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Yoongi was twenty-one when he was diagnosed with cancer.
It had a long, scientific name but he couldn’t remember it, couldn’t be bothered to. All he knew now was that his life wouldn’t turn out the way he had planned it to and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that.
He stared at the phone in his hand as he sat in the waiting room, his finger hovering over the numbers of those most important to him, because the doctor had advised him not to go through this alone. He could call his parents, maybe, or his hyung, but he thought better of it; he didn’t need them worrying about him. Besides, he didn’t want them to travel all the way from Daegu to Seoul just because he couldn’t take better care of his own health. As he sat, slumped in the uncomfortable hospital chair, he weighed his options. He could call one of his members, he mused, but he didn’t know which one.
Namjoon had enough to deal with, considering that he was the leader and there was enough burden placed on Seokjin-hyung’s wide, wide shoulders, what with him being the oldest. He wouldn’t want to burden them further.
Jungkook was too young to deal with this and both Taehyung and Jimin were too innocent to handle their hyung being sick. He couldn’t do that to them.
He ended up dialling Hoseok’s number, but hung up the moment the younger answered the call with a sleepy ‘hyung?’
He couldn’t do that to Hoseok either. Hoseok, who their fans called their ‘sunshine’, who cheered the other members up when they were down, whose smile makes Yoongi happy because it’s so damn infectious. No, he couldn’t make the sunshine sad; Hoseok was too sensitive.
He took the bus back to the dorm instead – grateful that the group was not yet popular enough for him to be recognized in public – and ignored all of Hoseok’s calls. He couldn’t talk to him now. Not yet.
And when Hoseok asked him what was wrong when he was back at the dorm, he lied and told him that it was nothing; he was fine. He couldn’t bear to tell him. Not yet. Just not yet so he went to sleep pretending everything was okay and he hoped that Hoseok believed that too.
x---x
He slowly pushed the other members away, coming up with all the excuses he could think of, usually claiming he was tired or busy writing new lyrics and composing new songs, spending more time in the studio than in the dorm. He made sure to keep them a safe distance away from the truth. They didn’t need to know.
Hoseok showed up at the studio every Friday night, like he always did, just to exchange lyrics and notes or just hang out. Three out of five times, Yoongi found a way to get him to stay away, claiming that he needed time alone, and the kicked puppy look on Hoseok’s face whenever he did hurt more than the cancer.
It’s better this way, he told himself repeatedly.
x---x
Hoseok found out by accident. It was inevitable and Yoongi knew it.
They had been in the dorm alone while Namjoon was in the studio working on new lyrics and the maknaes and Seokjin were practicing in the dance studio. He hadn’t meant for Hoseok to find him in the bathroom, puking up blood for the first time since his diagnosis. Hoseok wasn’t even supposed to be home. He was supposed to be practicing like the rest of them but being Hoseok, he had decided that he would check on Yoongi to make sure he was alright. Of course, Yoongi was far from alright when he found him.
Hoseok was stood, crying in front of him and it hurt to see him cry. It hurt to know that he was the one who caused it. It hurt to know that Hoseok, who was always smiling and always cheerful, was sad and crying because of him.
“I don’t understand why you didn’t just tell us...tell me. We could have helped you. I could have been there for you. We all would.”
Yoongi looked away.
It’s better this way, was on the tip of his tongue but the pain and sadness in Hoseok’s eyes told him not to say it.
Instead, he told him that he could take care of himself but Hoseok pulled him into a hug and told him he’d be there for him now. Yoongi didn’t argue.
x---x
Yoongi got weaker day by day. He ate less and slept more but continued working, continued practicing because he couldn’t let his illness get in the way of his dream, his passion. And he couldn’t let his members down; he didn’t want to fall behind. The others were starting to get worried about Yoongi’s physical state but he waved them off with even more excuses. Hoseok had tried and failed so many times to get him to stop, to rest or to tell the other members because they deserved to know but Yoongi couldn’t do either of those things.
“Promise me you won’t tell them, Hoseok,”
“Hyung-“
“Hoseok, please. They can’t find out. I don’t want them worrying about me. I don’t want them to have to deal with this. I never wanted you to deal with this. Please. I’ll tell them when I’m ready but not now.”
“Okay, okay. I promise.” Hoseok had reluctantly agreed with the condition that Yoongi wouldn’t hide anything from him, that he would tell him when he was in pain and that he would at least tell their managers.
So he did. He told their managers and they didn’t take it well. First came shock, then confusion, then sadness. They looked at Yoongi with such sad and terrified eyes because they knew what cancer meant and what cancer entailed. They had wanted to take Yoongi out of Bangtan but Yoongi refused, screamed even; because Bangtan was now his life and he couldn’t leave, not when he’d come so far. They wanted him to take chemotherapy too but that meant that he wouldn’t be able to do his best at music shows and that wasn’t an option.
They had dragged him to the hospital despite his refusal and attempts to get away. Both managers were assured by the doctor that he wouldn’t need chemotherapy at this stage and gave Yoongi a bag of medication instead.
Hoseok made sure he took his medication every day.
x---x
It was almost the end of the year, four months after their debut, two and a half months after Yoongi was diagnosed with cancer and a month and three weeks since Hoseok found out about it. They’d grown very popular in such a short time. Each time they were on a music show, the fan chants would get a bit louder and Yoongi was so grateful to have such amazing fans, supporting them and loving them. And just when Yoongi thought that things were looking up for both him and his group, he took a turn for the worst.
They had been in Japan to complete an overseas schedule, to perform for their Japanese fans when Yoongi felt a sharp pain in his stomach and panicked. He told Hoseok and the managers and was sent back to Korea immediately to receive treatment.
They released an official statement and told everyone that it was appendicitis. The fans believed them, the press believed them but the members were suspicious.
Apparently, the cancer had spread faster than the doctor had expected; faster than anyone had expected and they decided that Yoongi was to go through chemotherapy immediately. Yoongi opposed to the idea violently, trashing in his bed and screamed, “You can’t do this to me! I don’t want to be stuck on a hospital bed! I want to be performing with the other members! I want to rap for the fans!” All his arguments were ignored by the doctors and managers as they discussed Yoongi’s new treatment.
Desperate, Yoongi tried one last time, “What about my hair?!”
x---x
Yoongi was stubborn, and the managers knew this all too well so they were prepared. Yoongi should have expected this.
He had asked that he was at least allowed to attend the concerts in Japan, perform with his members like he wanted and they had agreed…but, and Yoongi really should have expected this, with the condition that he told all the other members about his condition so that they would be able to watch out for him.
He almost took back his request because he really did not want to burden his members any more than he already had through this scare. He also didn’t want to make any more of his members cry. Seeing Hoseok cry was painful enough. He didn’t know if he would be able to handle Jimin crying.
“They’re coming here for a visit. Tell them then,” Yoongi turned his head away in immature indignation and stared out the window. He heard a sigh from one of his managers.
“They deserve to know, Yoongi.” The door to his room shut with a click.
They deserved to know, but he didn’t want them to know.
x---x
The members came the next day, just like Hobeom-hyung said. They crowded around his bed, worry etched on all their faces as they looked down on Yoongi lying in his hospital bed. Hoseok was standing by the end of the bed, smiling at him encouragingly, if not a little sadly.
Yoongi felt guilty.
“Hyung are you okay?”
“How long will you stay in the hospital?”
“Yoongi-hyung, don’t leave us.” That last statement from Taehyung made everyone stop and stare at the boy.
“Yah! Don’t say that. Yoongi-hyung isn’t dying. Right, hyung?” Yoongi looked into Jimin’s eyes that were filled with anticipation and let out a heavy sigh. He got up slowly, careful not to tangle or disconnect any wires from his body and sat up straight, his arm on the bed to support his weight.
He didn’t know how to word his news carefully and ended up blurting out, “I have cancer.”
He closed his eyes when he heard the shouts of “what!” and opened them to find shocked faces and a teary eyed Hoseok. Yoongi just wanted to reach out to him and take his hand.
x---x
Slowly, Yoongi started to lose his hair and started to wear wigs to broadcasts. His members teased him at first, and he was relieved that the atmosphere wasn’t so heavy anymore. After a while, though, no one could really ignore why Yoongi had to wear the wig in the first place.
They tried, though, and Yoongi was grateful.
He put his façade on for the fans and pushed through all the broadcasts, all the fan meets, all the events against the wishes of his member and staff.
Yoongi was stubborn.
x---x
Yoongi couldn’t remember when it started, when Hoseok started sleeping in the same room, the same bed; when Hoseok and Seokjin decided that it was best that they exchanged rooms so that Hoseok could sleep in the same room as him. All he remembered was waking up in the middle of the night, his body shivering and covered in cold sweat, to find a pair of lean arms tightening around him and Hoseok whispering comforting and encouraging words in his ear before they both slowly fell back to sleep.
He didn’t mind.
x---x
Yoongi sobbed as another dry heave wrecked his body. His fingers tightened around the cold porcelain of the toilet seat as he threw up the remainder of his non-existent dinner while Hoseok rubbed soothing circles on his back. He was whispering comforting words in his ear, though; he wasn’t sure who he was trying to comfort. Yoongi suspected it was himself.
“It’ll be okay, hyung, everything will be fine.”
Yoongi wanted so badly to believe him but he didn’t know how he could so he didn’t bother trying.
---
He had lost a lot of weight, so much so that he could wear nothing but baggy clothes to hide his weak form. The fans were worried but Yoongi brushed them off. “It’s just because we’ve been working really hard,” he had said. “I’ll eat more and gain it back I promise!” All lies.
His members, his managers, Bang PD and especially Hoseok had all insisted that he stop because it was too much for him. Yoongi wouldn’t let them stop him, wouldn’t let his cancer stop him; if he was going to die, he was going to live his last moments doing the things he loved even if it meant his dancing wasn’t as sharp as before or that his rapping wasn’t as strong as it used to be.
---
Bangtan had had their 2nd win when Yoongi’s cancer developed to stage three.
Hoseok had accompanied him to the hospital with their managers and had cried more than Yoongi did. It pained Yoongi to see him like that but he had no idea what he was supposed to do.
He just didn’t know what to do.
When they had their 3rd win, no one could really be happy.
---
It was 10 months after he was diagnosed that Yoongi realized that somewhere along the way, somewhere between dry heaves, midnight cuddles, tears and comforting words, he had fallen in love with Hoseok, with one of his best friends. It was like a punch to the gut, an ache in his chest.
---
It was Hoseok’s twenty-second birthday when Yoongi woke up to his screams.
His arms were tightly wound around his thin waist as he buried his face in the back of Yoongi’s neck, his eyes clenched tight. He was sobbing.
“Please don’t leave me,” he whispered, so softly, Yoongi almost missed it. He hated how small Hoseok sounded.
“I won’t,” he knew it was an empty promise but one could hope, couldn’t they?
It was Hoseok’s twenty-second birthday when Yoongi realized that Hoseok was in love with him too. It was bittersweet.
The next morning, none of the members even mentioned hearing anything.
---
Yoongi wanted to scream when he realized that his condition was getting worse.
He was receiving new medication from the hospital but he was ready to give up hope. He knew the new medicine wouldn’t help any more than the previous ones had but he kept his brave face on for Hoseok who was looking so hopeful.
He would try for him. He would do it for his members. He would do it for the fans.
---
Bangtan had their third anniversary when his cancer moved on to stage four and he lost all hope. He was just too tired to care. He was tired of all the drugs, all the medication and all the false hope.
He was dying and he knew it. There was no point denying it, no point trying to hide it, just...no point.
He wanted to make the most of what time he had left. He wanted to be a normal human again. He wanted to remember what it felt like to feel.
He was sure Hoseok didn’t agree with his choices, didn’t want him to give up, but he didn’t say a word and simply left it. For that, he fell even deeper in love with him.
---
Yoongi felt like she was taking away his life, his freedom. All he ever did now was take care of him; look out for him; worry about him. She felt guilty. Extremely so.
He wished he could be more for him. He deserved more.
---
Yoongi was twenty-four when he died of cancer.
Hoseok woke up one night to find him still in his arms, but unmoving, his pale skin cold to the touch.
He didn’t know what else to do but cry. He screamed and sobbed, waking the other members in the process as they barged into their shared room. They called the ambulance but they knew it was too late…their hyung was gone.
x---x
The funeral was dull and gloomy. The youngest three were clinging onto each other and crying softly. Namjoon was standing beside them, wiping his eyes harshly while Seokjin’s arm was around his shoulders as he sniffed quietly.
There was a gathering of fans outside the funeral venue, all carrying torches and crying at the loss of their beloved idol.
And Hoseok? Hoseok was standing in front of the coffin, his sunshine smile nowhere to be seen as his eyes glimmered with unshed tears.
He regretted it. He regretted not telling Yoongi how he felt before it was too late. He hated that Yoongi died without knowing how much Hoseok loved him.
---
Bangtan announced their break a week after Yoongi’s death.
It didn’t come as a surprise to anyone.
No one in Bangtan could bear to even touch the studio; it had been Yoongi’s second home. Every lick and corner reminded the boys of their lost member.
Namjoon had to get used to the fact that he didn’t have Yoongi to go to for music advice anymore. Seokjin didn’t have Yoongi to nag at to eat anymore. Jimin wouldn’t get to whine when Yoongi pinched his cheeks anymore. Taehyung and Jungkook wouldn’t have Yoongi to watch anime with them or play basketball with them anymore.
Hoseok had to get used to not waking up with Yoongi in his arms anymore.
---
A month passed before Hoseok even dared to step into the studio again because he missed it. He missed the music and if he were to be honest, he missed making music with Yoongi and this was the closest he could get to the real thing.
He didn’t, however, expect a recording in one of the files that said ‘For Hoseok’. Curious, he clicked play.
“Hoseok-ah,” Yoongi’s deep and calming voice filled the room, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything you had to go through because of me. Thank you for taking care of me so well. Don’t miss me too much when I’m gone, okay?.” There was a small laugh on the other end and Hoseok choked on his sob as he tried to laugh too.
“Take care of everyone for me and make sure those idiots don’t get into trouble. Tell them not to cry and ask them to listen to the songs I wrote,” there was a bit of shuffling before, “Don’t be sad. You know I hate it when you don’t smile.” A pause, “I love you, Hoseok-ah, and I know you loved me too. Thank you for loving me”
Hoseok’s sobs grew louder as he broke down. He knew. Yoongi knew and that was all that mattered.
x---x
Hoseok was twenty-four when Bangtan had announced their long awaited comeback.
Two of the songs on the track had a star next to each and under the titles were ‘Producer: Suga’.
The title track was a piece they all worked on and the music video was released on Yoongi’s birthday.
At the end of the video was a message but only the members knew who it was from.
‘For Yoongi’
‘I love you’