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Connor and Evan had been planning this trip since the end of junior year. They wanted to road trip across the United States and experience different parts of the country. They had a giant map taped up on Connor’s bedroom wall, pins marking the places they want to go.
But of course, it all came crashing down on a regular Tuesday night.
Connor was in his room, in the middle of a book when he got the call. He didn’t recognize the number but he picked up it, sensing something weird was up.
“Connor,” It was Evan’s mom. Why was Evan’s mom calling him?
“Hey, Heidi,” Connor said, bits of suspicion filling his voice.
On the other side of the line, the older woman took in a shaky breath. “I am so sorry that I have to tell you this,” She sniffled. She sounded tired.
Connor dog eared the page of his book that he was on and set it down, pulling his knees to his chest. “What is it?” He asked, his voice shaking slightly.
“It’s, uh, Evan,”
Connor took in a sharp breath at the mention of his boyfriends name.
“He, he— he killed himself,” Heidi was crying now, trying to hold back her sobs but failing.
In that moment, Connor’s world came crashing down. He stopped breathing and felt tears prick his eyes.
“I-I’m so sorry, Connor. I really wish I d-didn’t have to say this,”
Connor could only muster a small “oh.”
The call only lasted for a few more moments before Connor apologized to Heidi and hung up. His whole body shook as he let out a blood curdling scream. He threw his hands over his mouth as he began to hyperventilate.
This can’t be happening, This can’t be happening, This can’t be happening, This can’t—
Zoe rushed in from the next room over to find her brother shaking violently on his bed.
“Connor?” She asked tentatively, staying in the doorway.
Connor looked up at his sister and bit his thumb to keep from crying out again.
“Can I come in?” She spoke again, slowly inching into the room. Connor gave a weak nod and she quickened her pace before sitting down next to him on the bed.
“What happened?” She placed a hand on Connor’s knee.
“E-Evan, he, he,” his voice trembled as he tried to force words out, “he’s g-gone,”
“What do you mean?”
“He killed himself! He’s dead, Zoe! He’s gone and never coming back!” Connor sobbed, digging his nails into his palms to ground himself. None of this felt real, none of this was real. Evan would come through his bedroom door any minute now, tell him that it was a joke and kiss him and hold him and make everything okay.
“Oh, Con,” Zoe said, shock lacing her voice. She pulled her brother into a hug, feeling his hands grasp hard on the back of her sweater. Tears began to sting in her eyes as Connor struggled to breathe in her arms.
That night Connor vomited from how hard he had been crying.
———————
Dear Connor Murphy,
You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You have done so much for me and I will be forever grateful. I don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t met you, I probably wouldn't have lasted this long. I want you to know that this isn’t your fault. Things are too much for me now. I can’t take this anymore. My head hurts constantly and I’m too tired to handle it. I hate putting it all on you too, because you have your own problems and shouldn't be worrying about me. I knew that one day, I’d see you walk out that door and never return and it would be for the better. You can prosper without me, you’ll be so much better off without me holding you back. You can find someone better than me. But, besides all of that, I still love you. I will never not love you. You’re such an amazing boy, that deserves so much more than I could give you.
I’m sorry that all of our plans and maps ceased to ground me here. But there was one map that charted my way to you, my forever home.
Sincerely, Me
—————
Connor hadn’t been to school in a week. There was no point, really. He had only been going regularly to see Evan. He couldn’t step foot in that building. He didn’t have the mental energy to socialize and have people give him fake sympathy because no one really understood, no one really cared.
Along with not being to school in a week, Connor hadn’t slept in a week. He had barely left his bed all week. He has nothing to make him get out of bed. Until he received a letter.
His mom had brought it to him, since he didn’t have the energy to go down to the kitchen and retrieve it. It was an invitation to Evan’s funeral. They were burying the love of his life. That’s when it was all suddenly real.
Connor cried for an hour after reading the invitation.
—————
The cursed day finally came. Connor didn’t want to go because who wants to see the boy they love lying, cold in a casket.
The day was rainy, and Connor laughed bitterly because Evan hated rainy days. Actually no, Evan didn't have the capacity to hate anything. He was too good for that. He strongly disliked rainy days.
Connor had to shower and dress in a suit and try not to show that he hadn’t slept in the recent days. He hated it. The suit made him itch and the shower only made him realize how pathetic he looked. Zoe held his hand the entire drive to the church.
The church had little trees lining the pathway to the door, which made the pit in Connor’s stomach grow.
The Murphy’s were greeted at the door by Mrs. Hansen. He hadn’t seen her since the last time he was at Evan’s house. He had slept over and she didn’t have work that morning. The group had all gone out for breakfast at a little dinner down the street. That was over a month ago.
Her already tired and pale face fell further when she saw Connor.
“Oh, honey,” She whispered before enveloping him into a hug. She pet his hair and he held her tight, they were the last strong connections anyone had to Evan.
The service began soon after that. Connor sat towards the back next to Zoe, who had found Jared and Alana a few minutes prior and had joined them.
Heidi spoke first. Retelling tales of Evan as a child, like the day his dad left he was just so excited to see a real truck in his driveway that he almost didn't register the fact that his dad was leaving.
Jared spoke too, which made sense because they had known each other all their lives. He told embarrassing stories of Evan, which were somehow still endearing.
Evan’s dad spoke next. When he stood behind the casket Connor lost it. This man did not get to honor Evan. He refused to be apart of his life after he left, he did not get to stand up there and pretend he loved him when he didn’t. His blood boiled with anger as he balled his hands into fists and tried to calm his breathing. Zoe sensed his frustration and grabbed his wrist, rubbing calming circles over it.
After Evan’s dickbag dad finished his fabricated lie of how much Evan meant to him, Connor was to speak.
Suddenly, Connor was standing at a podium with a microphone inches from his lips.
“As the majority of you may know, I’m Evan’s boyfriend. We had been together for a little over a year and a half. He meant the world to me, he was the only one who truly understood how I felt. He was my only friend for awhile, he got to see a side of me that people usually don’t get to see. He was the most caring, sweet person I’ve ever known. For our first date we went to visit the abandoned Autumn Smile’s Orchard, since he loved trees so much. He was in awe the entire time. He just kept spewing out tree fact after tree fact. It was incredibly endearing. And afterwards, he, uh, would apologize because he thought he was boring me. Which was never the case. Being in his presence was entertaining enough. We, um, were also planning on road tripping across America this summer. We got a giant map of the United States and tapped to my wall. Every time either of us thought of some place to visit on our trip, we’d stick a pin wherever it was located on the map. There were plenty of national parks pinned on that map. He also kept a globe in his room and would put pins in places that he wanted to visit someday. He was restless, in a way. He wanted to get out of our town and just experience life. He was just, wow, uh, so amazing. And I loved him. I still love him, I’m never going to not love him. He saved me and I thought I could save him. But I guess he was hurting more than he let on,” Connor was in tears by the end of his speech. He kept crying silently, until he got to say his finally goodbye to his boyfriend.
Connor approached the casket that held his favorite person and he began to audibly sob. His body convulsed and shook as he reached a hand out to touch Evan’s chest.
“I’m sorry, babe, I’m so sorry, I'm sorry I couldn't help you,” He whispered as he grazed his fingers across the boy's face. His hand settled against his cheek, which was cold, as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a tree pin.
Evan had given him that pin after Connor had attempted at the beginning of senior year. He said that if Connor was hurting, he could hold the pin and remember that he cared about him and loved him.
He secured the pin to Evan’s jacket. “Just so you know I’ll always love you.”
Connor sniffled before kissing Evan’s forehead for the last time. “Good night, tree boy,” he whispered before stealing one last look at the love of his life. He turned as rejoined his friends at the opposite end of the room. Zoe accepted her brother into her arms and let him cry.
——————
Dear Evan Hansen,
I’m not sure why I’m writing this letter to you because you’ll never get to read it. I guess I just want to update you? Get some stuff off my chest? I’m writing from a one way train to New York City, our first stop on our road trip route. It’s been a year since we planned to actually go on the trip, but I felt like I needed to do it sometime, to honor you. I’m taking one of those polaroids Zoe took of you and taking pictures of it in front of the things you wanted to see. I actually never took the map off my wall until I left for the trip. Your mom gave me a bunch of your old clothes when she cleaned out your room a few months back. I’m wearing one of your shirts right now, it’s the one that I drew little cacti all over. Is it weird that I sleep with one of your sweatshirts every night? Maybe. I haven’t moved on yet. I don’t I ever truly will. You're the first person I’ve ever loved and probably the only person will ever love. I’ll be forever comparing your smile and your eyes and your freckles to everyone else's. Why didn’t you believe me when I told you that you were the only one for me? I’m going to college in few months, I’m majoring art. Just like you encouraged me to do. I’m terrified to go.
Zoe and Alana finally started dating towards the end of senior year. They went to prom together and looked stunning, like you would expect. Jared started seeing a guy named Patrick a few months ago, they seem to be doing well and I’m happy for them. I’ve become better friends with Jared, it took a few years but it happened. We go out for lunch every so often. After you left us we started a project for kids like us. We called the Evan Project and it’s still running to this day. I gave a speech about you and your struggles at a school assembly about suicide prevention. We’ve helped so many people and I think you would be proud of us.
I still miss you Ev, every minute of every hour. You’ll always be in my heart. Maybe one day, I’ll find my own map to chart my way back to you.
Sincerely, Me