Work Text:
One week
Its hard to break out of habit. For the last seven days Hoseok has been trying to end the may habits he picked up over the year of his life spent with someone else. You think it would be easy, before this relationship he was an independent man, lived happily on his own in his cosy apartment photos of his family and friends decorating the many walls, his tiny cactus sitting proudly on the living room window that now he thinks on it, didn't live in his home a year ago. It was a gift after one of the many dates he had before the great commitment to who he thought was the love of his life. Small pieces of his home remind him of the man that left a large hole in his heart. Even the towels in his bathroom have some story linked to the other man. God he needs to get out of here before he breaks his own possessions and cry even harder than he has in the last six days. After giving his face and hair a once over in the mirror deeming his bloodshot eyes to be less noticeable and throwing on clothes he deemed appropriate for spring time in Seoul he grabbed his headphones, now thinking on it a Christmas gift from his boyfrie- Ex-boyfriend. He made his way out the apartment with no direction in mind, anything to get him away from his problems is good enough for him. Taking out his phone and connecting his headphones he pressed shuffle on his playlist turning up the volume to cancel out the busy streets and hopefully the thoughts in his head. Of course the first song to play reminds him of the past. The deep bass and slow tempo blasting in his ears floods his thoughts with what could have beens. Nights spent nestled on the couch covered in blankets, limbs tangled together and the feeling of fingers running through the small knots in Hoseok's hair as they planned their futures together. They were looking at apartments two weeks ago and now his own feels too big. Where did it all go wrong? When did his feelings change? How could it go unnoticed? Pushing back the sting in his eyes his fingers find the skip button. Another song to remind him of the empty feeling he has, this time one from their first date, a cheesy pop song that was popular at the time and had been over played by the time it reached them. They spent the whole night bashing the terrible lyrics and predictable beat changes. The song followed them throughout the night. In every placed they visited the song would be there so much so the pair found themselves singing parts of the song on the walk between bars, taking turns to change words or find the worst dance move to go with the song. Hoseok won the dance challenge, turns out its hard to top doing the running man down a busy street. It all seems so bitter sweet now, the song they both hated turned into 'their song', now he hates the song even more.
Abandoning his music after seven failed songs reminding him of how terrible he now feels, Hoseok stumbled into the nearest café in need of a pickup, warm drinks and people watching has always been the best way to him to forget about life's problems. Once his order is done he sits near the window of the shop taking a minute to let his eyes wonder over the many people passing before focusing back to what he ordered. Iced black coffee, a mound of sweetener and a wedge of carrot cake. Why did he buy this? He's never liked carrot cake only the icing and the nuts and gave the rest away. Iced coffee is only bearable with all the sweetener added. He could have just ordered something else, there is no more looks of disgust from the man he once loved who couldn't understand that not everyone can stand coffee on its own. Running his hands through his hair and sighing Hoseok ignores his food and pours in the right amount of sweet to his coffee moving to gaze out the window letting his thoughts drift to the people around him. A single tear manages to slip down his cheek. Everything is always leading him back to the man that broke him.
Its hard to break out of habit, even harder to fix a broken heart.
Three weeks
Sorting through belongings has always filled Hoseok with a strange warm feeling maybe he's too much of a neat freak always needing to find the correct place for everything even if it means he has to change out the order of his wardrobe to match the seasons, its getting warmer now so all the clothes that were fine for autumn and winter are now moved to the back of the space bringing all the lighter clothes to the front for the impending warm summer. Of course going through all these clothes would at some point remind Him. He was doing better than two weeks ago, songs so longer bother him, he's stopped checking their Instagram to see what they are doing every day. He's even thought about going out to bars with his friends again. He probably won’t go but at least the thought is there. Racking through the many tops and hoodies he finds it, a baggy bright red hoodie. The cuffs are ragged from years of abuse with small pink spots from when the pair had decided to dye their hair and the string that once pulled the hood tight has long been lost, probably used to replace a ragged shoe lace. Hoseok isn't the original owner of this. Ripping it from the hanger and clutching it close to his chest Hoseok can feel the all too familiar pain in his chest and throat as he cries. Sinking to the floor he hides face in the material he can still faintly smell the previous owner, the owner to the pieces of his broken heart.
Another day brings on another slip up. It was a simple Facebook notification one of those pointless timeline 'look at what happened this time a year ago' posts. Only this one wasn't a silly photo of him drunk with friends or a holiday photo by the sea. It was night in the photo, the lights of Seoul where dancing off the surface of the Han River to the left and there in the centre of the photo was his old love, gazing out on the river with a street light highlighting his silhouette perfectly, the slope of his nose, high points of his cheeks, the pout of his lips the lights sparkling in his eyes. The caption summed up the photo perfectly, "Breath taking views by the river ♡". Groaning at the image he throws the phone against the couch cushions bringing his palms up to his eyes willing away any thoughts on the person in the picture. Just one day that's all Hoseok wants, one day without feeling the sickening emptiness of being alone again. Screw whoever thought of these throwback photos! Removing his face from his hands his eyes wander over to the tiny innocent cactus sitting proudly on the window ledge. The cactus has never did anything to Hoseok not once has his hand caught on the tiny spikes when opening the window but at this moment the small succulent brings all forward all of Hoseok's pent-up anger for the man that left him so easily. Why so I still have this? "Why haven't you died? It's the least you can do die off like everything else connecting me to Him!" Hoseok doesn't know when he started crying or even moving from the couch to shout at the plant, all he knows is the cold feeling setting in despite the warm summer night.
When will this feeling of emptiness finally leave?
Five months
Birthdays. That's when Hoseok remembers Him again, an innocent notification from his calendar to remind him of the man's upcoming birthday. Compared to a few months ago Hoseok isn't upset by the notification and feels the need to throw his phone away as if scolded. He simply deletes the event clearing it from his reminders sparing no thought to the cheesy note attached to the reminder. Maybe this is the beginning of finally moving on? A smirk pulls on his lips as he stuffs his phone back into his jean pocket quickening his pace to catch up with his friends, losing himself to the sound of their joint laughter and light bickering. Letting go is getting easier. It just takes a little time.
Autumn is in full swing when Hoseok sees Him again. It was strange seeing him again after all this time, he looks a little thinner, hair grown out in a more average shade to what Hoseok last saw on him. Drowning in a thick coat and scarf the man looks just as shocked at Hoseok is to come face to face once again. The meeting was bound to happen at some point being as they both lived in the same area of Seoul knowing multiple of the same people. There is no panicked feeling in his chest like before, no anger bubbling under his skin. There is no feeling towards the man that once held the moon and stars. He could have been a stranger to Hoseok from how little he pulled on his heart. Strange. Bowing in acknowledgement Hoseok turns away from the man sparing him no words or parting glances carrying on his brisk walk down the quiet street towards his home. Gazing towards the evening sky Hoseok sighs, it is as if the world reminded him of what happened, the thoughts of his ex had long since stopped plaguing his daily life, he even started joking with his friends as they compared stories from previous relationships. Looking back down the emptying street he chuckles,
"I almost miss missing you now and then".
One year
It is hard to break out of habit. But all it takes is time. Gathering his keys and phone Hoseok does a once over of living room making sure everything is turned off before heading out. His attention is caught by the little cactus, its grown slightly from the time it came to live on his window ledge a small vibrant pink flower blooms near the top of the plant. A smile grows on his face from the sight, "look how handsome you've grown little one, almost as cute as me".
After a short walk he finds himself in a familiar café this time ordering a caramel Frappuccino and a simple chocolate muffin. Once situated at a table near the window Hoseok lets his eyes wander to the many people walking by. For once his mind is free from any dark thoughts of the past now only happy thoughts of the future cloud his mind. Focusing back to the café his eyes are met with a set of warm brown, "Hope you weren’t waiting too long for me?" Smiling back at the owner of the pretty eyes Hoseok shakes his head, "nope you are right on time, ready to start our date?" Giggling at the nervous man in front of him Hoseok thinks back to a year ago, broken hearts are hard to fix but all it takes is a little time to feel whole again and there is always someone better waiting further down.