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“It really is a shame,” Liam said, sipping on a bottle of bardsta (the angaran equivalent of what Liam had explained to him was a “beer”). He was looking over to where Trix was playing an angaran children’s game with some of Jaal’s cousins.
“What is?” Jaal asked, tearing his eyes away from the woman to glance at his friend.
“That she won’t get to be a mother.”
He frowned, straightening. “What do you mean?”
Liam raised his eyebrows and took another swig, shrugging slightly. “I mean, it’s no secret that you two are together, man.”
Jaal felt a flush creep up his face, but didn’t shrink away from whatever allusions the human was making. “I don’t see how that matters.”
He blew out a breath and raised a defensive hand. “I didn’t mean any offense. I just meant,” he sighed, “half the vetting process was making sure we were all fit to help increase the human population when we got here. And now that you two are…together, she clearly won’t be having any.”
Jaal continued to frown. “But why is that a shame? She has found someone to care about. To be happy with.”
Liam sighed, but a smile broke across his face. “I suppose you have a point.” He looked back at her. She said something that made the children laugh so loud that multiple people stopped and looked their way. Trix looked up at them, but really at Jaal, and grinned, before having her attention drawn in again by on the youngsters. “She just looks like she’d be so good at it,” Liam said with a slight shake of his head.
The thought had never occurred to him, but as Jaal observed her with the children, he found he couldn’t fault in his friend’s words.
Try as he might, Jaal couldn’t shake the lingering thoughts of Trix’s maternal abilities. He wondered if she had meant to be parent, but now couldn’t because of him, because of their genetic incompatibility. If that was the case, why pursue a serious relationship with him? Why declare her intentions of long term affection? Even love, someday, maybe. He ran a hand over his face. The gun in pieces on his workbench was no more put together than it had been an hour ago. Alone in this space, with only his questions and doubts, he would surely go mad.
He ignored Vetra and Lexi’s greetings as he left the tech lab; instead bee-lining for the bridge to the cockpit. Once inside, he stopped in his tracks at the door. Trix stood at the map, coffee cup in one hand, and the other darting between various scanners and portfolios of tasks that were projected in front of her. She was surrounded by the light of a dark star cresting over a planet he forgot the name of. Her silver hair seemed to glow as a result. She looked serene, in her element, as she took a sip of her drink and continued her work.
Jaal, having the wind effectively pulled from his sails, as he had heard Liam once say in a bar, made to leave.
“Jaal.”
He turned around to find her grinning at him and walking down the steps. No matter how many times she looked at him like that, he didn’t think he would ever tire of it.
“What brings you up here?” Her voice was on the warm side of professional and she stood close enough for it to cross the line of friendly. He felt blood rush to his face as a result.
“I…” his words failed him. He shook his head. “I wanted to speak with you about a private matter, but it can wait. I shouldn’t have interrupted.”
He tried to turn to the door, but her hand at his wrist stopped him. “Hey.” He locked eyes with her again. She wore a softer smile now, more private. “Please, interrupt whenever you like. I could stand there all day and forget to eat or sleep or just walk.” She chuckled at her own joke and he couldn’t help his own answering smile.
“Alright.” He captured the hand on his wrist in his and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I’ll interrupt you more often.”
“Please and thank you.” She grinned. “But you said this was a private matter. Is it important?” She frowned. “Is something wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong, specifically.” He stepped closer. “If you are free, could we talk in your quarters?”
“Sure,” she said, frown deepening. “Suvi, I’ll be back in a few.”
“We’ll be here”
Once inside her quarters, Jaal let his shoulders relax, a small sense of relief filling him in the familiar space, their private space. He turned back to her almost smiling, ready to tell her everything that plagued him, only to find her looking more ridged than he’d yet seen.
“Beatrix.” He took a step forward and thought better of it, judging by her face.
“What’s on your mind?”
Her voice was as riddled with tension as the rest of her. He sighed and ran a hand over his face. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Now it was her turn to sigh. Then she was next to him, pulling his hand off his face and standing inches away. “You didn’t upset me, I’m just worried. What’s bothering you?”
He took her hand in his and squeezed it. Doubt crept into his mind again, made him wonder if this was even worth discussion, but he’d come this far. “Liam and I were talking the other day, on Aya.”
“Oh, god.” She groaned and rolled her eyes. “He is going to be the death of me.”
“What?”
“Oh. No, not literally!” Her blue eyes were wide as he watched her scrabble for an explanation.
Then it hit him. “Ah. Another human idiom?”
She smiled and blew out a breath. “Yes. You’re getting quicker with those.”
“Indeed.”
“Anyway, you and Liam were talking…” Her thumbed traced circles on the back of his hand.
“Yes.” He tore his eyes away from her hand and shook his head once, attempting to focus. “We were talking about you having children.”
Her fingers froze. She took a step back, barely keeping her hand in his. “You were what?”
“He said it was a shame, that you wouldn’t be having children…because of our relationship. He said you would have been a good mother, while we watched you play with them. I couldn’t deny it either, watching you keep them in absolute rapture, and then I couldn’t stop thinking about it. About your desires, your dreams. I have been selfish. I never thought to ask you what you were giving up to be with me. What if you wanted children? Why would you–”
A hand on his mouth stopped him mid-sentence. “Jaal.” Her voice was soft and her eyes held a quiet sadness as she lowered her hand again. “I’m infertile.”
The last word glitched in his translator. “What does that mean?”
She let out a shaky breath and took his hand in both of hers, not tearing her eyes away from them as she did. “I can’t have children.”
He blinked, unsure of how to process such a statement, whispered to him across the space of inches that felt more like miles.
“Darling–” his voice choked and faded. He tipped her chin up to look at him. She looked…sad. Her eyes lacked the sparkle of laughter and light he’d grown so used to. “How do you know?”
She bit her bottom lip and gave him a sad smile. Slowly, she lifted his hand to her cheek, where dark red scars littered the surface. She let his hand go as he traced the scars with his fingers. He’d never asked about them, assuming they’d merely been a battle wound or –
“My brother and I were on a peace keeping mission, before he shipped off to Arcturus. We were helping a team of Asari and Alliance scientists in an old eezo mine, out on an abandoned, dark planet. A couple weeks into the dig, we’d gotten word that trouble was headed our way, so everyone packed to leave, but just before we got out the pirates arrived.
“The firefight was pretty nasty, or at least, it seemed so at the time.” She sighed. “My brother and I were the last ones in the front, firing as fast as we could – more for blinding them than actually hitting them, praying it was enough cover that everyone else could just get out. We were almost to the shuttle when one of the pirates threw an incendiary charge at the mouth of the cave entrance, right on top of Scott’s head.” She chuckled once, but the smile didn’t reach her eyes. He settled his palm on her cheek and she leaned into the touch. “I didn’t think about it. I just jumped and grabbed him, but we…”
“You don’t have to talk about this.”
Trix covered his hand with hers and looked up at him. “I want you to know.” She shook her head once. “Anyway, I moved a little too late, or the blast was just bigger than I thought, and we both got hit. I woke up in a medbay bed next to my brother on an Alliance freighter, except now we both had these lovely scars on our faces.” She squeezed his hand. “Almost identical, but opposite cheeks. We used to get ribbed for it after, that we couldn’t do a thing without making it match somehow, even our scars.” She kissed the inside of his palm.
He leaned down and pressed a kiss to forehead, then pulled her into a hug. “I’m…I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be.” She kissed his chest. “It probably saved both our lives. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be here. With you.”
“Mmm.” He pulled back to look at her and brushed some of her hair behind her ear. “I’m glad you are.”
She grinned. “Good.” Her lips were soft on his, insistent and explorative. When she pulled back they were both breathless and smiling.
“My darling, I hate to break this moment, but I still don’t understand.”
She quirked her head. “What?”
“Your face,” he stroked her cheek with one finger for emphasis and her skin warmed under his touch, “how does that affect your ability to have children?”
Her lips twitched and she blinked a few times, and then she laughed.
“What’s funny?”
“I’m sorry,” she gasped, still chuckling. She took a breath to steady herself. “I guess it’s not really funny. I just, I pictured faces being a key part of having children and – never mind.” She stopped and coughed, seeming to have noticed the confusion on his face. “I, well, Scott only got hurt on his face, but I had other injuries. When I tackled him I took the brunt of the explosion. My main injury was here,” her hand hovered over her stomach. “They told me it didn’t take long to remove all the shrapnel and eezo particles. It doesn’t sound like much, but, eezo does funny things to your body even when it’s not in there long.”
“And it made you infertile. Unable to have children.”
That small, sad smile was back as she nodded once and gripped her stomach. “That was the worst of it, yeah.”
He blew out a breath and looked form her stomach to her face. “How were you able to join the Initiative? Liam told me that the ability to bear children was a key factor in allowing any of you to travel.”
“I expect that my dad pulled quite a few strings to hide it.”
“He sounds like a good man.”
The way her lips twitched upward for a moment, almost subconsciously, made her look thoughtful. Far away. “He really could be.” Her fingers twitched over a particular spot under her shirt.
He swallowed and shifted to his other foot. “I’m sorry.”
She focused on him again, the familiar resolve returned to its rightful place in her eyes. “Don’t be. I was lucky, really. It could have been so much worse.”
His hand moved instinctively toward hers where it rested, but then stopped halfway through the motion. He glanced at her. “May I?”
She raised her eyebrow, but gave him a smile that began to touch her eyes. “Sure.”
Jaal lifted the shirt slowly. She removed her hand as the hem neared it. He swallowed. Underneath were taut abdominal muscles that were littered with red, long-healed gashes identical to the ones on her face, and a few that looked more precise, surgical.
Before he thought more about it, he kneeled down and pressed a kiss to the largest scar. She gasped, her hands flying to his shoulders, but she didn’t stop him. So he kissed the next one. And the next. And the next. Until he’d kissed every mark that had been forced upon her. When he looked up she was gaping at him, her pupils blown wide so he could scarcely see their blue. Slowly, he rose and held her gaze, then leaned in close and pressed his lips against every scar on her face.
Slowly. Delicately. Like she might break under his touch.
“Jaal.” Her voice was thick and suddenly her hands were scrabbling at his neck, pulling his face to her.
Her lips crashed against his with the force of storms he’d hidden from as a child. He responded in kind and pulled her flush against him, twining his fingers in her hair. She moaned and her tongue danced over his lips, begging for entrance. He complied and felt a surge of electric heat dance across his skin as their tongues met. They each gasped at shock of the touch and gripped each other tighter.
In one swift moment, he lifted her from the floor and carried her to the bed. She broke the kiss, laughing, and gripped him tighter around the neck as they moved.
“So eager,” she laughed. He felt her smile on his skin before she kissed his neck where it met his shoulder.
The touch of her lips there sent a white hot shot of pleasure to his groin. He rumbled and tossed her onto the bed, less ceremoniously than he’d planned. A startled laugh left her. She propped herself up on her elbows and looked at him, smirking, her hair having fallen over part of her face. The way she looked just then, with the light of a distant, dark star encapsulating her face as she smiled up at him from her bed – their bed – did things to his resolve.
Like destroy it entirely.
He crouched on top of her, pausing over her stomach and not tearing his eyes from hers. Slowly, he lifted the hem of her shirt, past the scars, past her navel, over the hills of her breasts, over her face, until it was gone entirely, leaving her in a black lace bra before him. Her eyes were blown wide again as she watched him, tongue darting out over her lips.
He leaned down and pressed an open mouthed kiss into the valley of her breasts. She gasped and arched into the contact. He took one breast in his hand, massaging gently as his kisses made their slow descent south. His other hand guided her down until she was lying prone beneath him.
“Jaal,” she moaned as his tongue tipped into her navel and then continued along down with his kisses. He kissed her scars again. “Jaal, please.”
“You are so beautiful,” he whispered, his voice a low rumble against her stomach. He looked up at her to find her staring at him with what he could only describe as awe. “Every part of you.”
He gripped her hips with both hands and kissed the hem of her pants line. She moaned again and shot up on her elbows, hips bucking toward him. He looped his fingers under the edge and began pulling them down.
“Pathfinder.”
Jaal had never wanted to shoot something so badly in his life.
Trix groaned and collapsed backward, throwing an arm over her eyes. “Yes, SAM?”
“I apologize for interrupting, but you’re needed at the bridge Pathfinder.”
Her whole body seemed to sigh. “Of course, I am,” she grumbled, sitting up and grimacing at him. She scooted closer and pulled him in for a kiss. “I’m sorry. Duty calls.”
“I understand.” He rose as she stood and slipped her shirt on. “Maybe I can come by later?”
“Please do.” She grinned and pulled him into her arms. “Thank you,” she whispered after a moment, pressing a kiss to his shoulder and then looking up at him. “For worrying about me, and for listening.”
“Thank you for sharing it with me.” He kissed her forehead, feeling warmer and more whole than he had in days as he basked in her smile and touch.
“What’s mine is yours,” she whispered, letting her lips collide with his again – soft, and sweeter than any fruit he’d ever taste.