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I think it was the feeling of her skin against mine. The way that she was soft and pink and yellows and shit. There was this pull to her, something that felt real in that moment, and I grabbed onto it. Held it tight like it was a life jacket and I was already drowning. There was a moment where I thought I saw some sort of flash in her eyes. A flash where she wanted me, at least for a second.
And I went with it.
Because I’m stupid, probably.
Or maybe because of her laugh and the way she can do the alphabet in sign-language. Or her small fingers trying to teach my long ones the letters. Or how she didn’t even get frustrated when my digits wouldn’t cooperate.
Yeah, it was that. Her eyes small from smiling and her tongue poking out from between her teeth in a total Quinn way that made my eyes get smaller from smiling. I had never noticed her in that way before.
But she’s different. She’s got this...light that’s around her. All the damn time. I’ve never seen that on anyone else and sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one because if other people see what I see then she would have never friended me. She would have been doing something better than ditching social studies and teaching me how to spell my name with my hands.
Only she wasn’t doing something better. She was with me and my stupid fingers and smiling and...
It was all I needed to go ahead and press my lips to hers.
She froze once she realized that maybe I wasn’t falling onto her on accident. I don’t know what she was thinking, other than the ‘no’ that her mouth let pour out. I didn’t even really have time to process that though, because next thing that happened was her palm hitting my cheek. Twice.
I deserved it, big time. I wish she’d do it again if it meant I could talk to her. Or at least see her and apologize. But I can’t because I fucked up.
I got selfish with her time. I got used to the light she brought and now that’s it’s gone, it’s all black and blue.
I miss the pinks and yellows and tongue in tooth smile and the laughter and the way she explains things real slow because she knows I’m not too smart.
Fuck. I miss her.