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Dear Izaya,
I miss you.
I miss just sitting on the edge of my bed or Kururi's bed, talking about whatever. I remember how you teased me when Kururi told you about how a guy in our class called me cute. But now I'll never get a chance to tell you about the cute girl behind me in math class. And there are even things about me that happened before you died that I never got a chance to tell you about - like that time I snuck a squirrel into the apartment for all of five minutes before he jumped out of my backpack and hopped out the window, into one of the city trees below.
The only way I can tell you now is through these letters. It helps to feel like you're getting them, even if I know you're not. So I'll just pretend like you are.
I talked to your secretary. Well, ex-secretary now, I guess. You don't really need a secretary anymore once you're dead. She told me about the things you hid from me and Kururi. She told me about the pills she found in your room, the razorblades, the bloodstains on the carpet. She told me about your depression, about your issues.
I just want you to know I don't look down on you for that. I know that mental illness is really ostracized in society, but being mentally ill doesn't make you a bad person. It just makes you a mentally ill person.
I just wish that you had gotten help. From a doctor, or a friend, or from me and Kururi. I know Mom didn't want us hanging out with you, but fuck that. Really, fuck that. I could have spent so much more time with you when you were still around if I didn't listen to all of Mom's stupid rules. Well, I guess I didn't listen to all of them in the first place - if I didn't listen to any of Mom's stupid rules, is more accurate.
I guess you just didn't want to worry us. And I'm not going to lie, I would have been worried. I would have been freaked the fuck out. I can count the number of times I ever saw you cry on one hand, and it was scary every time - because you were my big bro, my Nii-san. You were a grown-up - it was like nothing could touch you, nothing could harm you. So I got super scared when I saw you cry, because you were never scared.
But it's like they say; "everyone you look up too is really as fucked up as you". And it's not just you, Nii-san - I'm not picking on you. Everyone has their own demons. And I don't love you any less for being less than perfect. No one's perfect.
I just wish that you had found help so you were still here. Because it might have hurt me to see you hurting, but it kills me now to see you dead.
We went to your funeral. Me, Kururi, and Mom. They never found your body - I wonder where it is. I hope no one's done something terrible to your body, like made it into a bear-skin rug. With some of the sick fucks in a this city, I wouldn't be surprised. But that's not you anymore - you're in heaven. People say you aren't, but I know they're wrong. You must be there, because you loved us, and we loved you.
But even if your body was never found, there was a funeral - or a memorial service, I guess. I cried, and so did Kururi, but that's nothing new - we've been crying every day since you died. Shinra was the one who organized it. Namie was there too - she's mad at Shinra, though. She thinks he should have seen the warning signs. I think she should have seen the warning signs, so I'm mad at both of them. But I'm mad at everything - the world, god, you. I'm mad at you for being dead. Sorry - I know you can't help it, but I can't help being mad. It doesn't mean I don't love you - I'm mad because I love you so much, and now you're gone. It hurts so badly.
I'm mad at Shizuo too. He was at the memorial service too. Can you believe it? And he cried. He cried! Heiwajima Shizuo killed you and then he cried over it. That makes me even more mad at him. I mean, if he had been proud of killing you, I probably would have killed him myself. But instead, I'm just mad at him. I don't hate him. I don't hate you either. I'm just angry.
It doesn't feel like you're really gone. It feels like I'll see you again someday. I guess a lot of people feel like that, though. I read a lot of websites about dealing with grief, especially when I feel sad but can't cry. Ever get that feeling when you're upset and want to cry it out but tears won't come to you? I get that numb feeling a lot now. It hurts worse than crying, so I just overwhelm myself until I cry, because the crying feels good. Maybe that sounds a little morbid or sick but it's the truth. It's a relief, a release. And the grief information, specifically the example stories, make me cry, because they're so sad - examples like little kids saying "I wish Daddy was still alive. If he was, I wouldn't have skinned my knee on the sidewalk" - that's some sad shit.
I understand death better than a little kid, of course. But I still don't really understand why - why you had to die. You did some "shady" stuff, but you weren't a bad person. Were you? It doesn't really matter to me, because I love you and I can't imagine a future where I don't love you. I'll love you forever and always. But I don't think you were a bad person, anyways. So why are you dead? If there is a God, why didn't he save you? Doesn't he know that I love you? Where the hell was he that night?
And why did you take those kinds of risks, Izaya? Didn't YOU know that I love you? Why did you provoke Shizuo - that's the same as strapping yourself to the tracks in front of an incoming train.
Namie said you were depressed, that you were lonely, that you hated yourself. She said you missed Shinra, and that he was a bad friend to you. I said that she should have been a friend to you. She said that she wasn't your friend, and that Shinra wasn't either, but at least she never pretended to be a friend to you.
I know that a lot of people found you abrasive. I was never one of those people. And I wish that I had been enough. And I don't think that you didn't care about me and Kururi; like we weren't enough, we couldn't make you happy, and that's why you did what you did.No, I don't think that at all. Sometimes I still feel like I could have done more, but the resources I read say not to blame myself, and I listen.
I know there must have been a lot of factors that played into this - into your death. Personally, sometimes I'll get upset over the strangest things, so there may have been some factors I don't even know about - one's that aren't so obvious. And hell, maybe the ones that I think are obvious aren't even reasons why you killed yourself. Well, killed yourself via Shizuo.
It was a suicide, after all. You weren't just tempting death, you were forcing it. It was Russian Roulette with all the chambers loaded. Some people commit suicide via cops, but you did it via Shizuo.
Sometimes I think about doing the same thing you did that night- taunting Shizuo, just to see what he'll do. I wouldn't try to set him on fucking fire like you did. Well, probably not. I just want to see how he'd react to me. I guess it runs in the family. But I'm not gonna, because one dead sibling is enough for Kururi. And I want to live, I guess.
That didn't sound very convincing. But I'm not suicidal, I don't think so, anyways. I just have a lot of mixed up emotions right now.
I wish I would get a return letter from you, but you're dead, so I won't. No letters from Heaven to Earth, huh? I wish I could get a dream about you or something. Kururi had a dream with you in it, and she thinks it was really you. I want a dream where you visit me, but so far, nothing.
It'd be nice to hear from you. Just so you know, I'd be fine with a dream. Just not a scary one, please. I've already had enough nightmares - like the ones where they find your body, all terribly mangled and rotten, like a zombie. Or the ones where you're fighting Shizuo and you're screaming in pain and terror, and you're crying for help, but I can't get to you in time because I'm running through water or in slow motion. And I just have to watch you die, helpless to stop it.
I just wish that I could have helped you. Namie says I did, and Kururi too - that when you were sad, talking about us cheered you up. I just wish I could have kept you alive, could have made you be happy.
But that's not how it goes, I guess. You're dead, after all.
Even if you're not here, though, I still love you.
I'll write to you again, I'm sure. But for right now, bye, Nii-san. I miss you so much, and I'll love you forever.
Forever and ever and ever.
-Mairu