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Even hated being monitored.
He despised the way it made him feel: like the people who loved him didn’t trust him enough to know his own limits. So maybe it was his own aversion to being monitored that let things with Isak get out of hand.
Despite a few months of tentative progress, Isak’s mother was currently two weeks into a spiral. Even knew she was sending Isak texts that stressed him out no end, but Isak refused to talk about them.
Trust went two ways though, right?
If Even wanted Isak to trust him to self-regulate then he needed to show Isak that he trusted him in return.
That was what Even told himself, anyway, as he kissed Isak goodbye at school that Friday evening. Isak was hosting the pre-drinks for his boys before some party they’d swindled their way into and Even figured some time with his friends would be good for Isak.
Even wasn’t really feeling up for that much socialising though, so he’d declined Isak’s offer to join them in favour of going to his favourite late night café and attempting to do some of his homework. Any of his homework.
How Isak managed to be such a consistent and successful student was beyond Even. Looking at all of his notes suddenly gave him a newfound level of respect for Isak’s dedication to his grades. Shit, his boy was so smart.
If only his good study habits could rub off on Even.
The sound of his phone vibrating inside one of his textbooks where he had used it as a bookmark pulled Even out of his thoughts and he struggled for a few seconds to fish it out, a grin spreading across his lips at the sight of Isak’s name on the caller ID.
“Hey, baby, I was just thinking about you.” Even answered brightly, looking around the bed for something else to use as a bookmark.
“Uh, it’s not actually Isak, sorry. It’s Jonas?” Even sat up straight and the hairs on the back of his neck stood up, sensing something bad was about to be dropped on him.
“Is Isak okay?” Was it possible for your heart to actually be inside your throat? It felt like it was possible.
“I don’t- he’s not in a good place right now. I think he needs you here. It’s not my place any more.” Jonas sounded pretty sober for someone who had probably been drinking since about 6PM, which unsettled Even even more than he already was.
“What’s happened?” Even was already haphazardly shoving all his stuff back into his bag.
“I don’t know. But he hit the drink fucking hard tonight. Said a lot of stuff I don’t think he’d have shared if he was sober. Worked himself right up.” Jonas swallowed. Even was reminded then how close Jonas and Isak were, that this must have been as painful for Jonas as it was for him.
“Just get home soon, alright?” And with that, Jonas hung up.
Even didn’t so much as glance back at his unfinished food and drink as he swung his bag over his shoulder and practically sprinted home.
***
He made it home in record time, racing up the stairs before he even caught his breath from the run back. He could feel his heartbeat in multiple parts of his body but he was almost positive that was fine.
Once he got to the front door he allowed himself a few seconds to breathe, pausing until he no longer sounded like an asthmatic after running a marathon to let himself in.
Even moved inside without so much as a hey what’s up, but he didn’t miss the relieved look on Jonas’ face.
“Where is he?” Even looked around the living room, which looked like a tornado had blown threw it, before sticking his head into their tiny kitchen. Isak was nowhere in sight. Jonas wasn’t kidding about the drink though; there were more bottles spread over the counters than Even had ever seen crammed on it.
Including an almost empty bottle of cheap shit vodka that Even would bet his life tasted like paint thinner.
It all seemed a bit excessive for pre-drinks for four boys.
“Well?” Even huffed, looking back at Jonas.
“He’s in the bathroom.” Jonas replied carefully. “Mags and Mahdi already left, but I said I’d wait until you got here. He- it’s not good. He freaked them out a bit, I think. They’re worried about-”
Yeah okay Even didn’t care about Mahdi and Magnus right now. He needed to see Isak. He didn’t bother saying anything as he turned and crossed the flat.
“Even, wait.” The serious tone in Jonas’ voice was made Even stop, looking back at his boyfriend’s disgruntled best friend.
“What?”
“I just want you to understand, he was really freaking out. He was going to hurt himself. We got him into the bathroom and put him under the shower. To shock him out of it, y’know? I mean, it worked. He totally calmed down, but he’s still not okay. He just curled up in the bath.” Jonas took a breath, rubbing a hand over his chest as if he could rub the ache in his heart away. “I didn’t want you to think we just hosed him down like a dog and left him.”
Shit.
It hurt Even to think about Isak getting into that state, but it eased something inside him to know that Isak had people around him who cared like Jonas clearly did.
“Understood.” Even nodded. He tried to convey with his eyes that he was grateful for what Jonas had done, how he’d been there for Isak, but he wasn’t sure if Jonas got the message.
“I’m gonna head home. Just…let me know how he is later, yeah?” Jonas swallowed.
“Of course.” Even nodded.
And that was that. Even waited until the door had closed after Jonas before turning to face the bathroom door. He took a deep breath to steel his nerves, unsure of what was going to greet him on the other side of the door.
He went through anyway.
***
No amount of nerve steeling could have prepared Even’s heart for the sight of Isak lying on his side in the bathtub, curled into himself and shivering in his wet clothes. Even could hear mumbling. It was a bit jumbled by Isak’s teeth chattering, but it sounded biblical.
That just made Even’s heart hurt twice as much.
“Isak?” He called softly as he knelt down next to the bath. Isak’s eyes were vacant, like he’d completely checked out of what was happening. Even cupped the side of Isak’s face gently, resisting the urge to flinch away from the cold clinging to Isak’s skin, running his thumb gently back and forth over Isak’s cheek.
“You in there, sweet boy?” Even murmured, running his hand up into Isak’s damp hair. Isak blinked slowly, seeming to realise that someone was touching him and talking to him, and his eyes focused on Even’s face for a brief moment. Recognition flickered in his gaze, but he made no attempt to talk.
Even watched as another shiver vibrated almost violently through Isak’s body and he was climbing into the bath before he even realised it.
If you had asked him an hour ago if he thought there was space in their poky little bathtub for him to spoon Isak he’d have asked if you were high. But there he was, lying down on the wet bath and gathering Isak up in his arms trying to press his own warmth into Isak’s trembling body.
They lay like that for a while: Isak practically comatose and Even trying to warm him up. It was nowhere near comfortable. Even could feel cramps coming on in muscles he hadn’t even realised he had.
He could hear Isak’s lips moving, small breathy words escaping, and it was like a knife in his heart. He recognised the words from the dozens of texts Marianne had sent.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
Even ran a comforting hand through Isak’s wet hair. No response.
Even rubbed his hands up and down Isak’s freezing arms. No response.
Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Even spread his hand over Isak’s chest, feeling his heart thump slow and steady under his hand. He wanted to tell Isak that his heart was the purest thing. He wanted to tell him that no one loved as strongly as Isak did. He wanted to say that sure Isak had flaws, but his big heart was never one of them.
'I will cleanse them from all their iniquity by which they have sinned against Me, and I will pardon all their iniquities by which they have sinned against Me and by which they have transgressed against Me.’
Even couldn’t bear to listen to it. He just couldn’t.
“Isak, baby?” He cupped Isak’s jaw gently and turned his head so he could see Isak’s eyes. They were glassy with alcohol, but there was no light behind them. No Isak in there.
“You’re going to get sick if we stay in here. We need to warm you up.” Even stroked his thumb across Isak’s cheek gently and something flickered in those green eyes. “I’m going to run you a bath, okay?” He kept running his thumb across Isak’s chilled cheek and it seemed to help Isak focus.
He didn’t speak, but he did nod and Even took that as a good sign that Isak was at least hearing him.
It wasn’t the most graceful of movements. Even stood up awkwardly behind Isak, trying not to kick his boyfriend as he stepped out of the slippery tub, groaning as he straightened out all the cricks in his back.
Then came the really difficult bit. Getting Isak out of the tub took almost three minutes because his boy was absolute deadweight and probably about 90% alcohol. Once Isak was out of the tub, Even had no choice but to sit him on the toilet and pray he didn’t slide off while he ran the bath.
Even filled the bath with the nice soap Eskild had given them as a moving in present. It still mostly full because neither Isak nor Even were big bath takers; both preferred a quick shower to lounging about in dirty water.
It might also have something to do with the four hours they spend scrubbing at their bath when they first moved in to make it useable. Even had nightmares sometimes about the state the flat was in when they first took it.
“Is, baby,” Even crouched in front of Isak, leaving the bath to run. “I’m going to get your clothes off, okay? So you can have a nice bath and get all warm.” Even explained. He placed his hands on Isak’s knees and stared up into the completely vacant face of the love of his life.
He just wanted Isak to respond. Instead, he was knelt on the wet floor of their tiny bathroom watching Isak shiver like he’d been caught out in -10 weather without a coat. Part of him was terrified that Isak was too far gone to be reachable, but like fuck was Even going to stop trying.
Isak never gave up on him. He’d die before he gave up on Isak.
Carefully, Even peeled Isak’s wet clothes off. His plaid shirt, followed by his undershirt, and then his sodden socks, and then the really fun bit.
Isak’s skinny jeans.
Those things were enough of a bitch to get off when Isak was dry and sober, so being faced with a soaking shitfaced Isak in wet skinny jeans was the stuff of nightmares. Even spent a good two minutes shimmying down Isak’s legs, revealing centimetre after centimetre of mottled blue skin until finally they got to mid-calf and turned inside out and slid off so quickly that Even actually fell back.
How did it get to this? Even thought as he stared up at their ceiling in a daze. Out of the corner of his eye he was pretty sure he could see a mountain of bubbles and-
“Fuck! The bath!” Even sat upright and scrambled over to the taps, yanking them back into the off position before the bath could get any fuller. He shuffled over to Isak on his knees and looked him over.
He couldn’t pinpoint why, but it felt wrong to him to take Isak’s boxers off. It’s hard enough having a meltdown, Even wasn’t sure he wanted to strip Isak down as physically as his brain had stripped him down mentally.
That was how Even ended up easing Isak into their bath, boxers and all.
If Isak had been shivering badly before, it was nothing compared to how badly he shook when he slid into the warm water. His teeth were actually chattering.
Even wasn’t sure what else he could do when Isak was so unresponsive, so he made an executive decision to fix what he could.
“I’m gonna go tidy up a bit, baby, I’ll be back soon, okay?” He leaned down and pressed a kiss to Isak’s forehead, relieved to feel it slightly warmer than the last time he touched it. Isak slid his gaze up to Even, which made Even’s heart skip a beat, but he didn’t look like he was taking in anything Even was saying.
With a sigh, Even brushed his nose against Isak’s and straightened up. He grabbed the bin and placed it next to the bath and sent a prayer to all the deities he could think of that if Isak felt sick he’d at least aim it at the bin.
Even spent the next twenty minutes clearing up. He put the bottles back in the alcohol cupboard and binned the empty cans and leftover food. He put the furniture back where it was meant to go, and somehow that made him feel a lot better about his current situation. He tossed the game controls off the bed, getting it ready for Isak.
Even was just debating making Isak something plain to eat when he heard Isak vomiting and changed course from the kitchen to the bathroom. Isak’s torso was dangling over the edge of the bath: jerking violently with the force his stomach was expelling all the alcohol Isak had drowned himself in.
“Get it all out, baby, you’ll feel better.” Even promised, sitting on the toilet and rubbing Isak’s back comfortingly. There wasn’t much else he could do while Isak was sick, but he didn’t want to leave him alone. He knew how much Isak hated feeling out of control, and vomiting was one of the worst things for that.
“I’m never gonna- be clean!” Isak gasped out, stopping in the middle to be sick again. For a few seconds Even was too shocked that Isak had spoken to him to actually process what he had said.
“God means so much to her.” Isak choked, his body wracked with painful looking dry heaves. “She keeps going back, she keeps telling me-” Isak sucked in a frantic gasp, looking over at Even with wide frightened eyes that made Even want to throw Marianne Valtersen’s phone directly to the pits of hell.
“Even, I can’t- I- I can’t-” Isak’s breathing was a barely there rush of in and out. Even moved the bin out of the way and cupped Isak’s face in his hands. He felt so much warmer now, and the colour had come back to his skin. He was flushed pink all over; a much better look than the miserable cold grey and blue he had been before.
“Breathe with me, Is.” Even whispered, stroking his thumbs slowly back and forth over Isak’s cheeks. “In…and out…in…and out…” They stayed like that for a few minutes, until Isak finally stopped trembling and his breathing wasn’t terrifyingly fast.
“It’s never gonna stop, Ev.” Isak whispered, his eyes fixed on the floor behind Even.
“We don’t know what’s going to happen, baby, but I don’t think your mum will suddenly stop having her faith.” Even pushed Isak’s curls away from his forehead, smiling sadly. “I wish I had the right words for you, Isak. I wish I could tell you that one day your mum will find the right combination of meds and therapy and she’ll balance out her faith and her love for you…but I don’t know.”
“I can’t keep doing this.” Isak’s voice cracked, and Even’s heart cracked right down the middle with it. “I can’t- I can’t keep reading all this shit about being cleansed, like the way I live is dirty.” Isak gagged again and Even quickly placed the bin back in front of him, just in time for Isak to throw up more bile.
“Fuck, I feel like shit.” Isak coughed weakly when the retching subsided.
“Jonas said you drank a lot.” Even nodded, grabbing a washcloth out of the cupboard over the sink and soaked it with cold water before wiping Isak’s forehead and his mouth.
“I drank so much.” Isak groaned in agreement. “Why do I do I always do this.” Isak thumped his head against the side of the bathtub. He looked so defeated that Even couldn’t have reprimanded him even if he’d wanted to.
“You know when Eskild found me I was real fucked up too. Thought alcohol would make me feel better that time too.” Isak’s voice was still kind of slurring, but Even was just so relieved to hear him talk at all. “You think I’d learn.” Isak scoffed, his shoulders jerking a little with the sound.
“You’re still learning, Isak, you’re still young.” Even reminded him, rubbing Isak’s hair comfortingly.
“I just wanted to forget for a little while.” Isak’s voice sounded suspiciously thick. “I wanted to forget about her and her stupid texts and her stupid god who thinks I’m an abomination and-” Isak’s voice broke off, catching on a sob.
“It’s not fair, Ev.” Isak shoulders were trembling, a sure sign that he was crying.
“I know, baby, I know. I wish you’d told me how much her messages were getting to you.” Even cupped the back of Isak’s head and encouraged Isak to bury his face in his neck. Isak went gladly; gripping the back of Even’s shirt in two tight wet fists and pressing his face into the curve of Even’s neck. “I’m sorry I didn’t realise.” Even apologised into Isak’s curls, which were slowly drying out.
“It’s so stupid.” Isak’s voice was so small that Even almost missed it. “I know she loves me. She told me that she loved me, no matter that I was gay. But I just- when she sends those texts…it’s like she’s falling away from me all over again and I hate it.” Even could feel Isak’s tears damp against his skin, but he didn’t say anything about them. He stroked Isak’s hair calmly, just letting Isak talk.
“I think I wanna get out now.” Isak sniffled a few minutes later.
Blessedly, getting Isak out proved a lot easier than getting him in had been. It helped that he had snapped out of his daze and thrown up a good portion of the alcohol, Even thought as he yanked the plug out of the bath. Once the water went down a bit Isak stood up on shaky legs and clambered out. He walked straight into Even’s open, towel covered, arms and allowed himself to be wrapped up like a little sausage roll.
Even cuddled him dry, kissing all over his face and hair. Isak seemed completely worn out, if the way he let Even baby him was anything to go by. Even got him to swish his mouth out with mouth wash twice before they shuffled through to bed, insisting that Isak would feel less gross if his mouth didn’t taste like shit vodka and vomit.
“How will I remember this mini breakdown if my mouth doesn’t taste of shit vodka and vomit though?” Isak had tried to joke, but when Even shook his head Isak took the bottle and cleaned his mouth out. And yes, okay, maybe he did feel a bit better without that disgusting taste in his mouth but Even didn’t need to know that.
They made it safely to the bed and Even dropped the towel, grabbing Isak’s sweatpants and the nearest shirt. He stripped Isak of his wet boxers and got him into his pyjamas and tapped Isak’s ass lightly to let him know he was done and Isak could get into bed.
The end felt in sight now.
Even put their bedside bin on Isak’s side in case he needed to be sick again and crawled into bed exhaustedly with his still sort of drunk and emotional boyfriend.
“Well, this wasn’t the night either of us imagined.” Even tried to joke.
Just like Isak’s attempt at humour at the situation, it fell flat. In fact – much to his horror – Isak burst into tears against his chest.
“I’m sorry.” Isak shook in Even’s arms, his pain rattling Even’s very bones. “I’m sorry I fucked up tonight. I should have just told you, but you have so much to deal with already and it’s not like I’m not used to my mum’s shit-”
“Isak, unless I’m too depressed to move, I’m always going to be here for you. You can always talk to me, baby. If something is hurting you then I want to know about it. Even if- no, especially if you think it’s something stupid.” Even hooked his fingers under Isak’s chin and lifted Isak’s face up to look at him. He needed to see Isak’s eyes. He needed to know that Isak heard him.
Isak’s face was still a little flushed from the bath, and there were red splotchy rings around his eyes from crying, and his eyes were watery and bloodshot, but Even could see Isak in there and that’s all he could focus on. After the vacant gaze of an hour ago, this look felt like a miracle.
“I- I’ll try.” Isak swallowed, his eyes sliding away from Even’s face.
Even considered that a victory. Change like that wasn’t going to come overnight; Isak trying to talk more was a first step that Even was more than happy to take.
“Good.” Even kissed Isak’s forehead, and then peppered kisses over the delicate red skin around Isak’s teary eyes. “I’ll try to be a bit more observant too.” Even promises again, his lips brushing over Isak’s closed eyelids.
“Can we sleep now, Ev?” Isak sighed as he nestled himself closer to Even.
“Anything you want, baby.” Even wrapped a tentative arm around Isak’s middle and, when Isak didn’t vomit at the mere contact, rolled them over until he was comfortably spooning Isak’s back. He double checked that the bin was within Isak’s reach before he settled down, burying his face in Isak’s hair and breathing in the sweet smell of Eskild’s bubble bath.
In the quiet of the night, Even recalls his own experience with faith.
“Hey, Isak?”
“Yeah?” Isak’s face was pressed into the mattress tiredly, muffling his voice.
“For you, Lord, are kind and ready to forgive, abundant in faithful love to all who call on You.” Even whispered. He felt Isak tense up, but he kept going.
“After his punishment he gives comfort, and after wounding, his hands make you well.” Even pressed a kiss to the back of Isak’s head.
“Encourage you with what I have to say; my words of comfort would lessen your pain.”
“Even…” Isak sounded so pained, turning over to look at Even. “What are you doing?”
“Your mum is only reminding you of one part of the bible.” Even’s eyes roamed Isak’s face as he spoke. Not for the first time he found himself thinking about how young Isak really was, despite growing up so quickly.
“I don’t think she means to keep sending you negative stuff…there’s a lot of positive stuff in there too. About loving your neighbour and not casting judgement and about how God’s there for you if you have faith. Stuff that comforts a lot of people all over the world.” Even ran a hand through his hair.
“I don’t know, I guess I just wanted to remind you that there’s more to your mum’s religion than the part about not being gay and making sure to be clean.” Even winced at the way Isak flinched at the word clean. “I’m sorry if it crossed a line.” Even rubbed Isak’s back gently.
When Isak didn’t say anything Even figured that he was just digesting what Even had said.
“Can we just sleep?” Isak repeated his earlier question and Even nodded.
“Yeah, sorry, babe.” He kissed Isak’s shoulder and they settled themselves back into their earlier position: Isak curled up tightly against Even, and Even holding his worn out boyfriend as close as possible.
“You know your mum loves you more than anything, though, right?” Even whispered into Isak’s hair. “She has her episodes, but she still loves you. She loves you enough to text you quotes from the bible, sharing her faith. Maybe she just doesn’t realise how bad those particular bits make you feel?” Even suggested, trailing his fingers lightly up and down Isak’s abdomen.
“I never really thought about it before.” Isak muttered, reaching down and taking Even’s hand. “And I know you both love me even when you’re having episodes.” Isak added sleepily, acknowledging the elephant in the room that Even couldn’t.
“Good.” Even mumbled, unable to make his voice any louder around the lump that had risen in his throat at Isak’s words. They could talk about anything else in the morning, it could all wait, but Even needed to know that Isak understood that an episode wasn’t going to change anyone’s feelings about someone.
He needed it more than he needed to breathe.
“Goodnight, Issy.” Even pressed another kiss to the top of Isak’s head before burying his face in those perfect curls. Isak’s breathing was steadily slowing, a sure sign that he was close to sleep.
Something still felt off though.
“Hey, Is?” Even grinned.
“Oh my god, what, Even?” Isak groaned. Even leaned down and brushes his lips against the shell of Isak’s ear.
“Come, let’s make love until dawn; let’s comfort ourselves with love.” Even said seriously.
It had the desired effect. A shocked laugh burst out of Isak and he looked over his shoulder at Even’s grinning face.
“It doesn’t say that!”
“It does!” Even laughed, snuggling closer to Isak. “God wouldn’t object to you getting a comforting blowjob or something in the morning.” Even teased, wrapping his arms around Isak so he could spread his hand over Isak’s chest and feel the steady beat of his heart.
“For fuck’s sake, Even, baby, please go to sleep.” Isak laughed. His cheeks were flushed now from laughter – and maybe a little bit of embarrassment – and he was all cosy against Even’s front.
As far as Even was concerned, it was how Isak should always be.
“Anything for you, my sweet.” Even drawled in English. He was pretty sure he could feel Isak’s eye roll.
“Goodnight, Ev.” Isak mumbled, his fingers tangling in the corner of their duvet.
“Goodnight, sweet boy.” Even skimmed a kiss against the crown of Isak’s head and settled down.
He could sleep with ease now that Isak had smiled again.