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Tyler Jameson was a liar. Throughout his life he has lied about an unimaginable number of things. He lied about report cards, his mental health, his sexuality, which was the only lie his family has ever excused him from, and, most importantly, his wife’s pregnancy. There was hardly ever any reason to lie, but when he was pushed by the presence of family along the cedar dinner table, he often did so. Tyler Jameson, or James, didn’t like small talk. He didn’t like family friendly smiles asking him how work was, how his day was going, and about how odd the weather was acting lately. He often felt as if he had to lie, so he used to rub his sweaty palms on faded black sweater and did just that. That was until January came along.
Dr.Cathy predicted a healthy baby girl. She ran ultrasounds, took blood tests, and even asked for Ashley’s medical history. “You’re due for a baby girl in mid-February.” she said with a smile tugging the corners of her lips, “Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Jameson!”
January 23rd, three fifty-six in the morning, Tyler was rushed out of bed with a shriek and a heavy thud. Running down his cedar steps, he nearly broke down at the sight of his wife on the kitchen floor with blood and and water-like fluids surrounding her fragile body. “James, call 911, hurry!” the blonde cried in fear.
James had never been more petrified in his life. No halloween myth or political event could ever leave James as terror stricken as the thought of his wife and daughter dying in the same night. They were both the most important people in his life; they were the only people he’d never dream of lying to. No matter how hard he prayed, and no matter how hard he begged, his wife was declared dead by seven thirty three in the morning. James had never felt such pain. The twenty-two year old cried until he no longer had the energy to shed any more tears. Looking down at his newborn daughter, he muttered the words, “It should have been me, babygirl, it should have been me.”
Since then, nothing has ever been the same for him. There were no longer grunts when he stole the cover’s from the other side of the bed, and there were no longer arguments over where they should go for the day. James used to brag about having too many photos of her in his phone gallery, but after her death, he knew there would never be enough. No matter how hard he tried, he knew that he’d never get over his wife’s untimely death.
Now everyone knows about his lies. Everyone knows about the voices in his head, because there is no longer someone to calm them down. Ashley is gone forever, and now they’re trying to take baby Jasmine away from him too.
There was never a court case on who would take the baby, James willingly gave his mother week-old Jasmine, and agreed to getting ‘help’. Help was a funny word that most certainly did not describe whatever James was getting.
Caroline’s Institute for the Mentally Ill didn’t give James help. It was understaffed, and unforgiving when it came to basic necessities. Everything was either gray or white, and they were only allowed outside for lunch, breakfast, dinner, and free-time. James was treated like a child, and was checked on by witchy nurses too often for his liking. He didn’t like it one bit, but if this was what he had to do for the next few years to see his daughter, then he’d go hell and back.
During the times he was forced outside, he always sat at the same bench, avoiding other people as much as he possibly could, and didn’t dare utter a word to the other lunatics in fear of them somehow being able make him more deranged than he already was. There was always the same person sitting diagonal to him, but never speaking as well. James didn’t know him at all, but he always seemed to find himself staring at him. As creepy as James may have been, the other person didn’t say anything for three days. Which was why on the fourth day he dropped his peanut-butter and jelly sandwich on his lap when he heard the effigy diagonal to him speak.
“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” the stranger perked.
James was so flustered he had no idea what to respond to the grey eyed wonder in front of him. He stared directly in front him and admired the clear sky, not daring to look back.
“Hi, I’m Josh.” an outstretched hand greeted confidently.
“Tyler Jameson, but people only really call me James.” James said shyly shaking Josh’s masculine hands.
“James, that’s weird, I’m gonna call you Tyler, ‘kay?” Josh proposed. His grey eyes stared into Tyler’s chocolate brown ones, searching for approval. The brunet, however, just stared at the silver haired guy sitting right beside him dumbfoundedly at how easily he could communicate with Tyler.
“Uh okay.” Tyler mumbled looking at the rest of his plated food. It was around lunch time, but he didn’t have much of an appetite.
“Right, we have ten minutes until lunch is over, so I’ll see you around during dinner, right?” Josh asked with a peppy undertone lining the tone of his voice. Before Tyler could answer, Josh left.
At dinner, Josh once again started a one sided conversation with Tyler, only to leave ten minutes before it was time to go back inside. This sparked curiosity in Tyler. ‘What could he possibly be doing?’ he wondered toying with his foil cup filled with water.
It wasn’t long until Tyler found himself talking back. Josh asked the same questions the people at his family dinner table used to ask, but conversations with Josh were different. Tyler didn’t feel like he had to lie around Josh. After all they were both in the mental hospital for a reason, right? Josh had to be as crazy as Tyler one way or another; If he wasn’t as crazy as Tyler he wouldn’t be in the same place as him. There had to be a common thread somewhere between the two, Tyler thought.
Josh and Tyler talked about a number of things during their spare time outside. They had an hour to eat and two hours of free time, after all, with that amount of time to spare, there is bound to be some sort of odd conversation filling up the silence. Tyler and Josh’s conversations were odd for a different reason, though.
With Tyler being schizophrenia, and Josh being god knows what, most people would assume their conversation would be anything but average, but it was as normal as they could possibly withstand being. They’d talk about their past lives before they got admitted into the mental institute, sparing the reasons why they were admitted in the first place, and they’d talk about their family, and past pets. The average Joe wouldn’t stand a chance against the general topics they discussed. Tyler would be once again lying if he said that he couldn’t get tired of it.
Tyler loved talking about his siblings, parents, and childhood. He loved staring into Josh’s eyes while he talked and feeling relieved at the fact that the other was still attentively to whatever boring story he told. Tyler loved the way that Josh would smile and laugh angelically at Tyler’s stupid actions within the story, but Tyler wanted more. He wanted to talk about something that mattered to him, so when Josh walked skipped to the red table he did just that.
“Hi Tyler,” Josh smiled, “ How’s it going?”
“Terrible,” Tyler answered honestly, “I want to talk about something new with you, but I don’t know how to talk to someone like that, y’know?”
“Why not? I know you’ve only known me for a couple of months, but you can tell me anything.” Josh responded with worry in his eyes, “I won’t judge, promise.”
“Okay,” Tyler stated struggling on where to start. Josh sat still staring directly into Tyler’s eyes patiently.
Tyler was avoiding Josh’s glance. He felt his heartbeat slowing to an ungodly pace. He looked back up to steal a small glimpse of Josh’s eyes, then back down at the coppery red table.
“I can start if your want.” Josh suggested. He took Tyler’s hand under the table, and rubbed his thumb back and forth on the back of his hand. “I really don’t mind, I trust you now.”
Tyler stayed silent for a solid five minutes before he gathered the courage to respond. “Yeah, that would be nice,” he decided.
Josh didn’t need any further approval. “I was thirteen, and they took my mom away to the hospital by our house.” the way his eyes turned dark, and his voice changed to a serious tone made Tyler’s heart hollow. “I was young, and I slept well, so when they called my cell, I slept through it, and I woke up to more than fifty missed calls from my family. They told me that my mom,” his voice lowered as he spoke. Tyler didn’t say anything, but he looked into Josh’s eyes and felt as if he knew exactly where his story was going.
Josh’s eyes were a beautiful color. Usually, they were a icy green with greyish undertones surrounding the cornea, but his eyes were the type that changed colors with whatever he wore. They ranged from the icy green, to a greyish blue depending on the day. Though the mental institute was much like a prison, the institute didn’t have the budget for an assortment of the same color uniform. Instead, the average patient got an assortment of dull blue, grey, and purple jumpsuits.
Tyler stared into Josh’s eyes so often, just about knew what every color’s effect had on Josh’s eyes. When he wore blue on sunny days, his eyes looked brown, and when he wore white on cloudy days, his eyes looked greyish green, etcetera. Though he focused on Josh’s eye color plentiful, he never say the darkness underneath his orbs until now. Josh had gotten such little sleep, his under-eyes were nearly purple with veins a bulge of grey defining his puffy eyes. He’s never witnessed someone so in need of sleep.
“We grew up poor, you know, we never could afford things like regular check-ups and new clothes, so I guess when my mom started getting this pain in her side she just ignored it like everything else.” he stated numbly, “It was cancer, my mom died from leukemia, and I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye. I haven’t slept a full eight hours since.”
Despite reliving the heart shattering experience, Josh’s eyes were dry, so Tyler shed tears for him. “Josh I’m so sorry.” Tyler cried, voice cracking as he spoke.
“Yeah, everyone is,” Josh responded staring at the ground. “After that things only got worse. I met this girl, Deborah, and I thought she was the love of my life. I loved her with all my heart from my sophomore year in high school until freshman year of college.” Josh’s stomach churned as he was reminded of what happened years ago. “Later on in senior year, she started abusing me. I didn’t think that guys got abused, y’know, so I didn’t say anything and i just went with it. Even when she made me feel like I was worth nothing and beat me until i was black and blue, and I didn’t even think of leaving. I didn’t have the will to until she sent me to the hospital.”
Tyler didn’t know what to say. He too had been a victim of domestic violence, but he and Ashley got better with couples counseling. Tyler could forgive what Ashley had done to him no matter the extent, but with Deborah, Josh was scarred forever. He’d never forgive. How could he? Though he was safe now, memories of Deborah would haunt him until he hit the grave.
“Your turn, I guess,” Josh glanced at Tyler, “If you’re ready, that is.”
Tyler glared at the ground, too afraid to meet Josh’s eyes and show him how trustful he actually was. He wasn’t ready, he knew he wasn’t, but after hearing Josh’s emotional story, he knew this was a bullet he couldn’t dodge.
Tyler doesn't remember exactly what he told Josh, but he knew his mind wouldn’t let Joshua know too much even if he was left on auto pilot. He considered his mental illness unspeakable, so he left that part out. After Ashley’s death, he knew he shouldn’t have been able to let someone else in so soon, but he did it anyways. He let Josh in. Josh was slowly becoming another person he wouldn’t dare lie to. That was a fact that scared Tyler more than anyone could possibly fathom.
Tyler stared into Josh’s eyes once again. The brunet was searching for some sort of reaction from the older boy, and let go of a breath he didn’t realize he was holding when he found nothing. Josh knew that Tyler needed something, but that something wasn’t pity. That day Josh kept a reminder to himself to figure out what that something was. Until then, Josh just wanted to make Tyler as untroubled as he possibly could.
“ I want to show you something.” Josh stated now catching a glimpse at the clock, “It’s almost time.”
Tyler found himself turning his body around to check the time as well. It was just about twelve minutes before the nurses would escort them into their separate rooms. Tyler thought for a moment before finding the courage to speak again. Tyler stared at Josh blankly “Wait, so you mean to say,” he started only to be cut off by the silver haired boy next to him.
“Yep, and I you won’t get in trouble, the staff don’t really care about us around here anyways.” he promised. “I’ll take you to my special place, and you’ll love it!” he exclaimed.
Tyler would be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous when they climbed up the jet black flight of rusty stairs hidden in plain sight. Josh gave him a reassuring glance telling him he had climbed these steps millions of times before and never once fell, but his bragging didn’t help wither Tyler’s growing worries.
Josh ended up shoving 186 pound Tyler onto his back and carrying him up the stairs while running, but he didn’t mind. Once they reached the top of the roof, Josh felt Tyler’s stomach drop when Tyler glanced at the edge of the roof. The hospital was about nine stories up, meaning anyone who jumped would be nearly assured immediate death.
Josh felt a pang of regret from showing Tyler the roof. He knew painfully well what the roof does to your mind. Clearing your head is dismissal until you’re a psych patient. When you’re a psych patient, clearing your mind becomes a challenge. Every thought you’ve collected since your ordeal started has been twisted in one way or another, whether patients realize it or not, and for some patients, reflecting on their past thoughts help. However, sometimes it doesn't help; sometimes, like in Tyler’s situation, they get so caught up in their past trauma the world magnifies on their mistakes, and they only see themselves as ‘the bad guy.’
Josh remembered the last person he brought to the roof. He had a small crush on the new girl named Stacey, a twenty-one year old with gender dysphoria, who used to mumble on about how she wanted to die as a girl, but when the staff neglected her needs, she decided that one person was good enough. All she needed was one person to know that she was a girl. Though Josh was honored to be that one person, he couldn’t help but hope she had a better ending, one with a more people who cared like he did.
Stacy’s untimely death a couple of years ago was enough to keep him hospitalized three more years. Josh hasn’t slept a full five hours since then, so he could only imagine how much sleep he’d get if he had to live knowing he’d let two people down.
Tyler didn’t want to let anyone down more than he already has either, but he often wondered if there would be a day where not letting his loved ones down would be enough to keep him alive. A day where he would take his own life without being able to care about his family or Josh. He’d truly lose everything that day.
It wasn’t long until Josh couldn’t take Tyler’s dark eyes staring into oblivion depressively any longer than he already had. He led Tyler through the dull hallways and into his bedroom; it didn’t take long to find since the rooms were alphabetically ordered. They didn’t have to worry much about the staff since they didn’t care much for their job, and didn’t usually notice when one (or two) of the patients went missing. The doors didn’t have locks, so patients could exit their rooms if they were willing to do so, but no individual, aside from Joshua, dared to do so. Rumors went around saying that the staff would punish you if you ever decided to get up and leave, but Josh knew better. He’d been at the institute for years and knew that the community was qualified to do no such thing. For years Josh had snuck in and out of events like nothing and received no punishment, not even a good scolding after showing a suicidal girl his age the only way to the roof.
Another month passed, and Tyler and Josh heading to the roof had become routine. Though Tyler never talked about it, the voices never left. Every time he was on the roof, his hunger to jump became stronger until his will to live was hanging on a fragile string. Josh, of course, knew that Tyler was a schizophrenic, but even with he couldn’t imagine the unspeakable words the voices yelled at Tyler. They told him to do things Tyler would never dream try on his worst enemies. The voices were never quiet; they were a constant tick in Tyler’s fragile mind that always seemed to keep him on edge.
Josh never seemed to notice the voices. How could he? He wasn’t able to see or hear what Tyler could and he never would be able to. The voices were something Tyler had to suffer alone. Why was he alone all the time? Did Josh even really care about him? Will his daughter even remember him when he gets back home? Is this even worth it anymore? Why is life worth living anymore? Tyler didn’t have an answer to any of these question and it pained him to the point of even further insanity.
Maybe if Josh could read minds he would have known. Josh looked straight into Tyler’s eyes that day and all he saw was pain. If only he hadn’t disregarded it like always and asked what was wrong like he would have when they first met. If only Tyler didn’t feel pain often enough for it to be put aside as if it were a characteristic not a mental illness. If only he had cared more.
Possibilities scrambled his mind until he couldn’t think straight. That’s when he headed up the roof to peer at the gurney that lined against Tyler's pale, dead body, or what was left of it anyways. He wanted to find a bag and vomit until he couldn’t feel his stomach anymore, but he couldn’t help but stare longer at the blood red sight. His eyes wouldn’t tear away from the memories of the night before.
“Josh,” Tyler called out in anticipation. He was leaning over edge slightly, but Josh knew that this was normal behavior for him and didn’t bother getting up from the floor. “ I think I love you. Is that okay?” he asked with innocence trembling in his voice.
“I love you too, Tyler.” Josh replied.
“No, I think I’m in love with you.” Tyler corrected, “Not as a friend, not anymore.”
Josh didn’t know how to respond. He had never thought to face his feelings about Tyler in this way much. He always pushed love away because he didn’t deserve it. He stayed silent.
Tyler sat at the edge of the roof staring directly down, once again wondering if the travel down would be enough to kill him. “You don’t have to respond Josh, It’s fine if you don’t feel the same,” Tyler mumbled through his silent tears, “Just remember I love you, okay?”
Josh punched the ground in frustration, his now hazel eyes gazed at the rough concrete stories beneath him. His icy blue eyes produce tears once again in the first time in years. He was reminded of the first day he opened up to Tyler and he cried the tears Josh no longer held. Now he had no one to cry for him, and it’s all because he couldn’t face his fear of love. He couldn’t get past his insecurities, and now Tyler’s gone forever. After Tyler’s death, Josh was sure that life brought nothing but pain and heartbreak.
Maybe that’s the reason why he peered over the hospital roof, feet dangling over the jagged edges, and pondered on the idea of jumping.
(unedited and made overnight for an English assignment... I got an A)