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"I never knew she was your cousin."
Tsukiyama's eyesight blurs so quickly he needs a moment to steady himself. Kaneki's hand on his forearm is firm and strong but he can't really hear him say his name. How could be happening? They had met in a hallway, they had been laughing; now they were tense, one was anxious, the other overwhelmed. Two strong emotions well lightning quick and thunderous within him: Run away, hate him, he killed Kanae… But this is Kaneki, Kaneki Ken, my precious, my one and only...
This isn't Sasaki Haise .
It takes him a few more seconds to compose himself, Kaneki's worried calls uncharacteristic to his ears. Tsukiyama shakes his head trying to dispel the weight on his senses, but he only manages to feel nauseous. He doesn't hear it, doesn't feel it either, when Kaneki holds both his forearms, brings him close, and steadies him. Tsukiyama feels like he's drowning; he doesn't need an anchor, he needs the storm to pass so the skies can clear. Tsukiyama knows that Kaneki is the storm, he is the embodiment of a hurricane, destroying everything in its path, and he's merely a man. A man who has lost almost everything, holding on to the dregs of the past he glorified.
Losing Kanae, the way he had, had been enough heartbreak for a lifetime. Being told about his servant's deaths, about Matsumae's death… Tsukiyama didn't know he could feel so much pain after having lost Kaneki, so many years ago. Once again, he had nothing bury, had nothing to remember them by. Only their history: his memories, forever tarnished with melancholy after that day. He also had his life, so lovingly protected by them, his family; a life that was not his own anymore. He was more than just a name, a family line, he was a will. A will to live, passed on through generations of Tsukiyamas.
But he is also a man. The worst kind of man, by any standards, for an amorous affectation makes one but a target for the vicissitudes of fate. A fool. He knows his faults; they have been made very clear in the last few weeks, and yet he can't let go. Why can't he hate him?
He hides his face in Kaneki's shoulder and clearly repeats, "It's water under the bridge..."
Kaneki shakes his head and whispers, "It's not."
Tsukiyama remembers the sweet tune of Kanae's violin and parrots back, "It's not."
Kaneki holds his breath.
Tsukiyama sees Kanae jumping after him, "You killed her... to save me."
Kaneki inhales sharply.
"She was my most beloved assistant, my most loyal friend, my cousin."
Kaneki's hands tremble as they leave Tsukiyama's forearms.
"I… do not deserve your loyalty."
Tsukiyama had seen Kaneki kill hundreds of ghouls. He had seen him torturing them, eating them, leaving their carcasses to the rats. He looked into his eyes when he stabbed him while reassuring him on top of the Luna building; he hadn't believed him. And yet… Tsukiyama huffs a bitter laugh but keeps talking to Kaneki's neck, unmoving. Here he is; here he forever will want to be.
"It has never been about that, though; surely you know that... Right?"
Kaneki doesn't move an inch; Tsukiyama has the sudden thought that he might be confessing his innermost feelings to his leader in the least appropriate situation. He lifts his head, the knight preparing to accept his fate, and is met with the sight of his King crying.
"Kaneki..?" he whispers, hesitantly. The white-haired ghoul blinks, unaware of his state or anything else, and raises both gloved hands to his face. Now Tsukiyama is the one worrying, hands hovering at Kaneki's shoulders, not knowing exactly what to do. He decides to hold him, arms around his shoulders, ushering Kaneki close. He rests his forehead to Tsukiyama's chest, arms loose at his sides..
"You can't, Tsukiyama."
The purple haired ghoul needs only a second to understand. You can't love me. Tsukiyama had thought that for a long time too. He had to lose him to understand; had to lose almost all of his family to understand, to earn perspective. Kanae would never know, but Tsukiyama understood him more than he knew. Tsukiyama kisses the top of his head and whispers,
"These feelings have bloomed in adversity.. You can't tear them down so easily, I'm afraid."
Kaneki hugs him tightly while he cries. Tsukiyama holds him, letting the storm run its course. Maybe, tomorrow, the sun will rise, the rain will dry up, and the flowers in their hearts will remain.
.