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“Thank you for coming with me TJ.” Steve and TJ stood shoulder-to-shoulder, Steve’s military stance (broken only by the bouquet of roses he held in one hand) next to TJ’s long-ingrained public bearing, making them appear properly stoic, in front of the white marble stone. “I don’t even know why I’m here.”
TJ looked at the pair of names on the headstone, identical to the rows and rows of veterans’ white stones that surrounded them, creating a touching tableau. Identical, that is, with the exception of the two names instead of one. “I think you’re here to stand in the exact spot where someone who loved you once stood.” TJ smiled, bumping Steve’s arm with his in a lighthearted gesture. “Neither of you is dead. That’s a plus.”
“He’s missing.” Steve looked at TJ. “You know? Peggy got together with Buck’s mom and sister to put this here, something for them to bring flowers and talk out their grief. Is that what I’m doing here?”
“I think you’re having a crisis of conscience.” TJ plunged his hands into his pockets before drawing one out again and rooting in the inner pockets of the dress jacket he was wearing. It was almost too warm for the suit, but he’d had a feeling Steve would dress up, and he knew it was better to be a little overdressed in this situation. TJ pulled a flag from the inner pocket – a miniaturized version of the millions that were placed at the base of similar stones all over the country and surrounding them - and knelt in front of the stone. “In memory of two boys tossed into turmoil.”
“You shouldn’t, that’s not…” Steve broke his parade rest, his shoulders curling forward, as he watched helplessly while TJ poked the flag into the earth beneath the one that was already planted.
“It’s necessary.” TJ stood up, brushing the cool, not quite damp spots on his knees, and took up his position next to Steve. “I can leave you alone for a few minutes.”
“No. That’s really not necessary.” Steve’s free hand tightened to a fist before he relaxed it, rubbing it over the leg of his trousers with a nervous rhythm. He regained his composure, “Listen, after this, why don’t I show you the old neighborhood?”
“Sure, it’s no rush though.” TJ’s eyes wandered. There were families dotting the landscape farther from where they stood, placing flowers of varying sizes, from wreaths to single blooms. Being here was preferable to the spectacle of accompanying his parents during their gubernatorial and presidential duties on Memorial Day. Especially the presidential task, as important, and time-honored as placing the wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier was.
This peaceful place and time was more his speed. Next to the stone at their feet, TJ spotted another ‘Barnes’. Of course, Peggy Carter would have insisted that the stone be placed near one of the dead soldiers’ fathers, and of course, she’d insist on making it easy for the survivors to access. He didn’t envy her the task of deciding which parent to have the shared stone placed next to.
“My folks are over there.” Steve nodded toward the south. For a second TJ was spooked that Steve read his mind so plainly, then he realized he must have noticed him staring intently at George M. Barnes’ stone. “The reason for single stone was that by then, the field was full. Pegs pulled some strings, since there wasn’t a body to place, and couldn’t they just put one stone near Buck’s dad? It was prestige for them to add two more war heroes to their roster.”
“She probably stood right where you are more than once, stoically seeking peace, or guidance. Can I ask you a question?”
“You just did.” Steve smiled, folding his arms across his chest, not at all awkward with the roses still in hand.
“You look intimidating. I’m about ready to take you seriously.”
“Any time TJ. You should know that.” Steve’s smile softened.
“Why isn’t Sam here with you? I’d think you would be more comfortable with him, common ground, and all that.”
“He’s visiting another cemetery.” TJ thought Steve must still be nervous, he was as close to fidgeting as TJ had ever seen, moving from arms-crossed, to fiddling with the tissue wrapped around the roses. “He’s with his and Riley’s family. Any other day, and we could mix it up, but he’s gotta be there for Riley and Riley’s folks. You having regrets?”
“No. I was just curious. I’m honored to be here.”
“Even if you are as confused as I am as to why,” Steve teased, “though, I think you might not be quite as confused as me.”
“Between last Memorial Day and now, your long lost friend turns up not dead, of course you’re gonna go home.”
“Last year I went to a couple of the Howlies’ graves. Made a week of it, a bit of a road trip, you could call it. I was gonna do the same this year, but this…” Steve gestured toward the stone, as they both watched the wind whip the tiny red, white, and blue flag.
“This is big.” TJ nodded. “I can’t imagine what exactly this is.”
“No, I’m sure you can’t.” Steve’s mood seemed to be lifting, his smile was easy, and his voice was touched with laughter. “So, you ok if I drop a rose or two on Ma’s grave before we go?”
“No way. I draw the line at leaving flowers on actual graves.” TJ shook his head, rolling his eyes and chuckling, “Go. You gotta see your mom.”
As Steve walked away, TJ sent a quick text to his own mother, “Thinking of you. I love you. Your ‘other’ son.” Although, as soon as he’d hit send, he regretted the way he’d signed it, and sent another, “I didn’t mean that last part.”
Within seconds, she sent back a response that made him laugh.
Who’s this?
Still smiling, TJ looked up and around him before typing out his reply.
Shh I’m in a cemetery
He watched the animated ellipses as she typed. ‘Bet there’s perfect punctuation and spelling’ he thought as the animation continued.
You’re in the WRONG cemetery.
‘Called it.’ TJ smirked at the display, “even all caps” He said to nobody. Now it was her turn to wait for a response.
I’m needed here, that makes it the right one. Besides, you have Dougie and Anne.
‘Look at all the punctuation and properly capitalized words, you’re definitely rubbing off on me mom.’ TJ thought as he waited for the rest of her guilt trip.
I do miss having you beside me TJ.
TJ looked south to where Steve was kneeling in front of a more modest headstone, holding the dozen roses to his chest, talking to the grass and dirt covering the bones of the mother he had buried as a young man. TJ abandoned the text medium and swiped to phone his mother.
“Hey. I do miss you.” The words were rushed and weepy.
“Are you sure you’re ok?” Elaine sounded emotional from her end too.
“Yeah.” TJ smiled through tears, “Just, you’re there, alive.”
“Ok, I get it now.” TJ could hear Elaine’s smile through the phone. “I love you Tommy. I hope Captain Rogers understands what a good friend you are.”
“Mom, cut it out.”
“I mean it.” there was the Barrish no-nonsense tone. “I also hope the rest of your trip is more enjoyable.”
“It may sound strange,” TJ watched as Steve stood up straight, now holding only one rose, the rest laid lovingly at the base of the stone, and started back toward him. “But it has been enjoyable. I’m gonna let you go. Give Nana a hug for me. Tell everyone I love them.”
TJ tucked his phone away as Steve laid the remaining rose in front of the shared stone at their feet.
~✿~
Steve imagined the three women sharing tears as they watched the stone being placed. Peggy would be standing tall, sharply dressed with not a hair out of place, her red lips quivering – but maybe that was only in his imagination. Ma Barnes and Becky would no doubt be hugging one another, weeping, and wishing for more handkerchiefs. Not able to bury their boys, they’d been grateful for Peggy and her fight to give them something near their home, somewhere to come and mourn. Before he placed the rose at the foot of the stone, Steve pressed it to his lips with a kiss for the women who shed tears on this spot. He’d come to realize the stone wasn’t a symbol of an empty grave; it was a symbol of love.
Comforted by TJ’s silent presence, Steve reflected on how grateful he was to have TJ there with him, Steve felt he could be something around TJ that he found difficult to be around others. He could be sentimental and make soft gestures. It wasn’t quite like the complete, guard down friendship he had with Bucky – Steve closed his eyes tight, mourning that loss even though Bucky was alive – Sam was probably right; he wasn’t that guy anymore.
With tears pricking in his eyes, Steve didn’t look up at TJ, the eye contact or even the bright sky might bring those tears to a head, and he wasn’t sure either of them was prepared for that level of emotion. He rose to his feet, glancing across the way at the array of red roses.
Steve had seen so many cemeteries filled with veterans’ headstones, but this one was the first he remembered ever seeing. First his dad, then alone he had to bury his mom. Not long after, he was there when Bucky had to bury his dad. He’d lost count of how many times his feet had made the same trek to the same three stones before he went to war. Most of his visits here were with Bucky, both before Ma and after. He couldn’t help looking around, expecting, no, hoping to see the familiar face. Steve wondered what he’d do if he did spot him on an occasion like this. Even though he was still actively searching for Bucky, if he saw him today would he make a move? Would Bucky?
Steve buried his hands in his pockets, quietly reflecting on everything crowding his mind, before breaking the silence, “I was about to say I could use a beer, but since it’s all flavor anyway, how do you feel about an old-fashioned milkshake?”
“This place that promises an old-fashioned milkshake also offer burgers? If so, I’m in.”
“Ok. I think I want to change first. Not sure what made me get dressed up for this.”
“Oh, you’re as old-fashioned as those milkshakes, and you were visiting your mother. Or… you were prepared for the paparazzi we encountered on our way over.”
“Probably all of the above.” Steve chuckled. “Maybe I was feeling the nostalgia a little.”
“You’re not the only one; I called my mom while you were over there. I’m starting to realize I take a few things in my life for granted.”
“Don’t wanna make a habit of that.” Steve grinned, throwing an arm across TJ’s shoulders, “Let’s go get some grub.”
Steve stepped through the front door of the soda shop and stopped. The store’s location on the street corner was familiar to him, but the storefront wasn’t. It wasn’t until he was inside that he remembered where he was. The wooden shelves towering above apothecary drawers looked just like they had when he would come in with his mom to get the latest miracle drug that would hopefully make his life a little easier. The far wall had a sampling of those cures behind glass, while the shelves lining the shop were stocked with tourist t-shirts, souvenirs, and saleable treats.
“Steve?” TJ called to him from behind, a note of concern in his voice.
“Sorry,” Steve looked at the pattern in the tile beneath his feet, wondering briefly if it was the same pattern. He stepped out of the doorway, relieved that he wasn’t blocking anyone else’s access to the shop with his reverie. “Where would you like to sit?”
TJ moved around Steve toward the small wooden table in the center of the wall of apothecary shelves. “If you’d rather go somewhere else, if you’d rather get that beer…”
“No.” Steve sat in the chair opposite where TJ was standing, “I didn’t realize it would look the same.”
“You’ve been here bef… Back when…” TJ stammered looking around the quaint shop as he settled onto the wooden chair.
“Used to come in here regularly. These shelves used to hold medicine bottles, like those over there. It’s not exact, but it’s so fucking close.”
TJ smiled, always entertained by Steve’s casual use of the f-word. “Is that good or bad then?” TJ leaned on his elbow on the table.
“It’s ok. The shock is wearing off.” Steve opened the menu. “Sandwiches and dogs, but no burgers, sorry about that.”
“Well, if you have to sit in the place all of your nasty meds came from, I’ll have to make due with an alternative. Mmm. Mac and cheese? That might make up for it. What’s going to make up for the Nostalgia Overload for you Steve?”
“If their egg creams are as good as they’re supposed to be.”
“Seriously?” TJ laughed, “That’s all it would take? You’re really a superhero Steve.”
“To be honest? I’ll either not sleep tonight or have nightmares, but I knew that coming back. I can’t avoid things just because I’ll have a reaction to them, you know?”
“I do know.” TJ nodded before smiling up at their server as she approached. They gave their orders to the young girl in a crisp paper hat and pressed apron. Once she had turned her attentions to another table, TJ asked Steve, “Do you think there’s anything we can do between now and tonight that would help you?”
“Yeah, we can enjoy lunch. You could humor me by hearing some of my ancient tales.”
“I don’t mind the occasional history lesson.” TJ’s smile was friendly and open, “Is there anything you wish somebody would ask you? Or anything you wish they’d stop asking you?”
“I guess it would be nice to have people realize I’m really not as old as they make me out to be. Yeah, I have some odd early years in comparison to someone in their early thirties. Do I seem old to you?”
“Well, you do like old school music,” TJ looked down at the penny tile floor before looking back at Steve, “and you get along with my grandmother.”
“You like the same music and you get along with Maggie.” Steve grinned. “Try again.”
“No.” TJ laughed, “You don’t seem old. Do you feel old?”
“God, do I.” Steve ran his hand through his hair, catching a glimpse of the embossed tin ceiling gleaming reflections of the lights that hung above. “I’m older than the original pharmacy that stood in this building but I look as fresh as those tiles. I’m an impossibility TJ. If anybody ever tells you something is impossible, think of me.”
“Does being here make you feel old then?” TJ looked around the soda shop and back at Steve, inquisitive.
“No.” Steve said decidedly, “What I’m about to say might make me sound old, it’s being in the modern, ugly, plastic places that make me feel old. This? They renewed it. They took the time and made an effort to make this old place new again with the same old materials, or maybe some new ones. People enjoy it, ok maybe it’s quaint, but somebody took their time, took things seriously, and preserved something.”
Steve and TJ both smiled at the server when she came back with their food and drinks. “Are you an aficionado?” She asked with a smile, clearly, she heard at least part of Steve’s passionate speech.
“I guess you could say that.” Steve answered, wondering if TJ would pull the ‘do you know who you’re talking to?’ thing he was used to other people saying. It didn’t come.
“We’re very interested in the history of the area.” TJ said instead. “I’m a musician and he’s an artist, it really sets a mood.”
“Well, if you have any questions that’s the owner.” She smiled again, pointing toward the soda jerk behind the counter.
“Thanks.” TJ nodded, still smiling what Steve knew was his public smile. Once she’d moved on to her next customer, TJ stabbed his fork into the mac and cheese, “I hadn’t ever thought of it that way. I guess our throwaway society might be disturbing. Lucky for you, that means you fit into the farmer’s market variety of guys. Folks like Farmer’s Market Hot.”
“Farmer’s Market Hot?” Steve wasn’t sure he was ready for this explanation but he knew TJ would make it entertaining.
“It’s this rugged but wholesome quality, with an appreciation for artisan cheeses and repurposed goods.”
“I can rebrand that for you right now.” Steve smiled it would turn out he’d be the one to say something entertaining, “Let’s call it Depression Era Chic.”
TJ’s laugh was so robust that people turned to look at the source. All eyes were on them, and recognition started to set in. “Crap, I’m an idiot.” TJ muttered, Steve thought he looked like he’d dive into his mac and cheese to hide if he could.
“No you’re not.” He chuckled, “Apparently, I was amusing for once.”
“Still.” TJ smiled his public smile at the people peering at them. “Look what I’ve gone and done.”
“We.” Steve couldn’t help smiling, “If you laughed at something I said, I’m to blame too.”
~✿~
TJ was mortified. All Steve had wanted was a quiet day, and he’d gone and made an ass of himself braying like one. He felt the eyes of everyone on them as keen as they’d ever been, wondering what Captain America could possibly be up to, being involved with TJ Hammond.
Steve’s reassurance felt canned, he was sure their friendship was beyond that. Yet the doubt was loud as it rushed to his head on the throbbing waves of blood flooding his cheeks and pounding at his temples. The cute wave Steve offered to the kids on the stools at the counter as they spun around to look their way did little to bolster TJ’s self-conscious reservations.
TJ’s plastered smile felt painful as they weathered the curious glances and the “Excuse me, Captain,” and “You’re TJ Hammond” that came from the table closest to them. “Can I get a picture with you?”
TJ drained his milkshake so quickly, for something to do with his hands, that he made his head ache and his stomach protest. He watched Steve take the ‘Thank you for your service’, from a guy who was probably his dad’s age, with a slight blush and a grateful smile. Watching Steve was nearly cathartic, he wasn’t bothered by the two or three people who talked to them and the others who kept whispering, and looking their way didn’t seem to register any sort of concern either.
“How do you do it?” TJ breathed, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“They’re just good people. Maybe it’s that Depression Era Chic quality.” Steve winked conspiratorially. TJ managed to smile and relax, but kept his laughter in check this time.
“I thought for sure you’d say “Farmer’s Market Hot”.” TJ fiddled with his fork, the food nearly finished, but his stomach wasn’t up to completing the task.
“You ok?”
TJ didn’t have the ability to lie to Steve, not when he had just been an eager, earnest puppy letting all of the soda shop ogle him and praise him, “probably shouldn’t have inhaled my milkshake.”
Their server picked that moment to pop by and add to TJ’s discomfort, smiling as she said, “You two make the cutest couple.”
Steve, the shit, smiled back at her and thanked her, not only that, he didn’t correct the girl. He asked if she would please add a t-shirt and souvenir glass for each of them to their check.
“You got it.” she smiled, returning to the register to add to their check.
“You’re a cool cucumber, you know that?” TJ asked. “Why didn’t you correct her? People are gonna…”
“TJ, people are gonna say whatever they’re going to say. Why correct her? I’m not the least bit worried.”
“You can’t score if you’re going to let people think you’re hooking up with me.”
“I’m not here to score anything except for lunch.” Steve put his napkin on his plate, “and we've done that. Everything else just adds to the adventure. Unless someone here has caught your eye and I’m in the way.”
“Oh good, for a second there I thought you were gonna say “cockblocking”.” TJ’s luck wasn’t with him, the young girl returned to the table with a bag containing their souvenirs just as he finished his comment. He offered an abrupt apology, and she was as smiley and reassuring as ever. As soon as she walked away with an embarrassingly amused saunter, TJ looked at Steve, “Where’s a good hole in the ground when you need one?”
“I know an empty grave.” Steve deadpanned.
“Gee thanks. Can we get outta here?”
“I hope you weren’t looking forward to a party weekend.” Steve looked at TJ standing next to him on the boardwalk overlooking the shore and crowded beach.
“No. You know me by now. Parties aren’t the best use of my time.”
“Thanks again for coming with me TJ. It was a rough start, and I’m really glad you were there for that. I hope this afternoon made up for it.”
“Does it bother you that people are partying instead of observing the original purpose of the holiday?” TJ leaned against the rail that separated them from the beach.
“No.” Steve smiled. “The men I fought with would rather see people having a good time with their families than worrying too much about bones under the earth. You can’t force people to do things either. I’ve been wondering; did it bother you more that I didn’t tell that waitress that we aren’t a couple? Or that she thought we were?”
“Neither one of those things bothered me.” TJ turned around, bracing his hands on the rail and looking out over the crowds frolicking on the sand. “It’s just that I’m not sure you’re aware, more and more people are going to think things like that if you keep hanging out with me.”
“You trying to tell me we should stop being friends TJ? Because I’ve had a hell of a time since we started hanging out.” Steve’s trusted friends could be counted on one hand, and to tell the truth, this was the most he’d actually discussed a relationship with any of them. “I really hope you aren’t worried about my reputation.”
“Well yeah.” TJ shrugged, “I am. Worried about what people are going to say about you, I mean. No, I don’t want to stop being friends.”
“Then we carry on as we have.” Steve declared. “When I said thank you, it wasn’t out of obligation. I had enough good luck left to find a couple of good friends on this side of the timeline, and you’re definitely one of them.”
“Thank god.” TJ breathed. They stood together shoulder to shoulder, watching as the sky changed colors. “I’m a little short on decent friends myself. I’ve never made the best choices. Never had friends who didn’t want something from me, or couldn’t hook me up with something or someone.”
“You do now.” Steve bumped TJ’s arm with his, a lighthearted gesture of reassurance.