Work Text:
i.
White was all you could see. White walls, white clothes, white bed, white ceiling. You hated the colour white, it slowed down your thought process, it was too cold and too bright. It was one of the only colours that was wholly wrong. You yearned to paint it another colour, but they had tied your hands to the bed after the last ‘incident’, when, just two days after you were admitted, a timidly-smiling nurse gave you a teddy bear to play with. Here, darling, she had said, maybe mister Bear can help you calm down. You do not feel responsible for the pain she felt when you forced the torn-up teddy bear down her throat. Calm down, Eurus, calm down. They were all such idiots, this brought you such a sense of tranquillity, one that lullabies and dolls and stupid teddy bears could never live up to. You were right, Lola, mister Bear really helped me, you thought.
ii.
Two weeks of white boredom later, some colour came into your room in the shape of a woman with a seemingly permanent smile who referred to herself as “Ellen”. Eurus, can I talk to you for a while? she said. If you promise to talk to me, I can see to it that you’re allowed to move from your bed again.
The promise of some semblance of freedom sparked your attention, so you agreed. It might even take away some of the boredom, she might even prove herself a useful toy. So when she walked in the next day, you put on your most convincing smile and chirpily said your hello’s and how are you’s the way you were taught to. Mummy and Daddy would be proud, you thought.
How are you feeling, Eurus?
Was it too early for honesty? You tried to think of an acceptable answer but ‘fine’ didn’t really seem like the correct response in this situation. How am I supposed to feel? you chose to say. This must have been a strange thing to say, because she frowned and started writing in her notebook. So when she looked up and asked you what you meant by that, you corrected your mistake by vaguely saying I’m just not entirely sure how I’m feeling right now, though I have been kind of bored lately. This appeared to be a better answer, because she said: well, Eurus, if you behave properly, I’m sure you’ll be allowed to leave your room in no time! Until then, maybe you could watch some tv?
I sure will, you replied and smiled at her. You kept smiling politely until she said her goodbye and walked out of the room. As soon as the door closed, you dropped your façade. You really hated the way she said your name. But if talking to her meant freedom, you would play a normal girl until she was convinced. You had given up on honesty two psychologists and a doctor ago. All that had ever gotten you was disappointment and sadness in your parents’ eyes, tied up arms and too much white. You just weren't human enough in their eyes, so the only thing you could do to make them hate you less was to pretend to be just like them.
iii.
Once you were freed from the bands that tied your wrists to the bed, you spent most of your time walking around in this (still too white) room. You tried to think back to what Sherlock had told you about his way to pass time in a place he didn't like. My mind palace, he had said, is a sanctuary. It is safe and pleasant when the world is not. The rest of your time was spent sitting on your bed, constructing a place high up in the sky, where you felt safe. The view was amazing and you spent hours, days, however long it was, just sitting there and staring out of the airplane's windows.
The nurses brought you food but refused to touch you or even come near you. This made your insides twist in a particularly unpleasant way, but you attributed it to the mushy pile of potatoes and vegetables they were carrying and ignored how the extra nurse that was always standing in the doorway with a syringe in her hand only made it worse. I'm not human, you reminded yourself, so why should they treat me like I am?
iv.
You were still not allowed to leave your room, but your door had a window, so you could look at the other people and try to see what was wrong with them. It was an interesting (but often way too easy) game, and you were desperate for a distraction from yourself and this room. One time, while playing this game, you saw two girls laughing together and touching each others' arms. They looked so happy and for a moment you felt a spark of envy, but you pushed it down deep into the fortress of the heart everyone claimed you didn't have. Even so, the next time you saw Ellen you decided to bring it up, in hopes of getting a companion to share your white room with. I just feel so... lonely sometimes, you admitted.
At this moment, we don't think you're stable enough to have a roommate, but I could grant you hall privileges if you promise to behave yourself.
She was always offering you tiny, hopeful bits of freedom with a warning label attached. Behave yourself, Eurus, control yourself, please be normal, Eurus. One misstep and it could all be gone. This confused you, because you had to choose between having distractions but at the cost of your own sense of self, or having yourself and nothing else to live for. Which one was worse? You eventually opted to accept your therapist's offer, if only with the hopes of experiencing something similar to what those smiling girls you saw in your window must have felt. You had no idea what it was, but from what you've read it is called 'happiness', caused by feelings of 'friendship'. Like Sherlock and Victor. The one thing you could never have, which you were reminded of by years of shocked looks, crying, screaming and horrified children.
Behave yourself, Eurus, please. Mummy and Daddy just want you to be happy, so please try to fit in for us. Can you promise us that?
I promise, you said and I promise, you said when the boy down the street told you not to tell anyone about the way he put his hands down your pants. (That's what normal people do, isn’t it?) I promise, you said when your therapist told you not to hurt yourself anymore. (It never hurt anyway, so you could promise all you had to.) Because that's what normal people do, right? They promise, they keep quiet and they comply. They fit in and you should, too. Don't you want to be human?
v.
You had a friend. Someone to talk to, to play with, to smile at and someone whose room you were allowed to visit with almost no supervision: a room that wasn't white, but pink and purple with a desk full of drawings. Her name was Naomi and she saw things that weren't real, she told you. How do I know if you are real? she asked you one day. I don't know, you said, but the next day you walked into her room, took the sharpener from her desk and dug it into your arm. Here, you said, I bleed, so that means I'm real, doesn’t it? This makes me human, doesn't it? I'm human, I'm human, I'm human! you screamed. Naomi crawled under her bed and started sobbing. It wasn't the right thing to do, it wasn't what normal people do, it was wrong, you scared her. I'm sorry, you whispered, and then the guards came to take you away.
This room was even whiter than the last one, with bars in front of the window and no glass in the door. Luckily you weren't tied to the bed this time, but you doubted you would see anything other than this room for a long time. After a god knows how long period of mind-numbing silence, Ellen came to see you. How are you feeling, Eurus? she said. You didn't see the point in answering anymore. Alright, you do know why you're here, don’t you, Eurus? What you did wasn't nice, you scared your friend and you know you're not supposed to hurt yourself. I don't want you to ever do that again.
I promise, you said.