Work Text:
Akaashi: bokuto
Bokuto: akaashi
Akaashi: can you come over and just
Akaashi: im just having a hard time today
Bokuto: oh no !!!
Bokuto: bokuto’s professional cuddling and cheering up services, coming right up!!!!
Bokuto: (ill be there soon)
Akaashi: thanks, bo
Akaashi sits on his bed scrolling through his phone as he waits for Bokuto. Sometimes things get like this again - when everything felt monochromatic and cold and pointless - and he’ll sit on his phone and refresh the same apps over and over even though nothing new pops up. He’s learned that even though the last thing he wants to do is reach out, it’s usually the thing that helps the most. He used to feel bad about it. He’d reassure Bokuto over and over that he didn’t have to come if he didn’t want to, and Bokuto would reassure him right back that he wanted to be there.
So they fell into a pattern. Sometimes they would just hang out, almost like normal except for Akaashi’s silence, but Bokuto would talk and laugh enough for both of them. Other times he’d walk in and find Akaashi curled in his bed, and Akaashi would just lift the covers and wait for Bokuto to climb in. Sometimes he’d talk (although it took him a while to feel like he could be honest without freaking Bo out, and without feeling incredibly guilty for talking about his problems). Akaashi had told him once, wrapped up in his arms and pressed tightly to his chest, that he felt pathetic and weak, needing attention and physical affection like this. Bokuto had just rubbed his back and kissed his hair and told him that sometimes, you just needed a hug.
Today seems like one of the latter days. Akaashi doesn’t have the energy to fake it, not today, not with Bokuto. He just wants to exist without feeling guilty for it, even if only for an hour.
When Bokuto shows up at his door not fifteen minutes later with a plastic bag of sweets from the shop down the street (pros of being friends with Kuroo, who worked there and offered them his employee discount), Akaashi lets him in with a soft “hey” and a weak smile. He stands by his bed and listens to Bokuto ramble on about the line at the sweets shop as he slips his shoes off and starts puttering around Akaashi’s dorm room.
“...and then the lady in front of me, she reminded me so much of Saeko, dude. Remember her, from high school? She was the sister of that guy with the buzzcut on Karasuno...Tanaka! He was so awesome! Anyway, so this woman gets up to the counter with, like, three bags of that konpeito candy, and Kuroo, being the friendly gentleman he is, asks, “Oh, are those treats for someone special?” And this woman just - all deadpan, Keiji, no emotion - she goes, “They’re for my brother’s kids. He taped a goddamn harmonica to my tailpipe. This is payback.” She’s gonna, oh man, Keiji, those kids are gonna lose it!” Bokuto hoots with laughter as he sorts through the dirty laundry scattered around Akaashi’s floor. Akaashi can’t help but chuckle. Bokuto lights up at the sound. “Hah! Told you I was a professional!” he crows.
“Yeah, Bo,” Akaashi mumbles. He waits until Bokuto’s done piling all the dirty dishes on his desk (he knows he’ll insist on washing them later, while dancing badly to K-pop hits) and he appears satisfied with the state of his room in general before he goes and sits on the bed.
Bokuto takes a deep breath and leans against the desk. “Alright, ‘Kaashi. Now that your room’s acceptable, what do you wanna do?”
Akaashi shrugs, eyes cast downwards. Even with all of Bokuto’s reassurances, he’s still...guilty? Embarrassed, maybe? Because he’s twenty-one, and he should be able to do all this on his own, but sometimes it just feels like a lot.
“Keiji,” Bokuto says. “Keiji, please look at me.”
Akaashi does. He can hardly refuse Bokuto anything.
He watches as Bokuto comes closer, sits down next to him. “We can do anything, or nothing. It’s up to you. I just like being around you. And--” Bokuto interrupts the breath Akaashi’s taking to apologize for asking him over, for bothering him, for existing maybe? “And, I want to be here,” he finishes.
Akaashi just nods. “Can we, um. Can we just…” he mumbles, gesturing vaguely towards the bed.
Bokuto smiles, that soft, warm smile that makes Akaashi’s heart glow and his chest loosen just a bit. “Yeah, Keiji. Of course.”
He waits for Akaashi to lie down and settle the pillows how he wants, then lies down next to him and tugs the blanket over both of them. As usual, he waits for Akaashi to curl up at his side and rest his head on his chest before touching him. Bokuto wraps an arm around Akaashi’s back and rubs his thumb over the patch of skin he can reach on Akaashi’s bicep.
Akaashi lets out a breath he feels like he’s been holding for days.
They stay like that for a little - just breathing, existing. Akaashi listens as Bokuto’s breathing gets slower and more even. When he’s sure Bokuto’s dozed off, he presses his face against Bokuto’s chest and whispers, “I’m supposed to be getting better.”
He feels Bokuto startle awake, but he knows he won’t say anything until Akaashi’s done. He’d had to explain to Bokuto at first that sometimes, he just wanted to say the words out loud - that it helped him feel like he wasn’t faking what he was feeling. He just needed to get them out in the open, so they no longer held so much power over him. He’d explained that he knew Bokuto wasn’t a professional or anything and that he didn’t expect or even really want advice; he just wanted someone to share the burden a little, every once in a while. (It had taken them a few times until Bokuto was okay with being quiet.)
“It’s like, I’m doing everything they want me to do, and it’s still just...fucking hard, sometimes,” he continues, mumbling into Bokuto’s chest. “Sometimes I just wonder if it’s worth trying at all. Like, if this is where putting effort in gets me...why bother, you know?”
Bokuto doesn’t say anything, just curls his other arm around Akaashi’s waist and tugs him closer.
Akaashi sighs. “I know that this doesn’t go away overnight, and I know it’s hard as shit, and I know I expect too much of myself sometimes. It’s just...it’s just really shitty to feel like this and try so hard to do what they say will make me feel better, and then still feel like this and not get anywhere.”
He pauses, focusing on where Bokuto’s hand is rubbing at the small of his back. “Okay,” he hums eventually. “‘M good.”
Bokuto presses a kiss to the crown of Akaashi’s head. “Keiji, I know you don’t want advice,” he says, quiet but determined to be heard. Akaashi nods and lets him keep going. “I just want you to know that I’m here for you, as long as you’ll have me, and that I think you’re strong as hell, and also that I forgot to tell you but I brought The Princess Bride and we could watch that, if you wanted.”
Akaashi giggles and curls closer. “Thanks, Kou,” he mumbles. “The Princess Bride sounds great.”