Work Text:
“Our mayor, Jack Morrison, has called an emergency press conference to announce the opening of the new Omnic Park. After assuring the press that the park will be open to all visitors he has been taken aside by his trusted aide, Ana Amari. After a short exchange, the conference resumed, and the mayor recanted his former statement, saying: ‘There is no Omnic Park, and, besides, there are no Omnics in the Omnic Park. Neither there are any humans. Or dogs. Or cats. Or Reaperbeans. The Omnic Park does not exist and it has never existed.’ Then, the mayor stalked off the stage muttering under his breath: ‘Damn beans. Everywhere, beans.’ I’ll take this moment to remind you, listeners, that any and all sightings of Reaperbeans are to be reported to Blackwatch Secret Police, after all, we can’t have the poor little things running without supervision since they are prone to undeniably hilarious, and disastrous, accidents.
Dear listeners, some of you inquired after our resident gorilla, aptly named Winston, stuck upside down on the ceiling of the station’s recreation room. He is feeling well and thanks you for the peanut butter offerings, in exchange he presents us all with a warning: ‘They are on the Moon. They are waiting. The time of reckoning is nearing’.
On that note, what it is about the Moon? Is it made out of cheese, just like Miss Hana’s favorite snacks that leave such a vibrant color on her graceful perfect fingers? Just this morning I passed Miss Hana Song in the produce section of our favorite shop, and she was radiant while she levitated next to the cantaloupes, posting selfies in the company of none other than Zenyatta, who held a different flavor of Mountain Dew – including the transitory Irradiated Red Dust one – in each of his six astral hands. I wish Miss Hana would levitate freely in my humble company.
In other news, the head of Blackwatch Secret Police denied several allegations of defacing the mayor’s statue with lewd graffiti. ‘There are no witnesses,’ he assured. When faced with the photographic proof, several Blackwatch operatives – comprising of an old western cowboy, a cyborg ninja and an oriental archer with an exposed nipple – appeared and then confiscated the pictures as classified evidence. ‘There are no witnesses,’ Sheriff Reyes repeated again through gritted teeth.”