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It was rather normal to admire the other’s beauty without saying anything. They loved each other to the point where the passion and devotion they both shared can never be doubted, but something vexatious was waiting to take it away without them realizing it. It brought unwanted feelings of anger and they were both afraid of what would happen to them.
Despite how light he was, Youngjae settled his weight onto Jaebum’s lap with caution. He had arms wrapped around his slim waist with his body giving off an aromatic scent. They sat on the crimson couch without any words being exchanged. Every inch of the apartment seemed dead, but the bright ceiling lights gave it a sense of life.
Youngjae played with his lover’s soft locks. Jaebum couldn’t help but to smile upon the touch. How he loved it when Youngjae was curious about something. His eyes said it all. The small touches then moved downward towards his plump pink lips. Youngjae smiled and connected his lips to them without leaving a space empty. It was a sweet kiss. A sweet kiss that Jaebum disliked very much because he much preferably considered a more rough one. Not satisfied, he broke the kiss which made Youngjae frown.
“I thought if I did it more often, you would like it better.” Youngjae said in a sarcastic tone. Jaebum chuckled at his boyfriend and watched as Youngjae stood up, a hand reaching out. Their hands fit perfectly together like some sort of puzzle and they knew it all too well. They both followed each other to their room to get a well-rested sleep.
It wasn’t long before Youngjae fell asleep. Having the warmth radiate from Jaebum’s body was enough to keep him content even when there was loud outside noises from their neighbors.
“Do you really think he loves you?” Youngjae heard an unknown voice. It sounded really familiar, but he couldn’t exactly name it.
Youngjae sat himself up on the bed and sighed with relief. The sudden movement woke Jaebum. He stared into the dark, trying to find Youngjae with the little light shining through the window. He reached his hand and felt Youngjae’s temperature in case he was having nightmares because of a fever. Youngjae repositioned himself back on the mattress and circled his thumb on Jaebum’s exposed cheek, a sign to tell him that he was alright. With this, they both fell asleep again.
The sun alarmed Youngjae, making him force his eyes to open to the yellow beams. Usually it was warm when he woke up, but now it felt unpleasantly cold. He turned around in excitement to see Jaebum’s tired smile, but it wasn’t there. He got out of bed quickly and eagerly looked around the apartment. Nothing. Every room was empty and there was no sign of Jaebum. The pace of his breath rose. Youngjae sat on the edge of the couch and thought about the strange voice he had heard in his sleep. He couldn’t help it. Youngjae was starting to assume the worse and was starting to take into consideration what the voice had asked him. Jaebum left him, that was exactly how Youngjae thought. It was early in the morning and he didn’t know how long he has been alone. If it was that cold, he probably left hours before. Youngjae started connecting things at the wrong places. It made sense to him, but really it just didn’t at all.
The front door opened and keys were clinking against each other. Youngjae stood up and took a closer look, in hopes that it was Jaebum. It really was him. Jaebum was holding their house keys in between his teeth. His hands were occupied from large paper bags as he walked over to the counter. Jaebum and Youngjae locked eyes and didn’t look away. Jaebum gave Youngjae the tired smile that he had missed in bed. He raised both his arms to show that he had left to buy some ingredients to prepare breakfast. To this, Youngjae thought it was normal to overthink things.
They ate quietly like always. The sound of forks scraping against the ceramic plate irritated their ears, but what could be done? It was part of their daily routine. Even if they were to say something, it would just be seen as odd.
“You really do love me, right?” And odd it was. Youngjae traced the edge of his plate with his fork while Jaebum gave him a questioning look.
“We have been dating for years now and you have never asked that before.” Jaebum munched on his food slowly. “Why are you asking now?”
“I was just curious.” Youngjae placed his fork in the center of his plate and abruptly stood up.
“That’s the weird part. You have never been curious about that.” Jaebum watched Youngjae throw the leftovers, which he usually finishes, into the trashcan. He sighed, clearly not understanding the situation that was happening between them. “What’s wrong? Why are you acting like this?”
“I’m not acting like anything.” Youngjae took the plate from Jaebum’s hands and began rinsing the stained glass. Jaebum could only watch with sorrow. He didn’t know what was happening and he was starting to believe that it was his fault. He walked out of the kitchen and made his way to their bedroom. He planned on doing the laundry so that Youngjae didn’t have to stress about it later on.
“He is slowly losing interest in you.” Jaebum perked his head up confusingly. He honestly thought he had heard something. He looked around, but when nothing happened he disregarded what he thought he had hear. Jaebum picked up the clothes scattered on the ground and stared out the door. It was wide open so he had a perfect view of Youngjae’s back. He liked seeing Youngjae do the dishes. It made him look more feminine than usual, but it was probably just something he thought was adorable.
Jaebum placed the clothes in the small laundry basket and carried it into the cramped room just next to where they slept. Although there wasn’t much room to move, it was doable enough for clean shirts and jeans. He set the timer, poured in the detergent, and the clothes were placed inside one by one. The basket was placed on top of the washing machine and Jaebum moved out into a room with more space from the left and right. Just being in the laundry room for a minute gave Jaebum some aches.
Youngjae was under the bedsheets. His head was slightly peeking out and Jaebum noticed the lost strands sticking out in all sorts of directions. He sat himself down next to Youngjae. Jaebum ran his slick fingers through Youngjae’s hair and had a sudden rush in his cheeks. It was similar to the one when he met Youngjae for the first time.
The day went by fast. The two didn’t do much and it wasn’t surprising at all. Jaebum was still confused and curious about Youngjae’s strange behaviour during breakfast. He never got to ask about it again, quite frankly because he knew Youngjae wouldn’t respond back and answer with honesty.
“He was trying to distract you.” The same voice Jaebum heard earlier rung through his ears. He furrowed his eyebrows and told himself that it was all in his head.
Jaebum leaned against the wall as he covered himself with the blanket to keep out the cold. The room was darker than the last time he saw it. It made him even more tired and his head kept on dangling from all directions. Youngjae was beside him. His shoulder was just barely touching Jaebum’s own skin. It was there, the space between his neck down to his smooth arms was just unoccupied. Jaebum rested his head to fill the space and breathed out slowly. It was comfortable, very comfortable. They stayed in that position until they fell asleep.
Their anniversary was just around the corner. They don’t go all out with high class champagne and certainly do not have rough sex in the middle of the night. It wasn’t like them to do crazy things like that. They were more likely to go out and eat at their most favorite place. It would be the restaurant they first had their date at. It must seem cheesy, but it was the only place they could think of because going to each other’s houses was not an option. Their parents would keep telling them to leave the door wide open whenever they invited each other over. Going to a restaurant was the least rated place to have pleasurable sex anyways according to Youngjae’s mom. Yet, she still suggested them to go somewhere with crowded old people. Of course he didn’t listen and would just leave the house.
Youngjae poured hot chocolate carefully into two ghost white cups. He was wary about the overflow of the scorching water as he walked over to the couch. He placed them on top of the coasters which had the shapes of squares. He seated himself and stared blankly at Jaebum.
“Our anniversary is coming up.” Youngjae eventually eyed the ground.
“Yeah, I already know that. I’ve known that since the day we started going out because I keep damn good track of it.” It was ridiculous and Youngjae knew what his lover was thinking.
“You’re going to spend it with me, right?”
Jaebum sighed. It wasn’t a sigh of happiness or a sigh of sadness. It was out of plain annoyance and it was a sign that Jaebum was getting angry. Youngjae wanted to stop talking, but he just couldn’t control himself.
“Don’t stop.” Youngjae listened to the voice speaking through him.
“You’re going to spend it with me and no one else, right?” Jaebum could only stare at Youngjae in shock. He had no clue that he would bring himself to ask something like that.
“It seems to me like he doesn’t trust you anymore.” Jaebum was furious and he was starting to believe what he has been hearing too.
“What if I don’t? What will happen if I leave you behind and just go meet with someone else?” Jaebum noticed Youngjae’s hands clutching onto the hem of his own shirt.
“You wouldn’t do that. "
Jaebum furrowed his eyebrows and scoffed. “Then why do you keep asking me these unnecessary questions? Did you want me to say something along the lines of, ‘I don’t love you, Youngjae. I don’t care about you,’ so that you can use it to your advantage?”
“You’re going to accuse me of doing something like that?” Youngjae raised his voice.
“I’m not accusing you of anything! I was just simply asking out of curiosity!”
“You were simply yelling out of curiosity.” Youngjae spoke in a monotone.
“You are being a total fucker, Youngjae. You really are.”
They haven’t been talking to each other for two straight days and this included physical contact too. Jaebum has been leaving the house more often and Youngjae has been staying in bed all day. They were distancing themselves more than they would have.
“You should just leave him.” Youngjae was scared of this voice. He keeps hearing it and it just won’t stop. He doesn’t know what is going on. This was driving him crazy, and to make matters worse Youngjae decided to say something.
“You’re scaring me.”
It was really quiet for a moment, but Youngjae heard it. “Not me, you are.”
Youngjae stared, looking unamused at the closed door. Jaebum said if he left the door open, Youngjae might feel sick every single time he saw him passing by. Youngjae wanted to cry. He wanted to cry so badly because of the fear that he might lose Jaebum. It felt like he was possessed by someone else and not acting like himself. It was as if the voice he had been hearing was in control of him. His lips and hands were shaking nonstop. In an instant, Youngjae covered both his ears and cried out loudly.
“Please don’t leave me! Please don’t leave me, Jaebum!” The loud sobbing echoed in the room. “I love you so much. You can’t leave me, please.”
Jaebum closed the door quickly and breathed hot air into his hands. A striped scarf wrapped nicely around his neck and a black peacoat showed his great sophistication. He took off his shoes and a huge smile appeared on his face. Just as he was about to walk in, he saw a pair of eyes filled with fury and jealousy.
“You better not have been out with someone else.” Those were the first words in days that Youngjae said to Jaebum.
“Why are you still on that? Why do you suddenly not trust me anymore?” Jaebum asked calmly.
“He’s hiding something.” Youngjae heard the voice once again.
“You’re hiding something.” Youngjae repeated the voice, strongly accusing Jaebum.
“Youngjae, it’s our anniversary today. I don’t want to have an argument with you on such an important day.”
Youngjae processed the words that were said to him. “I’m sorry.” He apologized shortly after and watched as Jaebum stepped closer towards him.
“He doesn’t mean it.” Something was trying to convince Jaebum this was true.
“You don’t really mean it.” Jaebum shoved his hands into the sewn pockets of his coat. He was fiddling with something as if it was a surprise.
“I know I’ve been acting strange and haven’t been myself for the past few days, but you can’t deny that you’ve been like that too.” Younghae eyed Jaebum’s hands intently. He raised an eyebrow and before he could say anything, Jaebum beat him to it.
“It’s a present, an anniversary present for you.” A black box was tightly wrapped by Jaebum’s hands. “I wanted to give it to you right when I got home, but we started arguing. It wasn’t the right time, but I guess there won’t be.”
“Jaebum.” Youngjae’s voice softened. He picked up the box when Jaebum gave the opportunity for him to take it. Youngjae opened it slowly, being careful not to let anything fall out. A silver necklace with the his initials hung in the middle. It was simple but elegant with all the small diamonds filling the spaces of the letters.
“This is for someone else.” Youngjae pulled the necklace out without thinking about how fragile it was. The chain snapped and Jaebum widened his eyes in shock.
“What do you think you’re doing!” Jaebum stared at the loose chains scattered on the ground. “Why do you not trust me? You need to stop! For God’s sake, Youngjae!” Youngjae dropped his arms beside him.
“I’m tired of this. I really am, Youngjae.” Jaebum knelt on the wooden floor and picked up the small chains that fell.
“He wants to breakup.” This voice just won’t stop.
“You’re breaking up with me.” Youngjae stepped back as more pointless thoughts projected into his mind. The box fell from Youngjae’s hand, catching Jaebum’s attention.
“Youngjae!” The chains fell once again as Jaebum grabbed onto his boyfriend’s arm. “I didn’t say that. That’s not what I meant. Please! Please!”
“Let me go!” Youngjae brushed his shoulder against Jaebum’s as he walked away. He quickly secured the laces of his shoes and held tightly onto the frame of the door. He was crying.
“Please don’t leave me!” Jaebum pleaded.
It was quite bright outside. Youngjae walked through busy pedestrians who could only focus on getting to their desired destination. Only a couple steps left, Youngjae stopped his tracks and looked straight ahead of him. It was the restaurant they had their first date at. It was packed with hungry customers and it made Youngjae smile. That place really did grow. He turned around and across from it was a bar or some sort of club. Jaebum liked to complain about how immature the people were and made sure Youngjae got the point. He just couldn’t see someone like him to be walking around in those dark, scary places.
Youngjae continued to stare at the people conversing with drinks in their hands. He noticed some people having full make out sessions too. Not fully aware of what was going on, a hand grasped his own. Youngjae jumped and turned around, expecting it to be Jaebum, but it wasn’t.
“You seem lost.” It was a stranger. A complete stranger who was drunk. The hands trailed down to Youngjae’s shirt, making him feel uncomfortable. Their lips touched and it only came out as sour. Youngjae fought to push the man away, but failed to. He could feel a tongue trying to slide in between his lips. He was getting angry. Youngjae clutched onto the broken necklace he took with him and he pushed the man off.
“You people are gross.” Youngjae sniffed in the cold air that tickled his red nose. “You people are immature just like he said.”
Youngjae brought his hand up and stared at the necklace. He was wrong in so many ways and he knew that for a fact. He walked back the other direction, the same direction he came in before to go home. He missed Jaebum. He really missed him.
Jaebum sat on the couch with his knees against his chest. He cried for the first time in years. The tears were filled with all sorts of feelings. He was angry and sad at the same time which only made him feel worse. His eyes were already red and swollen. The crying just wouldn’t stop.
“He left you.” Jaebum could hear the distinct voice. He honestly wasn’t in the right mind, but something urged him to say something to it.
“You’re making everything worse.”
He heard the voice again and he wasn’t sure if it was supposed to be reassuring. “Not me, you are.”
The door opened and Youngjae walked in with guilt. He had a feeling Jaebum would be on the couch and so he made his way over. With his hands closed, he brought his hand out towards him.
“Would you like to put it on me?” It was the necklace. The chain was newly replaced and no one knows for sure how Youngjae managed to get it fixed. Jaebum laughed and cried at the same time. It hurt Youngjae very badly. The necklace found its place in between Jaebum’s fingers. He pulled Youngjae into a hug as he hooked the clasp together. It was fastened around Youngjae’s neck and he made sure it wouldn’t fall off.
Jaebum held Youngjae’s warm body close to him. His head inched closer to the lonely lips and for a brief moment, there was a pause. Youngjae expected a rough kiss, the one Jaebum liked very much, but he got the sweet and gentle kind instead. Their lips parted and Jaebum clutched onto Youngjae’s shirt.
“I love you. I love you so much, Youngjae.” Jaebum breathed into Youngjae’s ears.
“I love you too, Jaebum.”