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The first time was in elementary school. They could’ve graduated together, and maybe, hopefully, went on to the same junior high school. They lived in the same neighborhood so it would’ve been likely.
But Joshua’s parents had to go back to America when Joshua had just finished the first half of fifth grade. Jihoon was sad but he never said it out loud.
He didn’t know if Joshua felt sad too. Joshua always had a smile on his face—one of the things Jihoon liked about him—even the day he and his family stopped by the school to say goodbye.
That day Joshua kissed Jihoon’s right cheek, leaving him a tingling sensation on his skin, a lump of warmth threatening to burst from his chest, and that blinding smile which stayed in Jihoon’s memory even years after.
**
The second time was in high school. How surprised Jihoon was to see Joshua in the corridor of the school he had been familiar with during the past year. His figure appeared as an irregularity in his ordinary everyday, but it wasn’t unwelcomed. Of course it wasn’t.
They passed each other in the hall and exchanged gazes. Jihoon stopped on his tracks, dumbfounded. Joshua kept on walking with a few other students, leaving a small smile and a glint on his eyes.
It appeared that Joshua just moved back to Korea. He got into a different class from Jihoon’s, plus he was always surrounded by people every time Jihoon saw him. Jihoon could’ve just walked to him and say hi; it’s not that Joshua and his crowd were snobs who didn’t talk to kids outside their clique. That wasn’t their reputation. Jihoon was just too hesitant. Most of his life, Jihoon had never step up and take initiative with people.
They finally exchanged words at the end of their second year. All of the sophomores worked together preparing a special event for the seniors’ graduation. Class boundaries were non-existent.
The first words Jihoon said to Joshua was “Can you pass me that glue?”
Joshua’s first words to Jihoon was “Sure”, along with that blinding smile which was always in his memory but dearly missed.
Their group had been working on the field near The Tree. People said it would grant your wishes if you wished hard enough. They talked about the legend and Jihoon shared his skepticism. He was met with laughter and playful comments on how he lacked of faith. They continued to work while chatting and before he knew it, his fellow students were gone to do their respective jobs somewhere else. Only Jihoon and Joshua were left.
Joshua was looking at The Tree with sparkles in his eyes.
“I’m going to make a wish,” he said, still looking at the giant trunk. He closed his eyes, forehead slightly creased as if concentrating, and for a while Jihoon got to admire his side profile without being afraid of getting labeled as a creep.
When Joshua opened his eyes and gave Jihoon his best smile, Jihoon tried not to stutter.
“I still doubt this magic thing.”
Joshua only chuckled, that alone pulled Jihoon into deeper trance. When he realized it was too late. Joshua’s face was this close to his, and then there’s something soft touching his lips. It was quick and almost fleeting, but not less real.
“My wish just came true,” said Joshua after he pulled away.
Jihoon hoped he didn’t look like a ripe tomato, but it was unlikely judging from the heat spreading over his cheeks.
“Why waste your wish on this.”
“I want this.”
Smile was still on Joshua’s face as he said that, but then his face gradually darkened.
“Somehow I feel, this is a farewell,” he said, before quickly laughing it off. Jihoon joined him laughing, saying that it would be impossible since they went to the same school.
Later Joshua gave him a small smile and a “See you”, but that moment under The Tree was really a goodbye. They did see each other again, during recess at the cafeteria, in the afternoon on the way to the school gate. But they never talked. Third year put them into different classes once again, more homework and mock exams, more of everything else and less of each other.
**
The third time—well, actually the third and fourth time, happened almost two years after graduating from high school. They got into the same university, although different faculties, buildings standing apart a mile from each other (it’s a big university).
Luckily, they joined the same club. Theater that did a lot of musicals. Joshua was one of their actors while Jihoon did more things backstage. Not many opportunities to interact.
But Jihoon wasn’t having it. Recollection of the whole year after that day under The Tree in high school kept coming back to him, reminding him of what could happen if he didn’t take action.
Joshua was with the other actors, forming a circle on the stage after a rehearsal when Jihoon walked towards him. Sadly he stuttered. Quite bad. Some of Joshua’s actor friends were holding in laughter (they didn’t mean bad, Jihoon was just that ridiculous). Thank God, Joshua responded with a smile.
Jihoon talked to him again the next day. And the next day. And the next. Then they started talking outside of the theater. Off campus. Now they’re practically best friends.
Then one day, Joshua asked him to practice a scene with him. No one else was there; they had theater hall all for themselves. Joshua’s hands were empty, while Jihoon had a script with him. Jihoon acted while taking glances at the script, nervousness building up as the scene progressed because he knew; at the end of the scene, the two characters would share a kiss.
Of course, Jihoon thought Joshua would just fake it. This was after all, only a practice and he wasn’t really going to play the role.
So yes, Jihoon was surprised to find Joshua’s face kept closing in until their lips touched, Joshua’s lips gently pushing his, lingering, longer than their first kiss almost three years ago but not as long as Jihoon would’ve liked.
When they separated, Joshua had his face flushed and eyes looking down, but he kept himself close to Jihoon. It was quiet for a while, Jihoon kept telling himself to say something and failed miserably. Finally, Joshua broke the silence first.
“Elmer... He must’ve felt many regrets.” For some reason Joshua started talking about the character he’s playing. “He did nothing for so long. Nothing, until the very end.”
Jihoon didn’t know how to respond so he just hummed, letting Joshua know that he was listening.
“It’s sad that they finally kissed when they’re about to separate.”
There’s something in Joshua’s voice that tugged Jihoon, pushing him to speak up.
“It’s the same.”
“Huh?” Joshua looked up and gave him a confused look.
“We kiss on farewells. Grade school. High school.”
Slight blush was back to Joshua’s cheeks as he chuckled. “Right.” He looked so beautiful.
“I don’t want that anymore,” said Jihoon after he took a gulp. “Can we kiss not during goodbyes?”
His heart was beating so fast and it might exploded; Jihoon was aware of the possibility of Joshua saying no. But Joshua nodded. He looked at him straight in the eyes and nodded with a bashful smile. Jihoon’s heart didn’t stop beating fast, it was soaring high, and he put one hand on the back of Joshua’s neck, pulling him gently into another kiss.
Sadly, it was another farewell kiss.
**
Jihoon never missed a week. At least once every week, he always visited Joshua’s room, talking to him, telling Joshua what he’s been doing, what had happened to the world during all the time Joshua was lying unconscious in this hospital bed. Joshua never answered, never showed any sign he listened. Jihoon did it anyway.
Five years ago Joshua got into a car accident that left him in a coma. He had never opened his eyes since he was brought to the hospital and nobody knew when he would. Jihoon wasn’t optimistic, but he would never give up.
One day Joshua’s mother called him and Jihoon rushed to the hospital while trying to be as careful as possible, he didn’t want another tragedy on the street. When he arrived at Joshua’s room, he was greeted by Joshua’s parents, tears on their eyes but they're smiling, and Joshua on the bed, still lying down but now with open eyes.
Jihoon kept visiting Joshua after he woke up. He also stayed with him after he got discharged, accompanying him as he tried to adjust to life after years of sleeping. It wasn’t always easy. It was apparent that Joshua was struggling. He even told Jihoon to stay away from him many, many times. To leave him and have an easier life. Jihoon refused. He persisted no matter what Joshua said, and eventually his efforts paid off. Joshua started to complain to him, get angry, vent out his frustrations; Joshua was opening up to him, Jihoon was grateful.
Time passed by and Joshua smiled more and more. Jihoon loved it. Jihoon loved him.
One day they were sitting next to each other on Joshua’s sofa, just chatting after having a dinner of Chinese takeout. Joshua was smiling as he talked. Jihoon looked at Joshua and all of a sudden it hit him. He was always aware of his feelings, but this time it filled his chest up to the brim, threatening to burst out, to seep from between his ribs. It was overwhelming and he acted on it, bringing his face close to Joshua’s.
Joshua let out a short gasp and turned his face away.
“I’m sorry...” Jihoon said after he pulled away. It pained Jihoon but he didn’t care about himself that much when he saw Joshua’s pained expression. “I thought...”
“No...” Joshua faced him again. He opened his mouth as if it caused physical pain to him. “It’s just...”
Tears began to fall down from Joshua’s eyes.
“I’m scared...” He looked so vulnerable, Jihoon wanted to hug him, tell him that it’s okay. But Jihoon waited. Maybe Joshua needed time.
Joshua cried and cried, it didn’t look like his tears were going to stop. He still had them in his eyes when he finally spoke again.
“I thought... When we kiss it’s always...”
Jihoon decided it was time and hugged Joshua. He felt Joshua’s body stiffened for a split second before relaxing into Jihoon’s hold.
“It won’t be. I promise.”
Jihoon didn’t try to kiss Joshua again after that. Until a few months later, when they were sharing a bowl of popcorn while watching some random action movie on TV, Joshua called his name, tearing Jihoon’s attention away from the screen.
When he turned his head, he was met with Joshua’s face this close to his. He blinked and Joshua took the chance to leave a quick peck on his lips.
No matter how many times Jihoon blinked, Joshua was still looking at him with a smile on his face. No tears, just smile. Jihoon let out a chuckle at that and then he pulled Joshua to him just like he did years ago at their university’s theater hall, getting their lips to where they belonged. They kissed and smiled on the kiss, giggled, and then kissed some more.
**
Joshua was looking at him from above, a slight crease on his forehead and it was not because of age.
“It’s all the caffeine.”
“I cut it off years ago.”
“Yes, but all those years before.” Joshua shook his head with obvious disapproval. “Should’ve done it faster.”
Joshua pouted but didn’t brush him off when Jihoon held his hand. Jihoon rubbed the creases on the back of his hand and slowly the ones on his forehead disappeared.
From his bed Jihoon looked up, admiring Joshua’s face from below, taking in each wrinkles, appreciating every inch of sagging skin. He was beautiful and Jihoon would never stop being amazed.
He tugged Joshua’s hand and said in a rather whiny voice. “Kiss me.” Joshua rolled his eyes but smiled when he placed a peck on Jihoon’s lips.
“Promise me you’ll hang on and live longer to accompany me.”
Jihoon scoffed. “We’re both old. You might go first.”
Joshua threw a playful hit on Jihoon’s chest with his free left hand. Jihoon laughed.
“Come here,” he said. Joshua laughed too and leaned to him once again.