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Dinner in the Royal Castle was more like a theatrical performance than a simple meal. Then again, anything that brushed against the realm of royalty was rarely ever simple. Along the dining table with the creamy, glass plates and winking silverware, the maids and butlers stepped in like ballerinas. Carefully balancing soup bowls, salads, platters of meat and cheese, silver-lace boats with sauce, and fingers curved over a serving dish that held the evening’s drinks. A bottle of velvet wine skated across the dining table as butlers poured the first drinks of the night. Carefully situating the wine glasses behind the main plates as the courses appeared in one moment and then disappeared with the blink of an eye.
Kai’s plate mainly held vegetables. A mountain top of cabbage with steamed carrots running down the sides like orange trees over the squishy terrain. Thin slices of pork and pink beef drew a story of where the food came from, and Kai used his fork to move the meat into position for this dinner’s tale. Across from him sat Leonhard, carefully scooping out peppers, carrots, and other pesky greens that somehow migrated to his plate. If he could, the fourth prince would’ve loaded himself with meat, but he had self-control. He could do this. He can balance his meal, like how he can balance his mind. Ten minutes into the meal, Leonhard caved and tackled an entire chicken leg. Spearing it with his fork before Licht got in the way.
Licht, the cunning devil, batted his eyes innocently. Mostly spooning himself soup and enjoying more of the side dishes than the main courses. Why go through the trouble of getting meat with Leonhard as a dining partner. Honestly, Licht’s left elbow was bruised because Leonhard jumped with every chance he got to snag more meat for his bottomless stomach. Whatever, Licht didn’t mind having small meals.
While working at Cafe Mitter Meyer, Licht had already satisfied his tummy with some of the meals because the owner insisted that he never wanted any of his employees to go hungry. In turn, Licht’s plate got smaller and smaller every evening because his boss was worried of how bony he was getting. Licht wouldn’t call himself “bony” since he was following a recent trend with his lady-friends, but his wrist bones became more prominent every day.
So for the best of both worlds, Licht ate his meals to keep his boss happy and in turn, Licht neglected his own meals at home. He ate tidbits here and there as to not worry the maids and butlers, but Licht gradually stuffed less onto his plate. Eventually, he ate slower to feign being full and it was ridiculous for a royal to do something like this, but his lady-friends were so happy with how they looked afterwards that Licht wanted to try the trend out. Not much has changed about him, but there was an adrenaline rush to what Licht was doing. His spoon quietly clinking against his bowl as he nursed his rich soup.
Across from him sat Bruno. The prim and proper third prince and his balanced plate of carbohydrates, lipids, and proteins. Swirling his wine glass like a theatrical villain before sipping quietly, head in the clouds. Dinner napkin neatly folded over his lap as the brother carved a tomato in half to admire the insides before plucking himself a bite. Licht narrowed his eyes, lips sharp in disapproval when dessert came in.
“Licht, you should have some more food.” Kai’s voice rose above the clinking of silverware. Lifting his head, Leonhard offered a drumstick and Licht excused himself from the leg. Commenting that he was quite full already. Leonhard lifted an eyebrow.
“I’ve sat next to you this entire time, and you’ve barely touched anything besides your soup.” Leonhard placed his drumstick onto Licht’s plate, coaxing him to eat. Licht pushed the drumstick back to its owner, sincerely saying that he was already full and that he couldn't possibly stuff more food into his belly.
Kai grew concerned. “Do you need warm water?”
The youngest brother shook his head, wondering why Kai and Leonhard were making such a big deal about this. He wasn’t hungry. Honestly. Licht had learned to condition himself so that he didn’t have to eat as much, like his brothers. At Licht’s age-- where first-impressions meant so much-- looking smaller made people more comfortable. You became something almost ethereal-like and that was a beauty that Licht had never experienced before. To outright say that he refused to eat sounded like a corporal punishment, but this was Licht’s choice and he wanted to try it out. If he didn’t like it, he could always eat again. No harm done, but Bruno was giving him this look that spelled trouble.
“Licht, you look really pale.” Leonhard got too close, a breath’s away from his younger brother. “Just eat this drumstick, okay? You’re scaring us.” Licht managed a tiny bite, showed his brothers the mark, and commented that he couldn’t possibly fit anymore food into his stomach. When dessert finally came and the plates were cleared, Licht excused himself. Leonhard tried offering him a custard tart-- Licht’s favorite dessert treat-- but the youngest turned it down, saying that he needed a bath.
“Would you like some berries?” Kai asked, prepared to stand up and pass the berries to Licht, himself. Licht shook his head, mumbling how it was late and that he needed to sleep. In all honesty, Licht was tired. Light-headed and his vision blurred a few times as he tried to keep his balance. All this food was overwhelming and he needed to leave. Now.
Bruno pulled out his pocket watch, snapping the heirloom shut before pushing his seat back. “Whether for a personal gain or to damage your own health, it’s still quite early to be bathing so just stay.” The heaviness of Bruno’s tone narrowed Licht’s eyes.
“I’m not hungry.”
Bruno’s tone dropped, sharply. “You’ve been neglecting your health.”
“Oh, so now you address the problem.” Licht laughed. His voice grew an octave higher. “For someone as observant as you, I thought you would’ve said something sooner. Bruni.” The teasing nickname was spoken with a threat in mind. What kind of threat? Licht’s mind was too hazy to think of one, but his emotions were getting to him. Why was he growing soft now? Was it because Bruno was concerned for him? No, Bruno wanted all of his brothers accounted for before battling for the throne by himself. Bruno was always like that. He wanted to play fair but honestly, there was nothing fair about three against one in this situation.
“Hey Licht, I think you need to calm down.” Leonhard tugged his brother’s sleeve, trying to get him to sit down. “Let’s settled down and use words instead of fists.”
Licht glared Leonhard down. “Wow, the Mighty Leo has fallen. When did you become such a pacifist?” The snarky tone in Licht’s voice hurt. He saw the damage before his eyes. Leonhard looked at his younger brother as if he didn’t recognize him at all. Licht tried to stop. However, his lips moved on their own and callous words snowballed out of control and before long, the fragile glass that was Leonhard shattered into thousands of pieces. Leonhard let Licht go. Numb, holding back the tears that threatened to fall. Kai came to Leonhard’s side and hugged him, but Leonhard remained stiff as a board. Biting down on his lip t. Trying to keep a brave face, trying to tell himself that the words didn’t hurt.
“Licht, that wasn’t nice.” Kai’s hurtful eyes stung Licht. “You’re a good brother, and a good brother doesn’t hurt his own brother. Please apologize.”
“Why should I?” An exasperated tone. “Leo always apologizes for things, but then he’s back to who he used to be. He has no right in telling me to calm down.”
“But Leonhard learns from his mistakes, and he tries very hard to be a better person,” Kai said.
“Tries?” Was that mockery in Licht’s tone? “Don’t be serious, big brother. The most I’ve seen out of Leo is when he’s fleeing from tutors. That’s ‘trying’ .”
“Who gave you the right to judge someone’s past?” Bruno’s voice pierced the cocky veil that Licht hid behind.
“Don’t try to butt yourself in here, Four-Eyes.” Licht stuck out his tongue. Why was everyone ganging up on him? Why was Licht saying all of these things? Was it because he wasn’t eating enough. No, it couldn’t be. However, his actions and words were losing their rationality. Licht didn’t quite understand himself, and all these sharp words and sly comments weighed him down. He was drowning inside, pleading for help but hurtful words bubbled out of him and his brothers couldn’t hear the desperate cry. Things escalated. Soon, Licht and Bruno were in a shouting match. A real argument boiling between them.
Not like those petty ones that were kind of playful, to teach the other brother where his chances stood next to the throne. This argument was spiteful, hurtful, and Licht’s voice was coarse while Bruno’s intensity grew to match Licht’s pace. Kai realized that a simple stare wasn’t enough to stop them. Bruno and Licht had to settle this themselves and until then, Kai covered Leonhard’s ears but the brother was already crying. Mumbling that he wanted his siblings to stop fighting. Kai got in between Bruno and Licht, but he was forcefully brushed to the side by Licht.
“Four-eyes!”
“Womanizer!”
And then, Licht dropped his trump card. “At least Father appreciates my hard work! How are those univeristy essays and speeches doing? Oh well, I guess Father never paid attention to you, as much as you refuse to believe so!” A painful smiled curled over his lips. He won. Bruno had nothing to say. He saw the defeat in Bruno’s eyes, but this victory was so bitter that Licht had to spit it out before it poisoned him in the inside.
“At least, ” Bruno began, hands balling into tight fists. “At least, I’m accomplishing what I want to do, and not what I want others to congratulate me for.”
That argument marked itself down as the worst fight Bruno and Licht had ever experienced. That night, Bruno locked himself in his library room and read books. A typical nighttime hobby. Finger grazing the spines of fine literature before something caught his eye. Anything to dispel the bitter taste in his mouth. No book reached out to him, so Bruno picked one randomly and began reading. Two minutes in, he realized he had picked out Licht’s favorite book. No matter, Bruno continued reading. Wondering if these pages could help him understand why Licht lashed out during dinner. His diet had to play a factor. The lack of nutrition made Licht irritable, and the constant prodding from Kai and Leonhard was enough to tip him over the edge. That was a good theory, but why would Licht willingly deprive himself of food?
The boy was healthy before. Nothing wrong, medically-speaking. So why was Licht altering his diet? He had to know that altering it would change his behavior, but it looked like Licht didn’t realize that until it was too late. Was he trying to get attention? Bruno wasn’t sure. Indeed, this was an unsolvable mystery. To call it so was rude.
A knock at the door.
“Come in.”
It was Leonhard. The fourth prince nursed a runny nose as he shuffled to Bruno, asking if his big brother could read him a bedtime story.
Bruno browsed through his library for an old fairytale collection. “Having trouble sleeping?”
Leonhard nodded, murmuring a few words. He held onto Bruno’s hand as the latter escorted him back to his room. Safely tucked into bed, Leonhard mumbled that Kai was talking to Licht right now.
Bruno sighed. “I don’t know what got to him, but I think Kai will make more progress than me.”
Leonhard shook his head, keeping quiet as Bruno read aloud an adorable fairytale that used to lull him to sleep. Leonhard gradually felt tired after awhile. Managing to nod off before Bruno finished the story. He mumbled, “Bruni?”
“I would like it you never call me that,” Bruno requested, shutting his book of fairytales.
Leonhard wrestled under his sheets, rolling into a comfortable spot. “Licht calls you that.”
“Precisely.” The matter-of-fact tone of his voice stung the third prince.
“Why are you and Licht fighting all the time? You two used to be so nice to each other.” Slowly but surely, Leonhard fell asleep. Chest rising and falling gently. Bruno brushed aside Leonhard’s bangs and kissed his brother’s forehead like he used to do when they were little kids. There was a pitcher of water on the nightstand in case Leonhard was thirsty, and there were plenty of pillows for him to hug if he got clingy. But for right now, Bruno remained where he was and allowed Leonhard to hold his hand while he slept. Such an innocent gesture, something that Licht used to do when he was younger.
Back in the day, Licht looked up to Bruno. Much like how Leonhard does to this day. Always admiring all of Bruno’s accomplishments, wishing to be just like him one day. While Leonhard was a quiet observer from afar, Licht did everything he could to grab Bruno’s attention. He started studying on his own so that he could be smart like Bruno, he learned how to play the violin so he play a duet with Bruno, and Licht fell in love with reading and books so that he could read all of Bruno’s recommendations. It was a close relationship and when Bruno felt down on himself, seeing Licht smile and seeing the little boy light up made Bruno smile again. It was hard to believe that they used to be so close.
And earlier at dinner, they had their first major fight in years.
About an hour later, Bruno left Leonhard’s side and ventured into Licht’s room. Kai was there with a candle, spooning jam into an uncooperative Licht. When he heard Bruno, Kai turned around. Bruno’s spirits fell when he saw how frail Licht had become. Not again.
“How is his condition?”
Kai hesitated. “He isn’t eating enough. Not enough strength to process things clearly. I’m feeding him jam so that his blood-sugar levels can stabilize.”
“Be unfortunate if he’s in a coma in the morning,” Bruno whispered. “We need a doctor.”
“One will come at daybreak,” Kai replied, petting Licht gingerly on the head. “Be a good boy for the doctor.”
Licht didn’t say anything, taking his sweet old time mashing up the jam in his mouth before swallowing. Slowly.
“I’ll take over from here, Kai. You should get some rest.”
Kai nodded and passed the jam and spoon to Bruno before excusing himself. Alone together, Bruno dug up a healthy spoonful of jam and waited for Licht to finish his mouthful. Licht tucked the jam into his cheeks, chipmunking it but he knew better. Licht couldn’t hide from his brother.
“Why are you here?”
“If you don’t want me to be here, take better care of yourself next time.” Bruno tipped the spoon into Licht’s mouth, and the youngest prince slurped loudly. Tucking the jam into his cheeks, but having to swallow some so that he could talk properly. “Licht, this isn’t healthy. Why are you starving yourself?”
“I’m not.”
“You’re refusing to eat, your meal portions are small, and you’ve fallen ill because of your diet.” Pause. “That’s not healthy.”
“My lady-friends like it,” Licht mumbled. “They’re always telling me that I can be a better version of myself if I try it.”
Bruno dug another spoonful of jam. “I wouldn’t call them ‘friends’ if their words are endangering your health.”
“It’s my choice.”
“You’ve made a dangerous one.” Bruno held onto Licht’s hand. All of Licht’s bones were so prominent that it felt like Bruno was holding hands with a skeleton. An exaggeration, but it won’t be if Licht kept this diet long enough. Bruno had to hold his brother carefully to not leave a bruise, disappointed in himself for not noticing this danger sooner. He had originally dismissed it, figuring that Licht had a stomachache or something. He never thought Licht would take it this far.
“Bruni, I’m sorry.” The jam was working. Licht was coming to grips with the situation.
“You should be apologizing to Leonhard and Kai first, but I accept your apology and exchange my own. I apologize for not noticing your diet change sooner. I could’ve done something so that you wouldn’t be like this.”
Licht shook his head. “No one was supposed to know, but I was hoping that you would.”
“I don’t understand how starving yourself would be an accomplishment. There are so many things that I know you can do, and to see you resort to something like this hurts me. It hurts the family, and it hurts you. Why?”
“Because you don’t believe in me.” The words were spoken, and Licht willingly accepted his next spoonful of jam. “I’m not like Kai, who you can always count on. I’m not like Leo and his athleticism. I’m not like you and your inquisitive mind. I had to find something that would let me stand out.”
“Exhibiting reckless behavior and interacting with bad-influences-- in your mind-- made you stand out?” Bruno asked, seeing if he could connect the dots.
Licht hesitated. “My lady-friends aren’t bad. They’re good people with good intentions, but their words…” His voice trailed off. “I just wanted you to be proud of me.”
“I’m scared,” Bruno whispered, brushing aside Licht’s bangs. “I’m shaking because I thought I was going to lose you again.”
Licht played with his hair, twirling the locks around his finger as Bruno placed the jam and spoon aside for the real discussion. Licht rolled over, facing his back towards his brother while he tried to sleep. Sleep didn’t come, and it was sad to admit that Licht just wanted to be alone.
“I think I know why we fight so much.” Bruno twiddled his thumbs. “I think it was something I did, but I need your confirmation for something.”
Licht turned his head slightly, just enough so that he could see Bruno from the corner of his eye. Bruno spoke about a music competition that was held in the Kingdom of Granzreich about a seven years ago. He and Licht signed up to showcase their musicianship on the violin and around that time, Licht was juggling lessons from Royal Tutors and lessons with his violin teacher. His mind was everywhere. One moment, he had to focus on arithmetic. One moment, he had to count the rhythm for a tricky measure. The next moment, Licht was expected to be a dutiful son, groomed for a chance to be on the throne one day. His health steadily declined, but Licht kept pushing himself because he wanted to be just like Bruno.
He wanted to perform on the same stage as his brother, and he couldn’t let the opportunity slip past him. But deep into those nights, Licht overworked himself until he couldn’t help but wince when his fingers touched the metallic strings of his instrument. Knowing better than to let Licht perform like this, Bruno told him to step down.
“Bruni, I can do this. Trust me. It doesn’t hurt. I’ll be okay.”
“No, you’ll only make a fool of yourself. How can someone get through these rhythms with your condition?”
“I can try! I just want you to believe in me.”
“No matter what you ‘try’ to do, it’ll just end up hurting people.”
“You could’ve been nicer with how you phrased it.” Licht puffed his cheeks into a pout, drawing circles over his pillow with his finger. “For a little kid, that’ll hurt anybody.”
“You do realize what my intention was, correct?”
“It took me years to figure it out, but I thought you were challenging my worth as a person. I didn’t want to be like you anymore. I didn’t want to be mean.” Licht remembered dinner. How he hurt Leonhard with his words, how he hurt Kai indirectly. Licht felt awful. “I just wanted your approval. That was it. I just wanted you to be proud of me for once.”
“I’m grateful that you’re comfortable enough to tell me all of this.” Bruno held Licht’s hand, like how he used to back when they were kids. “How can I be proud if my little brother is hurting himself to seek my approval?”
“You can figure out something,” Licht mumbled, squeezing Bruno’s hand. “You always do.”
“How about we put these setbacks behind us and start over? I want you to find good friends, Licht. Not just lady-friends, but friends you can trust and friends that help you grow as a person. Let’s focus on improving your health first, and we can see where to go from there.”
By now, Licht had already fallen asleep. Bruno tucked his brother in and kissed the top of his forehead. Like how he used to when they were younger. Bruno hummed a little song that eased the creases over Licht’s eyebrows, and the youngest prince managed to finally relax after a long, long day.
Unsolved mystery or not, there was nothing mysterious about a sibling seeking approval from an older one. However, there was a fine line between danger and safety and for right now, Licht was safe. Bruno was far from a perfect brother, but it was these imperfections that motivated him to be a better person. And now, the lesson was passed onto Licht.