Work Text:
Keith,
You know, I never wanted kids before. Some men grow up and they think they know what they want. They think they can be a father, that they want kids. That was never me. All I ever wanted was a simple life, a beautiful wife, and to crack open a cold one with the boys every weekend down at the pool hall.
And then I had you. You know you were so small, you barely even cried when you were born. We couldn't take you to the hospital, we weren't sure how you'd come out with your mother being… well being the way she was. I wasn't even sure you'd look human or not.
Oh your mother, Keith she was a beauty from the day I met her. Eight feet tall, covered in lilac fur? I damn near had a heart attack. At first, I thought it was a costume you know? Cause there was a furry convention in town and there were some cutting edge fursuits and body mods. It was a different time.
I walked right up to her and asked how she did it all? Keith, you have to know, your mother, why… she looked like she just appeared from my wildest dreams. My deepest desires. She looked like a vision straight from fur affinity.
And you have to know, she looked me right in my eyes and asked me ,”Wouldn't you like to know?”
I was in love immediately.
She stayed with me for a while, I used to live down by the ranch on Avery Way and she I would get into all kinds of trouble. You see your mother wasn't just an enthusiastic cosplayer, she was quite the eccentric as well! Everything was so new and wonderful to her. The sight of a sunset could take her breath away, a glass of orange juice could make her cry (tho that might have just been allergies).
She always acted like she was amazed just to be alive on the Planet Earth.
We'd always spend time out in the fields just laying on the grass. She'd tell me stories about her hometown, talk about places and things I'd never heard of before. She had a way of not making you feel stupid for not knowing something. She loved to talk and tell me things, anything really. I always felt right at home with her.
She'd tell me about her old life before she moved in with me. Told me about her Roleplay group The Blame of Marmalade or some such. She always had crazy ass stories to share. Stealing hover boards and riding out into oceans. She had a sense of adventure like no other.
Do you remember her, Keith?
She used to carry you in one of those slings on her front, she wanted you to see everything she saw, wanted to be able to look at the world with the same eyes as you...
I never knew if she'd wanted to be a mother or not before but when she found out I'd knocked her up she was convinced you were a miracle. Honestly, I can't say she was wrong. With the way, things were how could we have even expected you to survive? She ran herself half ragged crying, thinking you'd be stillborn. But there you were, beautiful and healthy. All ten fingers and toes. Healthy as could be. Our son.
You're our son.
And she loved you like I'd never seen anyone love. I don't think a mother has ever loved a son like yours did for you. I didn't know that kind of love was possible. You didn't even look like her, you barely even looked like me. But she adored your soft and fleshy little limbs. Loved the way your smooth skin was just skin, no fur in sight. She called you her molerat.
You were cute as hell, I took a lot of issue with that nickname, but she had a way of getting me to do what she wanted. She called you that till you were old enough to play with knives (in her opinion) then she called you-
What did she call you? It something foreign, not a common word either. She used her language a lot, especially when we were- well making you I guess haha. But I never got a handle on the words. They were her words, too foreign and twisty for me. Hell, I barely manage English some days. But she could speak all kinds of languages, even acted like she understood the cows...
Well, in any case, molerat didn't stick. You were in kindergarten I think when she started calling you something else. She got quieter around then too. More secretive. She'd always looked at the sky with this loneliness you know? Like she wanted to sprout wings and get the hell out of here.
God damn that woman.
[Unintelligible]
Sh left right at the end of your year. After your little kindergarten graduation. She took the photo with her too. She didn't leave a letter or a note. Not one that I could find. Just that damned knife she always let you play with.
I thought she was dead. Maybe you were too young to remember... but I cried for days while she was gone. I'd look up, right at that same sky she used to love and I'd wondered where the hell she'd gone and left us to.
You're old enough now, you knew I wasn't made to be a father, knew I wasn't a good fit. Maybe I never would be either.
I drank a lot that summer. Can't remember much of it now really, can you? You were still real little then. You cried every night, from what I can remember. You got lost once too, ran away from home while I was wasted, out looking for her.
They took you away after that. Haven't seen you since. They said I could have visitation soon but I figured you were better off without me.
I won't lie: I'll never love you like she did. She looked at you like you were the universe. Like you were every and she still left. Left you, left me. Just left.
When I think of you I want to remember the first time I held you in my arms, how warm you were. I want to remember feeding you at 2 am and thinking "Wow, this is what love is like." But instead, all I can think of is how the love of my life abandoned me without so much as a backward glance.
It's not fair how I left you. It ain't right and there's no excusing it. You need to know you were better off in the system than with me. You need to know that I couldn't have given you what you needed. Hell, I could barely even finish this letter.
But this isn't about me. This is about your mother. It's about how she'd be proud of you. How she always loved you, even when it hurt. I know she's out there somewhere, son. I know she is. And if there's anyone who can find her it's you.
She left you the knife and she spoke to you every night in that language I can't even remember. You and her would speak in it sometimes so I know you've still got everything you need to find her. Find your mother Keith. Bring her back home.
You don't have to do it for me. Hell, you don't owe me a damn thing. But I couldn't live with myself if my purple gal didn't see her mole rat ever again. Please find her. Just so she can look at your face again like she used to when you were small. So she can see the baby boy she loved all grown up.
Best,
[Unintelligible]