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Chapter Text

It was Isak’s first party of the new year. Jonas had dragged Isak along, saying he had to meet his new political science friends, that he would like them. Isak doubted that... a lot.  “In any case,” Jonas had added, “it’s time you move on from Eric, pouting is not a good look on you. You need to get out there again, man, I worry about you…”

And so Isak found himself on a couch in the living room of some dude. Jonas had quickly introduced him to some of his new friends before spotting the girl he had made out with the at the previous party. She had smiled, Jonas had winked to Isak and then disappeared in the crowd.

Good thing Magnus and Mahdi had found him shortly after. At least this way, Isak didn’t come off as a total loser without friends. Fuck his life, really.

Isak was aware of Magnus excitedly telling a story about some girl he pulled during a wild party at New Years. Mahdi laughed loudly and nudged Isak in the side, “Can you believe this guy? Thinks after three years we still don’t know he’s full of shit!”

Magnus sputtered his indignation and Isak laughed, allowing some of the anxiety to melt away by their reliable banter.

“Fine, so how about you guys?” Magnus asks, looking at both Isak and Mahdi.

Mahdi shrugged, “Went on holiday with my parents, didn’t have much time to party.”

Magnus turns his attention Isak, the question clear in his eyes.

“I...” spend my holiday break in my room, crying into ice cream because my boyfriend dumped me on Christmas day because he’s a complete and utter asshole, and I was stupid for not realising this sooner. Also, I realised he emotionally manipulated me our whole relationship and you guys had warned me but I wouldn’t listen and now I’ve gone and thrown away a year of my life is what Isak does not say “Nothing interesting to tell.” is what he decides on saying.

Mahdi’s eyes soften as he watches Isak, “Are you okay, man? I still think you’re better off without him, but still, it was such a shit thing to do, dumping you on Christmas day...” he shakes his head.

Magnus reaches over Mahdi and places a hand on Isak’s knee, “You can talk to us, you know.”

Isak scoffs, pushes Magnus’ hand away from his knee and shakes his head, “I’m fine, guys. He was a dick.”

Magnus nods, concern still present in his eyes.

Mahdi, sensing that Isak doesn’t want to talk about it, changes the subject and draws Magnus into a conversation about which girl here is desperate enough for Magnus to take home.

Isak tunes them out, and looks around the room. He’s not interested in taking anyone home, the heartbreak still too fresh, but Isak has always enjoyed observing people at parties. Or maybe not always, not when he was closeted, scared of and for himself. When he just wanted to be like everyone else.

He cannot say he’s totally okay with who he is right now. He’s too grumpy, too closed off, too harsh and bitter. That’s what Eric told him, as they sat in his too bright kitchen. He had said he was sorry, but he couldn’t be with someone like Isak, someone that cold.

Cold.

That word had struck a nerve for Isak, triggered the downward spiral of self-loathing that had been the rest of his winter break.

So, Isak is mindlessly letting his eyes wander, trying to stop thinking about the words Eric hurled at him. He had been so calm, smiling the entire time, like he was just giving Isak some notes on his biology essay. Like, he wasn’t tearing Isak’s heart out of his chest and stomping on it.

Isak had sat there, listening, he didn’t have the power or the words to stop the onslaught of Eric’s words. And so, he had kept silent, while he grew smaller and smaller. And all he could think about was that they had made love that very morning. He had still felt Eric inside of him.

Isak shook his head, trying once more to shake out the bad thoughts. He focused again on his surroundings and realised that, while zoning out he had been staring. Staring at the most beautiful boy Isak had ever seen in his entire life.

He was tall, freakishly tall. Probably even taller than Isak himself. His hair was blond and styled in a quiff that should’ve looked ridiculous but instead made him look like James Dean come back to life. He was wearing a denim jacket, and a white t-shirt that hugged his body so much it was sinful. Most striking however, were his eyes. Even from across the room, Isak could see they were a beautiful sort of blue. The type of eyes you wanted to get lost in.

The boy grinned at Isak and raised both eyebrows, a look in his eyes that dared Isak to keep looking.

Isak, however, blushed and lowered his eyes.

“Who are you looking at?” Mahdi had evidently seen Isak staring.

“Oh! That’s Even! He’s so cool! Isak, do you know him? Introduce us to him!” Magnus almost bounced out of his chair out of excitement.

“What?” Isak’s voice raised embarrassingly high as he shook his head, “Why would I know him? I was just… It wasn’t anything.”

“He’s coming over, though.” Mahdi said, smirking at Isak.

And that, well, Isak didn’t know how to feel about that. He wanted to get up and run to the kitchen, give some bullshit excuse about needing more beer or something. Or maybe he should just go home. He could still run away, if he just…

“Hi” Even dropped next to him on the couch, draping his arm over the backrest, behind Isak.

“Hi” Isak stammered, trying to get his heart under control. Didn’t he just say the heartbreak was still too fresh? What was he doing, getting all worked up over a pretty boy?

Even grinned at him, his eyes crinkling in the corners. His face lighted up the room, Isak thought distractedly, before kicking himself.

Get a grip, he thought to himself.

“I’m Even.” Even reached out his hand to Isak, waiting for him to shake it

“Oh, uhm, nice to meet you, Even. I’m Isak.”

“Oh, I know” Even said, as he grasped Isak’s hand, a bit too firm, a bit too long.

Before Isak could react, Even reached over him to introduce himself to Mahdi and Magnus. Magnus almost fell over himself to shake Even’s hand.

“I went to your exhibition last month, man! It was incredible. You’re a genius!” Magnus exclaimed, scooting closer to Mahdi to shake Even’s hand.

Even laughed, pleased and said, “I wouldn’t say I’m a genius. But thank you, that is really nice. You should come to see my new one. It’s a collection of short films.” He looked at Isak, “You should come too.”

Isak swallowed and tried to act cool as he said, “Yeah, I’ll, uh, I’ll see if I can come.”

“What the hell dude, like you have anything better to do? You’ve been sulking in your room for a month, I think you’ll find time to go to Even’s exhibition!” Magnus almost yelled at Isak.

“What the hell? I did not sulk all month, what would you know, you weren’t even here for a big part of the month!” Isak spluttered

“I don’t know, dude, even your memes in the groupchat have been awfully sulky this past month”

“I expected this betrayal from Magnus, but you too, Mahdi?”

Even laughed and nudged Isak’s shoulder with his, “You should come, though, it’ll be fun.” He looked Isak right in the eyes. Isak was right, those were eyes you wanted to get lost in for days.

Isak was rudely awoken from his reverie of Even’s eyes by someone obnoxiously scrapping their throat. He slowly turned his head to the owner of the noise and saw Eric.

Eric, who had broken his heart so badly he hadn’t left his bed for a week. Here to remind Isak not to dream that a boy like Even could ever love him. Isak was too broken, too fucked up to be loved like a literal ray of sunshine like Even.

“Isak, how have you been?” Eric asked him, smile plastered on his face, “Cosying up to someone else, I see.”

Isak tensed up, and inched away from Even instinctively. Even, who looked from Isak to Eric, with a confused look upon his face. Until he caught Mahdi and Magnus’s twin looks of disgust directed at Eric, and understanding crossed his face.

Eric, either didn’t notice the daggers the boys shot his way, or ignored them valiantly. “I was thinking, Isak, since you came her alone…” Hold up, a part of Isak’s brain said, had he been here all evening? And if so, had he been watching him all evening? “Maybe we could go home together, for old time sake?”

Isak’s thoughts screeched to a halt. He tensed up completely, bile rising in his throat. The worst part, the absolute worst part was, that part of him wanted to say, yes, sure, let’s do it. It’s not like there was anything better, maybe Isak deserved to be used and abused by someone like Eric.

“You know, I don’t think…” Mahdi began to say, hatred laced in his voice, before Even interrupted him with “I’m afraid you’re wrong, Isak came here with me.”

Wait? What?

“And who might you be?” Eric said, the fake smile on his face growing with disdain.

“I’m his boyfriend.”

WHAT?

Even’s hand slipped over Isak’s shoulders, drawing him snug against him. Isak gaped at him, before composing himself to look at Eric.

“Is that so?”

“I… uh… yeah, Even’s my boyfriend.” Isak said, ignoring Magnus’s blinding smile behind Eric’s back.

Eric scoffed and straightened his back. “Good luck with him, he’s a cold-hearted bitch.” He directed this at Even, before turning around and walking off.

For a moment, nothing happened and then everything seemed to happen at once. Isak’s eyes filled with tears, his lip quivered and he felt sick. Eric’s word repeated themselves in his head. Over and over and over.

“Isak? Are you okay?” Even’s voice was laced with concern, his hand slowly stroking up and down Isak’s arm.

He had to get away, before he would make a scene in the middle of a house party. Isak hurried away. Out of Even’s arms, out of the room, out of the party. He heard his friends and Even shout after him, but he pushed on until he was outside, around the corner, before he crumbled on the sidewalk, a sob wretching out of him. Thick tears streaming down his face.

Cold

Cold

Cold

And then suddenly a warm hand on his shoulder.

“Let me walk you home”

Isak looked up into Even’s eyes. He looked… sad, like he cared about what happened to Isak. Like, Isak wasn’t a pick up at a party.

“He’s right, you know, I’m not fit to love.” Isak said, tears staining his voice.

Even’s face crumpled, “Do not let anyone tell you, you are not fit to love. You are more than what he thinks of you.”

Isak allowed Even to pull him up to his feet, “Let me walk you home.” Even repeated and softly tugged on Isak’s hand. “Which way?”

“Why do you care?” Isak said around a sob.

Even wiped some of Isak’s tears away with his thumb. “I care about you, Isak, I just do.”

Isak deflated, heartache threatening to take over his body, “You shouldn’t, I’m not worth you care.”

Even shook his head violently, “Stop saying that, baby, you’re worth the world.”

Isak didn’t know what to say to this, so he stopped fighting Even, he had no strength left. He guided Even to his house.

Even, who did not let go of his hand, his thumb slowly drawing circles on Isak’s hand, grounding him.

“This is me” said Isak, in a bad parody of a rom com.  

Even just nodded, seemed to hesitate for a second, before drawing Isak into a hug. He placed a small kiss in Isak’s hair and let go, stepped back.

“What was that for?”

Even smiled, he looked almost shy, “It’s what boyfriends do, right? Walk you home, kiss you goodnight.”

Isak opened and closed his mouth. Scrunched his face up.

“Goodnight, Isak” Even said, walking backwards away from Isak, “I’ll see you soon.”

And then he was gone around the corner, leaving Isak star struck and emotionally whiplashed on the sidewalk.

After a moment, Isak collected himself again, and walked inside.

What was this night?

Chapter Text

Isak had slept… well, he hadn’t, really.

He kept replaying the events of the night over and over in his head. The momentary giddiness of having Even’s attention. Eric’s appearance. Eric’s smile. Eric’s sneer. Eric’s words. And then Even again. Even saving him. Even bringing him home. Even’s hand in his. Even’s arms around him, his lips in his hair.

Even Even Even

It was a mantra in Isak’s head, slowly driving him insane.

When his alarm went off at 10, he hadn’t slept a wink. He felt on edge, like his skin was too small for his body. He was tired, but at the same time felt like he could run a marathon, swim across the Atlantic, write a whole essay on the multiverse theory.

Isak rushed through his movements while getting ready for work, not able to slow down or take his time. There was a voice in his head hurrying him alone, go, go, go, faster! You got to go faster!

The sound of his phone startled him so much he almost dropped his coffee cup.

He fumbled trying to unlock his phone to read the message Jonas had sent him, asking if he was okay and that he was sorry that he wasn’t there when Eric came over.

Isak sends a quick, “all good” back.

No more than ten seconds later his phone rings, Jonas’s name lighting up the display.

“How are you feeling? Have you slept? Did you get home safely?” Jonas asks, in lieu of an actual greeting.

“Didn’t I just tell you it’s all good?” Isak answers around a bite of toast he’s hastily cramming in his mouth.

“Yeah, but you forget, I know you, Iss, you only send that when you are, in fact, not okay.” Isak rolls his eyes and huffs.

“I’m fine, Jonas!”

“How many things are you doing at the same time, right now?” Jonas asks, and Isak stills.

His phone is held between his ear and his shoulder, in one hand he has both a cup of coffee and a slice of toast, his other hand is stuffing his things in his backpack. He looks at the clock on his microwave. He has half an hour left before he has to leave for work.

Isak deflates, sighs. “Shit”

“You want me to come over? Or I could bring you some lunch over later?”

Isak is suddenly so immensely grateful for a friend like Jonas in his life. I do not deserve him

“Lunch… Lunch would be good, yeah.”

Jonas hums, “See you then, Isak. Breathe, ok? Just breathe!”

They hang up, Isak slumps in the kitchen chair, the voice in his head suddenly silent.

Isak had always been anxious. Growing up like he did, in a broken home, with a mentally ill mother, being closeted for most of his life… it was no wonder. But now, after Eric. After the damage Eric had done to him…

Eric had taken him, already broken, and built him up, just to tear him down. Broke him even more than he had already been.

Isak remembers the first two months with Eric. And god, maybe it was remembering how amazing those two months were that made remembering everything else so much harder. He remembers the dates, the soft words, the praise… But, with a sour taste in his mouth, he also remembers Eric’s sneer, his nose wrinkled in distaste, his critiquing Isak on everything, his open hatred for Isak’s friends…

Isak swallows the last bit of coffee and closes his eyes for a moment.

Just breathe

He puts his coffee cup in the sink, grabs his keys and leaves the apartment, deciding that he’d rather take a walk before work than sit at his kitchen table, feeling miserable. He counts himself lucky at least Eskild wasn’t home to see him like this, he would’ve never heard the end of it.

Ever since he showed up at Eskild’s doorstep again, his guru had looked at him like he was going to break any minute. - He’s not wrong Isak’s brain helpfully supplies-  Moving back into the Kollektivet had been like a sad revival of one of the worst times in his life of when he was a teenager living in Eskild’s basement. Only this time, he had moved straight into Noora’s old room, which had been his old room, and then Noora’s old room again… This was getting confusing. In any case, Noora had moved out again when he moved in and so he was straight back to where he was a year ago. Just… a bit more broken.

Isak walks to the campus bookshop on automatic pilot, only realising he’s arrived when his co-worker greets him from behind the desk.

“Good morning, Isak!” Julian is cheery, like always. Isak sincerely thinks the guy has never had a sad day ever in his life.

“Morning.”

“Eva said she needed help organising the book packets for the science department.”

Isak nodded, went to drop off his backpack and walked up to where Eva was surrounded by stacks of books.

She spotted him walking up to her and immediately dropped what she was holding to envelop him in a hug.

“You look like shit.”

“Gee, thanks, Eva, you’re too kind.”

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine.” Isak rolled his eyes at Eva’s incredulous look. Both she and Jonas knew him too well to lie to, “Okay, I feel awful, I couldn’t sleep and I keep hearing his fucking voice in my head! Is that what you wanted to hear?” he snaps at her. You’re such an asshole. She didn’t mean it in a bad way. Eric was right, you’re cold. Cold. Cold

Eva just looks at him, “I wanted the truth, Isak, I want you to stop pretending like you’re not hurt.”

“Just, stop with the stupid psychoanalysis babble, Eva, we both know it’s bullshit.” Stop, breathe

“Considering I am, in fact, taking multiple psychology classes, you would know I do not think it is bullshit.” Her voice remained soft, understanding. You don’t deserve her friendship, not after everything you’ve done. “If you don’t want to talk, just tell me, don’t snap, ok?”

Isak breathes in deeply and nods, “I’m just so tired, Eva, I don’t want to even think about him anymore.”

Eva takes his hand in his and squeezes, a gesture that reminds him of Even last night. He pushes that thought down too and sets to work next to Eva.

“So, how’s Noora?” Isak asks, hoping to get rid of the tension between them.

It works, of course it does. Eva’s face clears up with the mention of her girlfriend and she launches in an animated story about Noora.

The morning passes fairly quickly after that and before Isak knows it, Jonas shows up at the bookshop, food in hand.

“It’s a nice day out, I thought we could eat this outside?” Jonas asks. As Eva waves them off, Isak follows him outside and they sit on a bench, face to the early winter-sun.

“It’s cold. Why are we outside in January? What is wrong with you? Hell, what is wrong with me? Why did I follow you?”

Jonas laughs and shrugs while he hands Isak his container of Chinese, “I read somewhere that the sun is good when… you know, when you’re struggling. Vitamin D is good for the soul”

Isak looks at his best friend fondly and smiles. I do not deserve you

They eat their lunch in easy silence, Jonas sensing that Isak doesn’t want to talk.

“Fancy meeting you here” a deep voice suddenly sounds, startling Isak into almost dropping his food. He looks up into Even’s startling blue eyes. Even is smiling widely at Isak, and Isak feels his heart skip a beat. He is so beautiful. Isak is surprised at this thought, not that he thinks Even is beautiful, a blind man would see Even is beautiful. But that the voice in his head sounded so unlike the previous one. Isak’s inner voice, the one plaguing him all morning, sounds suspiciously like Eric. This time, however the voice sounded nothing like that… Even’s presence had quieted the vicious voice inside Isak’s head.

And so Isak looked up to Even in wonder. He drank in Even’s smile, that had turned from blinding into fond. He bathed in Even’s soft attention. His insides turned inside out and upside down. Even’s eyes on him felt healing, made him feel warmer than the watery January sun could. It warmed him up from inside out.

After what felt like an eternity, or maybe just a moment, someone next to Even scraped their throat, signalling their presence.

Even’s eyes leave Isak’s face for just a second, to look the person standing next to him. “Oh, yeah, Isak, this is Mikael.”

“So this is Isak, figured as much.” Mikael says, around the smile on their lips, “It’s nice to finally meet you.”

Finally? He and Even had just met yesterday

“I… uh… yeah, same.” Isak stammers.

Jonas next to him snorts and reaches for Mikael’s hand, “Jonas”

Mikael takes Jonas’s hand, and their smile turns soft, “Nice to meet you, Jonas.” They shake hands, a bit too long, a bit too firm. Huh

“So,” Even draws Isak’s attention away from whatever that was, “eating outside, in January?”

Isak snorts and looks pointedly at Jonas, “Told you it was crazy!”

“Good for his health.” Jonas says around a bite of chicken, eyes never leaving Mikael.

Even nods seriously, “I can get behind that.” After a moment, Even sits down next to Isak, “How are you feeling?”

Isak blinks slowly, “I’m fine” he says for the third time that day, feeling like it’s less a lie than before.

Even doesn’t answer immediately, just regards him, drinking in his appearance. After a moment, or maybe eternity, Even places a thumb on Isak’s dark circles under his eyes and strokes them softly, “Get some sleep tonight.”

Isak opens and closes his mouth, lost for words, as Even stands up winks -attempts to wink, more like- and walks off with Mikael in tow.

“Uhm” Isak and Jonas say at the same time, both looking at the backs of the people walking away from them.

What just happened?

Chapter Text

Isak goes the next few days without seeing Even, and -no matter what Jonas and Eva say- he does not pout!

He goes to class, goes to work, comes home to an overprotective Eskild, hangs out with Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus and does not see Even.

“Why don’t you just call him? Or text him?” Magnus asks on Friday, exactly one week after meeting Even. They are having a pre-party at Jonas and Mahdi’s place and Isak had only agreed to come after Jonas hinted that maybe Even would be at the party. Not that he would admit that to the boys.

“I, uh… I don’t have his number.” Isak said, running his hand through his hair.

Mahdi looked at him, raised his eyebrows, “Why?”

“What do you mean, why?”

“Why don’t you have his number?”

Isak frowned at him, crossing his arms, “Do you have the number of everyone at this school?”

“No, but I do have the number of people I’m interested in.”

Isak’s frown deepened, “Who says I’m interested in him?”

The boys groan simultaneously.

“You’re so full of shit, Is.” Jonas says

“You’ve been talking about him non-stop for a week.”

“Yeah, I had to hear you describe his eyes to me on two different occasions.” Mahdi and Magnus chime in, incredulous looks on their faces.

Isak hadn’t realized he had been this obvious. He knew he had a crush. He was not totally oblivious to his own feelings, thank you very much. It’s just… If his friends knew how hard he was crushing on Even, they would try and make something happen. And Isak knew nothing could happen between them. Even was way too good for him, lightyears out of his league. Isak did not understand the kindness he had received from Even, but surely Even would soon realise Isak was not worth his time.

Jonas watches Isak squirm in his seat, linking and unlinking his fingers, biting his lip.

“What’s wrong?” Jonas asks Isak, catching his eye.

“Nothing! What is this, gang up on Isak hour?”

“Is… What’s wrong?” Jonas asks again, more insistent this time.

Magnus and Mahdi have grown silent, watching Isak.

“We just want to help, Isak.” Magnus says, uncharacteristically soft.

They pity you. They think you’re weak. They think you’re broken. Don’t tell them, they won’t love you if you tell them

“Isak, you know we love you, right? Whatever it is.” Jonas says, as if he reads minds. Truth is, he might not be able to read minds, but he reads Isak like a book. Always has.

Isak struggles with himself as he watches Jonas. His best friend has always been there for him. He was there when stuff with his mother became unbearable, he was there when he ran away from home, he was there when he came out… He was there on Christmas day when Isak sat shell-shocked on the doorstep of what had been his home until Eric kicked him out. He was there when Isak broke into the apartment when Eric was at work to get his stuff back. He was there when Isak broke down in the middle of the apartment as he realized Eric had burned all of their pictures.

So, maybe, he would not leave when Isak told him how he felt now?

Isak scraped his throat, his eyes fixed on the table top, “It’s just… Even is really beautiful, you know?” he looked up, quickly, to see their reactions. The boys just nodded, waiting. “He’s gorgeous and… and nice… and it’s just… I am… not?” This was not even a fraction of what Isak felt, but it was all he felt capable of saying right now.

It was quiet for a beat. See? They think you are pathetic. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

And then Magnus made a sound of disbelief, “What?”

Isak’s eyes snapped up to Magnus’s face, mouth wide open, hands up in the air.

Mahdi shushed Magnus and looked at Isak, “Not to invalidate your feelings,” jesus, Eva’s psychology babble was seeping into his other friends as well, “but, Isak, if this is about not feeling good enough for him, there’s really no reason why that would be true.”

Magnus and Jonas nodded.

“You’re a grumpy little shit, but anyone would be lucky to date you.” Jonas said.

And… What was happening? Isak was used to the boys being supportive, but this… “Why are you guys so nice to me?” Isak asked, eyes narrowing.

He was met with silence and guilty faces refusing to look him in the eyes.

Pity, it’s just pity

“We feel guilty.” Magnus said eventually, “We should’ve seen what Eric was doing to you.”

“We’re your friends, we should’ve paid more attention.” Jonas added.

Isak shrunk in his seat, pain flared through his body. You made them feel this way, this is your fault “It’s not your fault.” He said

“We know, it’s Eric’s fault! But still, we should’ve seen how bad it was.” Jonas’s voice was quiet, like he was scared of startling Isak.

Weak, weak Isak

“I… uh… it’s okay. I’m okay now.” Isak says, refusing to lift his eyes up from the table.

He sees the boys nod in his periphery. They don’t really buy it, but they are kind enough not to keep pushing, instead changing the subject.

Jonas pushes another beer to Isak. When their eyes meet, Jonas smiles and Isak manages to smile back.

*

Two hours later, Isak finds himself in the kitchen of the girl Mahdi is currently seeing. The party is in full swing around him and Isak lost his friends somewhere between beer four and five.

He’s feeling pleasantly buzzed. Or drunk… pleasantly drunk he thinks when someone bumps into him and makes him stumble into the fridge. He giggles as he catches himself from falling.

The girl standing next to him laughs and holds her hand out for a high five. Isak happily complies. They smile dopily at each other, simple drunken comradery between them.

“Pathetic.”

The words cut through Isak like a knife, making him whirl around to the origin of the sound.

“Are you this drunk you’re hitting on girls? You’re a sad piece of work, Isak.” Eric’s sneer is even more vicious when drunk.

Isak remembers, when they were living together, how Eric would crowd him against the door when they came back from parties. How he would tell Isak just how hard he had fucked up their night. He had laughed too loud, drank too much, looked at someone too long. And Isak would nod and nod and nod. He would think I deserve this. He does this because he loves me. Without him I’m nothing.

Now, surrounded by strangers at the party, Eric’s words cut through him even more. Everyone will know what a failure I am

“Your boyfriend already got sick of you? He realised what a fuck up you are?”

Isak knows better than to talk back, so he keeps his eyes down, swallows down the bile and fear. Tries not to cry. He feels the panic coming. He knows that, if he doesn’t get away soon, he will break, right in front of all these people. Please let Jonas come look for me. Or Magnus. Or Mahdi. Or… Even

“Get the fuck away from my boyfriend.” Like magic, Even appears next to Isak. His face a mask of anger, his hands balled into fists at his side. He pulls Isak into him by the waist, and Isak releases the breath he didn’t realise he was holding as he melts into Even’s side.

Eric opens his mouth to reply, but his eyes wander over Even’s shoulder, to somewhere Isak can’t see, and he shuts it again. He huffs, looks murderously at Isak again, and stalks off.

Isak takes a shaky breath and starts to move away from Even’s side. Even, however, just pulls him in closer. His hand starts to draw soothing circles onto Isak’s back.

“What the fuck was his problem?” someone asks, and Isak turns his head to see a group of people standing behind Even. He recognizes Mikael but has never seen any of the others.

“Isak, are you okay? I just saw Eric leaving the party, shit, had I known he was coming, we would have never come here!” Jonas stumbles into the kitchen, Mahdi and Magnus following closely behind.

“I’m okay.” Isak says, his face pressed against Even’s chest.

Jonas, to his credit, doesn’t look even the slightest bit fazed by this. He just nods as he looks from Isak and Even to the others in the kitchen. “Oh… Mikael… hi!” he says, as he spots them.

Mikael smiles shyly, pushing their hair behind their ear. The boy next to them snorts.

Isak watches fascinated, momentarily forgetting Even’s arm around him. He looks up to watch Even’s face, just as Even looks down to watch his. Isak blushes as Even’s deep blue eyes bore into his.

Isak registers, somewhere in the back of his mind, that the others are talking, exchanging names. But all he can do is watch Even. Even’s eyes that have grown immeasurably soft and fond the longer they look at Isak. Even’s other hand has come up to Isak’s cheek and Isak… Isak feels calm. The voice in his head is silent. He does not feel the need to run, or cry, or throw up.

“Are you okay, baby?” Even asks him, his voice barely above a whisper. If they weren’t this close to each other, Isak wouldn’t have heard him.

I am now Isak wants to say. He just nods, holds Even’s eyes.

“Not to interrupt,” Magnus says, interrupting, “but maybe we should get out of here? Not like we’re really in the partying mood, now.”

The others nod.

“We could go to our place for a while.” Jonas says. Isak figures it’s equal parts Jonas not wanting Isak to be alone just yet and Jonas not wanting to say goodbye to Mikael.

Everyone agrees quickly. Mahdi disappears for a moment to say goodbye to his girl and then everyone sets off to their place.

Isak figures Even’s going to have to let go of him now. They can’t walk like this. There’s no reason for Even to touch Isak.

Still, as they start walking, Even reaches out his hand to Isak, asking permission. As Isak hesitantly grabs Even’s hand, Even links their fingers and smiles at Isak again.

His smile could end wars and cure cancer Isak thinks, slightly embarrassed by his own thoughts.

*

Jonas and Mahdi’s place isn’t big. So, everyone is forced to sit more or less plastered to each other’s side.

Mahdi, Magnus and two of Even’s friends, whose names Isak has totally missed, gazing into Even’s eyes, take up one couch. Mikael and Jonas sit on the ground, closer than strictly necessary. Two other friends of Even, one of which looks strangely familiar to Isak, have taken up the two kitchen chairs. Leaving Even and Isak in a seat technically made for only one person.

Even doesn’t seem to mind the closeness, his arm draped around Isak’s shoulders, softly stroking up and down his arm. Isak doesn’t dare touch Even back, but he does melt into his embrace, soaking up whatever affection Even is willing to give.

The conversation around them is soothing, giving Isak a point to focus on that is not Eric’s voice echoing in his head.

Isak turns slightly to look at his best friend. Mikael and Jonas have drifted even closer than they started, Mikael’s had on Jonas shoulder, Jonas’s fingers in their hair.

Isak’s smile is fond as he watches Jonas. He deserves this Isak thinks.

Even nudges his shoulder, making him turn back to him. “They’re cute” Even whispers into his ear.

Isak laughs softly and nods.

“Not as cute as us, though.” Even adds, looking Isak in the eyes.

Isak blushes and looks away from Even’s too intense stare. He doesn’t know what Even sees in him. This angel, leaning in to him, whispering in his air, what does he want with someone like Isak? Isak doesn’t want to let himself fall, because sooner or later, Even will realise what a fuck up Isak is, and he will leave him. Someone as perfect as Even deserves better than whatever Isak can give him. Even deserves the world.

“Stop thinking this hard.” Isak startles as Even whispers in his air, drawing him even closer. “Whatever you’re thinking… let it go.” Even’s free hand pulls Isak’s face up to look into his eyes, “I’m here.”

And maybe, that’s enough… for now. Sure, Even will leave him. But maybe, Isak just needs to grab whatever he can. Enjoy whatever this is.

So he nods and lets his head fall onto Even’s shoulder. Even’s hand strokes up into Isak’s hair and Isak’s eyes close.

Before he realises what is happening, Isak is sound asleep, surrounded by Even.

Chapter Text

Waking up in Even’s arms had been - exhilarating, lovely, amazing, warm, soft, nice - weird…

Isak had woken up to Mutta, Elias and Yousef curled around each other on the couch. Magnus on the floor. Mahdi and Jonas probably in their respective rooms. Mikael… well… Isak didn’t want to assume.

And Even, still hanging on to him. His long arms around Isak, his face in the crook of Isak’s neck.

Isak had slowly untangled himself from Even. Miraculously, he succeeded in getting up without waking Even. Isak had meant to walk out of the apartment immediately, going home.

Instead, he had stood there, looking at Even. Even’s angelic face, totally relaxed in sleep. His mouth slightly opened, his eyes fluttering behind closed eyelids. He was the most beautiful boy Isak had ever seen in his entire life. Isak couldn’t get enough of him, of staring at him. He could feel himself falling, and that was the scariest thing he had ever felt. So, when Even moved like he was waking up, Isak turned around and fled the apartment.

The Kollektivet was blissfully empty of Eskild again. Isak figured Eskild wouldn’t be home until late afternoon, after sleeping off his hangover at his current boyfriend’s house.

This gave Isak time to shower in peace and try to eat some toast. Maybe take a nap.

He was halfway through a piece of toast, his hair still wet from the shower, when the doorbell rang. Isak cursed when he realised he had forgotten about Sana coming over to work on their group project. Seriously, we’re at university, why do they still give us group projects?

Sana raises both eyebrows judgementally when she walks into the kitchen. “You forgot?”

Isak figures there’s no point in lying to Sana, they’ve known each other for too long to not notice when the other is lying. “Yeah, sorry… I’ve had a weird night.” Isak tells her, while he clears the table so Sana can put her laptop down.

Sana nods, “So I’ve heard.”

Isak’s head snaps up to look at her. How could she have heard? Would Jonas have contacted her? Isak didn’t know his friends and Sana talked, so that seemed unlikely.

“I saw my brother come in before I came here.” Sana says, as if that should clear everything up for Isak. When Isak narrowed his eyes in confusion, Sana clarified further, “My brother, Elias? Even’s friend?”

Isak immediately blushes. He knew he recognized the guy yesterday, he was just so caught up in the viciousness of Eric and, well, Even, that he didn’t put two and two together. “Oh, yeah, of course.” He drags a hand through his wet curls and nervously wets his lips, “What, uhm, what did he say?”

Sana studies Isak for a moment before she answers, “He said you ran into your ex yesterday and that you were pretty out of it for the rest of the night.” Her eyes soften as she looks at Isak.

Isak knows this look of her, he has been on the receiving end of it more and more lately. Sana never asked Isak whether he’s okay. Instead, she puts the look in her eyes, giving Isak an easy out. It’s what makes their friendship work this well. They understand each other, without needing words. Hell, sometimes Isak thinks Sana understands him even better than Jonas ever could.

Jonas is his best friend but he has always wanted to fix Isak’s problems. Isak isn’t complaining, Jonas’s help has gotten Isak through most of life’s major crises. It’s just, sometimes Isak needs someone like Sana. Someone that doesn’t treat him like he’s made of glass. Someone to tell him how it is.

Right now, he needs Sana, Isak realises. According to the boys, the whole ‘Even situation’ is easy: date him (or as Magnus so eloquently put it: fuck him). It isn’t easy, though. Whichever way you look at it: Isak is damaged goods. His heart hasn’t healed from Eric, last night proved that again. However much Isak wasn’t to throw himself into Even’s arms and allow Even to build a cocoon around them, he knows that, ultimately, that would never develop into a healthy relationship. Isak needs to be somewhat okay again before he can start something with Even. He deserves more than the broken parts of me

Isak doesn’t know how to put these thoughts into words, and he has been quiet for too long now. Sana is still patiently watching him, sensing that Isak wants to talk, he just doesn’t know how. “So, Even…” is all that comes out, after the drawn out silence.

This makes Sana smile, dimples forming. She is gorgeous when she smiles, even at Isak’s expense. Isak would be more annoyed, but truth is, he loves seeing Sana smile. “So, Even…” Sana parrots.

Isak rolls his eyes at her, the motion more dramatic than strictly necessary. “Did you brother mention anything about… you know…”

Sana’s smile widens, “No, but Even did.”

Isak makes an annoyed noise when she stops talking and motions for her to continue. “He said to tell you good morning, and that he missed you when he woke up. He also asked me for your phone number.”

Isak’s heart painfully constricts. Even was thinking of him, Even missed him. Even missed him. Even wanted to talk to him more. Isak wants, wants, wants. But he can’t, not yet. Not when the mere mention of Eric makes him nauseous, and triggers something in him that makes him want to crawl into the tiniest ball and just hide from the world.

Sana watches the different emotions flash over Isak’s face and she sighs, “I told him I couldn’t give him your phone number.” She says, understanding in her eyes. Isak nods, swallows hard and loud in the quiet of the kitchen.

“I’m not… I can’t… Not when…”

Sana puts her hand on his, “I know. He knows too, Isak, he won’t push. He doesn’t expect anything from you.”

Isak looks her in the eyes, surprised at her words, “But he’s so…” physical, loving, tactile…

“Yeah, I mean, he likes you, Isak. He really does. But he’s a good guy and he knows heartbreak. He can wait. He will wait.” Sana’s eyes will him to understand. Why would he wait for someone like me? Sana squeezes his hand, “You’re worth it, Isak, I know you.”

And that… that is possibly the nicest thing anyone has ever said to him. Ever.

Isak could make light of Sana’s comment, make a joke about having her stamp of approval, but he won’t. Sana doesn’t make comments like these lightly. When she says something, she means it.

So Isak just nods, “Thanks, best bud.”

Sana groans at the title, but her eyes remain soft.

*

After their talk, Sana and Isak work for a few hours, until both of them feel too tired to pay attention to what they are doing and Sana leaves. “You should come for dinner, somewhere this week.” She says, as she is putting on her jacket.

Isak looks at her, and hears what she isn’t saying: let me take care of you. So, he smiles, “I would love that.”

*

Even later, Isak is sitting on his bed, watching the first episode of some show Netflix recommended to him. It’s kind of shit, but at least it’s distracting enough he stops thinking for a while.

Isak had heard Eskild coming home, so, the knock on his door is not a surprise. If anything, Isak wonders what took Eskild this long, he’s been so worried about Isak lately that he had hardly had any time alone when both of them are at home.

Eskild doesn’t wait for Isak’s permissive grunt to come in. Instead he opens the door and immediately throws himself down next to Isak on the bed.

“Rough night?” Isak asks, amusement colouring his voice.

“Don’t sass me, baby gay.” Eskild says, face still pressed into the mattress.

Isak laughs and hands Eskild the cup of tea he had made for himself. Eskild looks like he could use it more than him, to be honest.

“Did you make this?” Eskild looks apprehensively at the cup, “You don’t drink tea.”

Isak shrugs, doesn’t say Eric hated the smell of coffee so Isak started drinking tea. He doesn’t say that sometimes he’s in the middle of making tea before he remembers he doesn’t live with Eric anymore, and that he can drink coffee again, if he wants to.

He doesn’t say any of this, but still feels Eskild understands, as the older man just nods and sips the tea in silence.

“Did you see Even yesterday?” Eskild asks, looking at the cup of tea instead of Isak.

Isak coughs, “Yeah, he was at the party, too.”

Eskild regards Isak silently. Suddenly, like with Sana this morning, Isak is fiercely thankful for Eskild. He doesn’t really care for admitting this out loud, but Eskild is one of the best things to have happened to Isak. He was there for Isak, and took him in, twice, no questions asked.

Isak wishes he could show Eskild how much he appreciates him. He wishes he could put his head on Eskild’s shoulder and enjoy the other man’s company. He wishes he had the words to tell Eskild how much his support means to him.

Instead, Isak looks at his laptop screen without taking in what he is seeing.

Eskild sighs, “Don’t hurt yourself thinking so much, godchild of mine.”

Isak looks at Eskild, scowls, “What?”

Eskild rolls his eyes dramatically, “I’m just saying… I’m here. Your guru is here if you want to talk.” Eskild succeeds in sounding sincere and overly dramatic at the same time.

I can’t, I physically can’t because I never learned how to when I was a child and then when I finally started opening up, someone came and took advantage of me and now I’m afraid “Thanks.”

Eskild gets up from the bed, looks around Isak’s room and turns up his nose, “Clean up your room, before you invite this new boy in.”

Isak rolls his eyes at him and Eskild turns to leave the room. “You deserve love, Isak.” He says, back turned to Isak, right before closing the door behind him.

Isak is left staring at the closed door, tears filling his eyes and clouding his vision.

Maybe one day he’ll believe Sana and Eskild. Right now, he just curls into himself, the sounds of the show as white noise in the background. Tears wetting his pillow.

Chapter Text

The next few weeks pass in a blur. Isak drags himself to class and straight back home. He passes his friends, Even’s friends and Even himself in the hallways and on the streets but doesn’t answer their ‘hello’s.

Isak’s friends catch on quickly. They stop trying to get him to talk. Instead, Sana walks him to class in silence and sits next to him, death stares pointed at anyone trying to engage Isak in conversation. Noora and Eva bring him food. Vilde sends him spotify playlists (they are melodramatic and overly poppy, but Isak appreciates the sentiment). Chris drops of ice cream. Magnus cleans his room when Isak is in class (which Eskild appreciates more than Isak himself but…). Mahdi brings Isak weed, smokes with him in total silence, Vilde’s playlist in the background. Jonas spends some nights with him, a silent comfort on his side.

Isak is… Isak is damn lucky, is what he is.

After a while, Isak can’t remember the last time he spoke out loud. It should worry him, but truth be told, this isn’t the first time something like this has happened.

The last time, right after Eric broke up with him, Isak didn’t speak for two weeks. Hardly slept too. Now, with Jonas by his side some nights, he at least manages to sleep around three hours.

Which is… still not a lot, but you got to take what you can get.

Still, by the time February is over and it’s the beginning of March and Isak still isn’t showing improvement, his friends are properly worried. Isak realises how worried they are when Noora enters his room and closes the door behind her.

It’s not that Noora and Isak don’t talk. It’s just that… okay, no, Isak and Noora never talk. There’s no active dislike between them, Isak and Noora like each other well enough, they just never bonded, or whatever. If Isak were to be asked to describe Noora, he would probably say she’s the girlfriend of his friend.

He knows, through Eva, that Noora has known about him being gay for a while. And he appreciates her never saying anything while they were still in high school. He also appreciates her never making a fuss over the fact that she didn’t have a room when she came back from London. And when Isak moved back in, she immediately decided to move in with Eva. Isak isn’t sure how much of that decision was due to him moving back and how much of it was just lucky timing, but still… Noora has been good to him, for afar.

Now though, Isak looks at her as she crosses his room to open the window. She smiles softly at him as she sits down at the edge of his bed. Noora seems to feel as out of place as Isak feels.

“So…” she begins, looking down at her hands, “I’ve, uhm, offered to talk to you.” Noora looks at him, waiting to see if he’s going to offer a comment. When he stays silent, Noora looks down at her hands again, “You see, Isak,” she scrapes he throat, closes and opens her eyes as if she’s trying to find words that keep slipping from between her fingers, “we have some things in common, you see?” She sighs, “Eric,” Isak flinches at his name, if Noora notices, she doesn’t comment, “and William… while not exactly the same. I can’t say I know what happened to you, but I feel like there are some similarities there, no?”

Noora looks him in the eyes for the first time. Her eyes are shining with unshed tears.  

Thing is, Isak doesn’t know too much about the whole Williams situation. When it all happened, he was too far up his own ass and too riddles with teen angst to really have the attention span for anything that wasn’t his own problems. Or Jonas… He just knows Williams was a manipulative jerk and that he had hurt Noora really badly. He knows this because Eva had once drunkenly cried on his shoulder about her.  

“Anyway, Isak, I’m not here to talk about them. I’d rather not talk about him too much, and I’m betting you don’t either” Noora looks at him, pushing her hair behind her ear, “I’m here to talk about us. I’m here to tell you it gets better. And that sounds like bullshit” Isak startles at the curse leaving Noora’s mouth, for some reason he wouldn’t have pegged her for the type to curse. But maybe her girlfriend was rubbing off on her, “it’s not though, it’s not bullshit.” She adds, softer, “You’re allowed to feel pain, but you’re also allowed to heal.”

Noora stands up, looks down at Isak, “What happened, was not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. And you need to stop punishing yourself for what he did to you.” The words should sound chastising, harsh, but instead, Noora says them like she is convincing herself. Like, if she tells Isak, she might believe them herself. She holds her hand out to Isak, who grabs it without realising what he’s doing, “And now, you’re going to eat soup in the kitchen and watch a movie with Linn, Eskild and me. Like in the good old times.” She smiles around that last sentence.

Isak lets Noora pull him out of bed and into the kitchen.

As Isak spoons the soup into his mouth, he replays his conversation with Noora in his mind. And maybe she’s right, maybe it will get better.

*

 Word spreads fast that Isak is leaving his room again. After a week, everyone has come to visit him at least once and Isak’s voice, at first scratchy from disuse, is starting to come back.

When he plops down in his seat next to Sana on Monday, he has the energy to smile at her. She immediately smiles back.

“Mamma has been asking when you’re coming for dinner. Free tonight?”

“Yeah, sure, isn’t that super short notice, though.” Isak frowns at her, the last thing he wants to do is inconvenience mamma Bakkoush.

Sana shakes her head, “There’s always room for one more.” She says, looking at Isak with such intensity that he cannot possibly say no to her.

Which is why he finds himself on the doorstep of the Bakkoush’s apartment at 6 sharp, ringing the doorbell.

He bounces on his heels as he waits for the door to open. For some reason, he feels nervous. Isak has seen Sana’s parents before. In fact, once he had an entire conversation with Sana’s dad about Norwegian healthcare and the pros and cons of the current doctor’s training. It had lasted so long that Sana had to pull him away to be able to get anything done for their project.

So, it’s not that he’s nervous to see Sana’s parents, he likes them enough. Maybe he’s nervous to see Elias. He had never really paid much attention to Sana’s brother before. He was always in and out the room, busy with his friends and Sana never properly introduced them. Elias had always seemed nice, though, in the fleeting moments Isak had seen him. Big, easy smile, the love for his sister clear, even in the fleeting moments Isak had seen them together.

Isak is not nervous to see Elias so much as that he’s nervous to see Even’s friend. He had been ignoring Even for an entire month. To be fair, he had been ignoring everyone for an entire month, but still… he felt like he owed Even, and by extension Even’s friends, an explanation.

It’s good he’s seeing Elias alone then, tonight, Isak figures. This way he’ll get to explain to Elias one on one. Sana by his side, for moral support. Isak could figure it out from there.

Except, when the door opens, it’s no Bakkoush smiling down at him. Instead, it is Even, shouting something over his shoulder before he turns to Isak.

Even’s smile dims slightly when he sees Isak before it comes back. It’s hesitant however, not as radiant as the smiles Isak has grown used to.

Like, don’t get Isak wrong, Even could still blind people with his smile. It’s still the most beautiful sight Isak has ever laid eyes upon. It’s just… less… he guesses?

“Isak” Even says, his blue eyes boring into Isak’s, “How, uhm, how have you been?”

Isak just looks at him, almost star struck by the softness in Even’s voice. And he knows, he knows, he should calm down and collect himself. Heal himself before he can even think about dating Even. But gosh, all those rational thoughts fly out the window as he looks at Even.

There’s a hunger in Isak’s stomach. It’s not lust, although, sure yes, that is part of it, but it’s a hunger mostly for Even’s love. Isak has felt this love before. His protectiveness around Eric, his gentleman touches, his long arms around him... Isak has gotten a taste of what it would be like to be loved by Even and now he feels starved.

He wants to climb Even like a tree and reside in his arms for the rest of his life. He wants to take Even by the hand and crawl into bed with him and sleep for weeks, Even’s warm breath on his neck, his arms enveloping him. Isak feels like Even could make him forget the world. He feels like Even could make him forget to hate himself.

But that... As much as Isak wants that... He knows it wouldn’t be fair to Even.

Isak realises with a start that he has been staring at Even without talking for too long as Even raises his eyebrows in question. “Fine, yeah. I’m fine.” He blurts out, blushing.

Even frowns as he looks at Isak. His hand twitches as if he wants to reach out and touch the bags under Isak’s eyes again. Instead he stuffs them in his pockets and moves aside to let Isak in.

Isak studies Even’s face as he walks in the door. Even looks sad, his smile doesn’t truly reach his eyes and his back stands rigid. Isak knows he should talk to Even, he should explain.

He was ready to talk to Elias, but now, standing in front of Even, all his bravery flies out the window and he feels stupid worthless dumb. Why would Even even want to talk to him? Maybe he finally realised Isak is not worth the trouble. The butterflies in his stomach turn into wasps, stinging him and making his skin feel too small for his frame. He immediately wants to turn around and flee the Bakkoush house. Hide in his bed for another month. Who needs mental health, right?

“Can we talk?” Even asks him, reaching out for Isak’s hand and quieting the voice in his head. Isak looks down at their clasped hands and back up at Even’s eyes. Even follows Isak’s eyes to their joined hands and motions to pull away. In instinct, Isak holds on tight, not willing to let go just yet.

Even’s eyes grow big in surprise and he squeezes Isak’s hand back.

“Yes, we… we should talk, yeah.” Isak says, eyes trained on the floor by their feet.

Before either of them can say more, Elias comes barrelling in the entryway

“Even, dude, what is taking you so long?” He falls quiet as he sees Isak, and looks contemplative to Isak’s hand in Even’s. “Isak, hi. I didn’t know you were coming.”

The almost uncontrollable desire to flee rises back up in Isak. He can’t read Elias’s tone. Elias doesn’t sound mad or upset Isak is here, but at the same time, there’s no smile on his face.

Even, as if sensing Isak’s discomfort, squeezes his hand again, making Isak turn back to him. “Are you here for Sana?”

Sana, as if waiting around to corner for someone to say her name, chooses that moment to walk in as well. “I invited him over for dinner.” She says, eyes on Elias, daring him to say anything.

The older Bakkoush raises his hands in surrender.

“Come on, Isak, we can stay in my room while we wait for dinner.” Sana motions her head towards her room.

Isak glances at Even, “I’ll see you at dinner, I guess.” Even says softly. This time he does reach out, strokes the thumb of his free hand over Isak’s cheekbones.

Isak can only nod before following Sana towards her room.

She closes the door behind them with a sigh, “I wouldn’t have invited you if I knew they were coming. It’s just, Elias never tells anyone when he invites over his stupid friends. They’re here all the time for their dumb YouTube channel.”

Isak scrapes his throat and watches Sana pace the room, “I have a feeling this is about more than my feelings?”

Sana turns towards him so fast Isak is astonished she doesn’t fall over, “Are you implying I’m a bad friend?”

“I would never, Sanasol.” Isak manages to smile at her as he pats the bed to make her sit down next to him. “It’s just… You’re very on edge.”

“Yeah, well… it’s just… They’re always here, you know?”

“Are you sure this isn’t about some boy?” Isak says and the smile on his face becomes sincerer as Sana makes a weird aborted noise and glares at him.

“I’m not answering that.”

Isak laughs and bumps Sana’s shoulder with his.

“Anyway, we were talking about you here! How are you feeling, after seeing him?”

Isak thinks about that question, turns it around in his head. He feels… He feels okay, actually. Even gives him peace, has been giving him peace from the very first moment they met. Isak is not sure of a lot of things when it comes to Even, but he knows that being in the actual presence of the other boy has always given him peace. Even manages to quiet the voice in his head. It’s not like Isak is magically healed of his depression after seeing Even, but… Even feels like a candle in a dark room. He is light and warmth and beauty, but if Isak steps too close, he could get burned.

“I’m falling for him.” Isak says, his voice a mixture of sadness and excitement. “I just met him, and everything is wrong. I am wrong. But gosh, Sana, I’m falling for him.”

Sana nods, holds Isak’s hand in silence. She doesn’t try to tell Isak there’s nothing wrong with him, knowing that he is not capable of believing her right now. So, she just offers her silent support.

After a while they start talking again, Sana filling Isak in on the things he missed while he was at his lowest. They laugh and Isak feels the best he has felt in weeks.

*

Dinner with the Bakkoush family and all of Even and Elias’s friends is loud. But also, warm and nice.

Elias’s smile is back when Isak and Sana enter the room and Isak figures that must have had something to do with either Even or Sana (or both) sticking up for him.

Sana and Even flank Isak at the table. Even’s leg pressed against Isak’s. Isak feels like bursting. The want he felt before is back and consumes his thoughts.

He has never wanted anyone so much. It scares him. But also, it’s a strange kind of comfort for Isak who felt so utterly ruined after Eric that he never thought he was capable of love again. So, he lets himself want. He takes what Even gives: the fleeting touches, the private smiles, their thighs pressing together. He doesn’t reciprocate, but he doesn’t pull back. Even doesn’t seem to mind. He remains soft, so, so soft.

Isak feels almost high on the love going around the table. And while he isn’t yet able to share their easy laughter and quick banter, he enjoys the energy flowing in the room.

“Isak,” Mikael calls his attention, using the animated discussion between Adam, Yousef, Elias and Mutta as a diversion to talk to Isak in semi-private, “how, uhm… how is Jonas?” they ask, slight blush on their cheeks.

Isak smiles at the question, “I think he’s good, yeah.”

Mikael looks up at Isak, confusion in their eyes, “Have you not seen them? Jonas said he didn’t have time to meet because he was helping you with something?”

The guilt instantly coils low in Isak’s stomach. Of course Jonas would put on hold whatever was happening between him and Mikael in order to take care of Isak.

“I have seen him, it’s just… I haven’t been… well, I guess.”

Mikael nods, “He’s a good friend.”

“The best, yeah.”

“Tell him… Tell him I said hi, okay?”

Isak nods, resolving to call Jonas as soon as possible.

When Mikael turns back to the conversation the boys are having, Even softly touches Isak’s cheek to draw his attention.

“How are you?” he asks, in a repetition of his question by the door earlier that evening. Only, this time, Isak wants to tell him the truth.

So, he shrugs, “Not too good, I suppose. Better, though.”

Even turns his head slightly sideways, trying to read what Isak isn’t saying. Then he just hums and links his fingers in between Isak’s, seemingly content with what he saw in Isak’s eyes.

They sit like that the rest of the evening, hands linked under the table. Even engaged in conversation with his friends, Sana and the Bakkoush parents, but always slightly turned towards Isak. Rubbing the back side of Isak’s hand, grounding him.

After dinner, Isak is tired, a bone deep tiredness of having spent so long between people after having isolated himself for a month.

Even offers to walk Isak home. Sana nods encouragingly, so Isak accepts.

The walk is silent, their linked hands between them, Even’s eyes on Isak from time to time.

When they arrive at Isak’s place, Even asks for his phone. He puts his number in and hands it back. “Text me, whenever, about whatever. We don’t need to talk yet. Just…” he bites his lip, “just maybe let me know you’re still there, once in a while?”

Isak nods, grateful for Even’s understanding.

“Good night, baby.” Even says, and then ever so slowly bends forward, giving Isak plenty of time to draw away. He places a soft kiss on Isak’s cheek and strokes the place he just kissed with his thumb.

And then he just walks away, backwards, like the giant nerd Isak is learning he is.

And Isak… Isak is so gone for him.

Chapter Text

10:15

Dear Even

Hi Even

So last week, hu?

I wish we met before

I’m sorry for ignoring you

Still here

Isak had composed multiple texts while sitting in his biology lecture, ignoring Sana’s glares thrown his way, before deciding on sending exactly what Even had asked him: to let him know he was still there.

When he first saw what Even had saved himself as in Isak’s phone, he had frowned, then laughed. He was ridiculous, and gosh, Isak liked it so much. Actually sending a text, however, had proved to be way more difficult than Isak had expected.

Even didn’t expect anything from Isak, and maybe the uncertainty, the not knowing what Isak was supposed to do, was what had Isak doubting himself.

With Eric - and fuck this, Isak should really stop comparing everything in his life to Eric but that’s where his mind goes A LOT of the time, okay – everything had been… well, not clear… Eric was unpredictable and decided Isak was doing something wrong based on like, the stance of the planets or whatever… But still, Isak knew he didn’t knew. If that makes sense.

Now, with Even, Isak… well, Isak knows even less.

So, it’s scary. But also, exhilarating and exciting and kind of nice, Isak guesses?

Isak almost drops his phone when he gets a message back from Even

10:17

<3

Good

If you’re on campus today, and want to eat lunch together, I’ll be at Kafe Blindernkjelleren around 1

Isak read the message twice, double checking the name of the place Even mentioned.

10:19

Why?

Why what?

Why are you at Kafe Blindernkjelleren? That’s nowhere near your building

It’s a good Kafe?

:)

Isak frowns as he stares at his phone.

“Did your phone insult you?” Sana whisper-asks him, startling Isak into looking at her.

“No… No, it’s just… Even is coming for lunch here?”

“And that’s a bad thing, because…?”

Isak rolls his eyes, “I’m just saying, why is he coming here? There are a ton of Kafes near his building and instead he’s coming all the way here.”

Sana levels him with a pointed “Don’t be dumb, Isak.” She turns back to the front of the class and shushes him when he tries to protest.

10:30

No pressure

Need to be at work at 1, though

Oh, no problem :) Next time!

Isak bites his lip. One the one hand, he did just say he needed to heal first, before anything can happen between him and Even. On the other hand,… it’s not like seeing Even means he’s immediately asking for his hand in marriage, right? Though, that idea sounds way too good… Relax Isak, jesus

Thing is, Isak wants to see Even. Really, really wants to see him. There’s still leftover heat pooling in his stomach from a week ago. He hadn’t really seen Even this week. Whether this was because the older boy was trying to give him space or because Even’s university building was, literally, nowhere near Isak’s, Isak wasn’t sure. Considering Isak ran into Even everywhere before, it’s more likely the latter.

Isak had waited to reach out until a week passed, too busy overthinking what to send Even to actually send him anything.

He had, however, asked Sana way too many questions about him. Sana had answered his questions with a slightly put-upon sigh in the beginning (“He’s a media student.” “He’s my brother’s age, two years older, so he’s 22” “Of course he’s single, Isak, do you think I would be chill with him flirting with you otherwise?” “He, my brother and their friends make YouTube videos.” “I’m not sure what they are about, Isak, do I look like I care about those videos?”) By now, however, Sana was fed up with his questions and just rolled her eyes at him, “Just ask him, Isak.”

Isak had stayed up all night on Wednesday watching the YouTube channel Even and his friends ran. It had been awkward when Eskild hadn’t stopped fusing after him the next day when he noticed Isak hadn’t slept all night. In the end Isak had to admit he hadn’t relapsed into insomnia -  though, to be fair, he still slept awful – but rather he had spent all night watching his crush’s stupid YouTube videos like a lovesick teenager. Eskild had cooed and asked a million questions Isak didn’t want to answer and Isak had wondered whether it hadn’t been easier to just let Eskild believe he was suffering from severe insomnia again - it wasn’t, Eskild didn’t deserve to have to worry about Isak without reason -.  

So, yes, Isak wanted to see Even. He wanted to learn more about Even and after depleting all secondary sources, he should just… talk to Even himself, right?

He fiddled with his phone some more, locking and unlocking it before finally sending another message.

10:40

I might want a coffee after this lecture

What time do you get off?

11

I’ll be there

Isak looks up right into Sana’s knowing eyes, “I’m not giving you my notes, eyes up front.” There was a softness in her face, though, letting Isak know she understood. After all, Sana’s own love life wasn’t as easy as her friends wanted to believe.

He truly tried to pay attention for the remaining twenty minutes. However, he couldn’t stop reading and re-reading the short conversation he had had with Even. He couldn’t stop trying to analyse everything: the emoji’s, the quickness of the replies, the stupid eggplant…

Before he knew it, Sana elbowed him roughly in the side, making Isak yelp in pain, “Go get your stupid coffee, lesson is over.”

Isak looked at her, “Did you read my messages?”

“No, Isabel.”

“Then how…”

“My brother texted me.”

“Your… brother… texted you.”

“Yup.” Sana popped the p, before turning around and leaving Isak with what had been the most confusing conversation he had ever had with Sana. Even more confusing than that time he came out to her and she told him she was in love with Yousef without either of them ever saying the words. Seriously, that had been… confusing.

He looked at her receding back for a moment before turning around and stuffing his things in his backpack.

Isak wouldn’t say he was nervous as he walked out of the science department and towards the Kafe. It’s just that his right hand had a slight tremor and his stomach was in knots and he couldn’t stop licking his lips…

And then he saw and angel in front of him. An angel with perfectly swooped hair and long limbs. Dressed in a lot of layers, making him look soft and snuggly.

Even beamed as he watched Isak coming closer. His grin stretched his face, his eyes sparkled.

And Isak needed to get a grip before he spontaneously combusted, dear lord

“Isak! Let’s go in, I’m freezing my balls of, here!”

Isak laughed and then choked on his own spit as Even grasped his hand to drag him into the coffee bar.

Even softly smiled over his shoulder as he heard Isak spluttering, “Do you mind?” he asked, raising their joined hands slightly.

“I… uh… no, I don’t mind.”

The taller boy smiled even wider and squeezed Isak’s hand, making Isak’s hard skip a beat.

After ordering their coffees, the boys found themselves a seat somewhere in the back, hands around the mugs to warm them. Isak couldn’t help but think Even’s hand in his felt way warmer than this coffee ever could.

“How have you been?” Even asked and he seemed genuinely interested. He didn’t just ask to make conversation, he truly wanted to know. His head was slightly tilted and his eyes were solely focused on Isak, ready to hear whatever answer Isak was going to give.

And so Isak tried to be honest. “I’ve been better. But also, like, I’ve been worse?” he laughed silently, “Had a rough month, I guess. I’m here now, though, so… that’s good?” He couldn’t help raising his voice in question, wondering whether Even was truly happy to see him.

Even nodded, “That’s good.” He repeated, eyes never leaving Isak.

Isak knew Even deserved an explanation for what had happened. He wanted Even to know it had nothing to do with him. Or, more accurately, he didn’t do anything wrong per se, it’s just that Isak felt so unworthy that it had all came crashing down.

“I’m sorry for ignoring you an entire month.” He said, mumbling in his coffee cup, eyes strained on the coffee stains colouring the table top

“Isak… Hey, Isak, look at me…” Even waited until Isak had raised his eyes to look at him before continuing, “Don’t apologize, okay? I might’ve come on too strong and you just came out of a… a bad relationship” his voice wavered, unsure how to call what he had seen between Eric and Isak, “and you needed time to process, I get it!”

Isak looked at Even in shock, “What? No! You didn’t come on to strong at all, you were perfect and nice and amazing and, I just… it was me, okay?”

Even’s grin returned in full force, “You think I’m perfect, nice and amazing?”

“Shut up”

“Oh no, I’m never forgetting about this! I’m getting this tattooed on my body! Isak Valtersen thinks I’m perfect, nice and amazing! Right here, on my heart, that’s where the tattoo will be!” Isak blushes furiously as Even gestures to his chest, “I knew people were lying when they told me you were grumpy! You’re actually a softy, aren’t you?”

Isak opens and closes his mouth before deciding on “People? Who have you been talking to?”

This time Even blushes, and Isak thinks it makes him even prettier - like an actual cherub angel! -

“I’ve been asking Sana about you… I think she’s really sick of me by now.” Even laughs.

And Isak… Isak falls halfway in love with the bashful look on Even’s face.

“Yeah, me too.” Isak confesses and Even looks so gleeful that Isak isn’t even embarrassed confessing his big fat crush to Even.

“I think my friends are really happy you texted me, they got sick of me pining after you.”

Isak looks in awe at the seeming ease with which Even confesses this. A thought then pops up in his head.

“Did you text them we were meeting up?”

Even laughs, “Oh no. Did they contact you? That’s truly embarrassing”

Isak laughs too, feeling warm all over, “No, don’t worry. Sana knew though, so I’m guessing Elias told her.”

“Yeah, Mutta and Elias are fighting for who is the biggest shipper.”

Isak crinkles his nose, “They’ll have to fight for that title with Magnus. He already gave us the shipper name Evak.”

Even’s laughter rings through the Kafe, his face lit up in pure glee.

The rest of their… meet up? date? flies by. They talk about everything. Even reveals himself to be a huge movie nerd, promising to show Isak his favourite movies, next time he comes over (and the words next time make the butterflies in Isak’s stomach go mad). They talk about music, sharing Even’s earbuds as he scrolls through Spotify. And when Isak goes on a monologue about how unrealistic ER shows are and sums up all the ways they are ridiculous, Even doesn’t roll his eyes or looks bored once. Instead, he looks at Isak with unflinching adoration, soaking up his words.

One o’clock rolls around too soon and suddenly Isak has to hurry to get to work in time.

Even walks out with him and as they say goodbye, Even bends over and kisses Isak’s cheek, “You’re so hot, Isak” he mumbles, right next to Isak’s ear and then he’s off.

Isak walks around with a smile on his face the rest of the day, even Eva’s teasing and Julian’s knowing looks can’t throw him of his good mood.

And if Isak crawls into bed that night and falls asleep while watching the Hei Briskeby videos again, no one needs to know.

Chapter Text

The following two weeks were amazing. Isak and Even were together all day. Either Isak spend time at the apartment Even shared with Mikael and Mutta, or Even came over to kollektivet.

They were at Even’s place, Isak had come over straight after work when Even had insisted he come watch a movie he just had to see.

“Your taste in movies is shit, Isak, I can’t date you before educating you.”

“Date me?” Isak stared at Even’s profile.

“Yeah, Isak, that’s kind of the purpose of all this courting I’m doing.” Even said, smiling that blinding smile, “Can’t stay your fake boyfriend forever!”

Isak stared a beat too long at Even without speaking. He had forgotten. Forgotten how this all started, Even pretending to be his boyfriend was what got them here. Isak didn’t know how he felt about that, did he believe Even when he said he wanted to be his real boyfriend? Was Isak some sort of charity case, a stray Even had picked up and now didn’t feel comfortable leaving again.

“Isak? Is that not what you want? Don’t worry, I’m not expecting anything okay, we’re taking things slow.”

Even’s eyes had looked so honest, so soft, Isak had wanted to cry. He wanted to crawl in Even’s arms and never leave that safe space again. He bit the inside of his cheek and just nodded at Even, “It’s… no, it’s what I want too.” It’s what I want but can’t have, you’ll see

Even’s smile came back in full force. He is so beautiful, Isak thought again, for the millionth time since meeting Even.

Slow they went, no matter the fact that they were spending every waking moment with each other, they never did more than hold hands or the occasional cheek kiss by Even. When watching movies, Even would pull Isak’s feet in his lap, or they would tangle their legs on the couch. But after the first (and only) time Isak had been in Even’s arms, Even had never initiated it again. There were clear boundaries, one that Isak knew for sure were set up by Even for Isak’s benefit.

Isak still hasn’t told Even what really happened in that month he was out of it. How do you tell someone, especially someone as perfect as Even, that sometimes your brain stops working because your childhood was shit and then some asshole kind of broke you completely? Isak knew he owed Even an explanation, but just this, just being with Even… it felt too good to possibly ruin it already.

If Even knew just how ruined Isak was, he would leave him, of that much Isak was sure. Even would leave him, and leave Isak behind. And maybe that would break him completely, so, maybe Isak should just break this off before Even could. He couldn’t, though, he just wanted this, for as long as he could get it.

So, Isak let his hand be held and his cheek be kissed and he soaked up the warmth that was Even Bech Næsheim, actual sunshine boy.

*

Isak was working at the bookshop, sorting through orders behind the checkout desk when his worst nightmare materialized. The happy tinkling of the bell above the door a stark contrast to the dread that filled Isak when he looked up to greet their costumer.

“Isak. You haven’t changed your working hours, good.”

Isak stared at Erik, frozen in something akin to terror. He had let his guard down, he had enjoyed his time with Even, and now here he was, the living embodiment of Isak’s unworthiness. Here to remind Isak that Even would never love all the pieces of Isak.

Erik snapped his fingers in front of Isak, “Hello? Are you getting dumber by the minute?”

Isak blinked slowly, “I’ll go get Eva to help you.” He pointed weakly to the end of the store, but before he could set off to go get Eva, Eric grabbed his outstretched wrist and held Isak in place.

“I don’t want Eva. I need to talk to you.” Eric brought his face closer to Isak, as if to kiss him and Isak felt like he would black out any moment now. He looked down at his wrist, Eric’s hand was wrapped around it so tightly that his knuckles were white.

“You’re hurting me.” Isak said, tremor in his voice.

“Well, sugar, you’ve hurt me too. Running off with someone else.” Isak dared to look Erik in the face, “What’s worse, you’ve not only left me…”

“You broke up with me.” Isak said weakly.

“You’ve not only left me,” Erik barrelled on, as if he hadn’t heard Isak, “you left me for some psycho.”

Isak frowned, bit his lip, “Don’t talk about Even like that.”

“Oh, sugar, don’t tell me he hasn’t told you yet. He’s crazy, Isak! He’ll ruin you like your mother did.” Isak stared at Erik, pain ripping through his body, like Erik’s words were actual knives. “Poor, poor Isak, can’t even get a normal boyfriend. It’s okay, though, I’ll take you back, even though you’re damaged goods now. I don’t even want to know what kind of fucked up things the two of you did in the bedroom. Dirty, dirty Isak.” He stroked Isak’s cheek in what felt like a badly done parody of Even’s favourite way of touching Isak.

Isak wanted to scream, or throw up, or maybe both. Instead he just stood there as Erik let his fingers wander over Isak’s face, marking him.

 “You know what he did?” Erik’s voice cut through Isak and Isak wanted to yell at him. Beg him not to tell him, he didn’t want to know. He didn’t want his idea of Even ruined. He so desperately wanted to hold on to his Even. Whatever it was, he wanted to hear it from Even himself. Erik didn’t care, of course he didn’t. “He did a bunch of crazy shit, running around the campus naked and trying to break into the art department at night. And then, a week later, he tried to kill himself. Probably couldn’t deal with the knowledge that everyone now knew he is a freak.”

Isak can’t breathe. He can’t seem to fill his lungs with air, as if Erik’s words have filled up the store and pushed out all the air. He feels like he’s dying, the ground crumbling from underneath him and he’s falling into the deepest pit of despair. He will never get over this, he will never be free of this feeling again.

Erik yanks on his wrist, pulling Isak halfway across the counter, “Come home with me, now.”

“What the fuck!” Eva’s voice sounds like the most beautiful sound in the world right now. “Let him go, immediately.”

Erik’s turns to look at her, Isak’s wrist still firmly in his grip, “Don’t interfere, Eva. Go play shrink with someone else and leave us alone. Isak wants to come home with me, isn’t that right, Isak?” He looks at Isak, thinly veiled fury in his eyes and for a split second, Isak fears for his life. He has never been this afraid of Erik before, but the combination of Isak moving on with Even and Eva’s interference in Erik’s sick game, must have made him so mad that Isak doesn’t know if he’ll ever see them again if he goes home with Erik right now.

Thankfully he doesn’t have to find out. Seemingly out of nowhere, Julian pops up and socks Erik so hard in the eye that he stumbles back and finally lets go of Isak’s wrist.

“Get the fuck out.” Isak has never seen Julian mad, ever. He has always been annoyingly cheerful and chatty, now, however, there is a rage in his eyes and Isak is really thankful it is not pointed at him.

Erik sneers, disdain clear on his face and his eye already blackening. “This is not over.” He says to Isak before turning around and finally leaving.

Isak breaks down in ugly sobs, cradling his wrist close to his body. Eva is next to him in an instant, “Can I hug you?” she asks, hovering by his side for a moment before Isak nods and she envelops him in her warmth. He hides his face in her neck, lets her hair fall around him, shielding him from the world. Her scent is comforting in that familiar way of having been friends since seemingly forever. She strokes his back and mumbles comforting words in his hair. Thing like, “I’m here” and “you’re not alone” and Isak tries to believe her, he really does.

After a while, the bells above the door sound again and Isak feels another pair of arms around him.

“Issy, I’m here to take you home, okay?” Jonas’s voice is soft, concerned, like Isak is a wounded animal. Hell, maybe he is right, Isak doesn’t really feel human right now. He feels like he’s floating somewhere above himself, dissociated from his body.

He doesn’t answer, but lets Jonas take him home. It’s only when he’s outside and hears another pair of footsteps, that he realises Jonas has not come alone. Isak looks to Jonas’s right to see Mikael there.

Jonas follows Isak’s gaze, “I hope it’s okay they are here. We were together when Julian called me and I just wanted to get here as soon as possible and they have a car.”

Isak just nods, tries to smile at Mikael. It doesn’t really work, but he seems to get the message across as their face softens and they smile back.

Mikael drives them to Jonas’s apartment and when Isak walks in the living room, Mahdi and Magnus are there waiting for them.

Magnus immediately stands up and comes to hug Isak. As he wants to softly pull Isak with him towards the couch, Isak hisses in pain. “What the fuck.” Magnus breathes as he looks at Isak’s wrist.

He makes him sit down and Mikael brings him a towel and some ice. “Hold it on the bruise. If it doesn’t stop hurting we’ll have to let it get checked out.” Mikael says, their eyes trained on the finger shaped bruises on Isak’s wrist, “Has he done something like this before?” Isak shakes his head. Erik has never physically hurt Isak before but he was filled with so much more rage now.

“Please don’t fall quiet,” says Jonas, taking Isak’s good hand in his.

Isak scrapes his throat, opens his mouth to talk. When nothing comes out, he tries again, “I have never seen him this angry. I think… I think he didn’t plan for me to move on. He broke up with me, to break me. And now his plan has failed and he is furious.” Isak doesn’t really know where this insight comes from, maybe Eva is really getting to him.

Mikael nods, “It fits with everything else.” At Isak’s curious look, they bite their lip, suddenly shy.

“I’m sorry, I told them. I didn’t mean to, it’s just… Eva called and I was so furious and it… I’m sorry.” Jonas explains

Isak squeezes his hand, “It’s okay. You trust them, so it’s okay.” Jonas nods gratefully and Mikael smiles softly.

“Look, I don’t know everything, of course, but, from what Jonas has told me, this guy is a psychopath. He wants total control over you and he’ll take it by any means necessary. We need to stop him, okay? He left bruises, we can actually go to the police now.” When Mikael sees Isak’s panicked reaction, their voice softens, “It’s your decision, Isak, no one is going to make you. But think about, okay?”

Isak nods but he knows he won’t go to the police. He let himself be manipulated for months, the police will just laugh at him.

Magnus pushes a curl of Isak’s hair behind his ear, “We’re here.”

He’s the second person telling Isak that and he desperately holds on to that statement. He needs to believe it, or he’ll slip under again. So, he lets Magnus manoeuvre Isak’s head on his lap. Mahdi places a blanket on Isak and Jonas turns on the tv, pulling Mikael in his lap.

Isak looks at them, Jonas’s chin in hooked over Mikael’s shoulder while watching tv. Mikael is texting someone. Isak has an idea who but he’s too tired to think about that too deeply.

He falls asleep in between two episodes of Brooklyn Nine Nine, his friends’ presence warmer than the blanket on top of him.

*

When he wakes up, his head is no longer in Magnus’s lap. Isak knows, because he hears Magnus talking to Mahdi in the kitchen. They are arguing about the best way to make scrambled eggs.

“The best way is to add a bit of sour cream, but don’t tell anyone, it’s my secret.” Even must’ve noticed Isak waking up. His hands don’t stop going through Isak’s hair, playing with his curls.

“How does your wrist feel?” Mikael walks into the living room and into Isak’s line of sight. Isak raises his wrist and turns his hand, trying to get a feel for it.

Even sharply sucks in a breath, his hands momentarily stilling in Isak’s hair. “It’s okay, just bruised. It’ll pass.”

“Are you sure? Maybe we should get it checked out.”

“I’m sure, I’ve had bruises like this again.”

Mikael’s eyes widen, “I thought he had never done this before.”

Isak swallows, “He hasn’t.”

He sees the question in Mikael’s eyes but is glad they don’t press the matter. Isak sees Jonas’s concerned look behind Mikael and he sighs.

When Mikael and Jonas leave the room again, Even speaks, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

Isak turns on his back so he can properly look at Even, his head still pillowed on his lap. Isak is not sure how they managed to switch Isak’s head from Magnus’s to Even’s lap, but then again, he must’ve been really out of it. The body tends to shut down in the face of severe emotional trauma. At least, that’s what Eva tells him.

“You’re not my bodyguard, Even.” Isak says. As he looks in Even’s concerned eyes, the full power of them focused on Isak, Isak remembers Erik’s words. He winces and Even’s hands fly to Isak’s face.

“Are you in pain?”

More than I could ever imagine. “I’m okay.” Isak closes his eyes to escape getting lost in the blueness of Even’s. He wants to drown in them, give himself over to the sea in Even’s eyes but he’s also scared of them. He knows that if he lets himself drown in them, he will never resurface and when this inevitably ends and Even leaves him, he might not survive.

Erik’s words play through Isak’s head as a broken record. Even is sick, he’s sick like your mother is and what will you do now, Isak? How can you take care of him? You can’t take care of your mother, hell, you can’t even take care of yourself

“Isak? Baby, look at me.” Even strokes away the tears Isak didn’t knew were falling, “Baby, please, let me help you.”

“You can’t, Even.” Isak chokes out, still with his eyes closed, “I’m too messed up, I’m not good for you.”

Suddenly Even lifts Isak’s head of his lap, puts it back on the couch and Isak has one sickening moment of see? I told you he would leave you when he finally realised how fucked up you are. Before Even plasters his long body against Isak.

They are laying down on the couch, Even cradling Isak’s head, pushing his forehead against Isak’s. “You’re amazing Isak. You’re so beautiful. You’re so smart and funny. I didn’t think I could fall harder for you, but then you went out for coffee with me and I fell so hard.” Even just breathes for a moment and Isak finally opens his eyes. He searches Even’s eyes, looks for cruelty or for a sign that Even is going to leave him. He doesn’t find either, “I’m not leaving you, Isak. You’re not getting rid of me, so stop fighting this.” He smiles softly as he says it.

Isak nods, once. Even’s responding grin warms Isak to the bones.

He falls asleep again like that, in the safety of Even’s gaze.

*

The second time he wakes up, Even is no longer on the couch with him, his fear of abandonment has a second to grasp his heart in its cold clutches before Eva catches his eye and says, “Even had to go home to go get some fresh clothes and to hand in an assignment. He didn’t want to leave you, but I told him he couldn’t just afford to fail his classes. He should be back any minute now.”

Isak nods, grateful and Eva smiles at him, tilts her head, “You love him.”

“Yes,” he says, and surprises even himself by how easy it is to admit. He fell in love with Even. He’s not sure when, but it happened. It doesn’t make the knowledge that Even will inevitably leave him any easier.

“What’s wrong?” Eva asks, and Isak feels like crying again. She comes to sit on the ground by Isak’s head, takes his hand in his, “Please talk to me.”

So, Isak does. He tells Eva he’s so scared of Even seeing him like this. He tells Eva that he feels broken. Eva just squeezes his hand, “He loves you, Isak. I can see how much he loves you. You should’ve seen him when he came in. He almost threw Magnus out of the way to be close to you. He won’t leave you.”

“What if he has no choice? What if being with me, breaks him?”

“What do you mean?”

Isak tells Eva about what Erik said. The tears streaming down his face, “He’s ill, Eva. I’m no good for him, you were there when I left my mother. You saw what I did to her, I can’t do it again.”

Eva looks stern as she forces Isak’s head up to look in his eyes, “Listen here, Isak Valtersen. First of all, you are no longer fifteen. When your dad left, he left his child alone with a mentally ill mother. She hurt you, physically and emotionally. You had to run, Isak, you had to run to survive. No one blames you for that. Not even your mother, you know that.”

Isak doesn’t know that, he felt guilty every time he visits her. Even after all these years, after finally getting her the help she needed, Isak feels guilty for leaving.

He still remembers everything so vividly. His mother going into a psychosis, Isak so scared of her, he ran. Eskild found him, wasted, in some gay bar. The next two years, Isak didn’t speak with his parents. Until he was seventeen and got a call from the hospital, his mother had hurt herself, almost bled to death. They weren’t sure if she did it on purpose or if it was an accident. It didn’t matter, Isak wasn’t there and she could’ve died because he left her.

Visiting his mother in the hospital had been awful. Isak didn’t know how to feel, and when he saw his mother there, pale and small in the hospital bed, he had cracked. He hadn’t stopped crying for hours, until she woke up and had pulled him into bed with her. He had mumbled he loved her. “I love you, my son. I’m so sorry. Oh, Isak, I’m so sorry.” She had answered, with the soft voice Isak remembered from his early childhood.

She was better now, in a facility that gave her the help she needed. He tried to visit her often, now. But his relationship with Erik had damaged their bond again. Erik had convinced Isak he was better off without his mother in his life and Isak, cold, stupid Isak, had believed Erik. So, he hadn’t seen her more than a handful of times the past year and Isak felt so guilty about that.

“She doesn’t blame you.” Eva said again. “Secondly, you do not get to decide for others what is best for them. Even is a big guy, he can make his own decisions. Now, if you want to leave him because he may or may not be ill…”

“No!” Isak almost yelled, “I don’t want to leave him, Eva, you don’t understand, I’m scared that I just will. Because I’m not strong enough, because I’m not good enough for him.”

Eva’s eyes darkened, “You decide that, Isak. No one else! You do not get to say things like that, as if they are out of your control. You decide now whether you want to fight for this or not.”

Isak is quiet for a long moment. Eva strokes the hair out of his face, anger leaving her as soon as it had appeared.

“You’re right. I’m just…”

“You’re scared, and so you’re thinking of leaving him before he can leave you. Don’t do that, Isak, don’t do that to yourself.”

Eva looked up as the front door of the apartment opened and closed again, “Talk to him.” She said, before Even walked in.

“You’re awake.” Even said, as he came into the living room. He walked up to Isak, dropping his backpack in one swift motion, before kneeling down besides Isak’s head, next to Eva. “I’m sorry I left, I had to get some stuff.”

Eva stood up, “I’m going home now, okay? Noora wanted me home for dinner.” She smiled at Isak, mouthed “I love you” to him, before squeezing Even’s shoulder once and disappearing.

Even stroked Isak’s forehead as if checking for a fever, “How are you feeling, baby?”

Isak shrugged as much as was possible while still laying down, “Okay”

The older boy just nodded, “You want to stay here? Or do you want me to walk you home?”

“I think I’d rather stay here, don’t feel like walking yet.” Even nodded, “Will you stay?”

“Of course I’ll stay, Isak.” Even kissed Isak’s cheek. More a brushing of lips than a proper kiss, but Isak still felt the power of it throughout his entire body.

Even nudged Isak, “Want to watch a movie? I brought my collection. Nothing sad, I promise. Pacific Rim, maybe?”

Isak nodded, watched Even get the movie ready and get out popcorn and drinks. Even smiled at him, “I didn’t want to raid Jonas and Mahdi’s fridge.

“That’s nice. You’re nice.”

Even’s grin widened, “You’re nice too,” he bumped his nose against Isak and Isak let himself be pulled up straighter so he could lean against Even, “Soft boy.” Even mumbled in Isak’s hair, turning Isak’s world upside down and inside out.

They watched to movie in silence, Even’s hands never leaving Isak. Either stroking his hair, or the side of his face, or tangling their fingers. Isak felt at peace, leaning against him.

When the credits rolled, Isak turned to look at Even. The other boy looked back, waiting for Isak to speak.

“I’m scared,” Isak said, and Even’s face crumpled, “I’m so scared Even. I’m scared of Erik sure, but mostly I’m scared of…” Isak drew in a shaky breath, trying to find courage. “I’m scared of falling into another depressive episode. I just got out of one. I don’t want to fall back, so close after the other.”

“I know, baby, it’s scary. Are you talking to someone? Someone professional?”

Isak shook his head. He knew he should, he knew he needed help but it was so hard. It was hard to admit to himself that he might not get through this alone. And if Isak was being really honest with himself, which he tried to be more and more, he was scared that they would take one look at him and tell him he needed to be hospitalized like his mother.

“Why not?” Even’s voice was not judgemental, just curious, understanding.

“Not tonight, I can’t…”

“Okay, that’s okay, Isak. Tell me when you’re ready.” Even drew him closer, almost pulling Isak on his lap.

It was not enough, Isak wanted to be closer still. So, he threw his leg over Even’s lap and straddled him, hiding his face in the crook of Even’s neck.

Even’s arms enveloped him, unwavering, even when Isak started crying ugly sobs, soaking Even’s shirt with tears.

“I’m here, baby, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” Even whispered, again and again. Isak tried to believe it, he tried really hard.

Chapter Text

Isak was sitting in Mahdi’s and Jonas’s kitchen on Saturday. Even was… Isak wasn’t sure, he had said something about having to deal with some things but wouldn’t say much more. Isak isn’t too worried, Even hasn’t left his side in the last couple of days, he can deal with not being with him for a couple of hours. He thinks

When Isak finally felt up to going back home after everything, Even had come with him and he had been sleeping over ever since. They still hadn’t kissed, but they were cuddling a lot now. Spooning in bed, Even in between Isak’s legs while he sat on the counter, Isak on Even’s lap on the couch… Even’s hands would never leave him, unless Isak was peeing or showering. And even that gave Isak slight separation anxiety, it was getting ridiculous. More than that, Even wouldn’t stop complimenting him, praising him. For his looks, his brain, his humour… Isak could feel himself preening under so much love and attention.

Isak hadn’t felt quite ready to go back to class and possibly face Eric, and Even had simply said he would stay home with him. Isak had protested, said he didn’t want to damage Even’s grades but Even had just shrugged and told him not to worry about it.

Today, though, Isak is alone. Or well, not alone, he is surrounded by Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus. He feels alone, though, weirdly. Like Even took a part of him with him when he left Isak this morning with a kiss on the cheek and a whispered “I’ll be back soon, baby.”

Jonas presses a cup of coffee in Isak’s hands and Mahdi places a sandwich in front of him too.

“I already ate.”

“I would like it if you ate in front of me, too.” Jonas says and Isak raises his eyebrows, “You stop eating when you’re depressed, Isak. I just… I don’t want it to happen again.”

“I’m not depressed.” Isak defends himself. The boys scoff as one, “I’m not, I swear. I’m sad, yes. I’m hurt. But I’m not depressed.”

It’s true, what Isak is feeling right now, it isn’t depression. It’s maybe balancing on the edge, it’s maybe one strong gust of wind away from being a depressive episode, but it’s not. He’s not sure why. By all accounts, he should be in bed now, not eating, not speaking and not sleeping. But being with Even…

Even who had drawn him into movie discussions and made him watch what Even referred to as masterpieces. Even who had made him food and fed him, kissing his cheek after every few bites. Even who held him so tight at night that Isak slipped into sleep without too much of a fight.

So, no, this was no depression.

Mahdi nods, “You wouldn’t be here, if you were truly depressed.”

“Still, I would like it if you ate that sandwich.” Jonas says, smiling. Isak rolls his eyes and demonstratively starts eating the, admittedly really good, sandwich.

After watching him eat for a moment, Magnus breaks the tension and starts telling the boys about this girl in his class and how he swears up and down she is interested in him, “I’m telling you, guys, she was giving me, like, bedroom eyes!”

Jonas bursts out in laughter and Mahdi just shakes his head, “Bedroom eyes, Magnus? Have you been reading those trashy novels again with half naked people on the cover?”

“Look, you know what I mean, she was staring really intensely!”

“Are you sure there wasn’t anything on your face?” Isak asks and the boys seem surprised at him joking around again before they burst out laughing.

“I liked you better when you were depressed.” Magnus says, but the love in his eyes is easy to read, even for Isak, so he just punches his shoulder.

*

After Isak finishes his food, they all settle on the couch to play some Fifa and trash talk each other.

Isak is in the middle of thoroughly getting his ass handed to him by Jonas when his phone beeps with a message. Thinking it’s Even, Isak hands his controller over to Magnus before unlocking his phone.

It’s not Even. Instead, Eric has texted him a screenshot of something on Facebook. Isak closes the message before he can read what it says. He can guess what it is about.

Mahdi is the first one to notice Isak’s changed mood. “What happened?”

Isak sighs, he hasn’t told the boys yet about what Eric has told him. He had felt like it wasn’t his to tell. On the other hand, he doesn’t know what to do. He is worried about Even and scared about talking to him about it.

Jonas and Magnus put their controllers to the side as well, and they all look at Isak, waiting for him to either talk or tell them it’s okay.

“It’s just… When Eric came over, he told me some things… Some things about Even.” Isak slowly recaps what Eric told him, leaving out the slurs. He strokes his still healing wrist while talking, the pain more a memory than anything else by now.

“Fuck that guy.” Mahdi says and Jonas nods.

“He was probably lying, he’s a psychopath, Isak, he would say anything to get you back.”

Isak shrugs, the idea had popped up in his head as well, of course, but then…

“Well…” Magnus interrupts them, “I’ve heard that story before, actually. So, it might be true?”

Jonas turns to Magnus, “Where did you hear it?”

“Some girl, in the beginning of the schoolyear. She told me about this guy that ‘lost it’, two years back.” Magnus puts up air quotes, while rolling his eyes at her choice of words, “I’m not really sure about details, I was too busy trying to take her home with me, but anyway she told me the same story you just told us, Isak.”

Isak feels cold. Some part of him was still hoping it wasn’t true, and while it doesn’t change his feelings for Even, it makes him scared.

“Would it matter? You love him, Issy. Does it matter if he’s ill?” Jonas asks

Isak shakes his head, “It doesn’t change my feelings, of course it doesn’t. It’s just…” his voice dies down and he has to scrape his throat a couple of times before he can continue, and even then, his voice comes out strained and small, “what if I’m like my dad? What if I can’t handle it?”

Jonas shakes his head so hard, Isak is afraid he might give himself a whiplash, “You are nothing like your father, Isak! Nothing! Also, your mom was really ill, but Even seems to function fine.”

“Yeah, bro,” Magnus adds, “look, I’m no professional, but hearing the story. It sounds like Even experienced mania and that he has bipolar. It’s what my mom has, remember?” Isak nods. He remembers Magnus’s mom, has seen her a couple of times over the years he has known Magnus. She’s a really nice woman, always warm and full of love, like her son. Not that Isak would ever say that out loud. Sometimes Magnus tells them a story about something his mother has done during her mania and laughs about it. Sometimes Magnus can’t go to parties because he wants to help take care of his mother in a depressive episode. It doesn’t happen too often, however. “It’s manageable, with the right medication and structure. Look at her and my dad, man, they are the happiest couple in the world.”

“He’s right, Isak, it doesn’t have to always be like it went with your parents.” Mahdi says, his normally sunny face now serious.

“Talk to him.” Jonas says, echoing Eva’s advice from a couple of days earlier and Isak nods.

“Thanks Mags, you’re actually really cool.” Isak says, shit eating grin on his face

Magnus’s face brightens, “Yeah, no shit, you’re only getting that now?”

“Yeah, you’re pretty worthless otherwise!”

Magnus fakes being hurt and the boys laugh. Isak can do this, he can talk to Even.

*

Even arrives a while later. He seems tired, his eyes dark and his shoulders are drooping.

Isak pulls him to the side while the boys are loudly discussing the party they were going to later.

“Are you okay?” he asks, linking his fingers with Even’s. Even sighs deeply before simply nodding, “You can tell me, you know that right? Whatever it is.” Isak looks Even in the eyes, trying to read his mood.

Even just pulls Isak into him, holds him tight as he buries his nose in Isak’s neck. “I will, just… Not yet?”

“Okay, we have time.”

Even pulls back a bit to look at Isak, “We have time?”

“All the time in the world.” Isak says, and he realises how much he means it. He is scared, so incredibly scared. Scared of himself, scared of Eric, scared of losing Even, scared of losing himself. But he’s also willing to fight for this, with all his might, until his dying breath. I love him Isak realises and maybe, that’s the only thing Isak isn’t scared of.

Even just kisses him softly on the cheek, right under his eye and then he pulls Isak’s wrist up and kisses the fading bruises there. “All the time in the world,” he repeats and something soft and warm settles in Isak’s body.

*

The boys ask Isak and Even if they want to come to the party with them, and Isak, surprising everyone including himself, feels like going. He asks Even if he’s up for it and he nods.

“Just for a little while.” Isak says, “I don’t think I’ll be able to stay long.” Jonas smiles wide, Mahdi claps him on the back.

So, Isak finds himself at a party, for the first time in months and he is actually enjoying himself.

Even’s mood seemed to have cleared up as well and he had texted his friends to come over too. Jonas had pulled Mikael in a sweet, lingering kiss the moment they saw each other and Isak watched them dance together, completely wrapped up into each other.

Isak is sitting on the couch, pressed in between Even and Yousef. Even’s arm is draped over his shoulders as he is discussing something with Yousef. Isak catches the words YouTube and challenge but he isn’t really paying attention. Instead, he’s just enjoying Even’s warmth, the buzz of the people around him and seeing his friends so happy and carefree.

Magnus drops himself on the ground in front of Isak, resting his head on Isak’s knees, “You would think, being bi would give me double the chances of hooking up.”

Isak laughs and pushes Magnus’s head of him, “I think in your case, it just makes you twice as desperate, Mags.” Magnus groans and Even huffs a laugh.

“Don’t be so mean to the boy, can’t you see he’s in pain?”

“Oh please, Even, I’ve had to deal with this all through high school, you would think the boy had learned how to flirt by now.” Even barks a laugh and pats Magnus’s head

“It’s okay, Magnus, you’ll get there! I’m sure you’ll win some lucky girl or guy over soon!” Magnus grins at Even.

“I like him better, can we trade?” Magnus asks Yousef, “You get Isak, we’ll take Even.”

Yousef laughs and shakes his head, “Sorry, I don’t think either Elias or Mikael would be up for that.”

Magnus pouts until Yousef adds, “I’m sure we can share, now that we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other.” He looks from Even and Isak to Mikael and Jonas, now heavily making out in the corner.

Even nuzzles the side of Isak’s face and Isak smiles, melting into the touch.

“Are you ready to get out of here?” Even whispers in Isak’s ear and the younger boy nods before letting himself be pulled up, “I’ll see you tomorrow, Yousef? For brunch?”

Yousef nods and looks to Isak, “You can come too, Isak! I think Mikael is bringing Jonas.”

Magnus looks put off for a second before Even grins at him, “You and Mahdi are invited too.” Magnus nods excitedly and immediately sets out to find Mahdi.

Yousef laughs as he watches him go and Isak just rolls his eyes fondly, “What a dork,” he says and Even giggles next to him.

After hugging Yousef, Even pulls Isak out of the party, waving at the rest of their friends and Isak suddenly feels so tired he could fall asleep while standing up.

“Are you okay, baby?” Even pushes a curl from Isak’s face as they make their way home. Isak just nods and smiles up at him.

“Just tired.”

They go to Even’s place, as it is closest and Isak doesn’t think he’s capable of walking any longer than strictly necessary.

As they fall into bed together, Isak tangles his limbs with Even, wanting to be as close as possible to him. “I’m so happy you pretended to be my fake boyfriend,” he mumbles sleep drunk into Even’s chest, “You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.” The sleepiness is making him more honest, it’s less of a fight to tell Even how he feels.

He hears Even suck in a breath before hugging him even closer, “I’m happy too, baby. I’m so grateful to have you in my life. You’re amazing, Isak.”

Isak nuzzles his nose against Even’s neck and sighs, letting himself fill up with love for this wonderful boy in his arms. “I think I love you, Even,” he says before he can stop himself. He has no time to panic however as Even immediately answers.

“I know I love you, Isak.”

Isak smiles and falls asleep.

*

Isak wakes up hearing the voice of his best friend right outside the room and is confused for a second before he realises Mikael must’ve taken Jonas home with them as well. Isak smiles as he listens to the easy banter between the two of them.

“You’re awake?” He hears Even mumble, and Isak turns his head to look at him.

“Good morning, baby,” Even says, while raking a hand through Isak’s curls.

“Good morning,” Isak answers and feels like someone punched all the air out his lungs, Even is so gorgeous. “You’re so beautiful.” Isak half-whispers and Even’s eyes widen before turning soft and pleased.

“I really want to kiss you, Isak, can I please kiss you?”

Isak nods and Even pushes himself up so that he hovers above Isak. He looks him in the eyes before mumbling “I love you, so much.” And then they are kissing.

It’s imperfect. They are sleepy and uncoordinated and both have morning breath but it’s the best kiss Isak has ever had in his entire life. He feels like he’s floating, like there’s nothing left in this world but Even’s lips on his. Even moans as Isak licks his upper lip and obligingly opens his mouth for Isak’s tongue.

Isak lets his hands trail over Even’s back before letting them rest in his hair, softly pulling on the strands and making Even moan in his mouth. Even bites Isak’s lip softly, eliciting a grunt and an aborted hip thrust from the younger boy.

Even laughs softly in Isak’s mouth before pulling back slightly, still close enough that they are breathing each other’s air. He scrapes his throat and smiles at Isak trying to chase his mouth, “We need to get up.”

“Why?” Isak whines, pulling Even’s head back down. Even kisses Isak for a few moments longer before pulling away again.

“For one, we need to go out for brunch. Also, if we keep this up longer, neither of us will be able to control ourselves.”

Isak pouts, “I don’t care.”

Even laughs again and brushes his nose against Isak’s, “Slow, Isak, we’re taking this slow and doing it right.”

“We said I love you before kissing, Even, I don’t think that is either slow or in the right order.” Isak huffs.

Even kisses Isak, just once, more a peck than a proper kiss. “I love you.”

Isak lets his eyes flutter close, “I love you too.”

They somehow manage to get out of bed and get dressed, sharing sloppy, giggling kisses as they are getting ready.

As Isak comes out of the bathroom, having just brushed his teeth, he stands eye to eye with Jonas.

Jonas, who is grinning so widely Isak fears his face might split, “Good morning.”

Isak narrows his eyes at him, “Morning. What do you want?”

Jonas raises his eyebrows suggestively, “Had a good night?”

“Oh my god, Jonas!” Isak punches his best friend’s shoulder, “It’s nothing like that! It’s just… We just…” Isak lowers his voice to a whisper, “We just kissed, okay?”

Jonas smiles even wider before wrapping Isak into a hug, “I’m so happy for you.”

“Ugh, Jonas, chill, I bet you and Mikael do way more by now.”

Jonas refuses to let go of Isak, instead pats him on the back, “Sure, but neither of us just came out of a traumatic relationship. I’m just happy you’re letting yourself love again, Isak.”

Isak feels himself tear up and furiously blinks to stop the tears from falling, “Thanks, Jonas,” he grumbles, not fully able to show Jonas exactly how thankful he truly is.

His best friend finally lets go, and Isak sees how teary eyed he is himself. They grin at each other before noticing their partners walking up to them.

“Are you ready, baby?” Even asks Isak and Isak nods before linking his fingers with Even.

*

Brunch with all their friends is nice. Even is touching Isak even more than before and the two share kisses every couple of minutes, like they are lovesick teenagers.

Their friends just look at them amused, but everyone seems to understand how big this is for Isak, how important for his healing process. Of letting himself love and be loved again.

They laugh and joke, and Isak feels so at ease with Even’s friends. He feels truly welcomed by them, like he has known them for years instead of weeks (a few of them in which Isak didn’t even talk to them).

“Are you okay?” Even whispers in his ear, sometime during the meal, and Isak nods, eyes full of love. Love for his old friends and his new, but mostly, most deeply, for this boy in front of him. This boy with the most wonderful blue eyes, currently focussed on him and him alone.

“I love you.” Isak whispers back, and he would be scared of wearing it out, of it losing its meaning, saying it this much. But when he sees Even’s pupils dilating and he hears Even whisper the words back to him, he doesn’t think this will ever feel anything but exhilarating, and he will never tire of hearing it.

Chapter Text

Being with Even, truly being with Even, was wonderful. Outwardly, it looked like nothing really changed, they still spend all of their time together, either at Even’s place or at Isak’s. They held hands and fell asleep in each other’s arms, just like before. But for Isak, it felt like confessing how deep his feelings ran for Even had changed everything. There is a sureness now, the certainty that this is not all in his head. He is not alone in what he is feeling. Isak looks at Even with wonder in his eyes every time their eyes meet, wonder for this wonderful boy, who he loves and is loved by in return. Kissing Even feels like coming home, no matter how many kisses they share, no matter how heated or soft. Every kiss sets Isak on fire, in the most beautiful way possible.

It’s not perfect, though. Eric still looms over Isak, his mere presence on campus sending shivers down Isak’s spine. Isak figures his and Even’s friends have picked up on Isak’s fear without him telling them about it and now they seem to randomly pop up next to him whenever Isak has to walk to and from class. Isak suspects they made some sort of rotation system to make sure he’s never alone on campus. He would be annoyed by their overprotectiveness if he wasn’t so grateful for their silent support. By the second week of Mutta walking him from his chemistry class to his anatomy class, it feels almost normal to joke around and tease each other.

Even’s friends - now becoming Isak’s friends too - are making it easy for Isak to trust them. They’ve taken him in like he has always been part of their group, and Isak is immensely grateful for that fact.

So, with the added support - and frankly downright scary glares Adam, Jonas and Sana send his way whenever they cross paths - of their combined friend groups, Eric never has the chance to addresses Isak, instead he just glares at him from a distance and sends him increasingly vicious texts that Isak refuses to read since most of them revolve around Even. Which is the second thing on Isak’s mind: Even’s illness and the fact that Even still doesn’t know Isak knows.

Isak doesn’t know how to bring it up, has no idea how to start the conversation. He would prefer Even starting the conversation but Isak understands why Even hasn’t told him yet. Which is another thing Isak feels guilty about.

“Everything has been about me! He probably thinks I’m not equipped to deal with it right now,” he tells Eva and Sana after a beer too much. He’s at Eva and Noora’s place, him and Sana having been invited for dinner. Noora was doing some internship that required many late nights and Eva had invited him and Sana over so “they could learn how to cook together”. Two hours and a lot of cursing later, they were sharing a vegetarian pizza. “Oh no, or what if he heard about my mother and thinks I might leave him! I can’t deal with this.” He thumps his head against the table top and moans in despair.

Sana flicks the top of his head, “Stop being a drama queen. This isn’t about you, Isak.”

Isak had found out Sana knew about Even, and she had confirmed his suspicion that Even is bipolar a few hours earlier after some very subtle questioning by Isak.

“So, Sana, there is this weird story going on, about a guy, about two years ago. He, uhm, he did some odd things. Have you heard about it?” Sana had zeroed in on him, her eyes in slits, “What do you know, Isak?”

“Nothing, just… ErictoldmeitwasEvenandIdon’tknowwhat’sgoingon?” Sana had sighed and Isak had told her everything. His best bud’s face had been sad for a while after, full of an unspoken story Isak knew to not ask about, it was not Sana’s story to tell

“I know this isn’t about me, Sana. I’m just…”

“No, Isak, you are making this about you. About you and your fears,” Sana chastised him and Isak knew she was right. Isak not telling Even he knew about him, had nothing to do with Even itself. It was Isak’s own fear holding him back. His fear of Even leaving him, his fear of not being good enough. He had no reason to suspect Even of leaving him, after all, Even had been there through Isak’s worst, but this rational part of him couldn’t drown out the cold fear around his heart. The fear of abandonment, the fear of turning out to be just like his father.

Eva put her hand on Isak’s, “Even is not Eric, Isak. You can talk to him about your fears.”

Isak nodded, “I know that, I do.” He looked Eva in the eyes and she smiled softly.

“I think…” her voice died down, looking for the right words, “Isak, I think before you talk to him, you need to face your fears.”

“Talking to him is what I am afraid of.”

“Well, no, not completely. Not originally. You’re afraid he will leave you because you feel like you abandoned you mother and you’re afraid you’re going to do what your father did.” She squeezed his hand, “See the common denominator there? Before you can move on, you might need to take a step back. Visit your mom.”

“She hates me, Eva. I left her… Twice.” Isak’s voice wavers, and he bites the inside of his cheek to keep from crying.

“She could never hate you, Isak. Tell her what happened, explain it to her.”

“Explain what? That I left her again because my relationship was more important than my mother?”

“No,” Sana’s voice is pinched, like she is trying not to get mad. Isak involuntarily draws his shoulder to his ears, waiting for the anger. But Sana’s eyes soften immediately, and she repeats, “No, Isak. That’s not what you tell her, because that isn’t the truth. You tell her you were in an abusive relationship. You tell her your ex had you convinced that he was the only one that cared for you. You tell her that you cut everyone from your life because he didn’t allow you to have anyone but him. You tell her the truth.”

The tears fall. Eva reaches out and hugs Isak, Sana smiles softly over Eva’s shoulder, “it’ll be okay.”

*

Isak wakes up from a nightmare two days later, Even’s hands already cupping his face, “Baby? It’s okay, baby, it was just a dream, you’re safe! I’m here.” Even’s thumbs stroke away the tears Isak didn’t know were falling and Isak chokes on a sob.

He pushes his face in Even’s neck, and his boyfriend winds his arms around Isak, pulling him tightly into his body. “Do you want to talk about it?” Even asks.

Isak struggles with himself, not able to find words, too tired and still in the grips of his nightmare to be able to focus. “It was a memory,” he finally says, his voice wavering.

“Of Eric?” Even asks, drawing soothing patterns on Isak’s naked back.

“No… Not of Eric,” Isak sniffles, burrows his face deeper in the crook of Even’s neck, “A memory of my parents. Of my dad leaving and my mother… My mother breaking down, throwing plates and glasses.”

Even hisses, a low sound that Isak is too tired for to begin to unravel. “Is she... Is he okay?”

“She is now. I think.” The silence is deafening, the only sound their breathing. Isak can hear Even thinking, but he can’t explain. Not right now. Eva was right, before he talks to Even, he needs to talk to his mother. “I’m going to visit her tomorrow.” He says, making up his mind as he speaks.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Even asks him and the doubt in his voice is killing Isak.

Isak raises his head to look Even in the eye, kisses him softly, “Not yet, I need to do this alone. But soon, okay? I want you to meet her, soon.”

Something dissolves in Even’s eyes and they become soft again, “Okay.” Even answers, nodding.

“I love you” Isak whispers against Even’s lips and Even’s answer comes in the softest kiss. It settles something in Isak, silences the voices of doubt in his head. And Isak realises he’s an idiot for ever thinking he could leave Even. For ever thinking what he is feeling for Even comes even close to whatever his mother and father had. Their love can never have been like this, this pure, this deep, because Isak suddenly knows he could never leave this boy in his bed. He could never give up on having Even in his arms, in his heart, in the very core that is him.

*

When morning comes, Isak feels his nerves about seeing his mother coming back. He’s determined to go through with it, though. He needs to see her, needs to know if what he did destroyed them. For his sake, for his mother’s sake, for his relationship with Even.

He eats breakfast in silence, Even chatting with Eskild and touching Isak now and then, like he knows Isak needs his touches to feel grounded.

After breakfast, Isak showers and gets dressed. He kisses Even on the lips and tells him he’ll call him when he’s back. Even nods, worry in his eyes and Isak wishes he could just tell Even but he knows he needs to see his mother first. He needs to unravel the knot before he can begin to share it with Even. So, he just kisses Even again, smiles at him and leaves.

The trip to the facility where his mother is staying seemingly lasts forever. When he finally gets there, it takes everything in him not to turn around and go back home.

Isak walks in, tells the receptionist who he is and who he is looking for, and lets himself be guided by a nurse to his mother’s room. He jumps from one foot to the other in front of her door, making the nurse look at him.

“You’re her son, right?” When Isak nods, she smiles, “You have her eyes. She’ll be so happy to see you, she has been telling us all these stories about you.”

“She has?” the nurse nods, still smiling and Isak swallows heavily, “I’m sorry for not visiting sooner.”

She puts her hand on his shoulder and squeezes comfortingly, “You’re here now!”

Isak takes a deep breath and pushes open the door to his mother’s room. She is sitting in a chair by the window, reading a book. The first thing Isak notices is how cozy the room is. He had been here before, at the beginning of the year, but she had still been very sick then, and wasn’t allowed much in her room out of fear that she would accidently hurt herself. Now, though, there are pictures on the wall and a plush rug on the floor. Two chairs and a table, with a quaint looking flower on top. The room seems lighter, somehow. Cheery, despite the clinical environment. Stepping into her room feels like walking out of the sterilized facility and into a safe haven. It settles Isak, at least I didn’t leave her in a bad place .

The second thing he notices is that she looks healthy, healthier than he can remember her ever being.

“Hei, mamma,” he breathes, and his mother turns around, a wide smile forming on her lips.

“Isak! My son, come here.” She opens her arms and Isak rushes into them, holding her close. “I had a dream you would come today.” She murmurs against his chest, being at least a head smaller than Isak.

“I’m sorry, mamma, I’m so sorry.” She tuts at him, strokes his back.

They stand like that for a while, just holding each other. When they finally break away, Marianne gestures to the chair next to hers. Isak sits down, still holding on to his mother’s hand, eyes glued to the ground.

“I’m happy you’re here.” His mother says, squeezing his hand.

“I should’ve come sooner.” Isak feels the guilt suffocating him but his mother tuts again.

“It’s okay, Isak, it must’ve been hard, coming to see me.” There’s so much understanding in her eyes, Isak feels like crawling into a hole and never coming out.

“It’s not… It’s not that, mamma. I wanted to come but,” his voice shakes and Isak breathes in deeply through his nose to try and steady himself, “I was in a very bad relationship, mamma. He told me… He told me a lot of things, convinced me he was the only one that could love me, because I’m so broken, because I left you before.” Isak doesn’t cry, doesn’t let himself cry, but he feels the tears in his throat, making it hard to speak, hard to breathe, “And in the end, he was partly right, wasn’t he? I left you, again.”

His mother stands and positions herself between Isak’s legs so she can pull his head against her chest, “He was not right. You did not leave me, Isak. He sounds like a very bad person, my child, and he only told you lies. You didn’t leave me. You saved yourself when you were a teenager.” Isak opens his mouth to protest but she doesn’t let him, “You were a child, Isak. You were a child and I was… I wasn’t well. I’ve hurt you and I have to carry that guilt with me forever.”

“It’s not your fault, you were sick.”

“It’s not your fault, you were manipulated.” She throws back at him, and Isak can’t help but huff a laugh against her chest.

Isak spends the next few hours in his mother’s room, telling her about Eric, leaving out the worst, but admitting how he messed him up. His mother’s eyes fill with tears when Isak is talking and she doesn’t let go of his hand. Tells him how brave he is, how he got away and how amazing that is. Isak kisses her cheek.

His mother tells him about how well she’s been doing, the medicines have been working really well and she hasn’t had any bad episodes in a long time. Isak then talks about how he’s doing in school, how he’s right on track, even with his depression. His mother beams at him when she tells him how proud she is and Isak preens, realises how much her approval and pride means to him.

He tells her about Even, about how supportive he is, how unwavering his love feels, how he can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with him.

“He sounds amazing, sweetie.”

“He is, mamma, you will love him.” The smile on Isak’s face is so wide that it hurts his cheeks but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter, because he’s here with his mom, and she still loves him and wants to meet the love of his life and everything will be okay. Isak knows that now, without a doubt, everything will be okay.

When they say goodbye, his mother hugs him tight, whispers, “I love you, son” in his ear and Isak says it back, promises to visit soon and bring Even.

The whole ride home, Isak feels like dancing, he feels happy and light, and like nothing can ever hurt him. He texts Even to tell him he’s on his way and when Even doesn’t answer, he texts Mikael. Then Elias, then Mutta, then Adam, then Yousef, then Jonas.

The dread builds up, until he feels like throwing up before Jonas finally calls.

“Isak? Where are you?”

“I’m coming home from visiting mamma, I’m almost at Even’s apartment. Why is no one answering?”

“Eric has ambushed Even, he’s in the hospital.”

And just like that, the bubble bursts, and Isak is again that lonely, little boy, afraid of his own shadow.

Chapter Text

Isak doesn’t cry as he hangs up the phone and starts to make his way to the hospital. He’s too numb to cry. He vaguely registers getting a text, but doesn’t read it as he runs through the darkening streets of Oslo towards Even. He can’t stop, not until he sees Even.

As he runs up to the entrance, he sees Sana and Elias waiting for him outside. As soon as Sana spots him, she grabs his hand and before she turns to go inside, orders Elias to wait for Even’s mom. Some far off, a slumbering piece of Isak jolts at the idea of meeting Even’s mom, but it is quickly overruled by his fear for Even. Sana pulls him through the corridors, and into the elevator when she finally speaks.

“Even is okay. He broke two fingers and a rib. The first injury was sustained by Even punching Eric, apparently Even never learned how to throw a proper punch. The second injury was sustained by Eric kicking him while he was down. The rib didn’t puncture his lungs and should heal without much problems. The fracture of the fingers is stable so the doctor splinted them. He is given bedrest, mostly for his broken rib and will stay on watch tonight to make sure he doesn’t have a concussion. Don’t startle when you see him, his face is swollen in some places, but they did an x-ray and made sure nothing is broken.” Isak opens his mouth, but Sana holds up a finger and adds, “Yes, they also checked for swelling on his brain but everything is normal. However, as I said, they are keeping him here tonight, just to be sure.”

Isak nods, Sana’s clinical rundown of Even’s injuries has weirdly calmed him down. It felt like she was giving Isak a case study and now it is up to him to write a report on the patient.

The elevator dings and Sana grabs his wrist in her hand again to pull him further, “Do you want to know about what happened?”

Isak shakes his head. He needs to see Even first, needs a visual confirmation before anything else. Sana seems to understand as she finally pushes open a door and reveals Even in a hospital bed.

Isak vaguely registers Mikael, Adam and Jonas in the room but he can’t seem to focus on anything but Even himself. When his boyfriend sees him, he wordlessly opens his arms for Isak.

Isak chokes on a sob as he rushes forward into Even’s arms, careful not to put any weight on his ribs.

“Baby,” Even breathes against Isak’s hair, “I’m so glad you’re safe.”

“What are you talking about?” Isak asks, raising his head to look at Even. Even’s eye is already blackening and his jaw is swollen and red. Isak’s chest constricts painfully.

Even doesn’t answer, instead he takes Isak’s face in his hands and slowly caresses his cheeks.

“Eric threatened to hurt you,” Adam says with barely contained anger, answering Isak’s question.

Isak turns around to look at Adam, linking his hand with Even’s non-broken one. Only now does he realise that Adam’s knuckles are scraped and he is sporting a bruise on his jaw. Isak looks over Jonas, who he notices is cradling his arm, bandages peeking out from under his sweater. Mikael has a finger-shaped bruise forming on their neck.

Isak swallows harshly, “What the fuck happened?”

It’s Adam who speaks, anger smouldering in his eyes, “Eric and his friends jumped us when we were walking home from dinner to Even and Mik’s place,” he spits out the words and Even squeezes Isak’s hand when the younger boy gasps. Jonas had told him as much over the phone but hearing it again from Adam made it real.

“Six of them against four of us,” Adam grins half-heartedly, “More like two of us, since Mikael and Even are the worst fighters I’ve ever seen. Seriously, bro, who breaks their fingers punching someone?” Even huffs a laugh. Adam, sensing that Isak isn’t ready to joke around about this anytime soon, continues, “We were lucky the other boys came up as well. When Eric and his friends noticed them, they ran.”

“Elias called me to check on their injuries and I advised them to come to the hospital,” Sana adds and Isak nods

Isak turns back to Even, heart in his throat, “I’m so sorry, baby.” Isak feels like he’s more guilt than boy, a feeling his is very acquainted with but hoped to never feel towards Even. “I’m so sorry, Even. It’s all my fault. If you hadn’t met me…”

Even shushes him, pulls on Isak’s hand until he gets the hint and very carefully crawls next to Even in the bed. His boyfriend strokes the hair out of his eyes, kisses his forehead, eyelids and cheeks all the while mumbling it’s not his fault, that he would get beaten up a thousand times if it meant having Isak by his side.

“I love you, Even. I can’t deal with you being in pain because of me. It would’ve been better if you had never met me, this would’ve never have happened if you never met me.” Isak repeats.

Even makes an almost inhuman sound, as if the thought of not knowing Isak is more painful than his broken bones.

“Baby, stop, please.” Even takes Isak’s face in his hands, forces Isak to look into his eyes, “This was not your fault, it wasn’t! Eric did this, not you. Isak. Don’t start blaming yourself, don’t you dare use this as an excuse to pull away from me.”

And… How did Even know him so well? How did Even look through all his fears and doubts without blinking, without running away screaming?

“It’s true, though.”

“I don’t care, Isak. I choose you, no matter what happens, I choose you.”

Isak sobs and gingerly buries his face in Even’s neck, careful not to jostle him too much.

“Even?” A woman’s voice sounds from the entrance of the room and Isak untangles himself from Even. He immediately realises she must be Even’s mother. There is a striking resemblance present in the fierceness of her eyes.

“Hei, mamma,” Even mumbles, sounding chastised and small in the face of his mother.

Isak tries to subtly wipe at his eyes and notices their friends have cleared the room. He coughs softly and turns to Even, “I’ll leave you guys to talk. We’ll talk later.”

Before he can leave, however, Even pulls him back and kisses him softly, “Don’t go too far.” Isak shakes his head, as if he could leave Even right now.

As he exits the room, he smiles shyly at Even’s mother, who smiles brightly back. “He’s pretty.” Isak hears her say, right before he closes the door behind him. He chuckles softly and sets out to find his friends.

The moment he sets foot in the waiting room, a pair of arms are wrapped around him. He hugs Jonas back, breathing in the comforting scent of his best friend. “How are you?”

“I’m okay, Jonas, you’re the one that’s bruised.”

Jonas shrugs, “It’s not too bad. I have worse bruises from skating.” He looks at Isak, trying to read his mood, “Do you feel guilty?”

Isak is not sure how to react to the bluntness of Jonas’ question. Of course he feels guilty, after all, this is his fault. If he had listened to Jonas and the boys, he would’ve never dated Eric for so long and then they wouldn’t be in this mess. If he hadn’t been so stupid, all of this could have been avoided.

“Issy? Snap out of it!” Jonas brings Isak’s attention back to him, “You’re spiralling and no one needs that.”

Adam walks up to them and Isak is afraid for a second, thinks that Adam will yell at him for getting Even hurt. Instead, Adam places his hand on Isak’s shoulder and squeezes, “Isak, you’re one of us now, that means that we stick up for you. No matter what.”

Elias slides up to them and rolls his eyes, “Yeah, okay, there, Godfather…” the boys laugh, and Adam rolls his eyes, huffing. “What this dork is trying to say, Isak, is that this isn’t your fault. Eric is a psycho, he jumped Even out of nowhere and threatened you. There’s nothing you could’ve done to prevent this.”

“I could’ve not met you,” Isak mumbles, eyes glued to the floor.

“Well, we wouldn’t want that now, would we?” When Isak looks up to Elias, the older boy smiles the patented Bakkoush dimpled smile, “Even is the happiest we’ve seen him in a very long time. Thanks to you.” There’s a sincerity in his voice that reminds Isak of Sana. The kind of sincerity that begs to be believed.

Mikael throws an arm over Isak’s shoulder, rests their forehead against Isak’s temple, “You’ve made a pretty sad boy into a pretty happy boy. You’re a good boyfriend, Isak.”

Isak inhales deeply through his nose, trying to will away the tears threatening to spill. He has cried too much over Eric already. Too much in his life has been ruined or nearly ruined by his ex-boyfriend. He exhales through his mouth and tries to look for the feeling he had while on the way back from his mother. The happiness he felt, the assurance that everything would turn out fine.

He’s still shaky when he nods, “Thank you, guys.”

Even’s - his - friends all smile, and Mikael places a kiss on Isak’s temple before letting him go and dropping down next to Jonas on the uncomfortable waiting room seats. Isak startles at the easy affection Mikael gives him. He has noticed them being very tactile with the boys, but never before with Isak. When he looks at Jonas, his best friend smiles widely and Isak understands how important this small moment was. Maybe they mean it, maybe I am good for Even.

“You should go home, get some rest.” Isak tells them, as he sees Mikael’s head drooping on Jonas’s shoulder and Adam leaning heavily on Elias. Sana, as usual, still looks perfectly rested, but Isak knows her well enough to see the slight pinch in her lips, signalling her tiredness and worry.

Elias opens his mouth seemingly to protest when Adam yawns so loudly he startles everyone. “Sorry,” Adam grins sheepishly while Sana glares at him.

“Maybe Isak is right. Mutta and Yousef will be back soon. We can get some sleep and come back in the morning,” Mikael says

“Where are Mutta and Yousef?”

“They’ve gone to get some… stuff Even needed for tonight,” Elias’ stumble is clear in Isak’s ears. His medicine , Isak realises. While they most definitely have his pills on hand in the hospital, patients often bring their own with them when it’s something they have to take daily.

He shares a look with Jonas, who seems to have come to the same conclusion. Jonas tilts his head slightly, as if to ask Isak whether he has talked to Even yet. Isak shakes his head slightly and Jonas deflates.

Isak nods at the others, “I’ll be here.”

They don’t try to persuade Isak to go home, realising that would be completely in vain. So, they all leave after hugging Isak and telling him to call him if he needs anything.

Sana lingers a while longer, waits until the others have cleared the room, before turning to Isak. “You were with your mother.” It’s not a question, but Isak nods anyway. “How was it?”

Isak bites the inside of his lip and sighs, “It was good, Sana. Really good.” He can’t help the pleased tone from seeping in, “The medicines are working, she is improving.”

Sana smiles widely at him, pure happiness radiating from her.

“I took your advice, told her about Eric. Not everything but… Yeah.”

“I’m so happy for you, Isak.”

Isak smiles softly at her, being in the centre of Sana’s wide smile never fails to make him shy. No wonder Yousef always turns into a mess when he’s near her.

“I’m going to talk to Even,” Isak says, more to himself than to Sana.

She nods, squeezes his arm, “It’ll work out fine. Everyone was right, Isak, you’ve been a really good boyfriend. You are good for each other. I’ve known you both for a very long time and I’ve never seen either of you this happy. Even with… You know, Eric.” The way she spits out his name makes Isak laugh, despite the seriousness of their conversation.

“Thanks, best bud.”

Sana rolls her eyes at him, “Good night, Isabel.”

His heart fills with warmth as they grin at each other for a moment. Isak is lucky with a friend like her.

When she’s gone, Isak texts Mutta the room number, telling him he’ll be there when he drops Even’s things off. Mutta texts him back saying they’ll be there in five, so Isak makes his way back to Even’s room.

He knocks gingerly when he sees Even’s mother on the chair next to Even’s bed.

“Isak, hello, come in!” Even’s mother motions for Isak to sit down in the other chair. “We haven’t formally met yet,” she says as Isak sits down, “I’m Astrid. I’ve had to hear about you for an entire year, about how pretty and smart and funny you were…”

“Oh my god, mamma, stop!” Even blushes furiously and Isak looks confused from mother to son.

“A year? We’ve only met in January!”

“Oh honey,” Even’s mom says, placing a hand on Isak’s knee, “he’s been talking about you since last year.”

“Mom! Stop!”

Isak laughs, “What?”

“Even, don’t tell me you haven’t told the boy yet about your major crush on him for months.” When Even groans, she turns conspiringly to Isak, “Months, Isak! Months! He wouldn’t stop talking about you. Drove me and his dad crazy!”

“Yeah, us too!” Isak hears Mutta say.

Mutta and Yousef stand in the entrance of Even’s room, wide grins on their faces.

“Can you stop? I’m in the hospital, now is not the time to gang up on me!”

“Oh, poor boy!” His mom says, patting his knee.

Mutta snorts and drops the bag he is holding onto Even’s lap, “Here’s your stuff! We can’t stay, Elias has ordered pizza.”

Even puts his hand on his heart as if hurt, “So, pizza is more important than your friend in the hospital?”

“Duh, Even, don’t ask stupid questions.” Mutta’s grin could light up entire Norway and Isak can’t help but grin widely back.

“That hurts, Mutta.” Even widens his eyes, sniffles away pretend tears.

His friend just laughs and turns to walk out the door, “See ya buddy! Isak, Astrid.” He nods at them and saunters out.

Yousef crinkles his nose as he watches Mutta walk away, “Yeah, uhm… I have to go too.” He points over his shoulder, clearly enticed by something other than pizza waiting for him.

“Say hello to Sana,” Isak says, shit-eating grin in place when Yousef stammers something incomprehensible and walks of.

“That boy is worse than you, Even,” His mom says, shaking her head and smiling.

“Mom! Stop bullying me.”

Astrid just laughs and stands up, “Fine, I’ll leave you to it.” She walks over to kiss Even on the forehead and takes the bag from him. “Did they put your medicine in it? Do you need something else?”

Even looks at Isak, panic suddenly visible on his face.

When his mother notices Even’s face, she frowns and looks from Even to Isak. As she realises what is happening, her face darkens slightly.

Mother and son have a wordless conversation for a second, and Isak looks away to try and give them some privacy.

“I can leave, if you want,” he says, when it’s been quiet for too long.

“No, Isak honey, don’t leave. I was going home anyway.” Astrid throws one last look towards her son. Even shrugs slightly and she rolls her eyes.

Astrid kisses Even’s forehead again, “Good night, Even. Call me tomorrow.” She turns around, smiles at Isak, and comes up to give him a hug, “It was very nice to meet you! Finally,” she grins widely, before turning on her heels and leaving.

When the door closes behind her, Even groans loudly, scrubbing his healthy hand over his face. “That was so embarrassing,” he says while laughing but Isak notices the smile doesn’t reach his eyes. There’s a wariness in his eyes, as if he’s waiting for Isak to ask about the medicine.

Isak just smiles, “Oh, you’re telling me all about this crush of you!”

Even laughs again, and the worry in his eyes subsides a bit. He makes grabby hands for Isak, “Come here, baby.”

Isak complies and crawls back into bed with Even, as careful as possible. Even rakes his fingers through Isak’s hair, kissing the top of Isak’s head. After a while, his eyes wander back to the bag and he bites his lip.

“What are you thinking of?” Isak asks, eyes trained on Even’s face.

Even snaps his eyes back to Isak. Tries to grin. “You. Always you. Sometimes naked, sometimes not.”

Isak sees through his obvious diversion but decides to play along so he rolls his eyes, refrains from punching Even’s shoulder if only because he doesn’t want to hurt him.

“You’re ridiculous.”

“You love it.”

Isak grins, he can’t deny that he does. He loves Even’s ridiculousness, his stupid jokes, his bravery, his… well, he just loves Even, every part of him.

It’s quiet again, the only sound their breath going in and out. Even’s mind is somewhere far of, Isak can see him thinking.

Isak looks at the bag Even’s mom has placed on the bedside table. It’s clear it’s haunting Even, making the light in his eyes dim. Isak hates it. Not the illness, Isak hates the weight of the secret looming over them. Suffocating them.

If Isak keeps the secret in any longer, it’s going to blow up in his face. He doesn’t know if Even wants him to know but he knows that this uncertainty will damage the both of them. He can’t pretend not to know what is bothering Even.

He is still scared, he is incredibly scared. His talk with his mother and Sana didn’t take away his fear, but they made him realise some things.

There are two options here. Either, Isak lets himself be consumed by guilt and fear, acts like some sort of martyr, and leaves Even. This way, he won’t hurt Even down the line. He can’t become his father if he takes away the possibility, however slim, of becoming like his father. He leaves Even, so that Even can find someone better for himself, someone that deserves Even’s love.

Also, this option puts Isak in control, something he craves, something he hasn’t had for most of his life. He hurts himself before Even gets to hurt him. He cuts ties, decides the direction in which his life goes.

Two birds in one stone: Even doesn’t get hurt, and Isak doesn’t let his heart get broken.

It also makes him alone, isolated. He’ll lose Even, he’ll lose his new friends, hell, he might even lose some of his old friends. Most painfully, though, he’ll lose this feeling. The feeling he gets while on the bed with Even, Even’s hands in his hair, his breath warm on his face.

Or, Isak trusts Even to make his own choices, to choose him, painful, ugly past and all. He decides to trust their friends, telling him he is good for Even. He stays, and lets this play out. Puts his heart on the line, gives Even the power to break him.

The first option is safe, but also… unbearable. Imagining life without Even is making him sick to his stomach. So of course, he’ll go for option two and puts his entire soul in Even’s hands.

Isak gives up safety and control and he should be afraid but he finds he’s not. Even would never hurt him, not intentionally. He sees it in his eyes when they lock onto Isak’s. Even’s eyes, as blue as the ocean, roam his face, as if Isak is the most beautiful thing Even has ever laid eyes on.

“I need to tell you something,” Isak whispers, unwilling to break this soft quiet between them but knowing that if he doesn’t speak now, he might lose his courage again.

Even just nods, kisses Isak’s nose.

“I know.” Even raises his eyebrows in silent question and Isak gestures vaguely in the direction of the bag, “I didn’t want to know. I wanted you to tell me. But Eric, he… on the day he came up to me in the bookshop?” Even’s eyes have widened, slow realisation forming, “He told me then.”

Even doesn’t speak and Isak panics. This is it, you’ve done it, you have ruined the only good thing in your life.

Isak opens his mouth but is interrupted by Even, “You’ve known for weeks?”

“I’m so sorry, Even. I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how and I know you’re mad but…”

Even shuts Isak up with a kiss. It takes a second for Isak’s brain to catch up but then he kisses back. It doesn’t take long for the kiss to turn filthy, both of them licking and biting, moaning in the other’s mouth.

When they come up for air, Even places his hand on Isak’s cheek and looks at him in awe, “You’re perfect, baby. You’re so good to me.”

Isak blinks slowly, “What are you talking about? I hid this from you for weeks…”

“Yes, and I wish you told me sooner, but you stayed.”

Isak looks at Even, wonders how anyone could ever leave this angel. He is everything Isak has ever wanted, with or without his illness. He wishes he could tell Even how much he loves him, he wishes he had the words to show him how much he cares.

“I would never leave you, Even. I’m yours and you are mine.”

Even’s eyes tear up as he nods and pulls Isak in for a kiss.

“Doesn’t it scare you? It’s not always like it has been these past few months, Isak. I have bad days. I will crash and burn.”

Isak worries his lip between his teeth thinking on how to answer this honestly. “Sure I’m scared, Even,” his boyfriend sucks in a breath, eyes shutting down, “No, Even, listen. I’m not scared of you. I’m scared of not being good enough for you. I’m scared of not being able to take care of you like you take care of me. I’m not scared of your illness.”

Even has raised his eyes up again, deep pools of blue focused on Isak, “You’re more than good enough, Isak. You’re perfect.”

Isak breathes in shakily, wills himself to believe it. He strokes Even’s face softly, watches his eyes droop and fall shut.

“We’ll talk more in the morning okay? Get some rest.”

“Are you staying?”

Isak kisses Even, “Of course.”

“I love you,” Even breathes against Isak’s mouth.

“I love you,” Isak kisses back.

Chapter Text

Even is released from the hospital the next day.  He has to stay in bed as much as possible to give his rib time to heal, which Isak thinks is totally not a problem, as it gives him a reason to stay cuddled up next to him all day.

When they come home to Even’s place, the apartment is blissfully empty. Isak isn’t sure where Mutta and Mikael are, but right now he can only be glad they aren’t here. He needs the apartment empty for the conversation they still haven’t had.

Even is uncharacteristically quiet as he slowly makes his way to his room, Isak trailing behind him. As Even makes himself as comfortable as possible on his bed, Isak softly clear his throat, “Do you need anything? Something to eat or drink?”

Even shakes his head and reaches his hand out to Isak. The younger boy walks forward, and crawls into bed with Even. “I just need you,” Even says, as he strokes the hair out of Isak’s eyes. It simultaneously heals and breaks Isak’s heart.

Instead of saying anything Isak just nods and kisses Even’s jaw.

It’s silent for a while, the only sounds the rustling of the blankets as Even moves his hand over Isak’s back.

“Did you change your mind?” Even’s voice startles Isak into pushing himself upright.

“What?”

“It’s okay if you changed your mind. If you think my illness is too hard to deal with,” Even’s eyes look everywhere except at Isak.

Isak can feel his heart thundering, the blood soaring in his ears and he gapes like a fish. “No!” he finally says, maybe a little too forcefully as Even flinches. “No,” he repeats, softer, “why would you even think that? Even, I… Look, I need to tell you something,” Isak closes his eyes for a moment, takes a deep breath as he tries to settle himself.

“I have a… history, let’s say, with mental illness. My mamma has paranoid schizophrenia. She is getting better, it’s under control now, but she was really bad when I was a teenager,” Even watches Isak intently as Isak swallows in an effort not to cry. “One day, my dad just left. He packed his bags and left me with her. After that, she got worse, losing herself in her delusions. One evening I came home from Jonas’ house and mamma didn’t recognize me. She thought I came to hurt her, and so she threw plates at me,” Isak can’t stop the downfall of tears anymore and he chokes on a sob.

He rubs the tiny scar on his collarbone. It’s barely noticeable but it had bled really hard that night and sometimes Isak swears he feels phantom pain. It’s a painful reminder of everything that went wrong. How he had failed his mother.

Even’s eyes follow the movement, his breathe catching in his throat. He wipes Isak’s tears away, eyes sorrowful and understanding, “You don’t have to tell me, baby.”

“No, it’s okay. I want to,” Isak draws in a breath and locks eyes with Even once more, “I ran that night. I got lucky, Eskild found me, drunk out of my mind in a bar. He took me in and I severed all contact with mamma for a while. I couldn’t deal with it. I left her… I left her all alone. I failed her,,”

“Baby, you were a child. Your dad left you with a mentally ill mother. He failed her and you!”

“Maybe… but it took too long before I finally went to see her again. She hurt herself badly, almost died. After that, we got her checked into a hospital and I tried to see her more. Until Eric convinced me I was better off without her. And I left her again,” Isak can’t look Even in the eyes.

He steels himself for Even’s disgust and when it doesn’t come immediately, he continues, “I didn’t go to see her for months. I left her, just like my father did.”

It’s silent for a heartbeat and then Even pulls Isak into him, “Even your rib,” Isak says, but Even doesn’t seem to care.

“I’m going to kill that asshole,” is what Even says.

“What? Even did you hear me? I told you I left her,” Isak mumbles from where his face is smudged against Even’s collarbone, Even’s hand on his head holding him there.

“No, you told me that son of a bitch manipulated you. He was abusive, Isak. He was abusive and he made you believe lies. You are not the first abuse victim to break ties with their family, and sadly you won’t be the last,” Even softly pulls on Isak’s curls, places a kiss on the top of his head, “None of this was your fault.”

And that… that breaks Isak. He full on sobs now, soaking Even’s shirt. He expected Even to push him away, to blame him for what happened, to tell him Isak should’ve been stronger. Instead, here he is, telling Isak isn’t the monster he -and Eric- made himself out to be.

“Is that where you were yesterday? When I couldn’t come with. Did you go visit her?” Even asks after a while as the worst of the tears have passed.

Isak nods.

“How is she?” Even’s voice is soft, careful.

Isak raises his head to look at Even, “She’s really well. The facility is so good for her.”

Even’s eyes search his, “Do you think I could meet her?”

“Yes, I’m visiting next week. I… uhm… I actually already told her I would be bringing you,” Isak blushes softly and Even’s whole face lights up, radiating pure happiness.

“Good,” Even says as Isak kisses him.

They trade soft kisses, each one lifting part of the weight on Isak’s chest.

“You’re not your father, Isak,” Even says, suddenly. Isak looks at him, questions in his eyes, “That’s what you meant yesterday, right? About being scared of not being good enough? You’re scared you’re like him?”

Isak is again hit with the fact that Even reads him like a book and it feels… it feels like coming home. It feels like someone is finally looking at Isak and truly seeing him. Not what they want him to be, not what they think he is, but just him, just Isak. With his flaws and good parts.

“I’m scared I would run,” says Isak, “it’s like my whole body and soul wants to be with you, but this tiny voice in my head keeps telling me I will run. It tells me I will leave you, just like I left mamma.”

Even just breathes, a frown on his beautiful face. Isak wants to smooth it away, but he’s scared the confession has finally given Even reason to leave him before Isak can hurt him.

“What does the voice in your head sound like?” Even finally asks and Isak shoots him a confused look. “I mean, does this voice in your head sound the same as the voice in your head telling you good things?”

Isak shakes his head, thinks for a while.

“The voice sounds like Eric, hurtling insults at me.”

Even nods as if he expected that, “So, it’s not you, Isak. It’s the asshole putting these thoughts in your head.”

Isak is not super unaware of himself, he realised as much. Still, it feels good to have Even tell him as much.

“Look, Isak, we don’t know what the future brings. For all we know, an asteroid might head for the earth tomorrow and then we’re all dead,” Even huffs a laugh, bringing a smile on Isak’s face, “Let’s just… take it day by day, minute by minute. There are no guarantees, just today.”

They lock eyes, and just look at each other for a long while. “So, what do we do this minute?” Isak asks and he sees Even’s eyes flick to his lips.

“This minute we kiss,” Even says right before the lock lips.

Their lips move slowly against each other without heat. It’s just exploration, telling the other wordlessly they love each other. Even’s arm flung over Isak’s waist, Isak upper half resting on Even, careful of his rib.

Finally the voice in Isak’s head is quiet. He knows he has been going back and forth a lot, battling himself and his demons, but now that everything is out in the open, now that they know each other’s fears and secrets, Isak doesn’t see himself backing down from this. Ever.

*

On the day he’s supposed to introduce Even to his mother, Isak is so nervous he feels like he could throw up. It’s not like he thinks either of them will hate the other. It’s just… It’s just really important to him they like each other.

Even looks at him as they are getting dressed, worry creasing his forehead. “If it’s too soon, I don’t have to come with you. We can do it next time,” Even holds Isak’s hand softly in his, giving him an honest out. Isak can tell Even not to come with him, and he won’t hold it against him, Isak knows this.

But despite the nerves raging through his body, Isak shakes his head fiercely, “No, I want you to come!”

Even nods, and bends his head slightly so he can rub his nose against Isak’s.

Isak closes his eyes, soaking up the attention and softness of Even’s affection.

“Let’s go,” Isak says, and he intertwines his fingers with Even’s.

The trip to the hospital seems to last forever again. It’s busy on the tram, so Isak and Even are forced to stand up. They stand chest to chest, Even’s hands on Isak’s waist holding him upright as the younger boy bounces his leg in a nervous tick.

“It will be okay,” Even’s deep voice draws Isak out of his thoughts and he looks up into his boyfriend’s piercing blue eyes.

“Yeah, I know. She will love you,” Isak says, not doubting for a second that this wouldn’t be true.

Even smiles widely, eyes crinkling on the side and his shoulders relax slightly.

Isak raises his chin, silently asking to be kissed, and Even obliges. It’s just a small peck on the lips as the tram is too crowded for Isak to feel at ease to do anything more, but it still settles the boys.

As their stop is announced, Isak grabs Even’s hand again, pulls him towards the direction of the hospital.

Entering the hospital fills Isak with dread, like it always does. As he turns to Even, however, it dawns upon him how hard this must be for him as well. Shit, I’m such an idiot, so fucking self-absorbed.

“Are you okay?” Isak asks, turning them away from the curious eyes of the receptionist.

Even nods, “It’s just… this kind of place, it scares me, a bit.”

Isak bites his lip, “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking about how this must feel for you. If you want to go, you can, it’s okay!”

“No, I’m okay,” as Isak looks incredulously at him, Even smiles, “I promise. I will tell you if it gets too much.”

Isak doesn’t doubt that Even knows his own limits, but he still sees the slow panic forming in Even’s eyes as he looks around the sterile white walls, eyes bouncing from side to side.

He grabs Even’s face in his hands, turning his boyfriend’s attention to him.

“We’ll go sit outside, yeah? In the garden. You can go already, we’ll meet you there” Isak points to the door to the garden. He remembers sitting there right after his mother came here. It was a horrible moment for him, but even in his sorrow and fear, he had noticed that the garden was beautiful. Less sterile than the inside of the hospital.

Even nods gratefully, kisses Isak’s cheek and walks out to the garden.

Isak watches him go for a minute, appreciation and love flowing through his body for this strong, beautiful man he gets to call his.

After Even has let the door to the garden fall close behind him, he sets out for his mother’s room, softly knocking on her door.

Like before, she is sat in the chair next to the window and as she sees him, she smiles widely.

“Isak, you came!”

Isak’s heart painfully constricts at the surprise in his mother’s voice. “Yeah, I did, mamma, like I promised.”

“Yes, you’re right, you did promise,” Marianne’s voice is soft, like she’s remembering him telling her that.

“Are you okay, mamma?”

Marianne startles slightly, “Yes… yes, I’m okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t sleep that well last night. But I’m happy you’re here, now!”

Isak swallows harshly, trying to push down the guilt filling his throat like bile.

“Stop blaming yourself, Isak,” his mother says, a stern tone to her voice, “I’m okay.”

She reaches out her hand to him and he grabs it, “Now, weren’t you going to bring someone with you?” She looks around him as if Even would be hiding behind Isak.

Isak laughs, “He’s waiting in the garden. It’s a beautiful day.”

Marianne nods and stands up, “Let’s not keep him waiting.”

They walk to the garden, Marianne asking Isak a million questions in the time it takes them to reach Even. Questions that make Isak truly feel like his mother is better, even when he rolls his eyes after she asks if he’s been eating well for the third time in as many minutes.

“Yes, mamma, I’ve been eating, don’t worry!” he says, unable to keep the slight exasperation out of his tone.

“Don’t worry, I’m feeding him healthy vegetables,” Even says, as they come closer.

Isak’s mother looks from Isak to Even, “Is this him?” as Isak nods, she holds out her arms for Even, “I’m so happy to meet you, Even. Especially if you’re feeding him healthy food.”

Even laughs, hugging her. She looks tiny compared to him, and seeing them embracing has Isak feeling like he could fly. Suddenly he realises that this is all he has ever wanted.

Isak smiles widely as they start talking. His mother interrogating Even who just smiles so widely his eyes turns into slits. Isak falls in love with him, all over again.

*

As they lay in bed that night, Even turns to Isak.

“That went well, I think.”

Isak laughs, “Yeah, it did.”

“Your mother is amazing, Isak,” Even strokes Isak’s cheek and the younger boy lets his eyes fall closed.

“Yes, she really is,” he opens his eyes again to look at Even, “You are amazing. I’m so happy you went with me. It was so brave of you.”

Even’s eyes widen in surprise and he rushes forward to kiss Isak. It’s an uncoordinated kiss, more teeth than lips, but Isak can feel the love pouring from Even into him.

“I’m sorry for not realising sooner how hard this would be for you,” Isak admits.

Even shakes his head, “It’s okay, Isak. I’m so happy I got to meet your mother.”

“I’m happy too,” Isak says, looking into Even’s eyes.

Even understands what Isak isn’t saying, and his eyes grow soft. Isak crawls into Even’s arms, as Even’s hands bury themselves into Isak’s hair.

Isak slowly falls asleep, when Even whispers that he loves him into his hair, and Isak smiles and nuzzles Even’s chest.

*

As the next few weeks pass, Isak feels like someone has put a soft filter over his life. He sleeps next to Even every night, their bodies intertwined, soft pillow talk and loud, happy laughter filling their bed.

He goes to school, heavily guarded by at least two of his friends at all times. He rolls his eyes at them, and cracks jokes at their expense, but as always, he’s secretly grateful for their support, especially as they do the same for Even.

It’s the Wednesday after Even had been given his clear bill of health and the entire combined boy squad (as Magnus has dubbed them) finds themselves lounging on the grass in the early spring sun. The remnants of their lunch is spread around them and Adam is handing out the last couple of beers.

Even has his head pillowed on Isak’s lap as Isak absentmindedly plays with Even’s hair. Yousef is sitting next to Isak and is talking to him in hushed tones. Once in a while he looks over to Elias to check he’s not listening in as he’s grilling Isak about Sana.

Isak just rolls his eyes at Yousef, “Just talk to her, man!”

“I think she hates me,” Yousef’s eyes are wide and panicked and Isak almost feels bad for him. His amusement wins out though and he barks out a laugh.

“Believe me, she doesn’t!”

Mutta, having overheard the conversation, punches Yousef’s shoulder, “You’re so dumb.”

Yousef looks from one to the other, and huffs before pulling out his phone and starting to type. Isak and Mutta share a look of fond annoyance with the idiot sitting in between them.

“At least we weren’t this stupid!” Isak says and Mikael laughs so loud they startle a dog walking past with its owner.

Even shoots up to clamp a hand over Mikael’s mouth, “Don’t you dare! You promised!”

Mikael just raises their hands in surrender but before Even can relax Elias speaks.

“Oh, are we talking about the pathetic crush Even had on Isak for months?”

Even groans loudly, and drops his head back into Isak’s lap as dramatic as possible.

“What?” Isak’s voice raises, his eyes the size of teacups, “You crushed on me for months?”

“Idontwannatalkaboutit” Even mumbles, his face buried against Isak’s stomach.

“Aw, babe, that’s so cute!” Isak teases mercilessly and delights in the blush on Even’s cheekbones.

“You should’ve seen him, it’s worse than Yousef’s crush on my sister!”

Both Yousef and Even gape at that.

“I was not worse!” “You know?”

“Yes, you were and yes, dude, I have eyes,” Elias says, looking at Even and Yousef respectively.

“Dude, the songs played at midnight after you learned he wasn’t single…”

“Don’t get me started on the sketches you made while staring at him from a distance!”

“Oh! Or the effort you made to find out his name without actually talking to him!”

“Not as bad as having every second conversation be about Isak, even before you had ever talked!”

“At least Sana knows who I am!”  

Even’s blush becomes prominent the more his friends rib him and Isak’s cheeks hurt from laughing.

“This is so mean,” Even groans, and he raises his eyes to look at Isak, “I looked at you for months, how did you not notice?”

Isak’s grin falters slightly, thinking of the reason why he didn’t notice Even or anyone but Eric for that matter “I wish I’d noticed you sooner.” Even’s eyes grow soft as he bends forward to kiss Isak

“We notice each other now, that’s what matters.”

Isak notices the soft looks their friends are throwing their way and he squirms under the attention.

“In any case, it can’t have been worse than Magnus with Vilde!”

Magnus splutters as Mahdi emits a booming laugh.

“Why do you have to bring that up?”

Jonas, Mahdi and Isak launch into an explanation of Magnus’s attempts to woo Vilde, only to find out she’s at least as gay as Isak. Everyone laughs at the merciless teasing of Magnus who pretends to be annoyed but can’t keep the enormous smile of his face.

“To Yousef, Even and Magnus, kings of desperate!” Adam raises his beer can in a toast.

Everyone, including Yousef, Even and Magnus, raises theirs as well, “Hear, hear!” they shout in unison, erupting in laughter.

The sun warms their bodies, giving them all an almost golden glow.

Isak watches his boyfriend laugh and joke with his friends, the sun forming a halo around his head and he wonders when he became so sappy that he’s comparing Even to an angel right now.

When Even catches him looking, he raises his eyebrows suggestively, making Isak huff and roll his eyes dramatically.

Even sees through his charade though as he bends closer to Isak, kissing him softly.

“Want to get out of here?”

Isak grins, nods.

Their friends wolf whistle as they stand up to leave, making Isak blush and flip them off.

He can’t help the giddy giggle from escaping his lips, however, as he walks off with Even. Even urgently pulling on his hand.

“Come on, baby, we need to go home before I strip you here in the park,” Even grins cockily and lets his eyes roam over Isak’s body, “Fuck, you’re so hot.”

Isak’s laugh is punched out of him and he crinkles his nose at Even who just smiles widely back at him.

After a moment, Isak can’t help but smile back, happiness flooding through his body.

It’s good.

It’s so incredibly good.

Chapter Text

Isak knows it’s him before he even looks up. He would say his mere presence sets of warning signs in his head and sends prickles of anxiety down his spine but honestly, he will just never forget the sound of his voice when he scrapes his throat. The sound is still present in his nightmares.

He mentally curses himself for telling Yousef he could go with Sana to get lunch. Yousef had looked torn between not wanting to leave Isak alone and wanting to be with Sana. Isak had told him Eric would never willingly enter the library and he would be okay here alone. “Besides,” he had said, “he hasn’t tried anything for a while now and he knows Even has reported him to the police.”

Evidently, Isak had been wrong and now he’s alone in an almost deserted library about to face his worst nightmare.

He steels himself, takes a deep breath and then looks up to look Eric in the eyes. He tries not to flinch when the full force of Eric’s anger bores back into his eyes.

“Hello sugar, long time no talk,” Eric says, sneer in place.

Isak doesn’t answer, he just clenches his fists under the table and breathes out heavily through his nose.

Eric leans forward over the table, placing his hands on either side of Isak so that they box him in.  

He looks slightly smug, knowing that towering over Isak will make him feel not only physically smaller but also mentally.

Thanks Eva for that lesson

Isak momentarily gets distracted by the memory of the conversation he had with Eva a while back. She was studying for a test for her psychology class, her book opened on the chapter about abusive behaviour in relationships. Isak’s eye had fallen on it and when he started reading he had paled. Eva had quit talking mid-sentence and looked from him to the book. Worry creasing her forehead.

She had put two and two together rather fast, grabbing Isak’s hand and motioning to close the book with the other.

He had told her not to do it, said he wanted to know, needed to know even. Isak still struggled with the idea that he had been abused by Eric. For him, abuse was black eyes and bruises, broken bones and ‘falling down stairs’. Abuse wasn’t being called a dumb slut after a party just because he had talked to another man. Abuse wasn’t trying to always appease to his boyfriend, not because he would hit him, but because he would get so mad Isak would feel like he was hitting him. Abuse wasn’t his boyfriend cutting him off from everyone and everything.

Except… It was.

As Isak told Eva story after story, Eva pointed to her book and linked theories in psychology with Isak’s experience.

 Slowly, Isak began to see that what he had been through might’ve been abuse after all. Seeing it printed black on white in a textbook, seeing his experience as something psychology students had to learn about when studying abuse…

Fine, so he was abused.

When he told Eva, she cried and hugged him. Isak didn’t cry, he had cried enough over Eric, instead, he felt relieved. Like a weight had been lifted of him.

Afterwards, Eva had looked Isak straight in the eye and told him that he should seek help, professional help. Isak hadn’t answered, just nodded and changed the subject.  

Isak had, however, talked it over with Even that night. They had been in bed, naked except for their boxers, hands linked. He had turned on his side and asked Even whether going to therapy had helped him.

Even had pushed a curl from Isak’s forehead, “It has, yes. My therapist helped me through a lot of difficult times. You still have to do the heavy lifting yourself, but it’s nice to talk to someone, especially if that someone can give you actual, helpful advice and coping mechanisms.”

Isak hadn’t told Even why he asked, Even didn’t ask him. He didn’t need to, Isak could see the understanding in his eyes. And for that Isak loved him.

The next time Even had visited his therapist, he came back with a list of names and phone numbers he had wordlessly given Isak.

When Isak asked, Even had shrugged and told him his therapist recommended these people.

“No pressure,” he had added, kissing Isak’s forehead and cheeks.

After three days of staring at the names and looking them up on Google, Isak had decided on a therapist. He had called her, sitting next to Even, their sides flush against each other.

Isak had so far only had one appointment with her. It had left him emotionally drained and exhausted but also relieved. Relieved that she believed him, that she didn’t try to minimise his pain and that she acknowledged that what had happened to him had been awful.

He told Even he would keep going to her. Even’s eyes had shone, happy and proud.

So, when Eric boxes him in now, Isak recalls her voice in his head, telling him to breathe. Isak doesn’t cower under Eric’s stare even though his fists tremble and everything in him screams to run.

“I need you to do something for me, Isak,” Eric says, leaning forward even more.

Isak sits back slightly but doesn’t break eye contact.

“I need you to tell that psycho to drop the charges.”

When Isak doesn’t answer, Eric narrows his eyes and clenches his jaw.

“Do you hear me, you piece of shit? Or did that idiot ruin you completely? I. Need. You. To. Drop. The. Charges!”

“I can’t do that, Eric,” Isak answers and he’s surprised to find his voice steady.

Eric scoffs, “Listen, sugar, I know what that mouth of you is capable of, you can persuade him.”

Isak rolls his eyes, looking braver than he feels.

As expected, Eric turns red in the face, “Don’t roll your eyes at me, Isak!” Eric almost screams and Isak has to hold himself back from patting his own shoulder in congratulations.

Eric seemingly seems to realise his anger won’t get him anywhere, so he breathes in deeply, trying to calm himself.

“If he doesn’t drop the charges, I’m going to get kicked out, sweetheart. They are threatening to expel me; do you get that? You wouldn’t want that, right?” He lowers his voice at the last sentence, licks his lips in that way that used to make Isak’s stomach do backflips.

The feeling he gets while looking at Eric now, though, are nothing like the feelings he had before he showed his true face. Isak only feels disgust as he looks at the face of the guy that abused him for so long.

“I don’t care, Eric. You beat up my boyfriend, broke his rib and fingers. Do you really think I would defend you now?”

Eric is quiet for one long heartbeat and then he straightens, pure hatred dripping from his entire body, “I should’ve killed him.”

Isak’s chair scrapes over the ground as he rushes to stand up. He draws himself to his full length, realising for the first time in a long while that he is quite a bit taller than Eric.

“If you so much as look at him again, I will destroy you. Unlike you, I know where to hit a person so it doesn’t heal anymore, Eric. Do not test me.”

It’s quiet for a beat. Both Eric and Isak too stunned by Isak’s sudden bravery to say anything more.

Then Eric opens and closes his mouth, a look on his face Isak has never seen before. If he didn’t know better, he would call it fear.

Without saying anything more, Eric turns on his heels and speed walks out of the library, bumping shoulders with Yousef who chooses that exact moment to walk in.

“Isak, shit. Are you okay?” Yousef rushes up to him, worry evident on his face.

Isak just nods as he sits down again, “I’m okay, I don’t think he will bother us again.”

Yousef looks from Isak to the door through which Eric disappeared. He opens his mouth as if to ask more questions but Isak interrupts him.

“I will tell you later, first I need to finish this paper, the deadline is in an hour and I’m nowhere near done,” Isak turns back to his laptop, feeling Yousef’s eyes bore into the side of his head, his worry emanating from him.

Sana walks up to them as well. Looking at both boys and then at the door Yousef is still staring at, she raises her eyebrows at Isak.

“Can we drop it for now? I just… I will tell you later, promise,” Isak’s voice is pleading, willing her to understand. It’s not that he doesn’t want to tell them, he does. He just needs to calm down first, his heart is still racing and he can feel the adrenaline coursing through his veins. If he talks now, he’s going to crash. Plus, he’s scared that if he tells them now, when Eric is still close enough, both Yousef and Sana will go after him to beat him up. And as amazing as that idea sounds, Isak doesn’t want anyone to get in trouble because of him.

So, he just wants to finish his paper, send it to his professor and then maybe first crawl into Even’s arms before talking about it.

Sana, being the best bud there is, nods and sits down, motioning for Yousef to do the same.

Isak smiles gratefully at her and she returns his smile briefly before bending down over her own paper.

*

Yousef and Sana drop the whole thing until later that evening. Which is longer than Isak would’ve expected.

They are sitting in Even’s living room, all of them, both the boys and the girls, cramped in the too small living space, pre-gaming for a party at the other side of town.

Isak has been nursing a beer for an hour now, matching the speed of Even’s drinking. Which is too say, glacial.

Yousef plops down next to him on the couch, forcing Isak almost on Even’s lap. Even grins and takes advantage of the situation to pull Isak fully on his lap, so he can softly kiss him right under his ear.

Isak squirms and laughs before looking at Yousef.

“Are you okay?” Yousef lowers his voice, not wanting to alert everyone of his question. Which of course has the opposite effect, as Isak can already see some heads turning towards them.

“Why wouldn’t you be okay? Did something happen?” Even asks, as he turns to try and look at Isak’s face.

Sana, having seen the exchange from across the room (which either means Yousef was very unsubtle or she was watching Yousef the whole time), sits down on the coffee table in front of them, “Maybe this is not the time and place,” she says, with a stern look towards Yousef.

Yousef blushes, “Yeah, sorry.’

‘No, it’s okay!” Isak assures them and smiles, “I’m okay, I promise. I was a bit shaken up but…”

His voice dies down as he notices all eyes on him and all other conversations stopped.

“Oh my god, guys, relax!” He fondly rolls his eyes at his friends.

“Did he talk to you?” Yousef asks him and Even draws in a sharp breath as he realizes who Yousef is talking about.

Isak feels Even’s arms tightening around him and warmth fills his heart at the apparent protectiveness his boyfriend is showing.

He sighs softly and resigns himself to telling the story to everyone.

“Eric approached me in the library today,” he says and is interrupted by Adam and Mahdi both demanding to know where Yousef was.

Yousef looks down in shame as he draws his shoulders up to his ears, “I was out getting lunch with Sana.”

Isak raises his hand before Adam can start yelling, “I told him he could. I didn’t think Eric would enter the library willingly.”

“He’s been monitoring your every move, Isak. He must’ve seen we left you alone,” Chris says and everyone looks at her, “Oh, come one, you can’t tell me none of you noticed him lurking around?”

Everyone but Sana looks around sheepishly.

“You’re all blind,” Sana says, rolling her eyes, “Continue Isak.”

Isak laughs softly as Sana’s demanding tone but does as he’s told, “He told me he wanted Even to drop the charges, because he’s getting expelled.”

Even’s pressure around Isak’s waist intensifies, and Isak can feel Even’s fear and guilt leaking out of him.

“I told him he wouldn’t do that and that I didn’t care if he got expelled,” Isak is met with surprised and impressed faces, “He proceeded to threaten Even, so I…” Isak shrugs, bites the inside of his cheek, “I told him I would destroy him if he so much as looked at Even again.”

Eva hoots and erupts in applause that the others swiftly follow.

Isak blushes as Even peppers his face with kisses.

“My hero, you stood up to him for me?” Even looks gleeful, grinning widely.

“I stood up to him for myself, thank you very much,” Isak scoffs, blushing harder as Even simply nods and looks at him with simple adoration.

“Thank you, baby,” Even whispers in his hair.

Isak smiles softly.

“I’m so proud of you, Isak,” Sana says, dimples in her cheek.

Isak’s heart swells and swells as he looks around the room to the proud faces of his friends.

“I think Isak and I are staying home tonight,” Even says, as he forces Isak on his feet and grabs his hand, “You all should leave for the party, you don’t want to be late.”

Catcalls erupt around the room as Mutta laughs loudly and Mikael stands up and starts herding everyone out.

“Have fun!” Magnus yells over his shoulder before Mikael pushes him out.

“Have fun,” Mikael repeats, softer.

Even doesn’t answer, just grins and pulls Isak with him to his bedroom.

*

As Eric himself predicted, he gets expelled.  

Isak can’t help but feel vindicated. He tries to hide his grin when Even gives him the news but Even looks right through him.

He doesn’t scold him, however, he just grins with him.

“This is bad for our karma. Shouldn’t we, like, turn the other cheek?” Even says, smile still wide on his face.

Isak scoffs and rolls his eyes, “I’m not on Kesha’s level, yet!”

Even barks a surprised laugh, “Did you just…?”

Isak blushes as Even doubles over laughing, “I just heard ‘Praying’ okay, stop laughing at me!”

“That’s so cute, baby!”

“I’m leaving if you don’t stop laughing,” Isak threatens, but he has to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from smiling himself. Seeing Even laugh so loudly and freely sets his heart ablaze.

Even tackles him onto the bed, stopping Isak from even attempting to leave the room.

“I’m so proud of you, Isak,” he says, as the laughing subsides.

They lock eyes, just staring at each other, hearts full of love.

Part of Isak wanted Eric to feel what he has felt. The pain, the fear, the sadness that seemingly had no end. But this… While it’s not fair Eric can keep on living, can maybe keep on being the ultimate jackass…

As long as Isak has Even in his arms, he finds that he doesn’t care as much anymore.

Sure, he still gets nightmares. He sometimes shrinks when someone near him is angry, even when the anger is not directed to him. He still gets sad and it’s likely that his depression will never go away. The therapist tells him it’s likely he has some form of PTSD, and that it might be a struggle for a long time.

But there’s also so much more, than pain, now.

There’s his, even bigger than before, friend group. There are the dinners with Eva. The study dates with Sana. The inside jokes with Jonas. The parties with the boys. The feeling of belonging.

Most of all, there’s Even.

Even, who is not his everything, not like Eric was. Not in that destroying way.

Even, who is simply… the man of his life. The good and the bad. He is the kiss in the morning and the eggs in the kitchen. He is arms around his waist and the hickies in his neck. He is the soft-spoken words under the sheets and the tears that get wiped away. He is the impulsiveness that hurts and tears at their relationship but never breaks it. He is not coming out of bed for days, but still willing to share body warmth. He is laughter in the middle of the night. He is sketches of everything beautiful in this world. He is real and he is here.

And as Even kisses him softly, Isak knows this is enough. More than enough.