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On my own
Pretending he's beside me
Shin walked alone down the darkened streets of the city. Truly, he knew he should go back to the mansion. These days, it was dangerous for anyone, especially an angel, to be wandering the city streets at night. Besides, the others were waiting for him. Kira, Maya, Gai, Gou, Rei...
But not him. Not the person Shin wanted, more than anything, to be waiting for him. No, that person would never wait for him, ever again.
All alone
I walk with him till morning
Which is why Shin did not wish to return to the mansion. Because while he wandered through the damp, dark streets, he could pretend.
He could pretend that his beloved was awaiting him at home, and Shin was staying out late just to tease him. Or he could pretend that his lover looked down on him from Heaven, impatiently waiting for his return from his latest mission.
And sometimes, on the nights that Shin felt unbearably desperate and alone, he could even imagine his love walking beside him, his presence feeling just as real as the cement beneath his feet.
Without him
I feel his arms around me
At times, Shin's fantasies grew so vivid that he could almost feel those strong arms around his shoulders, drawing him closer to that warm, solid body. He would lay his against a strong, muscular shoulder and smile, thinking that this was the only place he ever truly felt safe.
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me
Shin knew that his lover would always be there. He would never be in danger, because his love would always protect him. He could never be lost, because his love would always be with him. And he could never be lonely, because his lover was always with him.
In the rain
The pavement shines like silver
All the lights
Are misty in the river
In the darkness the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever
Everything takes on a new light when Shin is with his love. The rain falling around him changes from a wet, gray curtain to droplets of crystal tumbling down from a midnight sky. The night air turns from uncomfortably cold to pleasantly cool against the heat that builds under his skin every time his beloved touches him. Life seems to take on new meaning, when Shin is with his love.
And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
It's only when Shin moves to wrap his arms around his love and is met with only air that he remembers. His beloved is gone. His comforting presence now only exists in Shin's mind and memories. Shin is alone.
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us
Still, Shin can't help but hope. Hope that, one day, things will be as they were before. One day, they will all be happy, together in Heaven once more.
One day, his love will return to him once more.
I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
A river's just a river
Without him
The world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers
Once the illusion is broken, everything loses its light. The world around him seems to darken, and an all too familiar chill seeps back into Shin's bones. Even the gradual lightening of the sky as the dawn approaches does little to alleviate the darkness in Shin's heart.
With a start, Shin realizes that he has been wandering the city all night. The others must be terribly worried about him. Yet, even as these thoughts register in his mind, Shin cannot bring himself to care. Why should he care? The only thing worth caring about in his life is gone.
I love him
But everyday I'm learning
All my life
I've only been pretending
Without me
His world would go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known
Yet what hurts more than anything else is not the knowledge that his lover is gone. No, that Shin might have been able to bear. What hurts the most is that his beloved could return to his side at any time. Even if only for one, brief moment, his love could come and alleviate some of the agony in Shin's heart.
But he chooses not to.
He has abandoned Shin, electing instead to further his own goals, his own plans. His love cast him aside, without a single word of comfort or parting. Shin's only consolation was that, obviously, his love was not going through the same torment as him, because, no matter what, Shin would never wish his beloved any form of pain.
I love him
Droplets of water that had nothing to do with the rain slowly slid down Shin's cheeks. 'I love you...'
I love him
'No matter what the outcome of this battle, I love you...'
I love him
'Even after my heart ceases to beat, I will love you...'
But only on my own
'I love you, Yuda.'