Chapter Text
It's Jeongguk's 17th birthday and he's practically buzzing out of his skin from the moment he wakes up. It's the first birthday he's celebrating after their debut and he's excited to spend it with the members as they've begun to warm up to each other.
The first thing Jeongguk notices when he walks out of their shared bedroom is the smell of coffee coming from beyond the hallway. He makes his way to the kitchen and catches a few of his hyungs tiredly walking to the main room, some shuffling in and out of the bathroom. Nobody seems to notice him when he walks out of the room, probably still half asleep. Normally he'd be the same way, probably still in bed if it were up to him, but he's too excited and can't help but be wide awake. He wonders what they'll be doing today to celebrate when he nearly collides into jin's chest,
"ah, good morning hyung," he says brightly, too happy to tone down his enthusiasm. Jin almost does a double take seeing his usually quiet and shy dongsaeng acting so cheerfully at this hour. He managed to keep his shock down as he nodded to Jeongguk sleepily, ruffling his hair before continuing down the hallway towards the kitchen. Jeongguk pads along behind him and smiles because his eldest hyung really was too cute when he's just woken up.
In the kitchen, Jimin, Taehyung, and Hoseok sit on one side of the table looking a little cramped as they eat some sort of quick breakfast. Other than Taehyung who seems to be staring at the peice of toast in his hand with sleep glazed eyes and another hand on his cheek holding his head up. Hoseok and Jimin look up and nod to Jeongguk when he walks in after Jin.
"Morning Jin-hyung, morning kookie," Jimin says before he takes another bite of his cereal. Hoseok makes a small tired noise that sounded something like 'good morning' to the both of them as he nurses a cup of coffee. Before he has the chance to say anything in return, Namjoon comes in and tells them to hurry up and that they've got to go to the set to shoot their concept trailer in 10 minutes. He's gone as quickly as he came, walking right out when he does a quick head count, noticing Yoongi isn't there and probably hasn't even woken up yet. He's heard mumbling all the way down the hall, 'ah, that lazy hyung always sleeping'.
Jeongguk is only a little disappointed. He wished he could take his hyungs somewhere to celebrate with him just for a little while but he signed up for this and he wasn't going to be petulant over work. Especially since they were freshly debuted and he knows that they would be busy now more than ever. He could never truly be disappointed when it comes to BTS related things as it was his dream, which was finally coming true. Celebrations would have to come last.
-
As much as his conscience nagged at him to not feel so self-important, a slightly louder part of him was a little disheartened when none of the members acknowledged him. He remembers how everyone acted for Yoongi's birthday just a few months prior and couldn't help but compare it to how the members were acting now. On the day of Yoongi's birthday, everyone seemed just as excited as Yoongi was and showered him with hugs, happy birthdays, and birthday slaps. Not to say that he wanted to be slapped, but any attention would have been better than nothing at all. Jeongguk could understand this morning, everyone still being barely conscious but, now it was late morning and they'd been practicing and shooting for a few hours and yet no one has come up to him or has even given him a small signal that they remembered. He was sure that by now everyone was wide awake and aware of the date. Trying not to be too let down, he even threw little hints towards it to some of his hyungs.
"so Jimin-hyung, anything exciting happen today?" he urged with a creeping smile that only widened when Jimin thought for a second before his face broke out into a huge grin. He was almost relieved until Jimin replied with
"Oh yeah! Did you hear about our song being played in another country? Social media was going crazy, ah this is so cool.'" Jeongguk's smile wavered the slightest bit as he nodded.
"Yeah, super cool," he laughed a little, though his heart thumped in pride at the news, it's not the answer he was hoping for. He turned around and walked towards the oldest hyungs and asked the same question with determination. They all just looked at each other in question, as if silently asking each other if something especially exciting was happening today before shaking their heads and walking back to the makeup noonas asking them if they needed touch-ups.
Jeongguk pouted a little, but still tried to remain optimistic. Did they seriously forget? Maybe his hyungs were just joking and they were going to surprise him later at the dorm? They were probably forgetting on purpose, he thought. Well, he was still too excited to just play along and if they didn't want to celebrate with him right now, he'd celebrate with their ARMY's. He went on twitter and saw a bunch of tweets about him, congratulating him and wishing him the happiest birthday. He read some the comments out loud, raising his voice just a little when one of the members would walk by,
"Happy birthday, kookie~"
"Oh, happy kookie day~"
"Kookie have a good day! saranghaeyo~"
It made him giddy and he felt warm inside at all of the love from their fans but, it still stung a little when not even one of his members would look up. If they were joking, he wished they would just give it up already, he wasn't too prideful to admit he just wanted their attention, at least not to himself, he'd probably die before he said that out loud. He remained in good spirits though because he didn't want to be a brat. Being the youngest has always been a somewhat sour subject because people never treated him as seriously as the other members. As the maknae, he was already dubbed as the less experienced kid who liked the play around and create havoc. And while that wasn't totally out of the ballgame, he was nothing if not competitive and he liked to prove people wrong, impressing them with just how mature, hard working and well-behaved he could be. He always tried to act above his age or just stay quiet, feeling more comfortable out of the way and in the background to fit in with the other members since he was the only one in the group without a same-age friend. He's definitely stronged things of more significance than a birthday, and he wasn't going to let this be the straw that broke the camel's back, it really wasn't that serious. He was going to be mature about this even if the small niggling knot in his chest tightened a little more as the day wore on. He was a big boy, he wasn't going to get upset over his hyungs not paying him a little attention. He wasn't.
-
They had been shooting the same scene a few times repeatedly when the other members started to look agitated. He's not going to lie, he was a little agitated too because they had been doing the same thing for at least an hour. From his point of view, it was perfect. They were moving exactly the way they were supposed to when they were told to do so. He was also given a couple of critiques, which was normal, but he was confused because he was doing what he was told. Or so he thought, but the choreographer kept sighing and giving him exasperated looks before telling them all to repeat the step until all the members have gotten the move down, while staring pointedly at him. Jeongguk could feel his face flushing in embarrassment and stared down at his feet as he could feel the members glares at him for keeping them there. They were all probably extremely tired and it was his fault they had to keep repeating the same frustrating moves over and over. All he wanted to do was get the move right so everyone could go home and rest, so the spotlight wasn't on him. It was more pressure than he could bear knowing that the verdict of how long they would have to continue was resting on his shoulders and it made little blooming buds of anxiety expand in his stomach.
"Again, from the top." Their choreographer said with finality in his voice and there was a unified groan. Jeongguk could feel beads of sweat form at his brow line as heat licked its way to the tip of his ears and nervously tapped his fingers together, it was his fault they were unhappy.
They were given a small break after a few more times and the members all either left to get a snack or sat down and talked to each other quietly. Jeongguk was about to do the same when one of the managers and the dance teachers walked up to him and started scolding him.
"What are you doing, Jeongguk? You know the moves why are you acting like this?" Jeongguk was beginning to feel humiliated as his hyungs turned towards the small commotion. He felt like a small child being chided for being bad.
"I'm sorry, I'll do better" he replied quietly with his head bowed, trying to appear as understanding and respectful as he could even though there was a retort sitting at the back of his throat. He's pretty sure he had all the moves down, but he knew talking back wouldn't be wise. The fact that people were displeased with him made him feel antsy his eyes started to sting the tiniest bit in irritation. He was so frustrated with himself, what was he doing wrong? Why was he being like this?
It was only a couple more minutes of muscle relaxing and makeup touch-ups before they were back on the set, ready to try one more time. Jeongguk silently hyped himself up making sure he was extremely focused. He was more determined than ever to succeed, he's always been eager to please and it was frustrating him beyond belief to disappoint the managers and his hyungs. As the music was getting to the part where he kept getting scolded at, he felt himself get a little nervous and self-conscious of his movements but didn't allow his feelings to alter his dancing. He was feeling proud of himself, all of the fierce eyes looking at his form specifically hadn't changed to disappointment yet and he counted that as a little personal achievement. The music cut off shortly afterwards and he went off to use the restroom and get some water after concentrating so hard. His legs felt like they were two seconds from breaking off. When he was finished he was grabbed by the shoulder by one of the managers and was silently led into the tiny changing room. He was confused when he walked in, as his members were all sitting there on the couch, some standing, looking down and refusing to make eye contact or give him any type response when he let out a small, confused 'hyungs?' He went to go sit on the floor next to Namjoon's legs when he heard his manager's voice speak up from behind him,
"Stand over there, Jungkook." Leaving no argument in his tone. He sounded angry. Jeongguk gulped and shuffled to where he was told to go, mentally preparing for what was about to happen.
"What happened today?" he was asked in a stoic voice,
"What do you mean?" he answered with a calm and collected voice though he felt his eyebrows furrow.
"What do I mean? Did you see yourself today? You were all over the place, not to mention you clearly disregarded your designated spot, do you not trust the choreographers to know what their doing? Are you so much better?" The outburst took Jungkook by surprise and he could feel his eyes widen a little before they shot down to the floor. He felt stares on him and cracked his fingers anxiously to steel himself.
"I was trying to match with the marked spot and.." he trailed off softly, feeling uncomfortable with all of the eyes on him.
"And?" his manager asked in a slightly raised voice. If Jeongguk looked up he knows he would see his angry face, so he kept his head down until it was his turn to respond. He quietly tried explaining himself, wanting to keep the situation as personal as possible as coordi and makeup-noonas were still wondering in and out.
"Why were you being like that? Have you only practiced once or twice? You need to do better. You can't afford to keep messing up. This is a business you can't just play around because you want to. Your members are doing everything right, what is so hard for you, huh?"
"I was doing what I was told to do, I didn't mean to disappoint anyone.." he was struggling to keep his voice steady, he still wanted to appear strong in front of his members. He wasn't a baby, he could take some harsh criticism.
"So what, you think that you're right and everyone else is wrong?" His voice was gradually getting higher. Jeongguk winced when the coordi noonas stopped what they were doing for a second to look over.
"No.."
"Then what is your problem?"
"I'm really sorry Manager-hyungnim. I will practice more efficiently next time."
He looked down, expecting to keep being told off in front of his members, again, but the manager just tsks and stalks out of the room. It's quiet for a second as Jeongguk tries to collect himself and bury the embarrassment and frustration, except it wasn't over and the next voice he heard was not the managers.
Jin stood up and walked over to him before briefly patting his shoulder and telling him that it was fine and he just needed to do better. It sounded unconvincing to everyone in the room and the annoyed tone in his voice was not lost on Jeongguk. He kept his head bowed as the other members began standing up and shuffling around. He hoped he could have the room to himself for a few moments when everyone left to calm himself down before he let his emotions take over. But apparently luck wasn't on his side today.
"Jungkook." Namjoon's voice broke the small silence. Jeongguk responded with a small hum when words couldn't get over the small lump in his throat.
"What is going on with you today Jungkook?" Namjoon's voice seemed to boom in the small room and left him feeling frozen to his spot. Getting scolded by the manager was one thing, being scolded by his members because he has seriously disappointed them was something entirely different. They had never had a problem with the way he had preformed before, so this had never happened before. It made him feel a little sick.
"Why can't you just follow directions? We are all tired but we can't go anywhere because you keep screwing up." Jeongguk sucked his bottom lip into his mouth before it started wobbling. He got himself into this predicament, he should'nt be getting upset. "Is it because I haven't been a good leader? Have I done something to make you think you can just do whatever while we do all the hard work and carry you to the top?"
He knew Namjoon sometimes had insecurities at his ability to lead because he thought he wasn't the right choice. He wasn't the oldest, he wasn't the best singer, and his dancing could use some help. It was a lot of pressure to do the right things. Jeongguk knew those thoughts kept their leader up some nights because he's seen him beat himself up over it. It made his heart clench every time because he was the best leader. They all knew the story of how Jeongguk joined bighit because of Namjoon, he never wanted his hyung to feel like was wasn't the best of the best. So Namjoon questioning whether he thought his skills were satisfactory or not because of his actions made the guilt swell up so much inside of him it was almost unbearable. His fists clenched at his sides and he closed his eyes to keep them from watering as he stayed quiet, he didn't know how to respond and he knew that they weren't finished.
"Are you mad because we didn't celebrate your birthday?" It was that comment that hurt the most. So they did remember, they just didn't care. Jeongguk wishes he wasn't as effected as he was feeling right now. His eyes began to burn without his permission and the lump in his throat just seemed to grow two times bigger. He feels foolish for trying to make a big deal out of it now. They were up and coming idols with a busy schedule, they can't just drop everything because their inconsiderate maknae was turning a year older. In their eyes he was still just a child anyways, nothing to be excited over. He shouldn't have expected anything from his hyungs who worked so hard and did so much for him already. He silently berates himself for being so selfish when Namjoon continues.
"You think that because it's your birthday you get to just play around?" Namjoon's voice sounded icey and carried through the thin walls. He's sure everyone outside of the room could hear what was happening as well. He could taste copper as he chewed on his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood and willed his stupid tears away. His head was so low his chin was tucked into his chest, his shoulders hunched over in a defensive position. He really hopes his shoulders weren't shaking too noticeably.
"N-No..." he clenched his fists tighter, feeling his nails bite into the soft flesh of his palms, angry he let the small hiccup that they surely heard interrupt his answer. He just wanted this day to be over and sleep it all off but the comments kept coming.
"You were wrong today, Jungkoook. And I kept noticing you taking breaks and goofing off on your phone earlier when you could've been practicing if you didn't know the steps that much." It was really hard listening to his second eldest hyung tell him how bad he was doing. Yoongi was hard to please but he was respectful of other people's work so his compliments meant the world but his criticism cut him open like a knife. Jeongguk was struggling to keep his breathing calm and quiet, he knew if he opened his mouth he'd start to hyperventilate. "You should have put in more effort, but you didn't." Jeongguk couldn't hold it in anymore and he quickly raised his arm to wipe his eyes as he felt the first tears fell. It was like he opened the floodgates and they wouldn't stop coming. He just stood there silently weeping in front of all of his members and no one stepped up to comfort him. His heart felt like it was in his stomach and his throat burned from not letting his sobs out. He gets it, he did bad, he was sorry, he never wanted to make everyone upset, he was so selfish for trying to make it about himself. Didn't his hyungs understand that he was sorry? How long were they going to be angry with him? It was so hard to finally be comfortable with them, he didn't want to go back to the days where he couldn't even look them in the eyes without feeling nervous and out of place.
After a long silence, the members began to leave the room one by one until he was left by himself. He just stood there for a second trying to understand what just happened before his legs started to wobble and he sank down to the floor where he stood. He pulled his knees to his chest and dug his face into the wrapped arms around his legs. The calm breathing he tried to maintain for his members started to become erratic and before he knew it he was sobbing into his knees. This would have never happened if he just practiced harder and focused more. His members were so upset with him, he's never been at the end of those angry tangents and his head hurt trying to think of ways he could get them to forgive him. He was an awful dongsaeng, why was he so selfish? When he got to the dorm later tonight, he was going to go straight to bed to stay out of the way and let everyone sleep it off. In the morning he'd properly apologize and beg for forgiveness. As much as it hurt his pride, he had to. He didn't want to be the rift in the band that could cost them their success. He's already messed up too many times in one day to last him a life time, he wasn't going to hold his hyungs back like that. Just thinking about being the reason they disbanded and cutting not just his, but everyone's dreams short made him nauseous. On the other hand maybe he should just suck it up and apologize tonight after his members have calmed down and eaten, that way h-
his thoughts are cut off by the door being thrown open and loud singing. He jumped off of the floor and scrubbed his face as discreetly has possible, but it was useless because the tears kept coming. He looked up and all of his members were wearing birthday hats and huge smiles. Yoongi came in holding a small cake with a number '17' candle placed on top, he was smiling so big that his gums were visible. They all crowded around him as they sang, voices growing louder with each note. Jeongguk was so confused. It felt as if his brain was going through shock as new emotions crashed over him in waves. The hurt from a few minutes ago was still very much there but he also felt warm from the attention his hyungs were finally giving him. He hadn't been given any time to process what was currently happening and it felt like everything was being fast forwarded. So they weren't mad? He was having a hard time trying to keep up. He couldn't help as even more tears started falling in relief as he looked up towards the ceiling to collect himself. He pushed his palms into his eyes and squatted down in disbelief that he had just gotten so incredibly played. His eyes were still teary and his chest hurt but he was smiling so hard that his wet cheeks were beginning to hurt too. He was upset but he couldn't help but be so happy that no one was really mad at him and that his hyungs still cared about him and wanted to celebrate with him. The relief he was feeling was making him even more emotional, he couldn't even find it within himself to be that angry.
The song ended with everyone cheering and showering him with birthday slaps and he stayed bent over, gathering his emotions. Someone turned on the lights and his body was brought back up by a few pairs of hands and someone fastened a birthday hat onto his head. He looked around him and seeing all of his hyungs gather around him looking so fond and happy made his smile slip without realizing it. He was so grateful that everything was okay. The pain he felt when he thought they were mad at him was unbearable, he doesn't think he could go through that again. The looks on their faces was still etched into his memory and it was so convincing that he was finding it difficult to believe that this was all really happening. He started hiccuping as more and more tears kept falling and his members pulled him into a big group hug, chuckling and coddling him.
"Aigoo Jungkookie" Jin whined as he pulled him into his chest, feeling guilty that they had driven their poor dongsaeng to tears.
Jeongguk shakily blew out the candles and more cheers sounded through the room and he let out a tiny smile. Taehyung gently grabbed his shoulders and pulled him into a tight hug and the manager came in apologizing and wishing him a happy birthday. He just nodded, still frazzled by all of the things that had happened today in just a few hours. Each member came up to him saying something sweet as they gave him a big hug and the sting from earlier began to bleed out as the warmth from everyone surrounded him. He was going to get them all back for this one.
