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Caught in free fall.
That’s what it felt like.
No matter how much he told himself the chair he was lying on was still firmly under his body, he could not feel it, he could not imagine feeling it. All he knew was the constant sinking, lying nowhere, going nowhere, and a desperate repelling of the fear of vertigo.
Trust.
Something whispered to him. It was not the wind for there was no wind.
You have to trust your partner.
It was starting to sound like his teacher, actually.
Mutual trust is the most vital aspect of syncing.
Trust.
Of course he trusted Soonyoung.
Suddenly there was a firmness to his limbs and for the first time, he realised that he could move them. So he sat up, even though he was still suspended in this sea of nothing, drifting, but at least now it felt like he was standing on something, and something was standing back.
Somewhere in front of him a giggle exploded.
The oddest sensation thus far. Because it was the sound of a giggle, undoubtedly Soonyoung’s too, but there was also a colour and a life to it, bursting forth from the sea of nothing before fizzling out again.
Hoonie!
His head snapped immediately to attention at the nickname. There was a rush of vibrant colour, his surroundings rippling about, and Jihoon was almost knocked off his feet at the images flashing by, images that did not belong to him.
Images of himself, age 7, sitting all alone in the corner of the playroom. The feeling that overwhelmed him was intimidation and curiosity, burning in equal parts, until he was torn about which one to act on.
The him in the image shifted, lifted up his book for a split second as he rearranged himself into a more comfortable position. In doing so the embossed title was clear for that one moment.
Searching for the Full Moon.
Recognition sprang forth from the depths of his soul. Young him got closer, or the perspective moved forward, and they were talking.
“Hey, do you like that book?”
Other Jihoon nodded.
“Me too! Let’s be friends! What’s your name?”
The boy deliberately took a moment, he could see the look of assessment on his face, eyebrows drawn in concentration before they smoothened out and, “Lee Jihoon.”
Ouch, it was awkward to hear his own pre-pubescent voice.
But then he felt the smile spreading uncontrollably on his lips, “Kwon Soonyoung.”
Of course Jihoon could remember a 7-year old Soonyoung beaming at him, it was lovely.
Another giggle exploded.
Something snapped.
Jihoon could feel the tendrils of Soonyoung sliding into his space. No, they’d always been there, they were there the entire time, it was the very thing Jihoon was standing on. And he panicked because suddenly it was too close, it was too personal, it exposed all of Soonyoung to him, and it will lay him bare to Soonyoung. But that was mustn’t be. Soonyoung must not know that I-
He trashed.
A yelp popped into colour.
Then he plummeted.
.
.
.
“Get them out! Fuck!”
Jihoon’s consciousness shot back into his body, startling him awake in the midst of so much movement, so much noise.
There was a face in front of him. He quickly recognised it as Jeonghan’s. Jeonghan looked really alarmed for some reason.
“Jihoon-ah, look at me, can you see me? Can you understand my words? How many fingers am I holding up?”
He wasn’t holding up any of his hands. Jihoon just became aware that they were both plastered on the sides of his head.
“None.” He replied.
“What about now?” He lifted a hand.
“Three.”
Jeonghan breathed out a sigh. “Thank God.” Then at a louder volume, directed to someone else. “Alpha’s okay!” And a beat.
Jihoon hated that beat. Like he was waiting for a response. Like there was someone else whose condition that was under monitoring.
Oh God, Soonyoung!
Jihoon struggled, but Jeonghan was holding him in place, and Jeonghan was unnaturally strong for someone of his laziness.
Is Soonyoung okay?!
He fought a bit more, managed to turn just enough to see his best friend curled into himself on the floor, visibly shaken. There were people crouched around him, probably filling the same role Jeonghan was doing for him, but he couldn’t even spare any concentration to recognise them. Just that, Soonyoung caught his eye, for nothing more than a fraction of a second at most, but all the hurting and the ache that he saw resounded like a blade in his chest.
Jeonghan pulled him back again, pushing Jihoon’s face into his chest as he rubbed circles into his back.
Jihoon heard the explanation, “remnants of the neuro link forcibly snapped,” Jeonghan was saying this to someone Jihoon couldn’t see. Even though he spoke in a whisper, even though he covered Jihoon’s ears as he did so, Jihoon could hear it clearly nonetheless.
“Will they be okay?”
Jihoon knew that voice, that low sound with just a hint of foreign accent, and suddenly he couldn’t hear anything else anymore.
Because all this was that person’s fault.
“Mind passing this to your boyfriend?” Low, foreign accent, cheerful. “Wait, you’re not together? I’m sorry I really thought…”
Jihoon saw red.
Fucking Wen Junhui.
The plan had been simple.
19, graduate from the Academy with Soonyoung. 20, officially sign on with the Jaeger programme. Pilot a Jaeger with Soonyoung. Then depending on how lucky they were, it was retirement or death.
His whole life had been a project towards this goal ever since he was 7, since he befriended the stupid smiley transfer student. When the both of them showed potential, Jihoon top of their classes, Soonyoung the most competent fighter in their ranks. And they were close friends to boot, a high probability of achieving perfect synchronisation. The head honchos were excited at the prospect. For when the time came that they could combine their talents, they would become a force to be reckoned with. How exhilarating.
The miracle of Jihoon and Soonyoung.
It was too perfect.
And too perfect it was.
It was meant to be a simple drift test, to measure the compatibility between pilots. It was the first time for these students to go through the test. There usually wasn’t anything harrowing about it. Simply extend as much as you felt comfortable with, and if things got too squirmish, slowly pull out. To reiterate, this is merely to check your compatibilities with each other, there is no shame in feeling shame, do not feel pressured to do anything you aren’t comfortable with. A light-hearted exercise.
The first pair to be put up on the plate was Jihoon and Soonyoung, because everybody was curious about how they would work together. The pair of the century.
Except Jihoon, but he tried his best to shake that thought away. All because Junhui mistaked them for a couple that one time, planting the seed of a thought in his head.
Spending most of his time with Soonyoung. They did that plenty. Sharing things with Soonyoung. They did that too. Looking out for each other. Reaching for each other. Depending on each other.
Still, he shouldn’t have been so affected, why was he so affected? Could Junhui really be blamed? Jihoon chastised himself, because who was the one to water that seed and let it grow?
The answers were simple. A) it was because he was in love and B) he could pin everything on Junhui.
When word reached the higher ups, they were predictably furious. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen. They shouted a lot, demanded answers, but none would ever come for them. Because nobody knew. Because nobody expected this either.
Like everyone collectively woke from a dream and the world had been spinning in the opposite direction all along, Jihoon and Soonyoung no longer attached at the hip. It was disconcerting. Their shared room, still marked at the door with the tags Kwon Soonyoung, Lee Jihoon, but no one ever saw them in the same room again.
Some of the strategists screamed that they try again, perhaps it was a fluke. The others yelled back, what if their minds broke? Then humanity would lose two bright talents at once. Let’s try and see if they can synchronise with other pilots.
So try they did.
Soonyoung was fairly alright at it. He collected himself enough to sit through a drift with some of the other candidates, although he was sad, and the sadness leaked out like rain, some of the co-pilots complained.
But time healed all wounds. If they put him at it long enough, surely it would get better.
The same couldn’t be said for Jihoon. Any alien presence so much as touch his mental walls and he was pulling out. He knew, if they stayed then they would learn the truth. That he’d fallen so helplessly in love with his best friend. He couldn’t afford them knowing, and they surely would since Soonyoung was always on the forefront of his mind. If they knew, then the teachers would know, then the higher ups would know, most dreadful of all, then Soonyoung would know. And Soonyoung would smile wryly, sympathy to his stance, rejection, because best friends weren’t supposed to fall for each other. Jihoon couldn’t stomach the idea.
And the organisation was running out of patience for him.
Transfer.
If he could not sync with anyone, then he had no worth as a Jaeger pilot. Let him be somewhere else, he has good grades, a sharp mind, put him into military instead.
The order was cold and impersonal.
Jihoon saluted out of habit.
This was for the best.
Soonyoung felt the space being gently pushed out of existence. It was hard to describe, something detached itself and receded but it didn’t make him feel empty. Instead, it felt like being nudged into fading away. The eraser at the top of the pencil making a clean swipe across the pencil marks that disappeared at its touch.
This was how it was supposed to be. Soonyoung couldn’t help thinking back to his first time, of that pain that was as if his skin was being ripped from his body, the agony of Jihoon rejecting him. His heart twisted a bit.
When he next opened his eyes, the florescent light from the ceiling were too bright. The brightness of the mental space was never blinding. Then again, could you imagine, with your mind, a light so bright you had to turn away?
He blinked a couple of times, getting used to the change in environment, the sounds of the test room fading into his consciousness.
“This is probably as good as it’s going to get.” One of the technicians said.
They were compatible then.
“But this is Vernon’s lowest sync ratio.” Another replied.
Soonyoung probably wasn’t supposed to be privy to this information.
And he was right, because the first technician quickly made a shushing noise. They then diverted their attention to unhooking Soonyoung and Vernon out of the machine, pleasant smiles on their lips as they showed them both the graphical data of their recent drift.
78.4%
Barely Jaeger piloting standard. Any distrust amongst them and they would be disqualified. Yet there was one thing they had said right, this was Soonyoung’s highest sync rate to date, and if they were going to make use of him on the field, the only option seemed to be pairing with Vernon. Although these decisions were to be made by the higher ranking officials so for now it’s all speculation, and Soonyoung and Vernon shuffle out of the testing room after bowing their goodbyes.
Along the way, Vernon cleared his throat loud enough to be noticed.
“Hyung, I think you should talk to him.”
Soonyoung wished he didn’t understand.
“That’s kind of hard.” Why were they having such conversations in the corridors? “He’s been avoiding me.”
Vernon scoffed, “you been avoiding him too.” He could say this assuredly because he had actually been in the other guy’s head.
Soonyoung had the decency to look sheepish. “Yeah, but, I… I don’t…”
And Vernon could understand this too.
“Hyung, I think if you two talk things out, it’ll work.”
Where did this boy get this confidence from? Soonyoung thought.
“Because some things don’t require a mind link to be understood.” He said mysteriously, shrugging his shoulders like it was nothing. Soonyoung frowned at him. “Besides, it’s Jihoon hyung’s last day, you really won’t get a chance after this.”
This information was new to Soonyoung.
“What?” He snapped. Why would it be Jihoon’s last day? And why was he unaware?
“They’re sending him off to the military division.”
“But why?”
Vernon raised an eyebrow. “Jihoon hyung hasn’t successfully synced with anyone?” A ‘hyung how could you not know’ went unsaid.
Oh.
Now Soonyoung felt shitty. While he went around feeling upset because of that failure, he never quite considered that Jihoon could be equally vexed about the situation. Maybe it wasn’t Jihoon’s fault at all, maybe he hadn’t meant to. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
But for sure after tonight there would be no Jihoon in this institution that they’ve learnt to call home and he could not let them end like this.
Vernon was right, Soonyoung was avoiding Jihoon in the day. He knew his shorter friend’s schedules and favourite spots and preferred paths, and he avoided every single one of them. But he was also right, Jihoon was avoiding him too. The male would creep into their shared room after Soonyoung fell asleep, and sneak out before he woke. Or at least, that was Soonyoung’s speculation. There was no proof that he simply didn’t go back to the room at all.
He had to be there today though. He had to pack. So Soonyoung waited around the corner, until he saw Jihoon slip silently into their room. Then he breathed in, counted to five, and acted.
Jihoon was surprised. Mildly at first, when Soonyoung wasn’t in his bed when he came in. And then very surprised because Soonyoung entered the room, light spilling in, then closed it, barred it, and only the moonlight illuminated their faces.
“What?” He said dumbly.
“I… I apologise.” Soonyoung said.
Jihoon was perplexed. He raised an eyebrow. “What for?”
There were too many things that he was sorry for to answer clearly. For being selfish. For not thinking about your feelings. For avoiding you. For blaming you.
“I don’t know.”
Jihoon made a derisive sound, disbelieving. “What kind of bullshit.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you were going to leave?”
“Fuck off!”
“Shut up!”
They were shouting now.
“If you don’t even care then get lost!”
But Soonyoung did. “But I do!” Of course he did. “You’re my best friend!”
Best friend.
Jihoon never thought he’d hate two words as much as he currently was hating those words. Such ugly, sharp words. Friends, and never anything more. Oh how he loathed ‘best friends’.
“Well, find another best friend then!”
“How am I going to find another you?” Semantics, he was not supposed to find another Lee Jihoon, just another best friend. “You’re irreplaceable to me!”
Then Soonyoung fell silent, the unnatural sort where he sucked in a breath and it never came back out, where nothing about him even stirred, and Jihoon was curious enough to look over. That was a terrible idea because Soonyoung had tears in his eyes, shining prettily in the low light.
Something caught in Jihoon’s throat.
He understood the logic. Because it was hurting Soonyoung that Jihoon was going away, because Jihoon was irreplaceable. But for Jihoon, if he could brush it off like it was nothing then that must mean-
Jihoon scolded himself. He was being foolish again, for though he had been so resolute to carry his stupid secret to the grave, he found that could not, absolutely could not, stand the thought of Soonyoung being upset over something that was completely untrue.
Soonyoung was ready to leave. He could understand this too, from the tremble in his lip to the slight shift of his feet. So he padded over, stretched up, cupped the older's cheeks in his hand and said, "no, you are important to me too."
Soonyoung didn't currently trust his voice to utter a full sentence. "Then how-?” could you be so cold? How come you’re so willing to leave me? He sniffled.
“It’s not like that.”
Jihoon mentally groaned. It’s because I love you.
Silence a second time, where Soonyoung was frozen once again, pupils blown wide, jaw hanging slack.
It occurred to Jihoon at that point, that he probably, might have, definitely said that out loud, and with a heat rising in his cheeks, it was his turn to want to hightail it out of there.
Except that Soonyoung was the one closer to the door, and this time, it was he who held Jihoon to his spot by grabbing tightly onto his arms.
"Say that again." He said with rising urgency to his voice.
"I don't know what you're talking about." Jihoon squirmed.
"You said you love me."
"You heard wrong."
But Jihoon could see, the puzzle pieces falling into place in Soonyoung's head. Something adding up, something starting to unfurl, to make sense, as a happiness that he hadn't seen in ages returned to Soonyoung, squishing his features in that adorable way.
"Oh my God, I love you too!"
There was no way it was so easy, not after all that angst.
Though Jihoon couldn’t find it in him to squash Soonyoung’s joy. The taller male was excited, like he figured out a problem. “It makes so much sense!” All this time, he must have loved Jihoon as well. And all that hurt was from being pushed away, because he didn’t want to be without Jihoon. The epiphany came with a rush of others, a domino effect.
Then he slowed enough to give a giddy, toothy smile, “and you love me back.” He declared proudly.
“No, I definitely hate you.”
That was a lie. Because they both knew it was a lie, they smiled.
They have their work cut out for them, though, all that tension didn’t just go away by exchanging confessions, although they happily worked through it, kept awake all through the night to talk, talk, talk, air out all their feelings and frustrations.
Which inadvertently meant Jihoon didn’t manage to get any packing done, but hey, he didn’t need to anymore.
Epilogue___
It's been years since they've both joined the Jaeger programme as pilots of a tough ol’ Jaeger called Moonlight Angel. Though the head office kept giving them depressing news about the state of the war, their little colony in the Korean Peninsula was holding up well and they've been doing a good job defending it, as it was expected of them, and none of their close friends have been lost in the effort. All in all, they were rather content.
Today, they’ve returned from another successful defense, docking the hulking machine in the bay.
Unlinking with Jihoon was different from all his other unlinks. It was like a promise, even when they let go, it was only for now, the other presence never truly leaving. Jihoon’s last thought to him was always, I’ll see you later. This always made Soonyoung smile. But he bit down on it, he was a professional.
They get out of the hangar, where Soonyoung hung up his uniform in his locker, and his seriousness along with it. By the time he was shutting the cabinet, his eyebrows were waggling, ready to tease.
“Heard something in the link earlier,” he started, “aw, babe, you had a crush on me? That’s embarrassing.”
Jihoon shot him an amused look. “We’re dating…”
“Still.”
And then his eyes crinkle in that cute way. An endearing moment that Soonyoung just had to ruin.
"Heh, I bet you just thought I was cute."
Jihoon flushed a little bit, but there was no use for secrets between them, so fight fire with fire, he supposed.
"I always think you're the cutest."
Soonyoung turned a satisfying shade of tomato red at the straightforwardness.
Yeah, let him burn.
“Hoonie.” Soonyoung whined.
Jihoon laughed merrily, hearty hahas as he exited with Soonyoung right behind him.