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Yuuri didn’t have panic attacks; his anxiety oftentimes manifested itself in more creative and complex ways than downright panic and the sensation of impending death.
After years of thought and introspection, Yuuri came to the conclusion that his anxiety was like a parasite. It constantly lurked inside of him, and as the years passed by it continued to eat away at him.
When Yuuri was younger, he felt like he could handle it. Well, maybe not handle it, but he found ways to deal with the suffocating aches in his chest and the knots in his stomach and the never-ending stream of “Why do you even try?” and “You’re just embarrassing yourself,” and “You’ll never be good enough.”
Now though, at the age of twenty-four, he’s just tired. He’s tired of worrying over minor issues, and getting so worked up that he has to sprint to the nearest bathroom to vomit. Mostly though, he’s tired of having to conceal an entire facet of himself from Viktor.
Sweet, kind, and totally oblivious Viktor. Not to say that Viktor wasn’t perceptive; on the contrary, Viktor was extremely intuitive and perceptive when it came to anything involving Yuuri. He had become frighteningly good at reading Yuuri’s moods, thoughts, and mannerisms given that they’ve only known each other for little over a year now.
Yuuri was prone to nervous ticks, and almost every time he started to wiggle his leg in his seat of rub his hands together while anxiously awaiting his score at a competition, Viktor would calmly lace their fingers together and raise their joined hands to kiss each of Yuuri’s fingers individually. This would undoubtedly make Yuuri blush to the roots of his hair, especially when Viktor paid extra love and attention to the finger that housed the gold band that he’d started wearing religiously a few months ago.
More than that, this simple act grounded and calmed Yuuri immensely. It never completely erased his anxious feelings, but Yuuri was content with that knowledge. He was mature enough to know that a mental illness couldn’t just be magically cured by true love, that it was much more complicated than that. However, just being with Viktor had done wonders to his sense of confidence and ability to reassure himself in stressful situations.
Still, there were some instances where the emotions and anxiety became too strong, and the parasite took too much from him. Those were the times that Yuuri hid and pretended that everything was fine even when it felt like the world was ending. These were the times where he silently retreated into a dark room and cried or slipped into the bathroom in the middle of the night to empty his churning stomach. He hid these parts of himself so often and so well that he basically became a pro at it.
So yes, Viktor was oblivious, not because he was stupid or apathetic, but because Yuuri was an expert at deception. He didn’t know how to reveal these parts of himself to his fiancé, and if he was being totally honest with himself, he really didn’t want to reveal them either. They made him feel ugly and broken, and he didn’t exactly think that it would be the best decision to start a conversation with “Hey Viktor, what if all of your fans are right and choosing to coach me was the worst decision of your life?” or “Hey Viktor, I constantly feel inadequate and sometimes I can’t sleep at night because I’m terrified that you’re going to leave me for someone better.”
Not exactly confessions that would set the mood.
So here he was in his current situation, sitting on the bathroom tile of Viktor’s swanky St. Petersburg apartment while attempting to be as quiet as possible as he dry-heaved into the toilet bowl.
His current state was directly triggered by events from earlier in the day. He and Viktor had been practicing at the rink all day with the rest of the Russian team, and there had been a steady influx of fans who wanted to watch the skaters (primarily Viktor) practice.
This in itself was fine with Yuuri; he had become accustomed to the Viktor groupies within the first month of living in St. Petersburg. No, what had ultimately set him off was the clique of four girls that made it their personal mission to lurk wherever Yuuri was and whisper mockingly in English, as if they wanted him to hear them.
“What does Viktor even see in him?”
“Ugh, I can’t believe Viktor left his skating career for this.”
“Viktor never stays tied down to anyone. He’s going to get sick of him and find someone better, just you wait.”
That last comment had made Yuuri stop in his tracks and skid to a halt on the ice. His vision became blurry, and he had to quickly grab hold of the railing to maintain his balance.
Once he had gained some amount of composure, he had discreetly skated off the rink and claimed he needed a restroom break when asked. Thirty minutes and one emotional breakdown later, he gently dabbed his face with cold water to reduce the swelling around his eyes and headed back to practice. Much to his relief, Viktor hadn’t noticed anything out of the ordinary, and Yuuri was able to finish practice without bringing attention to himself.
He had hoped that he would be able to forget about that day’s events, especially when those girls’ comments weren’t the worse things that have been said about him, not by a long shot. However, their snide voices lingered in his head for the remainder of the day. They kept Yuuri in an absolute anxious haze even once they returned home, ate dinner, and especially once they went to bed and there was nothing left to distract him from his destructive thoughts.
So now, here he was: sitting on the cold tile of his fiancé’s bathroom, heaving into their ridiculous porcelain toilet, and questioning all of his life choices.
“Yuuri?” A voice called softly from the bedroom. Yuuri winced. He had tried so hard not to wake Viktor up. He didn’t answer, silently hoping that Viktor would just fall back asleep.
No such luck. Yuuri heard the bed creaking, and sock-clad feet gently pattering across the floor. The door finally opened, and Viktor’s disheveled form appeared. Yuuri wanted to laugh, because even with wrinkled pajamas and a serious case of bedhead, Viktor was still ridiculously handsome.
“Yuuri, what—?” As Viktor took in the sight of him, gracelessly leaning over the toilet, his sleep-deprived expression quickly transformed into one of sympathy and concern. “Oh, darling, you’re sick!”
“No, I’m—” It burned his throat to talk, so he swallowed painfully and tried again in a whisper. “I’m not sick. I’m fine. Go back to bed.”
Viktor cocked an eyebrow in clear disbelief. “I don’t believe you. You look the complete opposite of fine.” With that, Viktor closed the distance between them and sat down right next to his fiancé. Viktor was giving him the strangest look, a mix of concern, frustration, and confusion all rolled into one. It was as if he was slowly figuring out what was happening, but he needed help putting the last few pieces together.
Yuuri resolutely stared at the floor as Viktor studied his ashen face. He couldn’t bring himself to meet Viktor’s eyes. After a minute of silence, Viktor slowly reached out and gently wiped the damp hair away from Yuuri’s eyes. “You’re clammy, Yuuri. Are you sure this isn’t food poisoning? Did you eat anything weird today?”
“No, it’s not food—” The dark-haired man was cut off as a fresh wave of nausea rolled through him and he heaved once more into the toilet. Viktor clucked his tongue in sympathy and rubbed soothing circles into his back until it passed. As soon as the nausea subsided and Yuuri was able to collect himself, Viktor began to stand up and announced, “I will be right back. I’m going to pack some things and call a taxi for us. I’m taking you to the hospital—”
Yuuri gripped his fiancé’s wrist and held on like a vice to prevent him from leaving. “Don’t. Please. I’m not sick, I promise.” Viktor looked like he was ready to start crying, and Yuuri couldn’t stand it. He especially hated that he was the cause of it.
He sighed shakily and looked up at Viktor. “I’ll tell you what’s going on. Or…I’ll at least try to. Just…no hospital, okay?
Viktor smiled tightly, and it ended up looking like a grimace. “Okay. Give me one moment, please.” He exited the bathroom and Yuuri spent a good thirty seconds wondering what exactly was going on.
When Viktor returned, he was holding a washcloth, which he ran under the bathroom faucet. He returned to his original spot on the floor next to Yuuri and began softly wiping away the sweat and tears that lingered on his face. Viktor’s gentle hand, combined with the cool relief of the washcloth, was enough to cause fresh tears to trail down his face once more.
Viktor bit his lip but didn’t comment, which Yuuri was grateful for. They sat together in silence with Viktor’s soft ministrations as Yuuri wracked his brain for a good way to explain himself. He always felt so weak and pathetic when he had these episodes, and wished more than anything that Viktor never had to see him like this. He wants to be seen as capable and strong, not a crying mess.
Those girls were right. Now he’s definitely going to leave me for someone better. Someone who doesn’t have crying fits for no reason.
Ten minutes had passed by, and Viktor finally broke the silence. “Darling, I’m a man of many talents, but I’m not a mind reader. Could you help me out a bit and just talk to me?”
Yuuri bit his lip and nodded slightly, resigning himself to his fate. “A lot of the time…I’m really good. Like when I’m with you and Makkachin, or when I skate a routine really well. And sometimes I’m not so great. Remember the incident right before the Cup of China started?”
Viktor scoffed, but there was no real heat to it. “Oh, that time I made an ass of myself and made you burst into tears? I think it’s ringing a bell.”
Yuuri smacked him lightly on the arm. “Don’t get smart with me. But…yeah, that was one of those times. And then…every once in a while, things get really bad…and then this happens.” He gestured to himself and the toilet he was leaning against.
Viktor cocked his head and studied him intently for a few moments, as if he was attempting to solve a complicated puzzle. “I’m not sure I know what you mean by ‘things.’”
Yuuri sighed. “Stress. Self-confidence issues. And…I have really bad anxiety, Viktor. I’ve dealt with it for as long as I can remember.”
Yuuri glanced up hesitantly, and Viktor looked hurt and quite upset. “You’ve been dealing with this all your life and you never thought to tell me about it?”
Yuuri winced, his cheeks flushing in shame. “I wasn’t trying to be deceptive, Viktor. I just…I’m so used to hiding it from people. I don’t even think my family knows. I also didn’t want to burden you with this. I feel so weak because of it, and I was too embarrassed to tell you.”
“Yuuri, moya lyubov, this is not a burden to me, and you are not weak.” Yuuri abruptly looked up at his fiancé, startled by the man’s adamant and emotional tone. “You’re one of the bravest and strongest people I’ve ever met, and…”
Viktor stopped talking as his breath hitched and tears began streaming down his cheeks. “I’m so sorry you’ve struggled for so long. I’m such a dismal fiancé. I couldn’t even tell that you’ve been suffering like this.”
“No, don’t you dare even go there!” Yuuri cradled Viktor’s face in his hands and wiped the tears away with his thumbs. “None of this is your fault. You are a wonderful fiancé. This is all on me. It’s not that you aren’t perceptive, I’m just really good at hiding it when I have these episodes. I’ve had years of practice hiding this from the people around me. So please…don’t blame yourself for this. Okay?”
Viktor didn’t verbally agree, but he exhaled some of the tension out of his body and gently rested his forehead against Yuuri’s, and that seemed like enough of an acquiescence to Yuuri for the time being.
Yuuri bit his lip in guilt. Viktor seemed so drained and upset, and Yuuri felt entirely responsible. He had never intended for Viktor to be so negatively affected by his confession. He tenderly brushed the fringe out of Viktor’s eyes and murmured, “My stomach is feeling a little bit better. I think I’m ready to go back to bed now.”
Viktor furrowed his brows in frustration. “But we need to talk about this, Yuuri. I went an entire year in the dark about this. I’m not letting this go until you explain everything to me.”
Yuuri sighed softly. Generally, he admired Viktor’s tenacity, but sometimes, like now, it exasperated him. “Fine. Just let me brush my teeth first, okay? Then we can talk in the bedroom.”
Viktor nodded and gave a watery smile. “Of course.” He stood up and pulled Yuuri up by the hands to unstable feet as well. “I’ll be waiting for you.” He squeezed Yuuri’s shoulders and pressed a sweet and lingering kiss against his brow.
After Viktor had retreated into their room, Yuuri winced once he mustered up the courage to look at himself in the mirror. As he began scrubbing his teeth with vigor, he really examined himself. His eyes were red and glassy, his raven hair askew, and his normally olive skin was pale and sick-looking. He felt raw and strung out, and worse than that, he felt a burning shame at bringing Viktor into the middle of his mess.
It had never been his intention to get Viktor involved in all of this. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, and Yuuri had realized that refusing to enlighten Viktor about his issues and having no real game plan on how to separate his mental health and fiancé was a really stupid idea. But in his defense, part of him was convinced that eventually, one day, he would have all of this under control so well that he would never be forced to tell Viktor.
Yuuri finished his routine with some mouthwash, then looked at himself in the mirror one last time. I really don’t want to go back in there. But…Viktor deserves to know. I’ve kept this from him for too long. Be grateful that he isn’t mad at you.
Yuuri hesitantly crossed the threshold into their room, the sound of his feet pattering on the floor sounding more pronounced due to the otherwise silent environment. He stood at the foot of the bed awkwardly, not knowing what he should say or how he should approach Viktor.
Thankfully, Viktor spoke up first so Yuuri didn’t have to. “Are you cold, Yuuri?”
Yuuri nodded shyly, and glanced out at the blizzard raging outside. “Sorry. I guess I’m not quite used to the Russian winters yet.”
Viktor smiled kindly. “Don’t apologize, darling. Even the hardiest of Russians like myself don’t ever fully adjust to this weather.” He patted the mattress beside him. “Come. I’ll help you warm up.”
Yuuri clambered up onto their bed and crawled over to Viktor, doing his best to not wake up the sleeping dog at the edge of the mattress. Without invitation, Yuuri climbed right onto Viktor’s lap and settled so that he was comfortable and directly at eye-level with his fiancé. Even though the action was unexpected, it definitely wasn’t unwelcome to Viktor. On the contrary, the silver-haired man immediately melted underneath Yuuri. He wrapped his arms protectively around Yuuri’s slim back and pressed soft kisses down his neck and collarbone. Yuuri sighed contentedly. Normally this type of physical contact would take a more sexual turn, but not tonight. Both of them felt too threadbare and raw to engage in sex. Right now, they were both just content to indulge in this simple physical and emotional intimacy with each other.
They remained like this for an uncertain amount of time, with Yuuri snug and contained in Viktor’s embrace. At some point, Viktor rested his forehead against the dark-haired man’s shoulder and murmured his name like a prayer. “Oh, my Yuuri.” Yuuri shivered as Viktor’s breath tickled his bare skin. “How do you put up with me?”
Yuuri snorted gracelessly. He hadn’t been expecting that question. He knew this was going to totally ruin the serious moment they were having, but he could never pass up an opportunity to tease Viktor. “You’re going to have to be more specific. There’s so many things you do that make me wonder why I put up with you.”
Viktor gasped dramatically and pulled back, glaring at him with a mock-hurt expression. “You’re so mean to me, Yuuri. I want a divorce!”
Yuuri giggled into Viktor’s hair. “How? We’re not even married yet!”
“And it’s going to stay that way if you don’t lose that attitude!”
Viktor glanced back at the sleeping fur ball Makkachin and then back at Yuuri, eyes sparkling conspiratorially. “How will we ever explain this to Makkachin? We’ll have to split custody of her and everything. It’ll be such as mess!”
Yuuri couldn’t help it; he broke into an absolute giggling mess and buried his face into the crook of his fiancé’s neck. Viktor joined the laughing fit as well and squeezed Yuuri’s sides playfully until Yuuri squealed and laughed harder.
That was one of the many things Yuuri loved about Viktor; he was great at being silly and cheering Yuuri up without being insensitive (well, with the exception of the Cup of China; they both acknowledged that was both a prime example of disastrous communication and unintentional insensitivity. They had both made major progress since then).
After their laughter finally subsided, Viktor swiped his thumb against Yuuri’s cheek. With a tender smile on his face, he inquired, “Do you think you’re ready to talk now?”
Yuuri smiled faintly and nodded. He readjusted himself so he was now settled between the vee of Viktor’s legs and his back was pressed against Viktor’s chest. Viktor wrapped his arms around Yuuri’s middle and waited patiently for the other man to begin talking.
“Well…typically, these episodes are caused by a specific incident or situation. They don’t really appear out of nowhere.”
“Hmm. So what happened today that triggered all of this? I was with you for most of the day, and I don’t remember anything out of the ordinary happening.”
Yuuri huffed out a little, mirthless laugh. “Yeah, about that. It was stupid. It’s not like this was the first time something like this happened to me. There were some girls at the rink today—some of your fans—and I think they were following me around on purpose? I’m not sure, but in any case they were talking loud enough in English, so I could hear them. I think they were trying to get a reaction out of me. They were saying that they don’t know what you see in me, and…and that it’s only a matter of time until you get sick of me and leave for someone better.”
Viktor cursed furiously in Russian (something he oftentimes heard coming from Yuri when he was pissed off). “Oh, Yuuri. I’m so sorry. I had no idea this had happened. Tomorrow I will talk with the rink manager and make it so fans are no longer allowed to be there while we’re practicing—”
“Viktor, it’s fine. You don’t need to do anything that extreme on my behalf. In hindsight, it really wasn’t that bad. I was just overreacting, as usual.”
Viktor shook his head emphatically. “No, you weren’t overreacting. That was absolutely unacceptable, what they said about you. Especially when not a single word of it was true.” Viktor pressed a lingering kiss against Yuuri’s cheek.
“When I was younger, I had a reputation as a playboy. You know this. I casually dated a lot of people, slept with a few of them, and then moved on. But none of them meant anything to me, Yuuri. I was young and stupid and I thought that being physical with those people might fill the emotional void in me. I will never leave you for someone better, because there’s nobody in this entire world who is better than you.”
Yuuri smiled helplessly as more tears slid down his burning cheeks. “I’m sorry, but that’s not true at all. All my life, people have told me that I’m average. Judges, critics, classmates…they’ve all said that there’s nothing special about me.” Yuuri hiccupped awkwardly and tried to compose himself as Viktor tutted and rubbed his hands up and down Yuuri’s arms. “You could have anyone you wanted—anyone, Viktor—so forgive me if I have a hard time believing all of this is real—that you actually want to hold onto me and marry me.”
Yuuri couldn’t think of anything else to say, so he fell silent and tried to contain his sniffling.
There was a solid moment of heavy silence; then Viktor announced, “This is completely my fault. You’ve gone all this time not knowing how utterly lost I am on you. Yuuri, do you know when I first fell in love with you?”
Yuuri snorted. “You always tell me you fell in love after I made an idiot out of myself and drunkenly danced with you at the banquet.”
Viktor chuckled. “Well, that isn’t totally true. I did become absolutely captivated by you that night, but the moment that I completely fell in love with you was the first time we visited the ocean together. I asked what you wanted me to be to you—a father figure, a friend, a boyfriend—and do you remember what you said?”
Yuuri nodded, not really sure where this was going. “I said that I wanted you to be Viktor…to just be yourself.”
Yuuri could feel the other man’s gentle smile against his cheek. “Exactly. My entire life, people have always wanted me to be different personas or characters—the rich bachelor, the heartbreaking playboy—but never myself. I was so amazed by you that day. Your kindness, and how you immediately saw through all of those masks I use and saw that I was a complete person underneath all of that.”
“Stop,” Yuuri whispered, roughly wiping away his tears. “That’s just my personality. None of that makes me special.”
“Oh, but you’re so wrong about that, zolotse,” Viktor countered, grasping Yuuri’s free hand and kissing each finger. “It’s one of your many amazing qualities that I’ve come to know this past year. Before I met you, I was quite…selfish. And empty. I was terrible at caring about other people. And then you came along…and you flipped everything inside me upside down. In the best way, of course! I’ve been absolutely captivated by you ever since I saw you perform my routine. You never fail to surprise me, even now.
You are so gorgeous, and it makes me so happy to be able to see the confidence in your own inner and outer beauty grow these last few months. And God, your thighs. I could write sonnets about those beauties, and I’m not even joking.”
“Stop! That’s so embarrassing,” Yuuri whined, burying his burning face in his hands.
“Okay, okay, I’ll stop,” Viktor chuckled and pulled Yuuri’s hands back down. “But Yuuri… Jesus, you taught me what it was like to unconditionally love another person so much that you would do anything for them…so much that your chest hurts every time you look at them. If you never believe anything else I ever say after this, at least believe this: You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Those girls today…they are complete idiots if they think that I would ever leave you.”
Trembling slightly with emotion, Yuuri grasped Viktor’s hand and pressed his lips to the gold band shining on his ring finger.
Viktor concluded, “You have me, Yuuri. Heart and soul. I’ll always be right here with you. Unless one day you decide to get rid of me.”
Yuuri scoffed wetly. “Yeah, right. That’ll never happen.”
“Well then,” Viktor smiled and nuzzled against the shell of his ear. “You have absolutely nothing to worry about, okay?”
Yuuri nodded and exhaled shakily, allowing himself to relax and lean back as Viktor gently peppered kisses along his damp cheek.
Once Yuuri eventually calmed down and his tears ceased, the couple rearranged themselves so they were laying back down on the warm bed, Viktor’s one arm protectively wrapped around Yuuri’s middle and his other hand stroking through Yuuri’s hair.
As they were both once more drifting off into sleep, Yuuri smiled to himself. He wasn’t naïve enough to believe that his issues with anxiety and self-esteem would just disappear. He knew that his recovery would take a lot of time and effort, but he felt infinitely better knowing that Viktor would always stay by his side to help him through it all.