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It all starts in the morning when the manager hyung tells them all to get up early today. Everyone of them, NCT 127 members, have to attend a meeting at SMTOWN building at 9 o’clock. Little bit of Donghyuck mind says that they maybe will have a comeback, considering this year is a big year for SM Agency to make most of their artists comeback. Well his feeling actually says so, too.
With the grunts (basically from those who are heavy sleepers) and struggles and also some extra sleeping time in the car, they arrive. Like a safe of ducks, they follow the manager hyung and safely sit down in the meeting room on time.
The meeting comes out as usual as it always is, talking about the members, the group development and most important but not so shocking thing, their upcoming comeback. The staff says it will be on June, because of the summer season. And yes, Donghyuck is very enthusiastic.
The next meeting will be on next week, and everyone have 2 more months to prepare everything. With that, the meeting ends and Donghyuck jumps in happiness, cannot hold it even more when he sees Taeyong smiles brightly, hugging everyone.
-
One week passes by, and the past week Donghyuck really cannot stop blabbering about his excitement to everyone. Everything that comes to his mind is only their comeback, so every single thing comes from his mouth is just about what concept they gonna have, kind of song they will sing, outfit they are going to wear. Yuta obviously scolds him, telling him to stop talking, or keep talking with only speaking another topic. Johnny just shrugs it off and calmly replies to everything he blurts out, telling him it is okay to be so full of energy. Jaehyun sometimes does not reply him nor look at him at the eyes because Donghyuck knows he is bored with the topic. Taeyong just tells him to practice singing or anything more.
The staff tells them this upcoming album will be in R&B genre, with a lot of rapping and some melodies. They also says that Taeyong and Mark will be the main point here. Donghyuck understands that, he used to that thing. They are all used to that thing. He feels okay about it, he is still excited anyway, he even imagines himself singing the songs, giving his heart out, making his fans happy.
So the song samples are given. After some concept talking, they can go home to the dorm. Right after bathing, having dinner and all, in his shared room with Mark, he starts to listen to the sample songs. Yes the staff is correct about Taeyong and Mark as the center, because actually most part of the songs are in fact, rapping. Even much more than the songs in Limitless or Firetruck album. Well Donghyuck is interested. This might be a good idea for their future career. But yet his subconscious mind thinks that with that portion of rapping, his own existence is endangered.
Weeks go by the wind, and it turns out that his stupid hunch was right. When the staff gives the members the actual songs, Donghyuck is in for a shock. There are six fixed songs in the album, majority of them will be sung by the rappers Taeyong and Mark and also by the vocalists, Taeil, Doyoung and Jaehyun. Donghyuck is overwhelmed. It is like all of his expectations, excitement, hopes, all crushed by the second he receives his lyric script.
He never truly understand what people quote from Shakespeare that expectation is the root of all heartache. But now, he really does.
The other, though, looks pretty fine. Yuta smiles widely, too wide for his good sake if it is not screaming in joy. Winwin cannot shut his mouth particularly because he has some lines now. Johnny also looks fascinated for the fact he is given more chance to show himself. Meanwhile deepdown, with the bright face Donghyuck tries to show, he is crushed.
On the way to the dorm, most of the members sleep, being fed up by the upcoming album issue. About its composition, recording, and everything. The moon is hanging outside and Donghyuck is now sitting in the backseat, sandwiched by Doyoung and Winwin. The latter is sleeping, definitely exhausted with the new task given to him.
Donghyuck is still in his wrecked state, less talking to everyone and just laughs at every joke the member throws even when it is not really funny. Bless fake smile.
“Hey, are you okay?” He does not notice his surroundings until something nudges his elbow. It is Doyoung. Of course. Who else?
God just leave me alone, his inner state screaming, yet Donghyuck just nod silently. “If there is something you wanna talk about, just tell me.” Doyoung pats his head, then continue enjoying the night scenery out of the window.
Donghyuck is a little bit touched honestly. Out of the hyungs, only Doyoung who notices his childish behaviour. He is really a good hyung.
That night, he cannot sleep at all. He flips his body to the right right and left, looking for the best position, but nothing is comfortable. Even when the dorm is already quiet with the members sleeping. He knows the reason why he cannot sleep. He buries something deep inside, and the has to let out that emotion. Crying may be an option, but the fury will still be inside him.
Donghyuck peeks at the other bed in the room, sees Mark already sleeping safe and sound, snoring sound as the background. The pit inside him boils again.
Well, it is always about Mark.
The kid who becomes SM trainee just as young as him. Korean-blooded foreigner who is famous because he is from Canada. A talent who is always praised by the trainers because of his never-ending improvements, the kid who says will not left Donghyuck behind. That kid who gets a lot of reward for winning trainees competition, the kid who is actually far more beyond Donghyuck. That kid who is his comparison, the kid who will always win against him.
At those depressing times, Donghyuck usually says one spell, thousand times to himself, that he is actually better than Mark. He can sings better than Mark, entertains people too, he also makes jokes better than Mark.
But reality hits him hard. Mark may not sings better than him, but the trainers like it more when Mark sings for them than when he does. Mark actually entertains people with his charming personality and people always love to have a conversation with Mark eventhough he doesn’t throw too much jokes. Mark who is always fun and more popular than him.
Mark who has fairer, smoother, nicer skin than him. Mark who has nice body, makes the coordi noona loves to dress him up. Mark who is more handsome than him. Mark who always looks brilliant in photoshoot. Who acts well in all of the filming. Mark who is always chosen to debut. Mark who is really talented, who makes everything turns into gold when he touches them. It was Mark, it is Mark and it will always be Mark. Mark, Mark, Mark.
Donghyuck does not realize his hands are trembling horribly, his throat is really dry. He is suddenly sweating heavenly and he has a bad headache. Theres a loud sound in his ears so he puts his hands on his ears, but it will not stop. It is only getting louder and louder and Donghyuck just curls his body helplessly, until suddenly the noise bursts out and stops.
Then Donghyuck breathes.
-
The next morning Donghyuck wakes up real late, after finally can sleep for a couple hours. His eyebags are hanging by his tired eyes. The members asks about it to him, he explains it is just because he is too tired that he cannot sleep at all. Well sometimes when you are hungry, hold it too long will make you hungry no more. The members gladly take his answer with no further question and tell him to eat more.
The midnight attack (he likes to call it that) happens quite often, it happens every three or four days, but yet he has no gut to tell the other members. Because if he tells them about this problem, he then also has to tell them the reason behind it which he already knows why and he cannot afford that. He just cannot tell anyone he is jealous of Mark.
So he will just keep it on his own. Sometimes talking with his mom will relieve his stress a bit and makes him calmer. Maybe he just misses his mom. Badly. Or maybe it is more serious than that.
-
One night at 11 pm, already takes a bath, eats dinner and feeling relaxed, Donghyuck lays on his bed. Thinking about his life, his journey until he can reach this point. How he now has a lot of fans he has to keep, especially after his stupid scandal in the past. Do something like that makes him feel grateful for everything given to him after all of things he gives in return. And sometimes he thinks about the other members too, what they sacrifice until they are this big. For example, Mark, well leaving your country to a different continent is such a crazy huge sacrifice. No wonder Mark receives all of this appreciation as a payback. Donghyuck understands that.
With a loud bang, suddenly the door opens and closes rightaway with such a force. Donghyuck yelps and he sees Mark, changing his clothes to his sleepwear angrily.
“There’s no need to put such a force, y’know. The door has done nothing wrong.” Donghyuck murmurs. Well he is right, but obviously he cannot sense the atmosphere.
Usually Mark will just say some sorry and laugh it off, but now seems like the stress and pressure given to him has taken ahold of him. “Oh I thought you were sleeping dead enough to hear this kind of thing as usual.” Mark raises his hands as if in surrender and throws his body to his bed.
“Pardon? It is not me who sleeps so unconsciously that does not even realize their own snoring or sleep sulking.” Donghyuck seems like taken aback by his own words, but he knows it is too late to take it back. He is not a labile person in the first place, anyway.
Mark is also looked shock, he takes a few moments before replies, “Well I am sorry then. I didn’t think it annoys you everytime.” Right then Mark gets up and out of that room, does not forget to close the door beforehand.
In a second Donghyuck feels guilty washes over him.
-
The next day, the whole dorm knows about their fight. Taeyong and manager hyung insist them to have a talk, better with the other members also, but it is also okay if it is only between them two. Donghyuck chooses the former, because he really cannot speak with Mark eye to eye, it will be awkward after the fight. Not to mention that Donghyuck has also avoiding Mark the past weeks because of his ‘internal struggling’. Oh he hate this side of him who loves to avoid problems.
“You guys may clear everything now. We don’t want anything to destroy our comeback. We don’t deserve that.” Taeyong wisely says, but Donghyuck takes this as an offense. Well Donghyuck is sorry. For all of the burden the members may have because of him. The bad name they get after his scandal brought up. And thanks, for the less than one minute chance he has in this upcoming album. He prefers to be in the Dream unit.
“I am sorry Mark hyung. I didn’t mean to be harsh. I didn’t notice you were in stress.” Donghyuck put his hands out, asking for a handshake. Mark grabs it rightaway. “Well I’m sorry too. I really didn’t realize you were not sleeping, either. And we are all wound up, anyway.” Mark then hugs him, warm with sincerity. Donghyuck still holds back his feelings, cannot express it as much as Mark does when he hugs Mark back. The other members then hug them both, smile spreading all over their face as warmth also fills their heart.
Except Donghyuck. He cannot feel glad or warmth even a bit. Seems like his heart already died inside.
Donghyuck just cannot relate the way Mark can forgive him so easily, the way he smiles wholeheartedly when Donghyuck asks for an apologize. How could someone be so purehearted like that? He’s Mark, anyway, his stupid, small, logic mind says.
Right then he declared that well, looks like it is the truth that Mark is greater than him, at all aspects, and everyone loves him. And he will just swallow that. He will just try to understand that Mark is for the fact better than him, and he has to accept that. He himself is nothing when it compares to Mark.
No need a doubt.