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Hansol feels sad. He’s sad because, simply put, he genuinely can’t figure out if he’s a good person or not. Usually, he’d try to ignore these sort of thoughts, always pushing them to the back of his head. He realizes now, and every other time this happens, that he can’t push his thoughts out completely, that they’re going to end up getting squished against a wall or something. Maybe his thoughts got annoyed and decided to fight back, because here he is, having them.
They’re just chilling right now. Seungkwan is laying half on top of him and Hansol’s got an arm around his back. Any previous conversation had drifted off and now they’re just laying there in silence.
He would really like to know what Seungkwan is thinking at the moment. In fact, he’d really like to know what he’s thinking in general. Sadly, he is no mind reader and even though Seungkwan seems like he’d be an open book, there’s a lot more to him that many people tend to not see. Hansol is one of those people, but he at least knows that there are things he’s not seeing, and he just really wants to know what they are.
The question, though, is whether or not he deserves to. His immediate answer to that question would probably be no. Seungkwan is on a whole other plane of existence and fools like himself need to be kept in check. However, if you’d leave him some time to think about it, he might say that Seungkwan would actually let him know about the things that he doesn’t dare tell others, but not without having Hansol approach him about it first. That’s where things become even more complicated though, because he isn’t even sure if he wants to approach Seungkwan. Yes, he wants to know everything about him, every little detail, every little speck of dirt that the other might be trying to clean away, but is he ready to accept the consequences of that?
He doesn’t know why he’s so stressed about it.
“Hansol,” Seungkwan murmurs lazily, “how do you deal with things?”
Hansol blinks in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“Like… How do you always manage to look like you have everything under control? I mean, no, sorry, that’s not what I meant,” he pauses. “I mean, you always seem so… nonchalant? About everything. You know that things aren’t always in your control and there’s always something that is out there to bring you down, you know what I mean? And that goes for all of us. But what I want to know is how you manage to be so okay with it? Almost at peace.”
Hansol internally snorts and gives himself a sardonic smile. “Seungkwan, my dearest, I’m about to let you in on a secret.”
“Oho, a secret!” Seungkwan wiggles his eyebrows.
“Truth is, I’m not okay with it. Like, at all. I’m just not.” There’s a pause before Hansol realizes that Seungkwan wants him to elaborate. “I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s as if I got so used to it that I’ve become numb?”
Seungkwan hums to himself for a bit, thinking of what he was just told. After a short while, he looks into Hansol’s eyes. “Okay, how do I make myself numb?”
Hansol isn’t sure if he wants to smile or if he wants to frown. On one hand, he thinks Seungkwan is cute. On the other hand, he’s sad that Seungkwan would want to make himself numb.
“I can’t teach you that,” he settles on saying. “Why would you want to become numb anyway?”
The other lets out a long breath before deciding to explain himself. “Because I’m so tired of it. I’m tired of always having to force so much positivity, and I’m tired of having the other members easily tell when something upsets me. I’m tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve.”
This time, Hansol decides to frown. “But why is that a bad thing? The second part, I mean. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with showing your emotions. In fact, I kinda wish that I was able to do that as well as you do.”
Seungkwan snorts. “No, you don’t. You don’t want to be an open book that everyone can read. There’s nothing interesting about that. No element of surprise, and it’s pretty easy to get tired of me.”
“I disagree with that. Seungkwan, I don’t think you’re that much of an open book. Of course, everyone can tell when something is clearly upsetting you, and you like to occasionally whine and complain, so how could we not know? But that doesn’t mean that there isn’t anything hidden underneath that whining. There’s obviously more to you.”
Seungkwan freezes up a bit and grips on to Hansol’s hoodie. “So? There’s always more to everyone. I’m just saying that most of me is easy to figure out.”
“Well, most of you, yeah. But you can’t say that there’s no element of surprise,” Hansol says softly.
“I guess there is. Unfortunately, there’s so much whining covering it up that it’ll never see the light of day.” He laughs a bit. “I just wish I could stop doing that. I know it’s annoying.”
Hansol wraps both arms around him and pulls him closer. “You’re not annoying,” he whispers.
Seungkwan isn’t convinced. “Really? You sure make me seem like I am.”
They both know that Seungkwan isn’t talking about just whining anymore, and Hansol is reminded that he’s sad. This is exactly why he was sad. Because he thinks he might be an asshole. No, scratch that, he definitely is an asshole. He’s just searching to find that part of him that’s willing to overcome his cowardice and selfishness. Because he really is scared. He’s scared and ends up constantly hurting Seungkwan because of it.
He squeezes Seungkwan harder. “I’m sorry,” he says, barely audible.
Seungkwan sighs. “I know that you’re kidding when you reject my affection, that we’re both just playing around when I hug you and you just roll your eyes or push me away. But after a while I can’t stop thinking that you really are getting sick of me.”
“You know that’s not true. You know I love you, man,” Hansol tries to reassure him, but he still senses the frown on his friend’s face. “What are you hiding?” he asks after a moment.
Truth is, Hansol lied. He does know what the things Seungkwan tries to hide are. Not all of them, of course, but a good part. How could he not? Seungkwan really is easy to read and the fact that the two of them have been friends for a good while and that they’re really close doesn’t leave him much of an option. He just doesn’t want to know. He wants to be completely oblivious and live his life in peace without feeling like he’s constantly being mean.
Although maybe he’s not completely lying when he says he doesn’t know. Because it’s not as though those things were actually ever stated or proven. For all he knows, he could always be misreading things. Maybe he’s just being full of himself by thinking that he knows it all.
He internally groans. Hansol just doesn’t know anything, honestly. That’s it. That’s all. Bye and have a nice day.
“How do you even know I’m hiding anything?” Seungkwan pouts.
“Didn’t you just say that you were an open book?”
“But didn’t you just say that I still had an element of surprise?”
“Okay, then. Surprise me,” Hansol challenges.
Seungkwan pauses and bites his lip. He gets up from his laying position to hover above the other boy and looks him in the eyes.
This is when Hansol really starts to feel scared. Because now, he thinks, he genuinely doesn’t know what his friend is about to do, but he can take a pretty wild guess.
Seungkwan wouldn’t dare kiss him though, right? To be fair, he did ask to be surprised. So maybe he’s about to get surprised. But would it really be surprising if Seungkwan kisses him since that’s what he’s expecting him to do right now? Or would the surprise be more in the fact that he actually went through with it?
Hansol is very aware of the other’s feelings for him. He knows that when Seungkwan tells him how much he loves him, there’s always something more to it. There’s always something more to his hugs, to his little touches and the looks he gives him. What he doesn’t know, though is how he feels about that. He loves Seungkwan. God, he loves him so much. He loves everything about him, absolutely every part, and he wants nothing more than to hold him in his arms and never let go. He wants to smell him all day and to run his hands through his hair and all over his body and yeah, that’s a bit gay.
There’s nothing wrong about being a little bit gay, he knows that. He knows better than to judge people on these sorts of things, but why is it that when it comes to himself, he’s just not as comfortable with it? Maybe it’s because he’s an idol, because he’s stressed that there are people almost constantly watching him. Maybe he’s scared that he’ll slip up, be a little too gay and, all of a sudden, everything would be ruined. Every time an interviewer asks him what his ideal type of girl is, it just shows that he’s expected to like girls, that being a bit gay would be weird. It’s like he wasn’t ever given an option. He does like girls though, but he also likes Seungkwan, and Seungkwan isn’t a girl.
Truthfully, he hopes Seungkwan is about to kiss him. Because then he’ll have no choice but to deal with his feelings, since now all he’s doing is running away. Or maybe he’s been pushing them back the same way he pushes away his thoughts.
“Hansol,” Seungkwan says, barely above a whisper. “Are you scared?”
He doesn’t know how to respond, but he’s happy to know that Seungkwan is able to read him too sometimes. He hopes that he’ll read deeper, that he’ll know what to do and that he’ll finally lean in.
But he doesn’t.
Instead, he does the opposite. He raises himself up and looks away, looking slightly hurt, and that breaks something inside of Hansol.
His first instinct is to try to pull him back down, and he listens to that instinct, because clearly, he’s pushed so many thoughts back that he can’t even think anymore.
Seungkwan gives a surprised look when he feels himself being pulled down, and seems to stop breathing when his forehead gets pressed down against the other's.
“What are you doing?” he asks nervously.
“Aren’t you going to surprise me?” Hansol answers, trying to keep his cool.
“You’re the one who seems to be doing the surprising right now…” he replies with a nervous laugh.
“And you should do the same.”
To say that Hansol was surprised at what happens next is an understatement, because next thing he knows, Seungkwan raises himself up again, and lands a slap right across his left cheek.
“Fuck, sorry,” Seungkwan breathes out, “but that felt really good.”
Hansol is stunned and he doesn’t even know how to react. He lifts a hand, presses it against his cheek and he just stares at the other boy, eyes wide and jaw hanging.
“You’re honestly such a dick. You’re always thinking about yourself and how you feel. And I can smell the self-pity coming from you. It’s frankly pretty annoying,” Seungkwan starts. “But… I still love you. Like, a lot. And I think you know what I mean by that.” He looks down a bit, his confident demeanor slowly fizzling out.
“I…” he starts, but it takes him a while before he actually manages to form a coherent sentence. “I didn’t know it was that obvious.”
“Are you kidding me?” Seungkwan exclaims. “You know, I might be pretty easy to read, especially for you, but it goes both ways. I know how you are.” He plants a finger against Hansol’s chest and pokes him to punctuate his words.
“Well if you know how I am then why are you so scared about whether or not I get sick of you? You should know what the answer is,” he snaps a little.
“I’m insecure, Hansol! I need to be reassured.” Seungkwan pouts, and Hansol feels himself relax a bit.
“You’re right. Sorry.” He hesitates for a while, not too sure what to say anymore. “You asked me earlier if I was scared. And yes, I am.”
Seungkwan softens. “Why are you scared?” he asks him, though he sort of already knows the answer.
“You know how it is. It’s risky. So risky. It could ruin our careers. It could ruin the other member’s careers as well.”
“Not if we’re careful,” he interjects. Seungkwan pauses, realizing that he might sound childish. “I mean, literally nothing has to change. I’m content the way things are. I just.” He feels his fists tightening and his eyes are threatening to spill tears. “I just wanna be able to kiss you now and then.”
Seungkwan may not have actually kissed him, but it looks like he’s forced to deal with his feelings anyway.
Hansol feels his face heat up and his eyes are avoiding Seungkwan’s. “I want to kiss you too,” he whispers.
A moment passes. Then another one. Both feel that if they breathe too hard, something will break, yet neither of them knows what that thing is. But then Hansol feels like he’ll go mad if nothing happens.
“I love you,” he blurts out. “I love you the same way you love me. And as cheesy as it sounds, I wanna be able to call you mine.”
Seungkwan smiles and runs his right hand through the others hair, eventually placing it on the cheek that he slapped. “But I already am yours, you know that. All we needed was for you to acknowledge it.”
Hansol hums and leans into the touch. “Will you kiss me?”
Seungkwan flushes red and bites his lip. “Only if you want me to,” he stutters.
“I want you to.” He glances to the other boy’s lips and back up nervously.
Seungkwan leans in, his right thumb now stroking Hansol’s cheek, but stops before anything happens. “I, uh,” he hesitates, “I don’t really know how to kiss…”
Hansol laughs and wraps his arms around his neck to bring him down. Then, their lips finally connect. It’s soft, simple, but very sweet.
He knows that he’s still scared, that he’s going to have to really think about all of this later. They’re both going to have to talk and figure things out, and none of it is going to be easy. Right now, though, he’s just going to enjoy the moment. And he will enjoy every single other similar moment to come.