may or may not have any idea of what I mean, but… That look. It’s that look on the face of the man that you love that makes it worth it. Acts that constitute sin and destroy your self-respect and your future can be totally excused by that momentary widening of the eyes and parting of the lips.

Later, after I had bathed again, I went in to scold Suboshi for missing training. He was still not in his room, although it was much too late for him to be out. I checked with the servants, who said he had been out all day.

I composed my scariest angry face and sat down on his bed to wait for him.

He didn’t make it back until well after the sun had set, and he was completely inebriated. He didn’t even notice that I was in the room until he had shut the door and started undressing. I couldn’t believe it. Did he not understand what happens to me when Nakago finds out that he or his brother has done something reckless?

“Suboshi!” I said furiously, rising from the bed. “What do you think you are doing? Where were you all day today? How dare you behave so irresponsibly?!”

I went on to scold him for about ten minutes, backing him onto his bed and forcing him to sit while I yelled. I demanded to know where he had been and what he had been doing. I reminded him that his behavior reflected upon me, and that, if that didn’t make him think twice, he should think about his brother. At the mention of Amiboshi, I felt a twinge of guilt, but I hid it.

Suboshi didn’t seem affected by my ranting, except to be a little cowed. He stared at me sort of dreamily. I think he was sober enough to understand me, but he was still extremely giddy. Once I let him start speaking, he talked incoherently for a long time about what he had been doing. If I understood correctly, he had spent the entire day terrorizing villagers, eating too much, drinking, smoking opium, and buying things on credit.

I swear to Seiryuu, that child is crazy.

It was his wild spending habits that made me angrier than anything else. How could he not understand the financial situation we were in? I had explained it to him multiple times. Anything he spends comes out of what Nakago allows for me. I try to be generous with what I give to Suboshi, but I have things that I need to buy for myself. Legitimate, grown-up things!

Suboshi looked too wild to understand what I was saying. Interrupting me, he held out his right hand to me and put something in my palm. “I bought this for you,” he said sweetly, looking at me with saccharine eyes.

It was a necklace. I knew immediately how much it had cost, because I had been looking at it earlier in one of the jewelry shops in the city. It was beautiful.

I looked at him, speechless with wonder and indignation. I must have looked very amusing, because he started laughing at my face. All I could do was shake my head and laugh, too.

I made him get into bed, and I sat with him, hoping he would fall asleep. He just kept talking and talking, though, so I finally just told him to shut up and left.

I had a hard time falling asleep, too. I often lie awake, sometimes almost until dawn. I’m usually nervous about sleeping, because I have unpleasant dreams: elaborate, detailed images of the most dangerous or humiliating moments in my past. They come during the second half of the night, usually, and each time I awaken and fall back asleep, I dream the same thing again.

I wouldn’t exactly call them nightmares. Nightmares are about things like being eaten by a wild tiger or falling through endless space, not about things that have already happened to you.

I heard Suboshi quiet down long before I fell asleep.

I woke up to a huge crash. It was dark in my room except for the faint starlight from the open window. Suboshi was standing in my doorway, ryuuseisui spinning crazily, surrounded by hundreds of wood splinters that used to be my door.

I sat up with a shriek. “WHY ARE YOU IN MY ROOM?” I yelled at him, at the same moment as he yelled, “ARE YOU OKAY?”

We looked at each other for a minute.

I took a deep breath. “Suboshi, please explain to me why you have just broken down my door.”

He looked confused. “I heard you screaming.”

“I wasn’t screaming,” I said.

“Yes, you were,” he insisted. “I could hear you. You were making all kinds of noises, too, like you were kicking things or hitting your arms on the wall.”

“Why would I be thrashing around and screaming in my own bed?” I asked. This was ridiculous.

“I don’t know.” He looked affronted. “How am I supposed to know why you do what you do? I just thought I would check and make sure you weren’t being raped or murdered.” He ended with a tiny tinge of sarcasm.

“Go back to bed,” I said. “As you can see, I am fine. Do you know how much it will cost to repair that door? Next time, why don’t you just turn the handle?”

He had the good sense to look abashed.

Before I could voice my forgiveness, Tomo appeared behind him in the doorway, still in his make-up. He raised an eyebrow at me. “What’s going on in here?” he asked, his voice slick with insinuation. “Couldn’t wait ‘til morning, huh?” he asked Suboshi.

I’m sure that Suboshi did not pick up on his meaning, but I did.

“Well,” he said as he sauntered away, “next time you decide to continue your lessons after dark, please be quieter. I can hear your screams all the way down the hall, Soi-chan.”

I blushed furiously.

“Go back to bed!” I ordered Suboshi in a very serious tone. For once, the boy obeyed immediately.

Now I was worried. Suboshi may be a little thoughtless, but he’s not delusional. And Tomo had clearly heard something, too. Obviously, somebody had been screaming. I got up, dressing hurriedly and lighting a candle. I moved my fingers quickly, gathering a ball of energy in my hand.

I carefully checked the entire wing of the palace, noting the exits. I had to make sure everyone was all right. Miboshi was sleeping safely. Tomo was locked in his room, reading. Suboshi was in bed, although not asleep yet. I made him get up and lock his door. I walked outside to check the surrounding gardens, too, always keeping an eye on the door to make sure no one snuck in behind me.

Once I was satisfied that there was no one dangerous around, I began investigating for signs of an intruder. Frustratingly, nothing was out of place or in any way unusual except for my shattered door.

I stood guard until dawn, when I called for a servant to take over. Then I requisitioned one of the guest rooms, locked the door, and flung myself into bed, exhausted.

I slept until mid-morning. I managed to get back into my room for some clothes and make up before the builders came to fix my door. Immediately after I had made myself presentable, I ordered that more guards be stationed around our wing. I endured some ill-spirited prodding about why Seiryuu seishi couldn’t take care of themselves. When I got tired of it, I snapped at the captain of the guard, who is technically under me in the palace hierarchy. Even seishi can’t be expected to stay awake all night.

I had no desire to eat.

That afternoon, I forced Suboshi out to the garden to work on combat maneuvers. We worked on defensive moves. He is terrible at defending himself; he always leaves himself wide open to attack. I pummeled him over and over again until I realized that he was paying even less attention than usual. Then I decided we should work on offensive moves.

He had improved very much in the last few weeks, at least as far as concentrated attacks went. I almost wish his brother had been there to witness his progress. In fact, I suggested that Suboshi allow me to write Amiboshi a note on his arm, complimenting him on his little brother’s accomplishment.

The little brother refused, though. Apparently, Amiboshi was very busy, implementing the last step of the Plan. No wonder Suboshi had been so distracted. He was obviously worried about his brother.

I was a little jealous. Nobody had informed me that the Plan had almost come to fruition.

I tried to put him through a few more exercises before finally giving up in exasperation. “What is the matter with you today?” I asked. “Are you concerned for your brother?”

He sighed, letting his ryuuseisui fall to the ground. “Well, yeah,” he said. “And also I’ve been thinking a lot about Seiryuu no miko.”

“Seiryuu no miko? Why on earth are you thinking about her all of a sudden?”

“Nakago-sama introduced me to her this morning,” he said dreamily. “And, Soi, you have no idea… She’s absolutely the most beautiful, other-worldly being I have ever met. And she thinks I'm worthless.” His wistfulness melted into choked pouting.

Now I was especially jealous. “Why did Nakago introduce you to Seiryuu no miko?” I asked in an unkind tone.

“It was to help explain the Plan,” he said wearily. “...Soi?”

“Yes?”

“I have this awful feeling about my brother…”

I told him to go inside and take a break. He looked at me in confusion and then started wandering across the lawn, looking mournful. Finally he just sat on the grass, holding his head in his hands.

Rolling my eyes, I ran after him, and began nudging him with my foot, alternately coaxing and threatening him. Seizing him by the arm, I forced him back into the palace to wait for the news from Konan.

I sat with him for a little while, telling him that I was sure nothing would go wrong with the Plan and that his brother would be fine.

I knew of course that Amiboshi was in mortal danger and that he had no chance against six seishi and their miko. I had seen Tamahome when he was at the palace, and he alone could kill Amiboshi in a fair fight. I also figured he could be beaten by the fire-wielding one. In addition, Tomo and I had lent our powers to Nakago against the Suzaku sorcerer, and he very nearly overcame our combined shield.

For goodness sake, Nakago only sent Amiboshi because he was expendable. Well, there is that whole twin-mind-meld thing, but that just made the choice easier.

I knew that he would be killed, unless something shockingly unexpected happened. Suboshi was the only one who didn’t know it. I always made sure I spoke hopefully about the subject, and even that repulsive Tomo wouldn’t be cruel enough to insinuate such a thing to the boy’s little brother. Thank the gods I had been able to distract Miboshi from making observations on the matter.

I only prayed that Amiboshi would be able to ruin the summoning of Suzaku before he was killed.

I was so proud of Amiboshi. Of course, he was already pretty capable when he came to me, but we worked very hard together, and by the time he left the palace, I was very happy with his skills.

When Amiboshi’s ki vanished, I closed my eyes.

I left Suboshi alone after that. I went to find Miboshi and Tomo to inform them of what had happened, although I was sure they’d already know. Really, I just didn’t want them to bother Suboshi for a while.

I wished I could have teleported to Konan and saved him, but Nakago wouldn’t have allowed it. He had already decided that it was best to hide our existence from the Suzaku seishi as long as possible. The Plan called for us to reveal ourselves one at a time, as necessary. Nakago felt that this would maximize their terror. Tomo and I both felt, as we discussed later, that it would be better for us to reduce our weaknesses by carrying out missions in groups. But, as I said earlier, Nakago is much more experienced in these matters. And, even if Nakago were wrong, both of us would do anything for Him.

I felt a horrible empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I hadn’t eaten at all that day, and I thought that I might feel better if I ate, but I wanted to feel empty. I was afraid of the empty feeling going away too soon, of not feeling bad, of not missing Amiboshi. I tried to imagine what Suboshi was feeling, but this exercise just made me feel guilty. I wish I would have warned him so that he could have had a few moments with his brother to say goodbye. Even I would have liked to have been able to say something nice to Amiboshi before he was gone forever.

I can’t believe that I pretended for so long that there was nothing wrong.

I wouldn’t have said anything like this to Nakago if He hadn’t asked me, in exasperation, why I seemed more listless than usual.

I was very sorry that my answer irritated Him, but I could never have lied to Him, and He knows that.

The next morning, Nakago summoned me. Tomo was already there when I arrived, and Miboshi hurried in soon afterward. Nakago shot him an irritated look. Miboshi was habitually late, and had been scolded for this more than once.

Nakago informed us that His spies had confirmed that the Suzaku summoning had failed and that the boy had been thrown into a river to drown. In a somewhat annoyed voice, He expressed his irritation at Amiboshi’s death. He told us that He would be consulting His councilors to determine the best of several ways of summoning Seiryuu without all seven seishi.

But I could tell that we were not really here to talk about the Amiboshi situation.

Finally Nakago turned to me and said, without any expression at all, “Soi. Your expenditures this month have been absurd. Explain yourself.” Miboshi looked at me with interest. Tomo openly smirked.

“Well,” I began, “most of the money went for the door that Suboshi broke.”

“That hardly begins to account for it,” said Miboshi, who was in charge of our financial records.

My heart sank. “How much… did we spend?”

Miboshi showed me the amount. It truly was ridiculous.

I had not spent most of that money. I tried to explain that it was Suboshi who had run up those accounts, and that I never, never bought anything on credit.

“Nonetheless,” said Nakago. “The little monster is your responsibility. You know that you are accountable for his expenses. It seems that you have failed to instill in him financial self-control.”

I wanted to retort that nobody could control that child, not me, not his brother, not even his own dead parents, probably, but I bit my tongue and nodded in agreement.

I was dismissed. Tomo and Miboshi stayed.

Suboshi passed me later in the hall. He had just accompanied Seiryuu no miko to a meeting with Nakago, during which they determined to seek the Genbu Shinzaho. Apparently, we would soon be journeying north.

I chatted with him absently for a few moments about nothing that I remember before I walked back to my room in shock and terror.

Not only was I not informed of the decision to seek the Shinzaho, I was also not informed of our upcoming plans to travel. Not only was I being pointedly ignored, not only was I the very last person to be told these things, but the person sent to tell me was Suboshi, unarguably the lowest person in our little social order. I was lower thanSuboshi? I must have really displeased Nakago.

Fate has placed me in an altogether unsatisfactory position. I do not love Him because I choose to love, rather because it is my nature to adore Him who is better than I am. Just as drops of water clump together, or as grass bends over when the wind blows through it—this is how I love. He is my god, my philosophy, my daily planner. This will not end.