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Taeil doesn’t want to meet his soulmate. Also, he does not envy Yuta and Hansol, neither Sicheng and Kun. He is okay on his own, he likes to be alone.
At 23 years old, most people already met their soulmates long time ago, but he hasn’t. In his small group of close friends, he’s the only one who still doesn’t know who his soulmate is, so whenever they go out to eat, in the group chat, in movies marathons, Taeil is constantly reminded about his “missing half”.
Though Taeil doesn’t care about stupid other halves, he honestly thinks he is capable enough on his own and has witnessed how bad relationships, even between soulmates, can end up.
Truth to be told, he’s scared. Whenever he stares at the mark in his right shoulder – A Large rectangle, quite like a box, with very distinctive marks and a circle in the middle – he’s even more scared, and hopes to be one of those few souls that never get to meet their partner. He knows that he’s being selfish, but he can’t permit himself that amount of pain because he believes he’s not able to take it. He is not willing to take the risk even if that means his soulmate dies alone as well.
“We’re buying stuff now, you want something?” Kun says from the other side of the phone, they’re meeting in Taeil’s apartment tonight.
“What about beer maybe?” he replies.
It wasn’t until later that night, though, when they were all lying drunk on the floor of Taeil’s living room, he realizes how much of a bad idea beer was.
Yuta and Hansol are cuddling next to Taeil, Yuta pressing his fingers against Hansol’s forearm skin where his mark is, in the exact same place as his. It’s then when he has a brilliant idea and opens his mouth.
“Taeil” Yuta calls, barely audible over the sound of the TV, voice pretty much full of drunkenness, “aren’t you worried about your soulmate?”
Taeil of course, being the communicationally dysfunctional, awkward friend he is, never told his friends he’s soulmatephobic, because that makes no sense. He is supposed to love even the idea of his soulmate.
But Taeil doesn’t. And that’s beyond weird.
Hansol hurries to shut Yuta up but Taeil answers anyway, because he’s too drunk to think it twice, or because this is the opportunity to come out as a soulmatephobic.
“No” He answers, and Yuta smiled at him because Yuta is a romantic and is probably expecting Taeil to say shit like ‘we’ll meet anyway and form a family and love each other blabla soulmates rule, hurrah’. So when Taeil doesn’t, Yuta frowns a bit without completely washing the smile out of his face and continues.
“So?”
At this point, everybody is looking at Taeil; they look pretty interested, probably because he has never talked about his soulmate and ‘Oh how much I want to meet them so we can love each other forever’
“So what?” he asks, and now not just Yuta but Kun, Sicheng and Hansol have genuine frowns on their faces.
“You don’t want to meet them?” Sicheng asks, and now is Kun’s turn to shut his boyfriend up, but not before he adds, “Aren’t you excited?”
Taeil, who honestly feels too drunk to lie right now, answers.
“No, not really”
And the room falls in silence for a few minutes. Taeil’s friends seem tense, worried even, he’s about to make a comment to light the mood when Yuta decides to open his mouth once again.
“When you meet them you will though” He’s trying to light up the mood, Taeil knows, but then he hits a nerve, “You can’t die alone anyway” and chuckles.
“I can die alone though, I don’t need anyone” His voice is calm but he can feel the poison coming from his mouth, “I don’t care about a soulmate, I don’t want one. So I’d rather never meet them.”
Almost a week later, Taeil still doesn’t talk to his friends. He olympically ignores everyone because they hurt his pride, what do you mean he can’t die alone?
Well, fucking watch me Nakamugly Yuta ‘cause those are my plans.
Taeil rules a small café in the center of the city, is pretty close to a college so people are always coming and going, Mark helps in the mornings before going college, then Jaehyun helps in the afternoons after coming from college, and Taeil takes evenings alone, since is the time when less clients are around.
This afternoon though Taeil has to take care of the whole place alone because Jaehyun has a lot of exams and stuff so Taeil just tells him to focus on his studies, that he’ll be okay.
Though Taeil is not really okay because there are too many clients and he’s quite having a hard time trying to give everyone the right orders. It’s then when he feels it. In the midst of chaos in his little café filled with impatient people, Taeil fucking feels it.
And he is scared. Terrified to the point where all he does is standing there for like half a minute before understanding that, if he keeps doing that, looking as stunned as he knows he does, then it’ll just be a hint to what is happening. So Taeil moves. He keeps accepting orders, coming closer to his imminent end.
The pull inside his chest is like a GPS, he can feel his soulmate, this person is there somewhere at his right and he has to find a way to run away from them before it’s too late.
He can’t run away though, because this is his business and he’s responsible for it.
“Excuse me?” A voice says, it sounds soft and a bit shaky and Taeil feels a stone settling on his chest because he can feel it, the pull, this person that’s talking to him, this is his soulmate.
“Yes?” He takes a deep breath and turns around, pretending he doesn’t feel it, maybe, if he pretends he doesn’t feel it then this stranger will go away.
The sigh that welcomes him, though, worries him. Because suddenly he doesn’t want this stranger to go away.
He is pale, just slightly taller than Taeil, his eyes are big and warm and make Taeil feel the hurry to hug and pamper him in every possible way, his hair is somewhere between white and a pretty faded purple, he also has little moles on his lower lip and Taeil suddenly feels like the air on his lungs has abandoned him.
He pretends he doesn’t feel anything. No matter how stunning his soulmate is, he has made himself a promise and he is going to keep it god damn it no matter how hard it is.
“So?” he asks, being surprised of his own self as he sounded polite and calm, like his breath hasn’t been stolen away from him by this gorgeous stranger.
“I-” He looks so lost, so confused, Taeil is about to spill the truth because the sad look in this beautiful person’s face is just too much, “May I have a muffin and a coffee please?” he then says, shaking his head and avoiding eye contact.
Taeil doesn’t bother with asking a name to call for or anything, he quickly prepares the order and hands it to the man, who sits down in a table at the back instead of just leaving as Taeil would’ve liked.
Eventually, he leaves, and afternoon is followed by the evening, and everything goes back to normal. Taeil closes the café at 7pm because he doesn’t feel like staying there until later, giving the things that happened he needs to rest. It was rough, but it is okay now, because the stranger is gone and Taeil doesn’t need to see him again.
How much of an idiot Taeil has to be to really think this kid would give up at the idea of his soulmate just like that. The kid –better known as Taeyong– visited Taeil’s café everyday at afternoon for a week, and Taeil always makes Jaehyun take and give his orders.
Afternoon being as busy as it is he could use the excuse of the excess of clients. Also, Jaehyun is a good friend, so when he noticed Taeil was actually avoiding Taeyong and asked about it, he helped Taeil when the later told him he just didn’t want to talk to him because something happened.
So they divided the bar in two, taking two rows of clients, Taeyong always stands on Taeil’s side but when he’s close, Taeil fakes a call, or acts like he remembered something, he always comes with a new not-obvious-at-all plan and then Jaehyun jumps to action, attending Taeyong so he goes ways.
Taeil’s heart feels uneasy though, watching Taeyong leave with such a tired, sad and frustrated expression on his face day after day.
Yuta and the rest show up begging for his forgiveness, Taeil is tempted to say no when Yuta adds “It’s just you know, your life without your soulmate can be pretty miserable” but he apologizes right away, and then everybody else does. And they are Taeil’s friends since a long time anyway so he decides to just jump over the problem and forget it because he knows how imprudent Yuta can be without even noticing, he never meant to hurt Taeil in the first place and he had a bit of the fault too since he never told them how unhappy he was about the soulmates deal.
Everything goes well for a week, almost so well Taeil thinks he actually got rid of Taeyong when he finally gives him a break and doesn’t show up on the weekend. Yet, good things never last for too long.
In Monday, Taeyong shows up at 6pm, Jaehyun left early because he had stuff to do so Taeil is taking care of the place on his own, there are barely a few people and Taeyong goes to his usual table at the back and waits for Taeil, who needs to take several breaths and prepare himself, to take his order.
Taeil approaches as casually as he can, a little smile on his lips as if he didn’t want to run the farest way from this guy as possible.
“What can I bring you?” he asks, and Taeyong looks at him for around a minute, it’s only when Taeil lifts an eyebrow at him that he speaks.
“Just coffee and, do you have cookies?” he asks, avoiding eye contact once again. Why does he do this anyway? Taeil wonders as he goes back to the counter to get the order ready.
When Taeil places the order on the table, he’s about to leave but a voice stops him.
“I’m Taeyong” is all he says, but Taeil already knows, he feels like he has heard it a thousand times now, from every time Jaehyun has called him to take his order. He nods anyway.
“I’ve seen you around here lately” Taeil says nodding, instead of replying with his own name because he doesn’t want Taeyong to know that, he also pretends he doesn’t notice Taeyong’s hand extended towards him, he can’t touch Taeyong cause that’ll just confirm what Taeil is trying to deny. He’s about to leave again when Taeyong stops him one more time.
“What’s your name?” he says, in a shy tone, and Taeil looks at him amused because telling him to mind his own business seem too hard and Taeyong too soft.
Taeyong blushes a shade of pink but doesn’t say anything, so Taeil gives up, what’s so bad about giving his name anyway? He can’t do anything with it.
“I’m Taeil” he finally says.
“Taeil” Taeyong repeats, and Taeil was so wrong about him not being able to do anything with that, because the mere sound of his name escaping his lips makes so many things to him. “I was wondering” he continues, not aware of Taeil’s train of thoughts, “If we could talk”
“About what?” Taeil asks, a little too hard, but he doesn’t apologize neither tries to explain himself.
“I just… I just need to” Taeyong’s soft voice sounds so embarrassed and apologetic Taeil feels disgusted of himself for treating him in that way. “There’s something I need to discuss with you”
“I’m busy working”
It isn’t a lie. Well, maybe a bit, but the shop is still open and there are still people besides them.
“Oh so we could go out and…” Taeyong starts, something hopeful in the tone of his voice, but Taeil quickly cuts him off.
“I work every day” He says, “even weekends”
“Then I can wait” He replies, a sudden security on his voice Taeil wasn’t expecting, “I can wait until everybody here leave so we can talk”
Taeil grimaces, but turns around to go back to the counter without shooting Taeyong one last word; he’ll wait for him anyway, so they’ll have the time for Taeil to tell him he doesn’t want him on his life and then kick him out like a puppy to the rain.
When the local is finally empty it’s around 8pm and Taeil hangs the “closed” sign despite he usually closes at 9. He turns around and finds Taeyong staring at him with those big, begging eyes and he feels pretty much frustrated as he walks towards him and sits at the other side of the table both to be able to look at him properly and to keep distance.
“So what do you need?” Taeil says, casual as always, a master in hiding his feelings that beg him to just run the fuck away from that place.
“Don’t you… don’t you feel it?” He starts, his voice so soft is barely a whisper, and he’s not looking at Taeil but at the table while playing with his empty cup that once had coffee.
“Feel what?”
Taeil never expected it. He never expected that lying to his soulmate would be so hard.
Taeil used to think that if he ever got the chance to meet his soulmate, he could just shrug it away, pretend he didn’t feel anything, and walk away to never see each other again. But it’s so hard, and Taeyong looks so shocked and sad that Taeil wants to fall to his knees and beg for his forgiveness.
“I…” He looks so lost, moving his hands in the air like that would explain it all, “That, the pull” Taeyong says, and he looks at Taeil in the eyes for a second too long. “You really can’t feel it?” he sounds so frustrated, “It’s me” he points to himself “And it’s you” he points to Taeil who tries his best to fake a confused expression.
“Yeah… It’s me” Taeil says, slowly, like talking to someone who’s crazy. Guiltiness settles on his gut the seconds Taeyong looks at him like he’s about to cry.
“Give me your hand” he says, desperate, and puts his own hand on the table for Taeil to grab it.
He just smiles nervously and stands up. “I think you should go” Is all he says.
Taeyong jumps out of his seat and shakes his head.
“Just give me your hand” he moves near Taeil who moves away, “Just, please.”
No matter how much Taeyong tries to touch Taeil, he pulls away. What makes Taeyong visibly mad, his eyebrows furrowed and his lips pressed together.
“Why don’t you want me to touch you?” he says, angriness in his voice, “You know it, don’t you? You just have been pretending” his voice isn’t loud but to Taeil it sounds like he’s screaming.
So now he knows the truth, and Taeil has no idea what to do to convince him he’s just crazy.
“I don’t know what you want from me.” He sounds desperate, pretending until the end that he actually doesn’t have an idea of what Taeyong’s talking about.
There is a pregnant pause between them, like 3 whole minutes of silence, and then in a super fast movement Taeyong is grabbing Taeil’s right hand with both of his own.
Taeil was taught in school, like everybody else, how it is when your soulmate touches you for the first time and that creates a connection between your physical bodies since your souls are already interlaced. They said it was exciting and it fills you with joy, they said most people cry, and they also said that it makes you feel a bit dizzy. But nothing they said could have possibly prepared Taeil for this.
His whole body feels as if it’s melting, his mind goes fuzzy and he can’t think of anything. He really wants to stop touching Taeyong right now, but he can’t bring himself to move as he feels like he could fall.
He isn’t happy.
There is no hint of the joy they promised and instead, fear and restlessness settle in his chest like a hard stone. He feels like he could faint and he finds himself momentarily thinking that maybe he could die and all of his problems would be solved.
Is Taeyong who breaks the contact between them, sitting again on the nearest chair and hiding his face with his hands. Taeil supports himself in the nearest table so he won’t fall to his knees.
He listens to Taeyong’s quiet sobs in the small space of the café. He feels like crying as well, but that’s just because Taeyong is crying and the connection between them is so new that they can feel what the other feels, that part never lasts too long for what Taeil knows, but he finds himself feeling even more desperate now that they’re connected, because it means that even if Taeil gets to run away from this, he’ll never be totally out of it. There isn’t a way back now.
Taeyong lifts his head to look at him again, his big round eyes filled with tears and Taeil is invaded with a wave of angriness, so furious, Taeyong straightens in his sit looking at him with a little of fear in his eyes.
“You…” He starts, but he’s not able to say anything else before Taeil is quickly cutting him off.
“Why the fuck did you do that?” he says, his voice is so angry and hard he is surprised of himself because Taeil is pretty chill and he never gets this angry.
“You… You acted like you didn’t know, you…”
“Yes, you brat” he cuts again, same rough tone on his voice “Did it ever cross your mind that I don’t fucking want you in my life?” and tears are leaving Taeyong’s eyes again but Taeil is too angry to give a fuck, even their emotional bond right now doesn’t affect him at all, “I avoided you, I didn’t even look at you, yet you had to get what you fucking wanted, couldn’t you leave me alone? You just came into my life to create trouble, geez” Taeil stops for a second to breathe in, “You’re so fucking annoying”
Taeyong stands up, tears running down his face accompanied with a sad and embarrassed expression as he exits the place and walks away.
Guiltiness is eating Taeil alive. He can’t even sleep because when he closes his eyes all he’s able to see are Taeyong’s round eyes filled with tears. He is really a disgusting person for treating someone in that way.
But then again, Taeyong had a little of the fault too, for wanting to make a space into his life no matter what. A space Taeil just wasn’t willing to give.
The following days, Taeil feels sad. It’s not his own sadness but Taeyong’s and he knows, what makes him feel even guiltier because he doesn’t even feel like going out of bed, and if this is how he feels he doesn’t want to imagine the state his soulmate is in.
It isn’t until four days later that Taeil sees Taeyong again.
Casually, Jaehyun has to study that day too so Taeil is taking care of the place all on his own, but Taeyong comes in the afternoon, what means the place is bursting with people and the only contact they have is when he takes and gives Taeyong’s order. The taller sits in a table a little away from him, he finishes his order and goes away.
He does this for five whole days. If guiltiness was eating Taeil alive before, he doesn’t know how to describe how he feels right now. He also doesn’t know why Taeyong keeps coming when he said all the mean stuff he did, he’s frustrated and he wants his soulmate to disappear, or to disappear himself maybe.
At the sixth day, the bond is weaker and he can’t feel what Taeyong feels anymore, but it’s just a bitter reminder that even if it’s not as strong as it was the first days, the bond is still there, unbreakable.
At the sixth day, Taeyong comes when the sun has already disappeared on the horizon, Taeil is about to close the local when he hears him coming in and sitting down, he’s using a sleeveless shirt that allows Taeil to look at the mark in his shoulder, exactly equal to Taeil’s and he’s pretty sure he has done it on purpose.
“We’re closed” he says, tense and cold.
“I know” Taeyong replies, surprising Taeil by using the same tone.
“What do you want?” he complains, walking to the door to close it so no other would come in.
“To talk” Taeyong limits himself to give two words replies and it’s pissing Taeil off.
“That didn’t end up well last time.”
“Just listen to me could you?” He says, the desperation on his voice betraying the cold vibe he’s trying to give off, “I felt your guiltiness, we can make this work.”
“Don’t you understand it?” Taeil snaps, “I don’t want to make anything work, I was rough to you when you were nothing but kind, so I felt guilty about being such a bitch, but I haven’t changed my mind, I don’t want to be with you, stop being such a brat” he accentuates his words so he makes sure Taeyong will understand.
“Stop calling me brat” Taeyong angrily complains, “You don’t even know how old I am, I could be older than you”
“I’m from the 94” Taeil says, narrowing his eyes at him.
Taeyong’s cheeks turn pink as he mumbles a muffled “95”and then, in a more audible tone he says “I’m still not a brat, thought”
Taeil massages his temples with his index fingers before speaking.
“Just say whatever you need to say and leave, kid”
“I… I have been waiting for you” He starts, looking at Taeil dead in the eye, “I just don’t get why you’re so upset I’m your soulmate after all”
Taeil has no words. He doesn’t know how to explain to this stranger about his soulmatephobia. He could not even tell his friends until a few weeks ago and it all ended up so bad.
So they just look into each other’s eyes for a while. Fear and desperation clear in Taeyong’s dark orbs as if the words were written there along with a particular feeling Taeil deep inside knows the name of but is too afraid of even think about because it has the power to turn his world upside down.
“I really think you should go” Is everything the older boy says, sitting down in the table in front of the one where Taeyong’s sitting. Not avoiding eye contact but making sure that he won’t touch him again, he doesn’t feel like it.
“Give it a chance” Taeyong says, a little desperate. “Give us a chance”
Taeil looks away because he wants to pretend he doesn’t have the chance to see the tears pooling in Taeyong’s eyes. He doesn’t want to feel guilty again, even though it seems a bit too late for that.
“I don’t and never had the intention to get together with my soulmate, I apologize if I caused trouble but you have to understand that. It’s not your decision, my opinion also matters.”
“But mine doesn’t? Do you expect me to just give up?”
“You can’t force me into something I don’t want” Taeil roughly answers, voice strong and angry, “What kind of monster would that make you.”
Silence settles between them again, like every time they talk. Like every time Taeil opens his mouth.
He quite expects Taeyong to leave right there offended by his words like the last time. But he stays. He stays and looks at Taeil – who doesn’t look back – for at least 15 minutes. And then he breaks the silence again.
“Could you at least…” His voice is shaking and Taeil’s chest hurts a little too much, “Could you at least let me kiss you?”
He widens his eyes and finally looks up at Taeyong who is looking back at him with big hopeful puppy eyes. He opens his mouth but closes it again, considering what to say.
Before he can give a proper answer, Taeyong is talking again.
“If it’s not you, it can’t be anyone else” He says, and his voice breaks in the middle of the sentence.
Guiltiness settles on his gut and he realizes, for the first time, what he is doing.
Taeil loves being alone, he doesn’t want nor need anyone else to feel complete or happy, but the fact that he feels that way doesn’t mean everybody else does. Before, he didn’t actually care for his soulmate to die alone, but that was mostly because it was a person Taeil didn’t know so they seemed a bit unreal, what reassured him.
But now sitting here in the same place as Taeyong looking at the tears he tries to blink away and feeling his pain, Taeil realizes how selfish he is being. Condemning him to sadness and dying alone, because if he wasn’t with Taeil, he literally could not be with anyone in the world, they were made for each other, to love and stand by each other’s side, and Taeil is forcing Taeyong to go against all that for his own selfish goals.
“Okay” It’s all he says, despite he knows now how selfish and awful he’s being, he’s determined not to give up.
They stand up at the same time; Taeil’s heart is beating so hard against his ribcages it feels like it could jump out in any moment. Taeyong is the one who approaches him, slowly as if he’s trying not to scare him, and then stands right there in front of Taeil, a little too close, but he doesn’t move, it’s like he’s waiting for Taeil give him a sign so he can proceed.
Taeil looks at his soulmate’s eyes. They stare at each other for a second before Taeyong is leaning close, alternating his gaze between Taeil’s eyes and his lips. His eyes flight shut as soon as he’s close enough Taeil is able to feel his breath against his lips so the older does the same and waits for what it seems like an eternity, but it’s probably just half a minute, until Taeyong connects their lips.
At first, Taeil isn’t even able to think about anything at all. His mind goes white despite Taeyong isn’t properly kissing him but barely brushing their lips together, his arms are hugging Taeil close.
He breaks apart to look at Taeil, as if he’s expecting him to push him away. But Taeil is just there between his arms, breathless and with his cheeks burning. So Taeyong leans close again to capture his lips in an actual kiss.
He pushes Taeil even closer to his body so one of his legs is trapped between Taeyong’s. He rests his left hand in the small of Taeil’s back and uses his right hand to cup Taeil’s face as he leans closer for a deeper kiss.
If Taeil wasn’t able to think before, he doesn’t know what to feel now, his head is spinning and he can’t focus. The sensation of Taeyong’s warm body against his own, lips pressed together, and one of his arms gently yet possessively hugging him, everything is so overwhelming it’s making Taeil feel like he could melt.
It takes him a moment but he kisses Taeyong back, circling his waist with his arms and moving his head to a side, pressing and moving his lips along with Taeyong’s own.
A second is all it takes and Taeyong is licking his lower lip and then all of a sudden his tongue is inside his mouth, and then he’s sucking Taeil’s tongue, and he feels as if he could just faint in Taeyong’s arms.
A warm sensation settles inside his chest while he hugs Taeyong closer and his whole world shakes when he hears a deep, almost animalistic sound escaping Taeyong’s lips.
Taeil doesn’t even realize he’s crying until he and Taeyong separate and his soulmate is removing tears from his cheeks with his thumbs despite he’s crying as well.
Taeil knows he shouldn’t, but he can’t stop himself from cleaning Taeyong’s tears.
“Please” Taeyong leans his forehead against Taeil’s and sobs before pecking his lips once more, “Please give us a chance.”
Taeil can’t stop the tears coming from his eyes. He wants Taeyong to stay, he wants to be in between his arms forever and to never get away from him.
But Taeil’s stubborn.
He is so fucking stubborn so all he does is using all of his will power to give a step back and separate their bodies, moving aside to tell Taeyong without words that he should go.
Taeyong is crying loudly. He buries his face in his hands for a moment and then he’s looking up again, tears still in his eyes, and he’s trying his best to mask his pain but Taeil can see through that façade and knows he’s just pretending.
When he’s at the door without turning around he says, “Thank you, and I’m sorry” His voice breaks so he takes a moment to pull himself back together, “I won’t annoy you again, I hope you have a happy life”
As soon as the door closes, Taeil collapses again, sitting in the nearest chair and sobbing desperately, the pain in his chest almost unbearable and all he wants to do is lay on the floor and disappear.
It comes to him in a second that all of this pain was caused by his own self and now he has what he wanted, Taeyong won’t bother him away. But that just makes him cry even louder, the sound of his unsteady breath echoing the small place.
Taeil can’t sleep. It’s a little more than impossible for him.
Whenever he does, all he dreams about are thin soft lips against his own, and holding Taeyong’s hand, and how things would be if he wasn’t so goddamn stubborn to begin with.
As a consequence, he looks awful and everybody is concerned about his state.
It’s been almost two weeks since the last time he saw Taeyong that night and Taeil fucking hates soulmates shit but it’s almost like his soul left with him.
He refuses to go out whenever his friends invite him, he doesn’t want to be between them specially because he’s a bit angry at Yuta again because he was right about his life being miserable and all that crap, and because they can have what Taeil is forcing himself to lose.
He hasn’t tell anyone about Taeyong or what happened, and it’s eating him alive as he cries during full sleepless nights over the fact that he wants Taeyong despite he doesn’t want to want Taeyong and how much of a mess his life is because he just can’t be a fucking functional human and lets all of his bad past experiences take over his present.
“Taeil hyung?” Jaehyun says, it’s dark outside and they’re already closing, his backpack looks heavy on his shoulders over his puffy red coat.
“Yes?” He asks, turning around after making sure the door is closed.
“What is wrong with you hyung?” He asks, not a tiny bit of roughness on his voice yet Taeil freezes right where he is, looking at him with wide eyes. “You haven’t been yourself lately, you look so sad and… lost. You haven’t been eating nor sleeping properly and that’s not something you have to say so anyone would notice, I am worried, hyung, Mark is worried, we all are.”
Jaehyun’s eyes are so soft Taeil is about to cry, he holds back the tears and takes a deep breath.
“I’m just tired, I’ve got some problems” his voice is shaky but he pretends he doesn’t notice.
Jaehyun’s eyes turn sad and Taeil is about to actually cry like an infant.
“Hyung, you know we’re friends right? You can count on me if you need to talk about anything, you’re important to me and seeing you like this while doing nothing it makes me feel really bad and useless.”
And he can’t hold himself back anymore. He cries and whines and complains about Jaehyun being such a good friend while the later hugs him just slightly laughing. “Do you want to tell me? I promise I will not judge.”
Taeil is a very closed person –at this point, is probably not even necessary to make that clarification– but he trusts Jaehyun, and he really needs to talk about what happened with someone, so he cries in Jaehyun’s arms and tells him about Taeyong and everything that happened with him while he just listens and hugs him tighter when he feels like Taeil needs that.
He is a bit more than surprised when he explains that he never had the intention to have a soulmate at all and Jaehyun doesn’t flinch. He doesn’t look at him like he came from mars or anything, he just stays there nodding and hugging him and Taeil can’t believe he has such a good friend in his life.
When he finishes, Jaehyun’s shirt is all wet with his tears. They’re still standing in the middle of the shop and he’s probably waiting until Taeil calms a bit so he can talk, so Taeil takes deep breathes and tries his best to stop.
“Hyung, can I ask you something and you promise you won’t get mad?” Jaehyun is still hugging him to his chest and Taeil can’t be more thankful than he already is, so he just nods. “That night, why did you let him go? That feeling you talked about, don’t you think that might be love?”
“I can’t love him Jaehyun, I barely know his name and his age” Taeil has to use all of his inner strength to stop the tears that threat to fall, “And I’m so stubborn, I can’t just…”
“But you can give him a chance, right?” Jaehyun says, pulling back a bit so he can clean Taeil’s tears, “You’re sad without him, even if you think you don’t love him, you feel something for him, don’t you?” Jaehyun’s eyes are so sad and if Taeil didn’t know better, he’d even think… no, but that’s crazy.
“As if I could take any feeling at all when I’m totally destroyed inside.”
“But hyung…”
“I can’t, Jaehyun” He buries his face in his chest once again, crying “Plus, I told him he was an annoyance and he promised not to come back”
“But you’ll give up? Just like that?” His voice is so soft yet convinced right before kissing his hair that Taeil isn’t exactly sure of what he should do anymore.
In his free time, Taeil looks around the city for Taeyong, but it’s as if the taller was nothing but an illusion. No one knows him, no one has seen him.
Was he even real? Or maybe, is it possible that it was all a product of my imagination?
He does not go to the college close of Taeil’s café.
Was it all really my imagination? The fights, the kiss, the pain?
He doesn’t know what he should do, maybe just giving up is the answer after all. He caused this, he wanted Taeyong out of his life so Taeyong left. He should be happy.
Taeil isn’t happy.
He grows closer to Jaehyun as the younger helps him to find Taeyong as well. Neither of them does but their friendship becomes stronger.
Two weeks and a half after their conversation and Taeil is pretty much considering to actually give up when Taeyong enters the small shop in the afternoon.
It’s Saturday so the place isn’t as full as it normally is.
Taeil wants to sit down and cry but he also wants to hug and kiss Taeyong, and he also feels like making a big fuss as if he had any right to do so.
But he does neither of those things and instead, he stays there looking at Taeyong. His mind blank.
“I just… want a coffee and a muffin maybe” He says, and when Taeil doesn’t move, he grimaces in embarrassment, “Listen I am sorry, I was close and I just… wanted to see you.”
He looks tired, probably a reflection of how Taeil looks like, dark circles under his eyes and he might or might not be skinnier than he was before.
Taeil is fast to move from behind the counter to stand in front of Taeyong who wrinkles his face almost painfully.
“I’ll leave if you want me to, I…” He’s cut off the moment Taeil wraps his arms around his body.
It takes Taeyong a moment to understand what’s happening, and then he hugs him back and hides his face in his neck, breathing heavily as to stop the tears.
“I am sorry” Taeil’s voice breaks and he hugs Taeyong even closer to him.
“It’s okay” He says, his voice barely a whisper, “we’re okay”
And Taeil is crying for the nth time in the past months because he can’t believe how forgiving Taeyong can be. People are staring and he knows but he can’t give less of a damn because he realizes now that this is it, the place he belongs to, between Taeyong’s arms.
“I’ve been looking for you” he cries out, “But no matter what I couldn’t find you, I really thought we wouldn’t see each other ever again”
Taeyong pulls back to look at him in the eyes, “did you really look for me?”
Whatever Taeil’s about to say is cut off by Jaehyun, who standing at the other side of the counter clears his throat, “You can go inside hyung, I’ll take care of this.”
When they’re alone in the safety of the kitchen, Taeyong repeats his question again.
“I am so sorry, Taeyong” Taeil cries out again, feeling just a bit more than ridiculous for crying so much. “I realized of how selfish I was being, Jaehyun told me I should look for you, he convinced me to give it a chance but when I did you were nowhere to be found.”
He makes a pause and Taeyong hurries to take him in his arms again, as if he’d disappear otherwise.
“Like you were never real, you just vanished” he whines, “I fucked up, I am so sorry.”
“It’s alright” Taeyong reassures him though he’s crying as well, so Taeil cries even harder.
“I’ve died inside so many times, I guess I was just afraid to die once more” He says, his voice somehow just above a whisper, “You know how’s that? I was so afraid of getting hurt I suppressed my own feelings, I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m a total asshole. If it’s any consolation, I got hurt too because of myself.”
Taeyong is holding him so tight, like his arms could protect Taeil for any kind of pain, he whispers apologetic words while he kisses Taeil’s hair and forehead as many times as possible, he also promises to take good care of him and Taeil finds himself blindly believing in his soulmate’s words.
They stay like that for a while, just crying in each other’s arms, just enjoying each other’s company for the time they’ve lost. Time they will regain.
Taeil doesn’t understand it. He really doesn’t.
How can someone be as stupid as he used to?
Wrapped between Taeyong’s arms, both in a blankets burrito while the morning light hits his beautiful face, his now dark brown hair, Taeil doesn’t understand why in the world would he want anything else but this.
Love is burning on his chest as he watches Taeyong sleep remembering the night before. It has been six months since he accepted the younger and despite Taeil’s believes that soulmates bring nothing but trouble, it was quite otherwise, his life since Taeyong has been full of nothing but happiness.
They moved together a week ago, their bed is still just the mattress lying in the floor but Taeil absolutely loves it, and it didn’t stop them to move into action either.
Taeyong opens his eyes and the sigh it’s just breathtaking in the lighting of the room, he smiles a bit and kisses Taeil’s forehead closing his eyes and resting his chin on the top of his boyfriend’s head.
“Good morning” He says, voice deep and raspy from sleep and Taeil thinks he might faint.
He hums in response burying his face in his boyfriend’s naked chest and closing his eyes once again.
The happiness he feels is overwhelming and makes Taeil think, for what it feels like the millionth time since they’re together, that he really is an idiot for running away from something as beautiful and Taeyong’s love and refusing his own.
But that doesn’t matter now, as Taeyong many times has reassured him before, because what is important is that they’re with each other.
And nothing in the world can tear them apart again.