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Beca doesn’t really know Emily.
The girl has only been a Bella for two weeks.
It’s not like she should be glancing at her phone like a teenager. She reasons that she knows Emily from the two bonding sleepovers Chloe’s been requiring since Emily’s recruitment. She reasons that she knows Emily from watching her practice and texting her minute details about impromptu practices and meetings; receiving a series of text when really just an ‘alright’ or an ‘okay’ would do.
So really, she shouldn’t be letting her mind wander about Emily’s date tonight.
She should be thinking about the messages she has from several people about hooking up or meeting up for food (if she’s going to think about something else other than how boring the movie is that the girls are watching, that is).
But she isn’t.
She’s thinking about Emily’s optimism, thinking about the way Emily’s eyes gleam with happiness, and how Emily’s voice enthralls her. She’s thinking about the way Emily says ‘oh my stars’ instead of swearing and the way her brow furrows as she rubs the top of the eraser on her pencil against her cheek when she’s thinking really hard.
She’s thinking about the way she feels warm when Emily sits close to her and practically leans over her to watch her try to mash up songs together for a setlist. How Emily likes to smudge up Beca’s laptop with her fingerprints due to excited suggestions. She’s thinking about the afternoon Emily found Beca cleaning off the smudges and apologized exactly nine times in less than ten minutes about it and promised not to do it again.
Beca kind of doesn’t mind if Emily smudges up her screen again.
Feeling her phone buzz repeatedly, Beca’s hand searches out her phone before lifting it above her head to see what’s going on with her phone. Brow furrowed, Beca sits up from her spot and Stacie asks her who it is.
“It’s Emily.” Beca simply says before sliding her finger across the screen to answer it. “Hello?”
“Beca?” Emily’s voice sounds raw.
“Em what’s-” she puts her hand up at Ashley who’s quietly asking what’s going on “-what’s wrong?”
Beca notes Chloe pausing the movie and while Emily’s explanation comes in a jumbled mess of words, Beca pulls herself away from the girls and towards the front door to grab her jacket. “Where are you?”
“Outside the West Wing dorms. ”
“Alright,” Beca checks her phone for an Uber, “can you go to an RA’s room? It’s like,” Beca looks at the time on her phone, “late.”
“ I- I don’t know where they are. I’m not part of this dorm. ” Right, Beca thinks, of course, Emily is in Baker Hall with all the other freshman.
Biting her lip, Beca puts her hand on the speaker and looks to the girls, “I’ll be back I’m going to pick up Emily.” Pressing the phone between her ear and her shoulder she asks Emily to go towards the entrance and go up the stairs on the left that lead to the desk where the RA’s usually hang out when they’re not in class. “Stay on the phone with me, alright?” When she gets a broken whimper for a response, Beca checks her phone to see if the driver is nearby and when she see’s the driver is close, she practically runs out the door.
-
By the time Beca gets Emily to the Bella’s house, she’s shifted from being upset to being absolutely exhausted. Beca doesn’t give the Bellas a chance to question what’s going on, she just gives them a half glare and they return to the movie with hesitance. She watches as Emily just looks through her, like she’s not all there and Beca ushers her up the stairs, following close behind.
Beca opens her door, watching as Emily just flops down on her bed, face first. “Do you,” she taps her fingers against her palm, “wanna spend the night or, like, talk now?” Huffing a soft laugh at her own awkwardness, Beca adds, “Talk at all?” She’s worried and she’s not even sure what to do with herself other than to stand there by the door. Waiting for a response.
When she does, several beats later, all she hears is a bunch of mumbled words.
Smiling softly, Beca closes the door before walking over towards Emily and sitting down at the end of the bed, making sure to cause Emily to bounce a little from the force. “I didn’t catch that.”
Emily moves her head, her hair now covering her face, “I said I don’t know.” When she yawns, Beca makes a decision for her.
“Get some sleep.” Beca tilts her head as she tries to think of whether or not she should stay or return to the girls. Really, Emily’s safe now from whatever was going on, but Beca’s not even sure what Emily wants from her. Sure, the girl called her, but the Bellas have always called each other for various things and sometimes all they needed was someone to make sure they get home safe or have back up.
Emily moves to sit up with her hands in her lap and her head down, “My head hurts.”
“Do you want something for it?”
Emily nods, “And then can you,” she takes a breath, fiddling with her fingers, “stay with me?”
Beca offers Emily a tight lip smile and a nod, “Yeah. I’ll go let the girls-”
“Oh my stars.” Emily puts her hand to her forehead.
Beca’s eyes go wide, “What?”
“I interrupted your night with them.”
Beca has to bit her lip to hold back the bark of laughter try to escape her. She blinks, gathering her thoughts before smiling. “It’s totally fine. I don’t even like movies. Chloe jus-”
“You don’t like movies?” Emily looks at her incredulously.
“Nope.” Beca emphasizes the ‘p’, having gotten that look too many times.
Emily just bobs her head up and down along to a silent beat.
“I’m gonna go get something for your head.”
When Beca walks back down stairs, she’s immediately met with the girls looking to her for an explanation, but Beca doesn’t even have an answer for them. So instead of going over by the couch and saying anything at all, Beca goes straight into the kitchen to grab a glass of water before looking for pain meds. She can hear footsteps and when she turns around from the medicine cabinet, Beca’s met with none other than Stacie.
“What’s the heck's going on with Emily?” Stacie asks, hands on her hips.
Beca opens her mouth, but for a brief moment, nothing comes out and she furrows her brow, cocking her head to the side, “I don’t know.”
Stacie looks at her with a furrowed brow, crossing her arms, “How do you not know?”
“I - She’s tired and I don’t even know if she wants to talk.”
“When has Emily not wanted to talk?”
“Dude, she’s only been a part of the Bellas for a few weeks.”
Stacie just puts her hand out, her fingers sprawling out as if Beca’s supposed to understand something suddenly. “Exactly. Give her a chance to talk and she jumps at it.”
Beca frowns, “I- Look, I’ll find out, alright? She’s really tired from whatever happened.”
“You better update me, girl.” Stacie warns with a pointed finger, before walking away to probably go join the other girls.
“Don’t wait up for me!” Beca calls out, fishing out two pills before walking back to her room.
She’s met with Emily under the covers, staring up at the ceiling.
“You alright?” She asks, closing the door and setting the pills and water on the nightstand.
Emily simply shrugs with a short, exaggerated frown.
Beca twists her mouth to the side, unsure what to do with herself (yet again). Part of her wants to lay down next to Emily and get closer to her than she normally would with anyone. The other part of her just wants to run even though Emily had asked her to stay. Even after having her walls slowly broken down by just being with the Bellas and her year and half with Jesse, she’s still not great at comforting people. So she stands there for a moment, her hands up near her chest, nearly clamped shut except for her thumb rubbing against the inside of her ring finger.
“Can you come here?” Emily looks at her and Beca can see the distance in her eyes.
It makes Beca’s heart clench.
So she flips the duvet over and sits down next to Emily, letting one leg hang off the side so Emily has enough space on the twin bed. She puts her hand down behind Emily’s head and then other on her thigh. Emily turns her head towards Beca’s leg, her hand pushing herself off the bed so she can rest her head in Beca’s lap. It causes Beca’s hand behind her head to come up, unsure if she wants to put it on Emily’s head and run her fingers through her hair.
She’d liked to.
“Thanks for picking me up and staying with me.” Emily says softly.
“Of course.” She wants to say she’d do anything for Emily, but she bites her lip and forces the thought away.
She ends up putting her hand gently on Emily’s head.
-
Beca wakes up the next morning with her head nearly hanging off the bed and her legs scrunched up so she can fit her body across the bed horizontally. She feels something on her side, but hears someone getting up to move. Blinking to figure out what situation she is, Beca realizes Emily stayed the night.
“Did you figure out what happened to the Giraffe?” Beca has to keep herself from scrunching her nose at the nickname.
Beca strains her eyes to look at Fat Amy quietly getting ready. Not wanting to wake Emily, Beca just shakes her head.
“Well,” Amy starts, this time in a softer tone, “hope you figure it out. No one gets to make the Legacy cry except us.”
Beca’s about to protest to that, but Amy’s already out the door. She feels Emily move a moment later and then hears her grumble something. Beca tries to move but Emily sort of has her trapped between the wall and her, so she waits until Emily finally sits up before she pushes herself up so she’s sitting on her knees.
“Sorry.” Emily mumbles.
“For what?” Beca asks, maneuvering so she can sit with her legs hanging off the bed.
“I made you sleep funny.”
A smile tugs at Beca’s lips, she wants to explain that she doesn’t mind.
“You probably have questions.” Emily rubs at her eyes with the heel of her palms.
“If you want to explain you can, if you don’t then that’s fine too.” Beca shrugs, “I don’t mind.”
She kind of doesn’t mind as long as it’s Emily.
Not that she’s going to say that.
Beca doesn’t really know Emily.
She wishes she did.
“I thought he would be different.” Emily pulls her knees up to her chest and wraps her arms around her legs, resting her chin on top of her knees. “I thought-” Emily’s voice breaks “-he would understand.” She clears her throat, “But he didn’t.”
Beca moves so she’s sitting next to Emily in the same position, but resting the side of her head on her knees so she can see Emily.
“I told him who I was and he got so,” Emily shakes her head, her fingers flexing out, “ angry . It scared me when he kept insisting and- and guilt tripped me about it; how we’ve know each other since high school so it should be fine, that I should want him the way he wants me. That I should-” Emily sighs and hides her face in her knees.
Beca’s jaw clenches with frustration. She’s not entirely sure what Emily’s talking about, doesn’t want to make that assumption, but it’s there.
It’s in the back of her head.
“He kept,” Emily’s voice is slightly muffled, “trying to persuade me, so I stood my ground and said ‘no’ and pushed him away. He- He just stood up and he knocked over his desk chair and yelled at me. That’s when I left.” She fidgets with her fingers, ”I could hear him calling after to me, so I ran and then I called you. I have four texts from him saying he’s sorry he scared me. That he just couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t be with him even when we have,” Emily shrugs, “had,” she corrects, “a connection. He thinks that I’m afraid, but I’m not. I just don’t want,” Emily’s fingers flex again and she finally lifts her head up from her knees, “that .”
When Emily looks at her, Beca tries to school her features so she doesn’t look pissed. She tries to empathize with Emily instead. She can think about the ways to beat the guy up later. Right now she at least knows that she should focus on what Emily needs from her in this moment.
“I don’t think anyone’s out there for me anymore.” Emily’s eyes lower towards the duvet and Beca wants to tell Emily she’s wrong. “I mean maybe halfway across the country, but not here. And you can’t say I haven’t tried, I have, but when I explain this part of me, when I say I’m not interested in,” she trails off, “the conversations end and people lose interest.” Beca opens her mouth to say something, but Emily says one last thing that connects the pieces. “I didn’t ask to be ace or whatever, but here I am.” Emily laughs sadly.
“So, you’re,” Beca’s careful with the next word, “asexual?”
“I think,” Emily sounds frustrated, “on some level I am. I thought if I knew someone, someone like him, I would feel differently. Maybe we weren’t emotionally connected enough?” Emily puts her fingers to her temple, “I don’t know. I’m tired of thinking about it.”
“He’s a jerk for doing that to you, you know.” Beca bumps her shoulder against Emily’s. “Especially if he knew how you felt.”
Emily doesn’t say anything, she just stares at the duvet.
Beca blinks several times, trying to force something out of her mouth that will help, but she’s entirely sure there’s nothing she can say. Her chest hurts with the revelation that she’s thinking twice about her thoughts from last night.
Which is stupid because Beca doesn’t know Emily.
She shouldn’t really be affected so much. Especially since this isn’t high school.
She’s feeling it anyway.
“Sorry.” Straightening out her legs, Emily tucks loose her hair behind her ears and looks sheepishly towards Beca. “This is probably too much, huh?” Beca watches as Emily tries to play it off with a soft chuckle and tight smile. But in the end, Emily ends up cringing and burying her face in her hands. “Who tells someone they practically just met all of this?” Emily groans.
“Hey,” Beca starts carefully, her hand which had been resting beside her moves towards Emily’s thigh, “I’m here to listen to you, you know,” slowly her fingers brush against Emily’s jeans, “when you need to talk.” Beca straightens up and leans against the wall behind her, “I know you have your best friend Sophie, but I, uh, don’t mind listening to you. You can come to me with anything.” She offers Emily a genuine smile, ducking her head in hopes of catching Emily’s eyes.
“I’m still sorry.” Emily lifts her head and puts her hands in her lap.
“Why are you sorry?”
“Because I’m being so uncool,” Emily groans, “and you’re, like,” she gestures vaguely, wiggling her fingers at Beca, “cool.”
Beca snorts, “I’m not that cool. The girls practically made a list of why I’m not that cool by the end of the first year we lived in this house.”
“No way, I’ve seen the pictures.”
“What pictures?” Eyes wide, Beca tries to think of what pictures Emily’s possibly seen.
“The ones, you know,” Emily points her finger at her eyes, “with the makeup,” then gestures to ears with fingers spread out, “and the piercings.”
“Yeah, I had a lot more piercings. Aubrey kind of drilled the whole makeup thing out of me that summer.” She brushes her index finger against the bottom of her nose, briefly smiling at the memory.
“You were a badass.” Emily explains simply, smiling after.
With a simple shake of her head, Beca smirks, “I guess I kind of was.”
They fall into an easy conversation about what they were like in high school. Emily mentions being holed up in music department most of the time and Beca talks about she was ‘one of the guys’ and how, really, Barden had changed her a lot . Beca asks what got her into songwriting and Emily offhandedly mentions about not relating the the boy crazy songs her friends were listening to.
In turn, Beca makes a snarky comment about songs like that, Emily laughs, and Beca’s mesmerized at the sight.
Beca hopes she’s helping, but she doesn’t really know Emily.
But she’s going to work on that.