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Magnus fell into nightmares.
They rolled over him in waves. Each nightmare started as a dream, a fond memory.
Learning to cook over a kitchen hearth with his mother.
Going to the river to fish with his stepfather.
Strolling through the Crystal Palace, fawning over the adorable kittens, with ruby red lips hiding fangs whispering sweet nothings into his ear.
A dark-haired angel, worshipping his body with light fingertips and lips and tongue until the heavens themselves sang.
The flash of a timid smile and the hardening tendrils of time slipping away, leaving only the promise of youth and a beautiful future ahead.
Then the pain would sear into his skin and each memory would twist, twist into an agonizing perversion of its former bliss.
- his mother’s body, bloodied and broken in the barn, the kris still clutched in her hand -
“Magnus, wake up, you’re dreaming again, wake up!”
- lungs burning with water, searching for air, a surge of raw power, and as he pulled air back into his scorching lungs, seeing the pile of ash that used to be his stepfather -
“Magnus, please breathe for me, you’re scaring me, breathe, dammit!”
- thunderstorms rolling overhead as the winds whipped around him, feet precarious on the edge of Blackfriars Bridge, despair roiling in the waters below, calling out to him -
“Magnus, Magnus, please be sleepwalking, no no, don’t go up there, no get back -”
- hands he loved shoving him back against a cold wall, forcing him into a chair, gagging him as cold dead eyes brought a knife to his throat -
“Magnus, I’m sorry, I’m backing away, I’m sorry, please come out of there please come back to me -”
- the icy grip of time coming back to harden around his heart, making him cold, making him unflinching, calcifying his existence into this hard shell of a broken man -
Magnus woke up with a start, sitting up in one fluid movement, planting his feet on the ground and hands on the couch on either side of him. He closed his eyes, steadying his breathing until it returned to normal.
When he opened his eyes, Alec was kneeling in front of him, hands hovering over his knees, but not touching.
“Magnus?” Alec asked gently. “Can you hear me?”
“I’m awake. I’m not dreaming anymore. That last nightmare is mine to battle. In the real world.”
Alec looked at him curiously. “What do you mean? I thought your nightmares were about what has happened.”
“Most of them were. But this one is of things that could be. And that’s where I have a choice to make.”
“A choice?” Alec’s voice was suddenly hoarse, no doubt all sorts of possibilities and fears swirling through his mind.
“The life of an immortal… if you don’t keep yourself open, if you don’t keep yourself open to possibilities, to love, to experiences… you’ll start to calcify. Turn hard. Frozen in emotions as your worst self. Some find it easier, then they don’t need to care anymore, and don’t have to worry about the inevitable heartbreak and pain of life. It’s something I’ve always tried to avoid, but still felt creeping up on me. Until…”
“Until?”
“Until I met you.” Magnus smiled a small smile, a genuine smile that reached his eyes. “I met you and… it stopped. I saw in colour again. I wanted, I dreamed, I yearned. You got under my skin, Alexander Lightwood, and made me want to live, not just exist.”
“So this nightmare…”
“Is that siren’s call of the peace to be found in not feeling. With everything that’s happened… going into its cold embrace would take that pain away. No highs, no lows. Just an eternal middle. A cold emotionless peace.”
“W… will you?”
Magnus smiled again. “No. Because despite all the pain, despite all of it that I’ll still be remembering for I don’t know how long, the highs are worth it. I want to see colour. I want to feel. But most importantly, I want you.”
Alec’s breath hitched and his eyes grew wide. He swallowed hard, trying to form a sentence, but no words came out of his mouth.
“We’ll still be dealing with this for some time, let me be honest about that.” Magnus said softly. “There will be good days and there will be bad days. But I won’t push you away. I can’t do that. I need you here, with me, to be able to heal. If you’ll have me.”
“Of course. Of course.”
Magnus grasped one of Alec’s hands, that were still hovering over his knees, bringing it to his lips with both hands, kissing the palm lightly. Alec relaxed into the touch, tension melting out of his body.
Magnus got to his feet, pulling Alec up with him. He held both of Alec’s hands in his, as they gazed into each other’s eyes, this time both free of the pain and anguish.
This time, with hope.
“Please hold me.” Magnus said.
Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus immediately, and Magnus sighed in happiness, relaxing into the warmth of the embrace.
“Always.” Alec whispered. “Always.”
This was the peace that Magnus needed.