Work Text:
Everything was fine. Everything was perfectly fine until 1:43 am on the morning of Zayn’s wedding day. Zayn had just said good night to the lads and was heading to his room, in the other end of the building from Perrie, when Liam had asked to talk to him. Zayn expected a best man crises. Maybe a lost ring or forgotten shoe. He didn’t expect to hear the words that came out of Liam’s mouth though.
”What?” Zayn asked, his heart stopping in his chest. The darkness around them was compact, the only source of light was the lamp on the porch, casting long shadows around them. It could have been spooky, the silence, the darkness.
”I’m serious,” Liam said.
Zayn shook his head. ”You’re not doing this to me. Not now. Not today.” How long hadn’t he waited for those words? And nothing. Nothing for so many years.
”I’m sorry,” Liam said. ”I had to say something…”
The anger was sudden. It boiled inside him. A white hot flash of rage from his heart and out through his limbs and out to every single cell of his body. He didn’t let Liam continue. ”No, you didn’t have to say anything. Not today!”
”But Zayn…”
”No!” Zayn put up his hands, forcing Liam to stop talking. ”I’m getting married tomorrow…” he was quiet for a moment before he looked up and met Liam’s eyes again. ”You shouldn’t come.”
”But I’m the best man,” Liam whispered.
”Louis can do that,” Zayn said. He turned and walked toward the door of the big house, castle really, they were all staying in. He stopped by the front door and turned one last time. ”Bye Liam,” he said.
The next time they saw each other Zayn had a ring on his finger and Liam had a split lip. Over three months had passed since the wedding. It was their longest break since the X-factor. It was surprisingly easy to fall into everything when tour rehearsal started, but some things had changed forever.
Zayn kept close to Harry and Niall. The songs were sung, the interviews were done. It all moved along like it always had done. Zayn just had to make sure to keep his eyes averted from Liam at all times. Every time he slipped up, when he saw Liam whispering with Louis or one of the crew, the anger once again started to rise within his veins.
”Zayn, are you still mad at Liam for missing the wedding?” Niall asked as he sat down next to Zayn outside the rehearsal area. Zayn took another drag of his cigarette. ”You know he wanted to be there, but his aunt was really sick you know.”
So that was the story, he had wondered. ”I’m not mad Niall,” he said.
”Then why are you avoiding each other?”
Zayn spun the cigarette between his fingers before flipping it to the ground. ”I’m not avoiding anyone,” he said. Niall seemed satisfied with the answer, or let it slide. It was difficult to know with Niall. They sat in silence until they were called back inside again.
Not everyone was satisfied with that answer though. They had started the tour, even left the U.K., by the time Louis came storming into Zayn’s hotel room, locking the door behind him and demanding an answer to why Zayn was avoiding Liam.
”I’m not doing anything,” Zayn said.
”Then why the fuck is Liam crying every fucking night when he thinks no one can hear him?” Louis asked.
It felt like a stab to his heart. But also a tiny bit good? To Louis he continued feign ignorance. It didn’t take very long to break his persistent prodding. Louis had never been a very patient man. It was probably temporarily, but Louis sighed loudly and flopped down on the bed next to Zayn.
”How’s Perrie?” he asked instead. ”How’s the marriage?”
Things were wonderful with Perrie. He called her every night, show or no show. He called just to hear her voice, to hear about her day. After Little Mix had gone on break, she had been offered a position as a host for the X-factor. He loved hearing about it all, her job, her days off. Married life suited them. He loved her, he really did.
The first time Liam spoke directly to Zayn was toward the end of the European leg of the tour. They were somewhere in the middle of Europe, it was the middle of the night and they had stopped so the bus could fuel up. Zayn took the opportunity to smoke. He sat on the backrest of the lonely bench on the side of the gas station when Liam slowly walked over.
Zayn took two deep drags of his cigarette, letting the smoke burn his lungs before he blew it out slowly.
”Can we talk?” Liam asked, voice so low Zayn could barely hear it.
Zayn flipped the cigarette to the ground and pulled his jumper over his fingers. It was chilly outside. ”I really don’t want to talk,” he said honestly.
”I want to apologize,” Liam said.
Zayn stood. ”You told me you loved me the evening before my wedding,” he said. ”After years of denying you were even gay.”
”I…”
But Zayn didn’t let him speak. ”I don’t think I can ever forgive you for that.”
Those words seemed to hit something inside Liam. He seemed to wake up. ”I didn’t intentionally try to destroy your wedding Zayn, stop acting like I did. I showed you all your options!”
”And before that you broke my heart every day for four years.”
That shut him up.
”Perrie is pregnant,” Zayn added. He hadn’t told anyone yet. Maybe telling Liam out of spite and in anger wasn’t the best way to deliver the news. Maybe there wasn’t a best way…
”Oh, con… congratulations,” he stammered out before quickly turning around and walking back to the bus. Zayn watched him go.
The first time they really talked to each other, Zayn and Liam, Perrie was five months pregnant and it wasn't a secret any more. Liam came and found Zayn behind the tour bus outside an arena. He had a small package in his hands.
"It's for the baby," he said and handed it to Zayn.
Zayn accepted it and looked between the wrapped gift and his former best friend. A year ago he would have asked the man in front of him to be his baby's godfather, had he been Christian. "Thank you," he said. He hesitated a moment. "Should I open it now?"
"If you want to.”
Zayn slowly opened the neatly wrapped package. Inside it was a onesie with a "I heart one direction” print and a small box. He smiled at the onesie. Only Liam, he thought and shook his head. He scrapped open the tape to the small box and opened it. Inside it was a tiny, tiny watch. It might be the cutest thing he's ever seen.
"I usually by a watch to celebrate so..."
Zayn looked up at Liam where he stood and shuffled from foot to foot, looking nervous. "I get it, thank you," he said. He moved slightly to the side so there was room for Liam to sit down next to him. "I'm... I'm sorry."
Liam sat down next to him. "You've got nothing to be sorry for," he said. "I'm sorry."
Zayn held out the package of cigarettes and Liam took one.
”Thanks,” Liam whispered.
They sat next to each other, smoking, in silence. It felt like before. Almost.
Perrie gave birth to a tiny baby girl late on November 2nd. They were on break, had been for a couple of weeks and would remain so until they would start record the next album in a couple of months. The first thing Zayn did on the morning of the 3rd of November was to send pictures to everyone he knew. He had just become father to the cutest baby girl in the world, he had to send everyone pictures. His mother and father, his sisters, the lads, his friends from back home. As he scrolled through his list of contacts he hesitated as he reached L. His finger hovered over Liam’s name for a moment before he clicked it. He chose a picture and added a short: Cutest baby on earth, right? before pressing send.
Zayn’s phone was vibrating all day. The congratulatory messages kept coming, he didn't even have time to read them all. He tried to scroll through them, but there were always happening something that demanded his attention elsewhere. He never checked to see if Liam returned his text.
The evening after the baby was born, before she had even gotten a name, they got to go home with her. Zayn felt terrified as he drove them home to their London house.
”You can drive faster you know,” Perrie said from the backseat.
He looked over at the tiny human, who was so depended on them. He was afraid they would be in a car crash, or that he would do something wrong that would hurt the baby. He would never forgive himself if he did something wrong with their little baby girl.
”We’re not in a hurry, are we?” he said to his wife.
Life never got back to normal after they arrived home. They were so focused on the little baby that they barely noticed how time flew by. But it did, and soon Zayn had to go back to work. They were recording the new album. At least he wasn’t on tour, but could come home to his small family every night. So it was only with a slight sadness he left them and drive across town to the studio.
The lads were all there as he arrived. They demanded to see pictures and hear stories, and he obliged.
It was an afternoon, Zayn was exhausted after a sleepless night and early morning in the studio. He was taking a break, outside in the sun despite the cold. He leaned his head back and was just about to fall asleep when the door loudly fell close.
”Sorry, did I interrupt?” Liam asked.
”It’s okay,” he said. He straightened a little.
”Smoking break?” Liam asked and sat down next to Liam.
”I quit smoking,” Zayn said.
”Really?” Liam raised his eyebrows.
Zayn nodded. He had read it wasn’t good for babies, even to just be near someone after they had smoked. So he had quit the same day she was born. He barely even missed it by now.
”How’s family life?” Liam asked.
”It’s perfect,” Zayn said.
They sat so close that their arms touched. Zayn could feel the warmth from Liam’s body. Goosebumps spread from his arm and up his neck. He could smell the cologne Liam wore. Liam was talking, but Zayn wasn’t listening.
”I love her Liam,” he said, interrupting Liam.
”What?” Liam asked.
”I love Perrie,” he clarified. ”In another world I could have loved you, I really could. But she isn’t a consolation prize. I love her and I’m happy with her.”
”Good,” Liam said. ”I’m glad. I just want us to be friends again.”
”I don’t think we can be friends again Liam,” Zayn said. ”Not like before.”
”I…” but Liam fell silent and didn’t say anything else.
”I’m sorry, I really am,” Zayn rose and walked back inside.
He saw Harry in the recording booth, Niall and Louis were throwing grapes at the glass wall. He saw down at a soft chair in the corner and watched his band mates goof off. Just a year earlier he would have been there with them, throwing stuff, trying to distract Harry. Liam would have been too. They would have laughed together with their heads a little too close.
Liam came inside and sat down in the other end of the room. He didn’t look over at Zayn.
Zayn’s phone vibrated in his pocket. When he looked at it he saw that Perrie had sent him a picture of their perfect baby girl, asking when he was coming home.
It made him sad when he looked up at his band mates and realized that he wanted them to stop goofing around so they could finish up and he could go home. It was a new world, it really was. And he loved it, he did, but it also saddened him.
In another world he would have joined his band mates, and he would have loved Liam. But this was this world. There were only this world, and he was happy. He looked down on the picture of his daughter and couldn't help smile at the face she was pulling.
”I need to get going,” he said and rose. ”I’m sorry, I’ll catch up tomorrow, but the family needs me.”
Zayn didn’t know it at the time, but it was the last album they recorded as One Direction. Had he known, he would probably have done some things differently. Maybe he would have spoken more with the lads, all of them. Really letting them know that he had loved the time he had spent with them, even if he had lived with a broken heart some of that time. Had he known that he would never spend more time with Liam, that they would never get over that conversation on the night before his wedding, he might have done some things differently. He had loved Liam, he really had. The timing had never been on their side though.
As he grew older Zayn would think about One Direction, and mainly about Liam, from time to time. But then something in his wonderfully hectic and chaotic life would demand his attention and he would forget about it again.