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It was two nights before my harrowing. I was nothing but nerves as I met Cullen near the docks. Oh dear sweet Cullen. He had always been nice to me one of my only friends here at the circle in Ferelden. Lately he had seemed a bit off. “There you are” he said walking up shortly after I had arrived at the pier.
“What's this all about Cullen?” I asked as he moved past me to the very end of our lonely pier.
“Nothing, just one of our nightly meetings is all” he replied sitting down. His armored feet just barely touching the water. He stared out over the horizon and said no more for a time.
I sighed and half smiled at the silly man I grew quite fond of over the years since we had met. I took a seat next to him and joined him in since watching the lighthouse and the mainland. It was an easy silence; one of contentment within the presence of one another. “You didn't really answer my question” I said nudging him with my shoulder. His armor clanked quietly as he moved against my nudging.
“I can't enjoy a simple night of stargazing with a good friend without my motives being questioned?”
“No, dear heart, you can't”
He fidfeted nervously beside me before he spoke, “Your harrowing…”
“What about it?” I asked looking at him.
“Are you sure you are ready for it?” he said his amber eyes meeting my awful brownish red ones.
“I would not be taking part if I were not ready, nor if the first enchanted thought otherwise.” I explained looking back out over the calm waters. “I am strong, and confident in my abilities. I will not fail.”
I could feel his gaze upon me. It was not the usually templar glare but something more yearning as it were. “If you believe it so...then so do I” his words were almost a whisper in the night as we continued to watch the night for longer than we should have.
Long peaceful moments passed. We were both growing sleepy, and we both would be busy the next couple of days before my harrowing. It was a terrifying thought. I knew Cullen would be there. The knight commander knew of our growing relationship and would test it when the time came. We both stood, not yet ready to go our separate ways for the night. There was much unsaid and that would most likely left unsaid for some time. “Good night, Cullen” I said as a gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. It was all that I had to offer, hopefully it be enough for now.
“Sweet dreams, Zalenas.” I heard him whisper as I walked back to the tower alone and made my way back to my quarters.
× × × ×
After my harrowing Cullen had been more difficult than usual to locate. Not to account for all that was happening and all that I had agreed to help now that I was free of most of my studies. We had managed to cross paths in the hallway. News of a grey warden had spread and I was to meet with the first enchanted about it. Cullen seemed even more nervous than he usually had been for some reason. “There you are” I smiled as I caught him unawares.
“Oh! Zalenas” he startled a bit as he turned to face me. I loved it when was at a loss for words. Made him even more adorable.
“I passed my harrowing. When I'm done with my business for the day would you like to meet at the docks?” I asked him with my best smile.
“I see that. The very thought of you failing...no I will not say anymore on that.” he said catching himself in a moment of vulnerability. “I would like that, more than you know…”
“Maybe do a bit more than just star gazing?”
“I-uh well that is….I will meet you later” he said as he hurried past me at the thoughts that I could see plainly on his face creep into his mind. I couldn't help but smile. Maybe our fondness for each other had grown; i could only hope as I went to meet with the first enchanter.
× × × ×
That was a right shit storm that idiotic son of a bitch had gotten me into. On top of things conscripted by the grey warden and taken before I even had a chance to say anything to Cullen. What he must think of me now. I dreaded the thoughts, the look on his face when he realized that what had happened really had happened. That I was really gone from him. My heart ached as I walked through the camp here at Ostegar. Met the other two that were to join me and found a mahbari. Poor thing was sick. If we ventured out to the wilds I would make sure to keep an eye out for this flower to help the creature.
Not long after exploring the camp further, speaking to the king and his adviser I found another warden. He had come with Duncan to oversee the joining of the three of us conscripts. “Alistair is my name. Pleasure to make your acquaintance” he said cheerfully as a rather rumpled mage stormed off. His smile reminded me of Cullen’s, but his personality was much more unbridled it seemed.
“It is a pleasure to meet you as well Alistair. My name is Zalenas.” I said giving him a genuine smile.
We talked for only a few moments, though it seemed like forever before we remembered that we to meet with Duncan and the others. “Lead the way” he said as we made our way to Duncan's fire. As well as the start of the rest of most of our lives.
× × × ×
I stood in horror at the entrance to the tower I once called home. Over run with demons and abominations. I could not believe what I was seeing. Only half listening to Morrigan and Alistair bicker and try to come up with a plan with the knight commander. Soon we were on our way to trying to save the place I once called home. We had met with Wynn and she had led those to safety.
It did not take us long to reach where the knight commander had said Cullen was trapped. “Cullen!” I exclaimed my heart racing with joy to see him unharmed.
“STAY BACK! I SAID BACK YOU DEMON!” he cried out. “I will not fall prey to your illusions.
My heart sank just as quickly as it had risen. Demon? I was not a demon.
I reached out to try and lower the barrier “Cullen its me, Zalenas...don't you remember me?” I asked, I could feel the tears fighting their way out of my eyes.
“No, no, just another way to try to get me to falter. I will not. You will not use her against me.” he said. I could hear his voice breaking as began his chant.
I felt my heart shatter as if it were thrown against the tower walls. “Cullen...its me…” I tried once again to get through to him; to make him look at me to make him see I was here and he didn't have to worry about me. “Cullen please”
“Zals?” Alistairs warm hand on my should as I knelt in front of a chanting Cullen.
“Oh just leave him already and let us be done with this” Morrigan said. The slight warmth in her at the sight of me betrayed her coldness.
“Come on Zals the sooner we finish this the sooner we can actually help him” Alistair said to me softly helping me away from the man that I still cared for.
I shed silent tears as we made our way. Whoever did this to him will pay with their lives. I stealed my resolve as we made it to the harrowing chamber.
After all was said an done I stood alone at the pier where Cullen and I used to sit and watch the night pass us by. It was going to be difficult to face him if we could even face each other at all. I felt the night air, now calm blow through my hair and over my face. To think I would have had a warm welcome home was foolish.
There were voices near the entrance to the tower. It was Cullen and the knight commander. They were arguing. I focused on the water as the voices died down. I hoped against all hope Cullen would come join me. The footsteps that approached were not his though. They were cautious and trying ever so hard to be quiet. “Zalenas?” it was Alistair. Any company was welcome at this point.
I turned and gave him the best smile I could muster through the tears that fell silently down my cheeks. The concern evident on his face as he came closer. My smile faded as he laid his hands on my shoulders and stared me down with his big brown eyes. I broke. He took me in his arms as the flood gates opened and I could hold back no longer. He only held me tighter as I screamed and cried into the night.
× × × ×
As time passed and we build our party and filled the warden contracts I had found myself growing fonder and fonder of this goof that also called himself a grey warden. We had been through thick and thin. He had seen me st my lowest and still stayed by my side. One night as we camped we managed to slip away from the others, away from prying eyes of our spy and assassin as well as the most dwarves and Morrigan. Sitting under an old oak we watched the stars. For the first time in a long time I felt content again. My heart felt as if it risen from the shattered pieces I had left behind at the circle. “Oh look that cloud there, looks like a nug. How cute” Alistair gushed as we watched the clouds roam over the moon shielding us from its glow for a few moments.
“That one looks like one of those flowers from around Ostegar” I pointed up at another cloud.
It was not long before we fell in an easy silence. His hand finding mine as I lay my head on his broad and strong shoulders. We sat for what felt like hours before we made up our minds to stand to make the small trek back to our company. “Zalenas?”
“Yes?” I said turning to face him as I walked ahead. He had stopped. As if he didn't want to go back. He closed the gap and grabbed my hand once more before kissing me. The shock was sudden and for a moment I could not think straight. Soon I melted into him as his arms wrapped around me and he held me there.
Soon we broke apart, both of us needing air. “There. Now we can go back” he smiled down at me his embrace still holding me steadfast.
“A few more moments won't hurt” I grinned and kissed him again.
× × × ×
The arch demon had been defeated and Thedas was safe again for everyone. Alistair and I stood as Morrigan disappeared. He was still angry with me. For the second time my heart was broken at what I had done to a man who had done no wrong to me but love me dearly. I would not be surprised if he sent me away after all was done and he was king of Ferelden.
His blazing glare was evident as we made our way down to meet with everyone. What have I done? I asked myself as there were cheers from all around. He righted himself just enough to leave me to my thoughts.
After the victory festivities I stood watching our friends and everyone from the balcony to my quarters. Soon he would be crowned king and choose a wife. Cahlen’s widow was content with leaving with Master Cousland and starting a new life. “Room for one more up here?” a familiar voice asked. His steps had become more trained over time and he was able to sneak up on me this time.
“If you wish to share company with me for a time.” I said. The pain and hurt evident in my voice.
“I always wish to share company with you my love” he said leaning on the banister. His voice quiet and loving even after certain events.
‘My love’, after what I did to you?
“You will be king tomorrow. You will have to choose a wife.” I said looking down at Zevran and Ogren in drunken song.
He looked at me. His confused look managing to break my wall as usual. I explained to him about how I was a mage and being a warden we both knew it would be difficult to have any children. Smiling he stood and placed his hands on my shoulders facing him. “Then the rest of Ferelden will just have to deal with it now won't they?” he said kissing me with the same passion and eagerness as our first night together.
“But what about Morrigan? Alistair she's out there and doing maker knows what.” I said after we had broken apart.
“I know. You were only doing what you had to. We will confront Morrigan eventually, but right now is what I am more concerned about.” he explained taking me into his loving arms.
I buried my face into the soft leathers of his check plates. I would have my happy ending after all. He had forgiven me and yes we would confront Morrigan; but this. This is what mattered right at this moment.
The next day he been crowned king of Ferelden. I was to be queen by his side until our last dying breathe and into the beyond. We could not have been happier.
It was a few days before I was to set out the Amaranthe I had received a letter. “Letter for you, your highness” the servant said as he handed me the parchment and went about his business. I had to be quick about reading It, Alistair was not one to wait on our monthly date night.
The letter had been from Cullen. My heart ached as it remembered what we had been before, then what had happened after. I had moved on, and did not want to much hear what he had to say. I read the letter anyway.
He said that was happy for me and then he wished me many good years as queen. Regretting what had happened he had thought it best for me to not say goodbye and tell me he had been assigned a new posting in Kirkwall.
I shed a single tear thinking of what could have been. Then I remembered what I had now. A loving husband, a faithful Mahbari, and a kingdom to look after. I gave the letter a quick kiss before stashing it away. The past was past now. We both were at peace with ourselves and I knew he would find a way to move on as I have. I waisted no time then to make sure that I was not late for dinner or there would be no after dinner shenanigans.