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It was that dream again- or was it a memory?
There might’ve been a boat house all those years ago, it’s been long abandoned, so no one minds them staying there. Usually, the family is by a bond fire or his little siblings are tending to “Titan”, the World’s Smallest Pony. Once in a while he’s only a baby and it’s just his older siblings and him with their parents and they’re telling stories. Well, his dad would tell the stories, his mother and sister would take turns bouncing him, the baby, on their knees.
This time he’s five. His father’s with him and they’re a good ways away from the water as they fish, their lines and poles the only indication that they were fishing at all. Two poles, one tiny for his hands, the other his father has made out of a longer branch, they’re both sitting cross legged, taking in the sun.
“Why do we have to sit so far away, dad?”
“Because, Razputin.” When this memory first took place, Raz took the “because” as just one of those grown up things they say to shut kids up. But now knowing his father as he does, the matured mind back in this five year old’s memory, he realizes that perhaps his father already knew that Raz was aware of the “because”. All his life, he heard it whispered and discussed when others thought he wasn’t in earshot. How water hurts them, how the psychic in the other circus cursed them all to die in it.
Now he’s thinking like a five year old again and he’s scared. He doesn’t want to die. In this memory he’s five and he still has things to do and more performances to perform and girls to kiss, even though he’s five and girls are still icky. He’s only five, but he’s scared to tell his dad how scared he is. He’s scared of his dad more than the water.
“Dad look, gulls.”
The memory or dream or whatever it is has changed now, the feeling of his father trying to pull him back to shore is the only thing Raz has full awareness of. That and the screaming, his dad’s screaming, or maybe he’s screaming. It’s hard to tell in dreams, too muted and muffled when it comes to noises.
Another flash and the chill of lake water engulfs Raz. His body feels even smaller as the large…whatever, pulls him down. He looks around, the shore was just there. It was, really. He reaches out his tiny five year old hand, just water, no sand nor shore nor hand of his own father. Just water.
Now his mind is fighting between the memory of a five year old and the fear he has now.
I’m going to die.”
"Dying is so slow.”
“Why is it so slow?”
“Why couldn’t dad grab me?”
“Raz?”Something’s pulling on him, tugging his arms and trying to pull him up. Maybe his dad found him, but the voice sounds nothing like his dad…
Then his arm shakes and the voice shouts his name again. He jolts upright, feeling for the water and a way to swim through, but all he catches in his grasp is a handful of sheets.
He’s gasping, looking around the room, that’s all it is, a room. Four walls, a ceiling and floor. One bed…one bed. But there’s someone in it with him.
“Raz, you okay?” A hand tugs at the weaved bracelet on his wrist. It’s the good hand, her hand. He backs down under the covers and clings to her like she might float away. “Oh, it was that one again, wasn’t it?” Raz nodded, moving his head to rest on her chest. He tries matching his breaths with hers, his head slightly shifting to the side as her chest rises and falls. She seemed to do it well enough, she knew how to do that right. Maybe if he copied her, he could do it again.
“You want to talk about it?”
He shakes his head. Lying to her and to himself. It was stupid anyway.
“It’s not stupid.” She plays with his hair, mostly his bangs, pushing them up and then smoothing them out again.
He thought that they agreed on not reading each other’s thoughts.
“Unless it’s we need to. And since you’re not talking, I’d say it’s needed.”
He really doesn’t want to talk about it.
“You told me the first time this happened.”
He did. The night after he became a Psychonaut. They were still at headquarters and he woke up pretty much the same way. He always woke up the same from those nightmares. He woke up and-and what did he do? Maybe he went to talk to Milla. It was almost eight years ago.
“It wasn’t Milla, you ass.”
Judging on that tone, the wild guess of it being her may be a better option.
“Yes, it was me,” She continued playing with his hair. “And you know what I told you?”
He didn’t.
“Well, first I called you an idiot,” Okay that was obvious, he really should’ve remembered that. “But then I told you that being scared doesn’t change the fact that you’re brave.”
That’s stupid.
“You said that too,” She leaned down. Kissing the top of his head. “Then I said that you were stupid, and then you called me stupid. It kind of went on like that for a while until Sasha and Milla came in to shut us up.”
Yep, that sounded about right.
“Then you actually did talk to Milla, I think. I’m not sure, Sasha and I left and he wouldn’t let me eavesdrop.”
Raz honestly had no recollection of his conversation with the Mental Minx. Though, knowing Milla, there was a lot of hugging and talks of parties involved. She did always say she’d be there for him to talk about it…
“But when you came out I did go and see you again. You told me to go away and you were being a real moron. So I said ‘wow Raz, you’re being a total moron’, and you can see where this is going. We quieted down before Sasha and Milla heard us though,” She kept playing with his hair as her other hand went to fiddle with the bracelet on his wrist. Lili always did that, fiddle with things: hair, clothes, accessories, though Raz never minded it. “Then you know what you did? Because this is really cute-”
He moved the bracelet out of her hand and instead intertwined his fingers with hers. Then, he looked up at her with tired green eyes and kissed her softly.
“I think it was something like that?” He placed his head back on her chest, smiling like an idiot.
“Well, it was better than that, but it’s,” She glanced over at the clock on the wall. “About 3 AM, so you get by with a pass. But no Merit Badge, sorry.”
She always had to bring up the Merit Badges. Like no one else kept mementos…on their person…at all time.
“Actually, you asked me to stay with you. Not like, stay with you stay with you,” She’s fiddling with her own hair this time. “But you know, stay with you and have a sleepover like ten year olds do.”
“With their boyfriends.”
“Can it.”
He would’ve said “Make me” but she was already kissing him.
“So, think you can go back to sleep, or do I have to talk to you for another hour?” He honestly could listen to her talk all night. It wasn’t like Vernon and his stories, Raz liked Lili’s voice and the stuff she talked about. Okay maybe when it got to really girly stuff he’d kind of zone out. But he was a circus kid with two sisters and a mother, he could handle it better than most.
“Nah, but I do request one thing.”
“That being?”
“I remember a little ten year old girl who I use to catch singing to plants.”
“No Raz.”
“Just one? You can hum it.”
“The last time you said “just one”, we ended up fighting most of my nightmares.”
He gave her the best puppy dog look his heavy lidded eyes could manage.
“Fine, but just one.”
“Yes Sir, Miss Zanatto.” Raz gave a mock salute in the darkness.
So Lili breathed in and soon the room was filled with nothing but breathing and the soft hum of a song Raz swore he could remember the name of if it was not 3 AM. He felt her chest rising and falling, and still tried matching his breaths with hers. Only hers were now filled with differing tunes and she breathed a bit too quickly at times. Hearing the soft murmurs of her voice slipping into words and then back to hums soon lulled him away.
He dreamed of not the lake or the cabin, but the forest just beyond them both. Where he walked and thought, not of death or of the hand in the dark waters, but of life and light as a smaller hand rests in his.
Smiling as the wind and the leaves all murmured the same song.