Work Text:
Cartoonz POV:
'Ring. Ring. Ring' "xxx-xxxx can't get to the phone right now. Please leave your name and message after the beep" exclaimed the robotic voice from the phone in my hands 'Beeeep!'
"Hey Delirious, it's been awhile.." sighing I continue "it hasn't been the same Del, it hasn't been the same since you left. Ohm's a mess, he barely functions. At least once a day he breaks down crying. Bryce.. he's worse, he won't smile. Well..not a real smile, half the time he refuses to eat and just stares off into space. I think he's only attempting to try for Ohm and I, but he's getting thinner.. I don't know how long me and Ohm can keep him with us. I don't think.." tears slip down my face as I try not to sob "I don't think we can do this, Del. We miss you. We need you. I..I need you...we all need you.. God I wish you were here Del.."
I stop, staring at the white wall in front of me, tears falling from my eyes. Shakily I breath in and out trying to calm myself down. 'In and out. Breath in. Breath out. I need to breath' I think to myself remembering i had said similar things to Ohm just a few hours ago.
Calming slightly I continue speaking "Delirious, I love you so fucking much. I will always wish you were here, but I..I know you're not.. that you can't be here anymore. I..I know you're gone.. Damn it, Del.. I wish you would've just came to me, you know I would never have turned you away. I wouldn't of been mad, you weren't alone.. Fuck.. I hope to any god there is that you didn't feel like you were completely alone in the end."
The shrill sound of another long 'Beep' came from the phone in my hand. Slowly, shakily I lower it from its place next to my ear. Closing my eyes tightly I try to block out my thoughts, but I couldn't. I couldn't get you out of my head.
Random anger courses through me as I found myself throwing my phone into the wall. As I watched it fall broken to the ground I couldn't help but feel guilty. My heart getting heavy as I stared at the damage I did, knowing that I couldn't fix it. Sure I could patch up the wall and buy a new phone, but that isn't the same. It's not the same. I can't repair that just like I can't fix this situation. I can't change the past and that's what hurt. I couldn't go back and tell Delirious how much I loved him. I can't bring him back, I can't fix this.
As I hear footsteps approaching I stand up and walk towards the door, once reaching it i lean against it and slide down to the floor. Effectively preventing entrance to the room. Blocking out the sounds of either Bryce's or Ohm's hurried steps and worried calls I go back to talking. Imagining that Del was here with me, that he could still hear me.
"Delirious? Did you feel alone? Did you feel like we..like I didn't care? Why.. why did you leave? I would have listened. I would have protected you. I would've done everything for you. I love you so much Del. Please... I need you.. I need to hear your voice..to see your smile.. God damn it Del... I don't understand! Why did you leave! I know you were hurting but you weren't alone! Bryce, Ohm, and I were only a call away! We would have answered. We would have helped! We are your friends Delirious, we wouldn't have left you alone..." tears fell fast from my eyes as I didn't even bother trying to wipe them away.
Hearing a small knock on the door just made my heart hurt worse, but I ignored the noise "Delirious I love you. I love you so much. Please tell me you know that. Please tell me that in your last minutes you knew that I loved you. Please tell me you didn't think I hated you. That I didn't love you. Tell me that you knew I loved you. That I still love you. Please.. please.." I say growing desperate, growing hysterical.
The knocking was getting louder and whoever it was was pushing against the door trying to get in. I could hear a voice but I couldn't make out what they were saying, I couldn't even figure out who the voice belonged to.
I move my hand from my side to my pants pocket taking out the shiny metal that I stole from the kitchen counter. It glinting in the light from above. In it I see myself reflected back at me. I could see the puffy red eyes and tear tracks that ran down my face. I could see the emptiness that my eyes held and I gripped that metal tighter.
"Delirious, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Will..will you forgive me if I follow..?" the door shook violently "I..I know you wouldn't want me to.. I know you'd want me to be happy.. you'd want me to stay here and be there for the others.. but... I miss you baby... I miss you so god damn much.. I need to be with you"
Slowly I bring the cold shiny piece of metal to my wrist, pressing down slightly but not allowing it to draw blood. Not yet. Through tear filled eyes I could only look down, feeling the guilt and sadness that was engulfing me at what I was planning.
"Cartoonz...." a voice reached my ears.
Snapping my eyes upwards I glance around the room frantically, I knew that voice. It was His voice. It was Del's voice.
"Cartoonz... stop please.. don't..." His voice said again, but I couldn't locate where it was coming from.
A laugh escaped my lips "I'm going crazy.." I mutter as I close my eyes.
"Don't.. please don't.." His voice keeps saying .
"Why not?" I ask to the air.
"I... I don't want this.."
"I didn't want this either, Del.." I mutter sadly leaning more into the door.
"Don't..." He says again, and then suddenly I could feel something touching me.
Snapping my eyes open I couldn't make out what I was seeing. In front of me stood a blurred figure, like a shadow of a person. But the more I tried to focus the more unfocused the figure became.
I could see what I assumed was its arms wrap around me, holding me tight and in that moment I understood. Maybe this was a figment of my imagination but even if it was this was supposed to be Del. Del was trying to talk to me. He was trying to stop me. He didn't want this and I am hurting him. All I could do was cry more as I realized this.
I could feel imaginary hands moving from my back to my arms then down to my hands. I could feel it. This had to be real, it..it couldn't just be my mind playing tricks. In seconds, my mind not even processing it, the cold metal in my hands flew across the room. It sliding across the floor until coming to a stop at the wall opposite of me. Staring at it I couldn't comprehend what happened.
"Don't... be happy.. don't follow me..." Delirious's voice told me.
"How..? How do I live without you..?" I ask helplessly.
Once again I could hear the door behind me trying to be opened, shouts from worried voices.
"Them... be with them.. they need you.."
Listening through the door I could hear both Ohm and Bryce calling my name, telling me to open the door, telling me not to do anything stupid. I could hear the tears in their voices, I could hear the fear and sadness.
"I love you... Cartoonz.. but they... need you..." and then His voice was gone and so was the figure.
Taking a shaky breath I move out of the way of the door. It instantly flying open with two people nearly falling through it. Their eyes both scanning the room before they fell onto me and both of them rushed towards me enveloping me in an embrace. Bryce and Ohm shaking as they cried, holding me like I was going to disappear if they let go.
Sighing I lean into them, needing the comfort they provided. Deep down I knew that I would always wish I was with Delirious, but I had these two I needed to be here for. Together we would fix each other, we won't be the same as before but we'll get stronger. We'll get better, but we will never forget you. I will never forget you, I love you Delirious.